Moving too fast?

[katrina1980]

I also find it ironic how he flips over what he perceives to be your insecurities.

 

HE is the insecure one, most controlling men are. That's why he's pushing to move in after 5 months.

 

Don't let him manipulate you into thinking you should feel bad or "sorry" for him, excusing his atrocious and unacceptable behaviour due to bipolar.

 

Bipolar people never use their condition like that. That right there pretty much shows how full of bs he is.

 

Oh boo boo, I'm bipolar so I get to be inconsistent and act like a controlling a-hole, and you need to excuse it and "understand" it cause of my "condition."

 

No!!

 

Are you sure he even has bipolar? What's your proof other than what he told you?

 

Read these forums. There are tons of threads and posts from women dating men who behave this way, and they don't have bipolar. They're just manipulating controlling a-holes.

 

My advice -- get out before he makes you "crazier" and more confused than you already are.

[katrina1980]

That's not bipolar? He agreed he's inconsistent and it's part of the condition. Oh no, not the gaslighting issue again. I do feel like sometimes things are turned around on me, but I wondered if it's just in my head. I'm not sure what to do what to do to make this stop. I want a committed, stable, loving relationship, but I also need consistency and to be able to communicate without fear. I hold things in, in fear of making him mad. He knows when I'm upset and I feel I need to not say when I am because I don't want to look as though I'm trying to start an argument.

 

Susie, you must realize, this^ is bad.

 

You will never be able to make this stop. It's his nature, he wants you to live in fear, that it's all in your head, that's his game.

 

You have a choice -- either you accept you will never be able to express your thoughts/feelings without him blowing a gasket, you will never get consistency, you will never feel emotionally safe, OR you walk away.

 

I just wanted you to understand his behaviour has zero connection to bipolar, and if that is what he told you, he's manipulating you.

 

I'm sorry.

[katrina1980]

Susie, just as an fyi - in a nutshell, bipolar mood disorder consists of high and lows, whether it's bipolar 1 or 2.

 

With BP1, the highs are extremely high, including mania, and in very extreme cases psychosis, and the lows are extremely low -- debilitating depression, can't get out of bed, can't eat or function.

 

With BP2, those symptoms are much less severe.

 

The highs and lows are less extreme, and typically manageable with or without meds.

 

It is in no way associated with controlling manipulative gaslighting behaviour such that you described.

 

Causing you to live in fear of ever expressing a feeling or thought. Feeling confused and crazy.

 

That is something else entirely and not good in any way shape or form.

[SusieNovy]

I am very attached already, but not enough to find a house and move in together. I haven't even met his family yet. I would think if we were serious, I would by now, right? I'm trying to be patient and understanding, but the more time goes by the more I'm feeling confused about his feelings. My ex gaslighted me and I really don't want to go through the things he put me through again. He knows about all of it and has helped me through the mess he left me in. Now I kinda feel like he's possibly doing the same and not sure why he would do that, knowing what it did to me. I know bipolar is a hard thing to go through everyday. It has to be, I have read a little bit on it. Could it be true that between 3-6 months is when someone's true colors come out?

[SusieNovy]

He has talked about the medicines he's on, but I don't check and write them down or anything when I go to his house. I don't want to look like I'm snooping, but I understand what you're saying. He sees a therapist and a psychiatrist periodically and he did tell me about his bipolar a couple weeks into it. I believe he has it, but maybe other things too that I don't know about. He's never been violent toward me and he usually is very quiet. He says he doesn't like to argue. No one does and I surely don't like arguing either. I wasn't trying to argue, I was just trying to communicate my feelings and that's all. Should I back off for a while and see what happens?

[Wiseman2]

And the red flags just keep coming. Why are you signing up for a rerun of the last crazy relationship? Trust your instincts. This is so wrong on so many levels.

-I am very attached already

-I haven't even met his family yet.

-I'm feeling confused about his feelings.

-My ex gaslighted me.

-I kinda feel like he's possibly doing the same

-I know bipolar is a hard thing to go through everyday.

[boltnrun]

What about your kids? Have you asked them how they would feel about moving in with a man they've only known for a short time? How much time have you all spent together (you, the kids and this man)?

[katrina1980]

Susie, he claims to have bipolar 2, as do I.

 

Please research it, Google is your friend.

 

I can tell you fm experience it is very manageable and I am not even on meds anymore, I didn't like and they didn't help.

 

They help those with bipolar 1 but not necessarily bp2. Not unless there is another active disorder acting in conjunction with the bp2, like borderline which is common.

 

Most days/weeks I forget I even have it!

 

It's not my place to diagnose him, but the controlling, living in fear, walking on eggshells, and gaslighting behaviours you descibed are associated with borderline personality disorder, not bipolar mood disorder.

 

I would advise you to research both bipolar 2 and borderline before going further with him.

 

Best of luck.

[Sportster2005]

Hello, my boyfriend of 5 months has been talking about living together. Is it too early to do that? How long should I wait?

 

There is no factual answer, only opinion.

 

The fact that you're asking makes me believe you think it's too soon. And if you think it's too soon, then it's too soon.

[SusieNovy]

Yes, I have asked my oldest. She is not wanting anything like this for me after the last one. She wants for us to go slow and just be friends only for 6 months, before being around him and I agree with her. There's a time frame of 3-6 months for the newness to wear off and true colors to come out and I'm seeing it already. My son really likes him, but his father is not a very loving dad. I honestly haven't said anything to them about moving in together, because I don't think it's a good idea, but he's pushy and it makes me feel bad. He's been here a handful of times, but I refer to him as my friend. They like him, but they don't really know him. He invited himself over for Easter and I said yes. I felt bad, since he isn't really that close with his family and I have no idea if they are even getting together for it or if they ever do. Should I still have him here with us? I feel bad "uninviting" him now. I will look more into the borderline mood disorder too. I'm interested in knowing more about it now.

[katrina1980]

 

I honestly haven't said anything to them about moving in together, because I don't think it's a good idea, but he's pushy and it makes me feel bad.

 

Huge red flag, HUGE! And reflects many of the qualities you described earlier.

 

It's Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) not Borderline Mood Disorder. Bipolar is a mood disorder.

 

I am glad you're going to research it! Knowledge is power.

 

Good luck and please let us know what happens!

[SusieNovy]

Ok Katrina, I read on both and I believe it's both bipolar AND borderline personality disorder. Bipolar scares me, because I read they sometimes cheat, but both scares me more. Him having issues with his step dad made me not fear that and he told me not to fear him doing that because of what happened to him, but him testing my insecurities twice now with instances with women, makes me worry and he doesn't understand or is sensitive to my feelings about why I'm feeling the way I do about it. I don't know, I feel more worried now that I read more on bipolar. Is it really like what I read? I don't know if I can continue worrying about if he will cheat, but if he does infact have it, he cannot help the symptoms either, so is it wrong for me to end this over a fear that may never happen?

[katrina1980]

Re the cheating, were you reading about bipolar 1 or 2?

 

With bipolar 1, when such person is in a manic state, promiscuity can sometimes accompany that.

 

But with bipolar 2 (which you said he suffers from, as do I), we don't ever become "manic," we became what's known as "hypomanic" which is less extreme than full blown mania.

 

From WebMD.

 

What Is Bipolar II Disorder?

Bipolar II disorder (pronounced "bipolar two") is a form of mental illness. Bipolar II is similar to bipolar I disorder, with moods cycling between high and low over time.

 

However, in bipolar II disorder, the "up" moods never reach full-blown mania. The less-intense elevated moods in bipolar II disorder are called hypomanic episodes, or hypomania.

 

So I would not be worrying about his cheating. I have never even thought about cheating while in a hypomanic state.

 

I would be more worried about his BPD (the borderline). From what I understand, and it's been written about a lot on this forum and others, it is very difficult having a healthy relationship with someone diagnosed with this disorder.

 

Re him not being able to help his symptoms, not sure what you mean, I certainly do!!

 

It takes work and discipline but I manage my symptoms quite well without medication. I do yoga, spin classes, and other forms of exercise (increases endorphins and serotonin), I make sure to eat healthy, I don't drink alcohol and I stay away from toxic situations and toxic people.

 

The fact that he IS on meds would certainly suggest his symptoms are under control, that is precisely what the meds are for.

 

So not quite sure what you mean when you say "he can't help his symptoms."

 

If that is what he is telling you, then as I said before, I suspect he's manipulating you, which can actually be a symptom of borderline.

 

If he does have BPD then I wish you a lot of luck with that, and I seriously would not expect much to change.

[SusieNovy]

Ok, thank you. That makes me feel much better. He is bipolar 2 and said something about hypomania when he told me about all this.

I'm not sure why he wouldn't add the BPD, but maybe he thought adding that would cause me to run, if he indeed does have it or maybe hasn't been diagnosed yet. Are there meds for that too? And would the bipolar meds help with that also?

He said his meds don't take away everything and they're currently trying to add zoloft. He's not very sexual and it bothered me, but he said his meds cause sexual side effects and he's on BP meds and I've heard those cause the side effects.

I thought it was something about me honestly. He swears it's not, but why does it feel like he's testing my insecurity and trying to make me feel jealous?

He said he can feel irritated and short one day and tell me if I try to communicate my worries about things that he's not sure this will work out, then the next day smother me with affection and be talking about our future. See...that's confusing to me. That's hard to understand.

[Wiseman2]

Too many red flags. What put your kids through all this for some mentally unstable guy you've known 20 weeks? Think. Use good judgement this time. Stop being a martyr. Stop hoping to fix him. Stop acquiescing to craziness.

he's pushy and it makes me feel bad. He invited himself over for Easter

[katrina1980]

 

Ok, thank you. That makes me feel much better. He is bipolar 2 and said something about hypomania when he told me about all this.

I'm not sure why he wouldn't add the BPD, but maybe he thought adding that would cause me to run, if he indeed does have it or maybe hasn't been diagnosed yet. Are there meds for that too? And would the bipolar meds help with that also?

He said his meds don't take away everything and they're currently trying to add zoloft. He's not very sexual and it bothered me, but he said his meds cause sexual side effects and he's on BP meds and I've heard those cause the side effects.

I thought it was something about me honestly. He swears it's not, but why does it feel like he's testing my insecurity and trying to make me feel jealous?

 

He said he can feel irritated and short one day and tell me if I try to communicate my worries about things that he's not sure this will work out, then the next day smother me with affection and be talking about our future. See...that's confusing to me. That's hard to understand

 

 

I don't know that much about borderline except what's been written about on this forum and others, on another forum there a poster, I think he must have been a medical professional because he used to go into great depth about the disorder. He had a lot of experience with it, and was very knowledgeable about it.

 

The bolded above very much sounds like borderline.

 

They go back and forth between valuing you and de-valuing you. One day they love you, the next day they're lashing out, hating you.

 

None of it makes any sense, people who have been involved with partners with this disorder speak of literally feeling like they're going crazy. Like you are now.

 

Frankly Susie, the behaviour you described earlier, how you are afraid to express your feelings or thoughts, fearing he's gonna blow up, walking on eggshells, him not taking responsibility and flipping it all back on you etc, point to something other than bipolar 2.

 

And bipolar people don't use their disease the way he does, to excuse or justify their poor behaviour.

 

Can you imagine if he ever did cheat?

 

I can imagine the conversation -- him claiming cheating is a symptom of bipolar, he "cant help" his symptoms, so expecting you to feel sorry for him and forgive and accept it.

 

Pure manipulation, and no disrespect but it would appear you a ripe candidate for buying it.

 

This entire situation just sounds so wrong and dysfunctional on so many levels.

 

I'm with Wiseman, it's only six months, why put yourself through this insanity?

 

And I am not talking about bipolar2 when I say that.

 

He just sounds like bad news for a ton of other reasons.

 

If not for yourself, think of your children.

[katrina1980]

Susie, I think it's best to stop focusing on him and his problems, and focus on yourself and your children.

 

And also, why you are so drawn to such a toxic and unhealthy situation. Co-dependency comes to mind, it might be worth your while to do some research on that too.

 

I know it's hard to detach and disconnect, but better now before you become so enmeshed in his life and problems you become stuck, and unable to leave.

 

Best of luck Susie. xx

[SusieNovy]

I believe you're right Katrina. The more I read, the more I do think it's BPD. He says he can't manage it without meds, so I dropped it. He's on them for bipolar, anxiety and depression. I looked a couple of them he told me about up. He did say they're not helping and is in the process of changing meds. I'm not sure why I'm drawn to toxic men.

I go to a psychologist now, so hopefully he will help me understand why and with his help I will stop trying to fix someone like him and find a healthy man.

The cheating, I will NOT deal with. I've gone through that before and I know the signs and we've talked about it too. I'm insecure and have some jealousy because of my past relationships, what was done and said throughout, so maybe me telling them at the beginning about those things was a bad idea.

 

Thank you for all the advice you've given me! xx

[Wiseman2]

You should trust the diagnosis of his doctors and believe what he tells you his diagnosis is. Do not try to play armchair internet psychiatrist and guessing games for the purposes of avoiding your own problems. Stop trying to change, fix and diagnose men.

 

Instead of wasting time on playing internet psychiatrist, keep the focus on you and your attraction to "toxic men".

He says he can't manage it without meds. He's on them for bipolar, anxiety and depression.

 

I'm not sure why I'm drawn to toxic men. I go to a psychologist now

[katrina1980]

To clarify, agree with Wisemsn, trust the doctor's diagnosis of bipolar.

 

However, the other extremely dysfunctional behaviours you described, suggest something "in addition to" the bipolar.

 

I have no idea if it's BPD, only that BPD often acts in conjunction w bipolar in some people.

 

But nevermind him, focus on your own behaviour, choices. And your children.

 

GL.

[SusieNovy]

Ok, I will and I agree it may be something in addition to the bipolar. Thank you!