Depressed after sex with bf

[Hollyj]

Rat terrier :)

My mistake. Very cute!!! Love the ears! They look like Jack Russells with pointy ears. Terriers are the best!!!

[SherrySher]

I say this as honest as possible...why/how can you be having sex with a man you can't even talk to?

You can't be that good of friends if you're not able to talk openly with him and tell him that sex is not working out for you.

 

I will also add that why on earth would you even consider marrying a man that you're not close enough to that you can't tell him straight away when things are bothering you or work it out as a couple when things go wrong?

 

That spells serious trouble and makes me wonder how good of friends you are, which is the foundation of any romantic relationship.

 

I can't say if he's selfish because you have not told him how bad things have gotten. You say he's a good man in every other aspect so I am assuming that he isn't being selfish, he just doesn't know how unhappy you are.

 

You need to sit down with him, tell him in no uncertain terms that sex is not good right now and what you need for it to be good.

If he loves you like you say he does, he will want to work this out with you and he will care about your needs as well as his own.

 

If he gets angry and does not try to please you then you can be sure that your relationship is not a good one and there is no point in continuing as this is a serious problem and will destroy any relationship, eventually.

[Hollyj]

I say this as honest as possible...why/how can you be having sex with a man you can't even talk to?

You can't be that good of friends if you're not able to talk openly with him and tell him that sex is not working out for you.

 

I will also add that why on earth would you even consider marrying a man that you're not close enough to that you can't tell him straight away when things are bothering you or work it out as a couple when things go wrong?

 

That spells serious trouble and makes me wonder how good of friends you are, which is the foundation of any romantic relationship.

 

I can't say if he's selfish because you have not told him how bad things have gotten. You say he's a good man in every other aspect so I am assuming that he isn't being selfish, he just doesn't know how unhappy you are.

 

You need to sit down with him, tell him in no uncertain terms that sex is not good right now and what you need for it to be good.

If he loves you like you say he does, he will want to work this out with you and he will care about your needs as well as his own.

 

If he gets angry and does not try to please you then you can be sure that your relationship is not a good one and there is no point in continuing as this is a serious problem and will destroy any relationship, eventually.

 

She has told him numerous times-even cut off sex for three weeks- he simply does not care. I don't understand why she is with him in the first place.

[SherrySher]

She has told him numerous times-even cut off sex for three weeks- he simply does not care. I don't understand why she is with him in the first place

 

Well if that's true, then you've got yourself a serious problem here. He is being selfish and you will not only be dissatisfied but will end up resenting him and feeling more used.

 

I think it's come to a point where you need to tell him that things have got to change or you are leaving him. If he knows how to please and you simply refuses to, then this is none fixable.

 

He does not respect you or your feelings and needs.

[Anna26]

Thank you for the advice...i guess i do have trouble communicating clearly with him about such “sensitive” topics as he is extremely sensitive, takes everything to heart and is quite easily offended and upset. I guess i just dont want to feel like the “bad guy” and like something is wrong with me or I’m asking too much. I think maybe a part of me doesnt even deserve the passion i long for or orgasms. I am quite depressed about the whole situation. I definitely feel resentment and used.

[Hollyj]

This is a sad situation, as you have allowed him to manipulate you into thinking that you are the bad guy, and it also prevents you from communicating your needs in the relationship (walking on eggs shells)." he is extremely sensitive, takes everything to heart and is quite easily offended and upset It is concerning that you are willing to martyr your own needs to this degree, for someone that really does not give a sh*t! Too bad he is not as concerned about you, as you are about him. " i am over having it as it seems to be only for him and not for me. We didn’t have sex for 3 weeks and he just made me feel bad and like i don't love him..so i gave in...and same old story."

Where did you self worth go? Why do you believe that you deserve so little from a partner? I do not think you have heard a word that we have said, after you told us that he knows how you feel.. Your relationship does not sound healthy,.

 

Have you considered therapy for your self esteem?

[Pleasedonot5]

I have been dating the love of my life for 1.5 years now and he is truly an amazing person. I love him incredibly. However, I can’t help but feel used and depressed affer sex with him. It’s gotten to the point i no longer want to have sex with him AT ALL. And i honestly think this is the main reason women no longer want to have sex with their partners...they don’t give them orgasms. Time and time again he is cumming and I am left sexually frustrated in the dark. It is a very lonely and empty feeling knowing that you are pleasing them on a regular basis and getting none of it in return. I can’t even go and please myself after in another room because he follows me and wants me to be with him. Most of our sex sessions are quick, like less than 5 minutes. Although he can and has lasted ALOT longer he just chooses not to most of the time i guess. Anyway, it has nothing to do with duration of sex anyway. He could please me orally before or after the act but he just can’t be bothered. It’s like he’s in a race and he’s always the one winning. It makes no sense to me because he is so generous and caring in every other aspect in our relationship and always picks up when something is wrong and tries to fix it. I have made remarks before that suggest i never get any and he does and he just feels bad for that moment i guess and tries to please me but it doesnt feel the same having to get upset and force him...i dont want that. I dont know what to do. I want to marry this guy and i sure as hell dont want to ever cheat but im in an orgasmless relationship and i never thought it could effect me this much mentally but it does :( please help..

You have made indirect suggestions. Tell him this is bothering you and tell him what you want, directly.

[SherrySher]

Anna, relationships have to have communication in order to work, it's essential.

 

All the things you've described are either personal issues or issues between you two that will not work for a happy, healthy relationship.

 

You should be good friends to the point of being able to easily sit down and tell each other things. Talks about sex shouldn't be difficult like this. If you're able to do the act, you should be able to talk about it with one another.

 

The only way to work this problem out or future problems that are just as serious, is to be able to talk to each other.

If you're having difficulties doing that due to your nature or his or how you are as a couple, then that's the problem and that's what needs to be fixed.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person to tell your partner if things aren't going right. As I said before, you should be good friends where it's easy to talk about anything and everything with each other. You shouldn't be scared to tell him things and you shouldn't be find it so hard to bring certain subjects up to him.

 

If you don't have that with this guy, then you've got communication problems you need to work out. Do not consider marriage until you can fix this.

[SherrySher]

We didn’t have sex for 3 weeks and he just made me feel bad and like i don't love him

 

In those 3 weeks, did you sit down with him and tell him that you're not being satisfied sexually?

 

You should have told him something along these lines, "I need you to be sexual like this with me. (whether that be oral or how he touches you or whatever actually works for you).

Tell him it's essential and that you want him to do those things EVERYTIME you are intimate with one another and before he orgasms.

 

Be very specific. You don't need to be harsh or mean, but at least let him know what you need.

 

It's the only way you can work this out between you two.

[Wiseman2]

You need to reevaluate the relationship. Unless you enjoy this emotional abuse. He's not your "soulmate" if he intentionally and repeatedly not only ignores your sexual needs but coerces you if you don't acquiesce to being a mattress or "putting on a show". Stop acting like a call girl. You complain about him but you are doing this to yourself because of this myth that he's "your soulmate and future husband".

I do put on a show

I have told him before that i just feel used during sex

he just made me feel bad and like i dont love him..so i gave in...and same old story. No orgasms for me.

It effects our relationship because i get angry at him often over “nothing” and im over trying to communicate why as nothing really changes.

i dont want to break up with someone whom i believe is my soulmate

[catfeeder]

If he's such a fabulous guy, why won't you speak with him about this instead of making 'remarks'?

 

Either someone is compatible enough to talk through this stuff, or not. If not, what should that tell you?

[ThatwasThen]

Wow I am overwhelmed with all your replies. Thank you so much for all of the advice...I have no one I can talk to about this as it is an uncomfortable subject. Our sex life was always the same even in the very beginning the “honeymoon phase”. I dont think ive ever necessarily “faked” orgasms as he never actually asks if I’ve cum. I do put on a show however, that is is pleasing for me although i feel very little. And yes i know, that is bad on my behalf. I have told him before that i just feel used during sex and i am over having it as it seems to be only for him and not for me. We didn’t have sex for 3 weeks and he just made me feel bad and like i dont love him..so i gave in...and same old story. No orgasms for me. The frustrating thing is that he can and has made me orgasm before. I can probably count on one possibly two hands how many times though whereas the number of times he has is completely countless. I really don’t know how i can fix this as i have communicated before and then he pleases me once or twice and its back to same old routine. It effects our relationship because i get angry at him often over “nothing” and im over trying to communicate why as nothing really changes. I do love him so much and i dont want to break up with someone whom i believe is my soulmate all because of sex...but i also dont want to be the wife one day who just daydreams of sex and other men as her husband isnt doing his job to please her too..

I think he cares and probably feels bad but unfortunately is finding the 'grind' (for lack of a better word) of getting you off more trouble than its worth.

 

You love him so talk to him about going to a sex therapist with you so that you both can learn how to get it right in the bedroom. If he won't go with you or won't at the very least join you in reading some self help books on the subject then you would do well to reconsider your relationship because as time goes on, he won't want to bother anymore at all, and may just settle for pleasing himself.

[sarahmuller]

I have been dating the love of my life for 1.5 years now and he is truly an amazing person. I love him incredibly. However, I can’t help but feel used and depressed affer sex with him. It’s gotten to the point i no longer want to have sex with him AT ALL. And i honestly think this is the main reason women no longer want to have sex with their partners...they don’t give them orgasms. Time and time again he is cumming and I am left sexually frustrated in the dark. It is a very lonely and empty feeling knowing that you are pleasing them on a regular basis and getting none of it in return. I can’t even go and please myself after in another room because he follows me and wants me to be with him. Most of our sex sessions are quick, like less than 5 minutes. Although he can and has lasted ALOT longer he just chooses not to most of the time i guess. Anyway, it has nothing to do with duration of sex anyway. He could please me orally before or after the act but he just can’t be bothered. It’s like he’s in a race and he’s always the one winning. It makes no sense to me because he is so generous and caring in every other aspect in our relationship and always picks up when something is wrong and tries to fix it. I have made remarks before that suggest i never get any and he does and he just feels bad for that moment i guess and tries to please me but it doesnt feel the same having to get upset and force him...i dont want that. I dont know what to do. I want to marry this guy and i sure as hell dont want to ever cheat but im in an orgasmless relationship and i never thought it could effect me this much mentally but it does :( please help..

 

Dear Anna,

 

how sad this might sound, but a perfect relationship only exists in movies and on instagram.

It's best to be communicative and tell him on a calm way way your feelings are. If he really loves you, he will listen and care about them too.

Life's giving and taking and so is the same in relationships.

 

Good luck!