My boyfriend's female friend

[abitbroken]

oh HELL no.

 

Don't be a doormat.

 

Find a guy who is looking for a nice woman to date and is sincere. I don't care what the justification is, you don't go on a trip with a woman with the excuse "it was already planned" while you are dating someone else, especially not sharing a bed.

 

Believe me, if a guy is really wanting to meet someone special, he is not juggling women (coffee dates are not juggling, vacations are!)

[MissCanuck]

I'm sorry OP, but I think you are in denial about your boyfriend's role in this and his feelings for her.

 

None of this would be possible without your boyfriend's participation. She is being difficult, yes, but the bigger problem in your boyfriend's lack of boundaries and respect for you. He enjoys her attention and doesn't want to say to no to her. In bed together? Girl. Wake up. This dude is playing you for a fool.

 

I would be done. He can do what he wants, but it wouldn't be on my watch. I would find myself a man who doesn't need the inappropriateness of this spelled out to him.

[Billie28]

So I agree with you Billie—but, again, in theory.

 

I fear that your attitude and advice are bordering on academic, at least as it applies to the actual life OP is out there living in the world. Yeah, it all makes sense if you line it up like that, and if OP could genuinely live it and feel it like that—well, then she wouldn't be posting here. She'd be 6 months into an awesome relationship with a dude with a female friend she was momentarily iffy about but is now all, like, whatevs.

 

In reality she's 6 months into a relationship with a dude whose relationship with this friend has been a continuous sore spot. And the conclusion here is basically: take that soreness on the chin, or treat that soreness by understanding him more than he understands himself, minimizing a woman who lives in a perpetual state of self-maximizing, be happy that he kinda sorta understands boundaries, let the dust settle, and see if, with a little more time and patience, this feels like a normal relationship instead of an almost-normal one with a third rail that will be zapped here and there.

 

Great for dude, all that.

 

But great for OP? I'm not sure. I got pretty damn dizzy just writing that sentence.

 

The way I see it is that this man doesn't really have any boundaries of his own when it comes to women, that he is still learning what his boundaries are so he can assert them on his own. As a result, various women dictate his boundaries for him, at different moments, and he blows with the winds. He's kind of malleable, bending to accommodate the needs of the woman closest to him—like literally closest to him.

 

If female friend wants to grab his phone and post a photo of them in bed? All good. If girlfriend doesn't like said photo? Oh, now that's all good. If female friend wants to stay over to talk through life? All good. If girlfriend isn't so cool with that? Wait, adjustment, and now all is good again.

 

That's this dynamic, at its best. And so to be in a relationship with him, at this point in his life, basically means either being cool with that or cool being the person to train him otherwise. That is where I think OP would benefit in placing her own energy right now, in asking those questions, figuring out if this genuinely works for her rather than working to rewire her brain to retroactively soften a lot of jagged edges, and in the process allow it all to "work."

 

Bottom line: It's a passive mode of living, the way this guy lives on this front, which is actually what I think is the major point of frustration for OP. Not the potential of illicit friskiness, the sharing of a bed, the social media nonsense, even this woman's low likability index—though, honestly, none of that is particularly cute. It's that information about this friend seems to always come sideways, instead of directly, routinely throwing a wrench into OP's emotional equilibrium, sense of security, and their developing connection as romantic partners.

 

Oh, um, yeah—we shared a bed. That's sideways. Oh, um, yeah—we saw each other after work and she's gonna stay over. Sideways. Oh, um, yeah, she really sucks, except she doesn't, because we're hanging again. Sideways.

 

At six months in you have to ask: Are you cool with more sideswipes? Are you cool with teaching someone what a boundary is with the hopes they learn to assert their own? Are you cool with needing to mentally recalibrate things in order to dampen an icky feeling in the spirt?

 

If the answer to those questions is yes—and no judgement, truly, as I've had some lovely "teaching" dynamics in romance, as both student and teacher—great. Guess I'm just trying to keep my advice out of the classroom on this one.

 

Some very great points , in fact excellent ones!

Completely see how you see mine as “academic” and great in “theory”

 

I still think he hasn’t disrespected her boundaries but I completely get where you are saying he is merely succumbing to boundaries , over understanding them and setting them himself.

 

Great insight!

[reinventmyself]

You need to ask yourself if the tables were turned, would you go on a pre-planned trip and share a bed with a guy friend if you knew it would put your newly forming relationship at risk?

I know I wouldn't. Certainly not if I really liked my new guy.

 

He chose to risk the drama and he chose to risk the possibility of losing you over it. It kinda tells you where you stand. At least at that time.

You need to remember this when considering how to move forward.

[abitbroken]

Some very great points , in fact excellent ones!

Completely see how you see mine as “academic” and great in “theory”

 

I still think he hasn’t disrespected her boundaries but I completely get where you are saying he is merely succumbing to boundaries , over understanding them and setting them himself.

 

Great insight!

 

Bottom line, if you have a romantic vacation planned with someone, you don't put anyone else in the queue.

[orangecat123]

You need to ask yourself if the tables were turned, would you go on a pre-planned trip and share a bed with a guy friend if you knew it would put your newly forming relationship at risk?

I know I wouldn't. Certainly not if I really liked my new guy.

 

He chose to risk the drama and he chose to risk the possibility of losing you over it. It kinda tells you where you stand. At least at that time.

You need to remember this when considering how to move forward.

 

Like I mentioned, the holiday was booked and finalised before my boyfriend and I even met. In his shoes I would’ve still went on the holiday. BUT the communication about the bed sharing I would’ve been upfront about or looked into changing it if it wasn’t too expensive.

[katrina1980]

Like I mentioned, the holiday was booked and finalised before my boyfriend and I even met. In his shoes I would’ve still went on the holiday.

 

 

Well then you're two peas in a pod.

 

I would have cancelled it, out of respect for my boyfriend and our developing relationship. And explained that to my guy friend. Surely, he would have understood or one would hope.

 

As you can see, most others would have as well.

 

But if you would not have, that's certainly your preogative.

 

Hope it all works out, best of luck.