He's coming on too strong

[katrina1980]

To add -- when he asked you to lunch, you replied:

 

"I told you, I was busy all weekend."

 

Assuming you liked him, felt chemistry, clicked, as you claim, is there not another way you could have worded that?

 

You sound annoyed, like you're scolding him for not listening earlier.

 

No doubt he picked up on that negative vibe, and it turned him off.

 

A man wording his response to an invite like that after a first meet would have turned me off too. It reflects disinterest and again annoyance.

 

Which explains why he called back two hours later essentially saying forget it.

 

My late mom used to tell me "it's not what you say, but how you say it."

 

Just my take.

[Eliza50]

How would you have worded it?

[katrina1980]

How would you have worded it?

 

A man I was truly interested in and felt chemistry with?

 

"That sounds fun, I wish I could! But unfortunately I have plans, how about Monday"?

 

Or something like that.

[Eliza50]

A man I was truly interested in and felt chemistry with?

 

"That sounds fun, I wish I could! But unfortunately I have plans, how about Monday"?

 

Or something like that.

 

So, you would have said the exact same thing you had said the night before as if the conversation had never happened???

[figureitout23]

I'm not sure why you think I wasn't interested. If I weren't interested, I wouldn't call him and arrange a second meeting less than 24 hours after our date and on a day when I was so busy.

 

What am I missing here???

 

Well...

 

 

A few weeks ago I met someone through a dating site and we had our first date yesterday. It wasn't the best first date I've ever had but it went well. I liked him and he seemed to like me, too. We talked about our families, music, books, hobbies and a little about relationships. He's divorced with 2 kids over 30.

 

After the date he asked when we can meet again and suggested today (Saturday). I said I'm busy this weekend and let's talk on Monday to arrange something. He said ok.

 

An hour after the date he texted me a long text saying he enjoyed meeting me and he had had a great time and that he had forgotten to ask me a question and asked if I'm tender and giving when I'm in a relationship. I found the question strange and I replied that we can talk about that the next time we meet. I'm not a text person at all, by the way. He didn't reply to that.

 

This morning, I find one more text. Asking if I want to meet for lunch. I haven't repliet yet because I don't know how to reply since I've already told him I'm busy this weekend.

 

I feel he's coming on too strong for my taste and I don't like it. However, I did like him and I don't want him to think I'm not interested. How would you reply to his text?

 

 

This is what happened:

 

I texted back thank you but I can't make it, I told you I'd be busy this weekend, let's talk on Monday. He texted again asking if I'm busy all day. After 2-3 more texts, I ended up calling him because I was getting frustrated (I've told you I'm not good at texting) and we talked for about 15 minutes. He asked if I had any free time today because he really wanted to see me again and I said we could meet for an hour or so in the afternoon (it was the only free time I had).

 

He seemed happy with that and we agreed on a time and place.

 

Then, 2 hours later he texted again saying 'I think it's better not to meet today after all. The weather is bad, too. Perhaps we can meet some time next week. Have a nice day'.

 

I have no idea what happened. The weather is bad but not that bad and we live close to each other. I feel like all this exchange was for nothing and I'm not even sure I want to see him again.

 

The bold is kinda dead giveaways...seems your ego is in the way of you dating in a healthy way, and by that I mean the push/pull seems to interest you, like you like having the ability to reject someone and when they reject you suddenly you're thrown off center.

 

We arent all matches. Theres no point in continuing with someone youre just going to complain about, youre attempting to hold someones husband hostage!

 

Dont get me wrong Ive had guys Ive been on the fence about, I would NEVER treat them like they were annoying me if I actually still wanted to date them, I wouldnt risk losing them, its almost like you saw his trying as a weakness and that he was gonna follow you around like a puppy while you threw him bones, most healthy people are gonna walk away, not saying hes healthy but for whatever reason he changed his mind. Lesson learned, stay humble, we arent all matches and thats ok, treat people who are spending their time with you with kindness and if its not a match walk away dont add them to your fan club...

[katrina1980]

So, you would have said the exact same thing you had said the night before as if the conversation had never happened???

 

All I can say is when I like a man, really like him, I don't say things that might cause him to feel like an idiot. Even if yeah I'm telling him something twice.

 

Saying "I told you I'm busy!" sounds like exactly what you said you were -- frustrated. Which again, he no doubt picked up on, and it turned him off. Probably made him feel like utter crap for asking again.

 

It also sounds like something a mother would say to her five year old child for not paying attention earlier.

[Eliza50]

First of all, the text wasn't just 'I told you I'm busy!'. If that was the case, you'd be right.

 

I had to go through my phone but this was the exact text 'Thank you. It sounds good but as I told you last night, I'm going to be very busy this weekend. Let's talk on Monday and make a plan'.

 

I really don't see how this text could come across as non-interested.

[katrina1980]

First of all, the text wasn't just 'I told you I'm busy!'. If that was the case, you'd be right.

 

I had to go through my phone but this was the exact text 'Thank you. It sounds good but as I told you last night, I'm going to be very busy this weekend. Let's talk on Monday and make a plan'.

 

I really don't see how this text could come across as non-interested.

 

Well that defintely sounds better than "I told you." Ugh. Why didn't you post the correct wording in the first place?

 

In any event, I think it's real important for people to be cognizant of how your words (and actions) are being interpreted by another person, especially someone you just met and liked, and want to date.

 

Putting yourself in their shoes so to speak.

 

I'm telling you, reading your initial response before you changed it, as an objective observer, and putting myself in his shoes, sounds condescending and heavy handed, it certainly does not reflect a woman who is interested.

 

Hence my initial opinion.

[katrina1980]

Anyway, now I just don't know, something you said rubbed him the wrong way.

 

Or perhaps it was just your vibe, energy.

 

I'd be very surprised if you hear from him again.

[katrina1980]

Lastly, all this analyzing is kind of pointless isn't it?

 

You admitted that since your meet, his behaviour he has turned you off too!

 

So not quite getting why any of this matters, you had one meet, you've both determined you're not a match.

 

Next.

[IAmFCA]

So, you would have said the exact same thing you had said the night before as if the conversation had never happened???

 

Oh absolutely. Same technique in another context, when serving a meal and offering seconds, ask, "May I offer you some roast beef?" as if your guest hasn't had anything to eat at all. And not, May I offer some MORE roast beef? (or chaat masala, or tofurkey... )

 

OP, I think your text back - while accurate and no big deal - sounds corrective. Not necessary to say, "as I told you" which was probably well-meaning on your part and perhaps a bit explanatory (which is defensive), as if to say "it isn't that I'm not interested, but simply that I am previously engaged - remember?"

 

Given his early inquiry about your kindness when in relationship, he may be particularly sensitive to tone and to feeling corrected. It simply means you are incompatible, not that either of you erred. And that is just as you have concluded.

[purplepaisley]

I'm pretty much going to pile it on...I think your wording is more restrictive and less welcoming. "I'm busy this weekend, let's talk on Monday and plan," instead of, "I'm busy this weekend, but how would you feel about meeting next week, like Tuesday, Wednesday, or the weekend? I won't have much time to talk this weekend, but if we can solidify a plan on Monday and connect, I would be be happy."

 

I think there's a problem in the delivery.

 

You state that while the date itself wasn't terribly sparkly, you liked the guy and would like to see if something more is there, but on this same note, you seem to be presenting yourself as digging in your heels and refusing to deviate; a little rigid, marginally interested or other prospects on board.

 

This "tender question" is a little off.

 

What I picture is more of this clumsy and clunky, socially awkward kind of a situation, where after he finally cajoled you into an hour, he realized he is putting you out and feeling bad about it, and he knows he just added a burden to your weekend, and is trying to do a take-back...let you off the hook. Kind of like when you say something out loud and it doesn't sound nearly as good as the thoughts presented in your head. We screw up sometimes.

 

I also find myself being a bit nervous about this push/pull what happened with convincing and bailing...a bit manipulative...definitely worthy of some watchful waiting.

 

As I picture a pretty descent guy that has some potential, this would probably be stored away in my "red files." I'm honestly not really sure what's up with this guy. He could be a powder keg. Proceed with caution. I hope he turns out to be a bonus...or maybe you pull a full stop.

[catfeeder]

I had to go through my phone but this was the exact text 'Thank you. It sounds good but as I told you last night, I'm going to be very busy this weekend. Let's talk on Monday and make a plan'.

 

I really don't see how this text could come across as non-interested.

 

I think you did just fine, Eliza. You were already picking up an overly charged vibe from this guy, hence your initial post, and I think your intuition has been spot on.

 

The problem with people who come on too strong, despite the initial flattery, is that we can sense on some level that their enthusiasm is so premature, it's obviously fixed on some fantasy they're creating 'about' us rather than any reasonable attraction having anything to do with us, really. They don't even KNOW us yet.

 

Well, that tends to be the stuff that goes ~poof!~ as quickly as it comes on, because 'real' people are always bound to say or do something, anything, that breaks the bubble of the idealized fantasy that's been built 'around' their image. So flattery can turn on a dime into hostility. Uhm... it means that you're dealing with someone who comes unravelled pretty easily.

 

In your case, this glazing over of reality was clear by his failure to 'hear' you when you told him you were busy this weekend. While the text about tenderness could otherwise be considered a nice-if-not-clumsy indicator that the guy was jazzed about meeting you and still thinking of you, he turned way too pushy--and instantly. THAT is someone who is impervious to anything you may have said or done while he was busy operating on fantasy.

 

People who live in their own head tend to overthink themselves into spirals. This guy came full circle and ruined the 'yes' he over-pressed for. But he did that to himSELF. He either recognized his bizarre overstep after-the-fact or your natural resistance came through--none of that matters. HE is an unstable flake, and he's showing you a brilliant neon sign that makes red flags seem quaint.

 

You were wise to recognize right away that something was off with this guy, and he exploded his own flame quickly enough to prove you right.

 

Head high, OP, and keep trusting your gut.

[Capricorn3]

I think you did just fine, Eliza. You were already picking up an overly charged vibe from this guy, hence your initial post, and I think your intuition has been spot on.

 

The problem with people who come on too strong, despite the initial flattery, is that we can sense on some level that their enthusiasm is so premature, it's obviously fixed on some fantasy they're creating 'about' us rather than any reasonable attraction having anything to do with us, really. They don't even KNOW us yet.

 

Well, that tends to be the stuff that goes ~poof!~ as quickly as it comes on, because 'real' people are always bound to say or do something, anything, that breaks the bubble of the idealized fantasy that's been built 'around' their image. So flattery can turns on a dime into hostility. Uhm... but it REALLY means you're dealing with someone who comes unravelled pretty easily.

 

In your case, this glazing over of reality was clear by his failure to 'hear' you when you told him you were busy this weekend. While the text about tenderness could otherwise be considered a nice-if-not-clumsy indicator that the guy was jazzed about meeting you and still thinking of you, he turned way too pushy--and instantly. THAT is someone who is impervious to anything you may have said or done while he was busy operating on fantasy.

 

People who live in their own head tend to overthink themselves into spirals. This guy came full circle and ruined the 'yes' he over-pressed for. But he did that to himSELF. He either recognized his bizarre overstep after-the-fact or your natural resistance came through--none of that matters. HE is an unstable flake, and he's showing you a brilliant neon sign that makes red flags seem quaint.

 

You were wise to recognize right away that something was off with this guy, and he exploded his own flame quickly enough to prove you right.

 

Head high, OP, and keep trusting your gut.

 

I second this entire post. OP, you did nothing wrong. You dodged a bullet, imo. This guy is not for you.

[Jibralta]

Wow, Eliza. It seems your gut was spot-on!

 

In other words, he is "testing".

 

I also agree that it seems like he was testing your boundaries. Maybe he'll even invite you out again. How stressful.

[Eliza50]

Dont get me wrong Ive had guys Ive been on the fence about, I would NEVER treat them like they were annoying me if I actually still wanted to date them, I wouldnt risk losing them, its almost like you saw his trying as a weakness and that he was gonna follow you around like a puppy while you threw him bones, most healthy people are gonna walk away

 

I must have missed this part yesterday.

 

What makes you think I treated him like he was annoying me? I got frustrated with texting because I rarely text myself, I prefer using the phone and the text conversation went like 'so, what time are you leaving?' '12' 'where will you go?' 'there', 'what time will you be back?', 'is she a close friend?' (the thing I had to do involved a friend)...and that's why I called him, because I thought it would be easier and quicker to talk about it rather than text.

 

I never expected him to follow me around like a puppy. I didn't expect him to even call me during the weekend. I expected a phonecall on Monday and a date some time in the week. That's what we had agreed on.

 

If by 'throwing him bones' you mean the one hour I could meet him, it was the only free hour I had on a very busy day. What was I supposed to do? Ignore all the things I had to do (some of them planned weeks before) to be at his beck and call?

[katrina1980]

Eliza, please try to keep an open mind while reading this.

 

Regardless of whether or not you dodged a bullet with this guy, which imo you probably did, when interacting with a new man you like, when replying to an invite or anytime really, best to stay away from words like "as I told you," or "I already told you," and the like.

 

The fact is you were frustrated and annoyed, you admitted it, and it's quite possible he picked that up in your delivery of -- "as I told you."

 

Please think about how you would feel if a new man used those same words with you in response to your invite.

 

I know for me, I would feel a bit belittled, like he was scolding me for not paying attention earlier, or as IAmCA said, correcting me.

 

I could see if you had been dating awhile, trust had developed and he was familiar with your tone and style of speaking. But you had only had one meet, to me it just didn't sound like a woman who is all that enthusiastic about a man she just met and a bit condescending.

 

The words "as I told you" were not necessary and had you left them out, the entire tone/energy of your response would have been different. I'm actually wondering what your point was in choosing to add those words. Again, they were not necessary.

 

Can you see this?

 

I KNOW it was not your intention to come off snarky, but as was mentioned, it's important to be aware of how your words and actions are being perceived/interpreted by the other person.

 

That said, I am just speaking in the general here, I have no idea why this man suddenly reneged on the quick one hour meet Saturday and has not set up another date.

 

Perhaps he will reach out next week, or if you are still interested, you could always reach out too.

[katrina1980]

You know it's funny, even when responding on this forum, if I miss something a poster previously mentioned, and ask the same question twice, when receiving a response "as I already told you Katrina," I feel a bit embarrassed and stupid.

 

Like the poster was scolding me for missing their previous response.

 

I know for me, I will often repeat a prior thought by saying "again...." or "as mentioned earlier....", but I don't think I've ever been so snarky to respond to a specific poster saying " as I already told you," or "I already told you," it just sounds a bit bytchy.

 

And this is an anonymous message board!

 

That said, I realize I can be overly sensitive to tone/energy so that may be part of it too.

 

Which your guy may be too, who knows.

 

I also realize that in the past, my responses have sometimes been rather snarky in other ways and for that I apologize!

 

Bottom line, words, how we choose to convey our thoughts and feelings are important, imo.

 

Again, as my late mom would say, it's not what we say, but how we choose to say it.

[Eliza50]

 

Please think about how you would feel if a new man used those same words with you in response to your invite.

 

 

Well, I wouldn't invite someone when I had already been told they would be busy that day and, if I did, I would say 'I know you're busy today but this has come up and I was wondering if you'd like to...' and so on. I would certainly not act as if I hadn't been told anything at all. I can't remember a single time I've done that, not even with close friends.

 

Anyway, he texted me good morning today, I texted good morning back and later he texted again asking how my weekend is going, I replied, he said he's fine, too, and that was that.

[katrina1980]

 

Well, I wouldn't invite someone when I had already been told they would be busy that day and, if I did, I would say 'I know you're busy today but this has come up and I was wondering if you'd like to...' and so on. I would certainly not act as if I hadn't been told anything at all. I can't remember a single time I've done that, not even with close friends.

 

Anyway, he texted me good morning today, I texted good morning back and later he texted again asking how my weekend is going, I replied, he said he's fine, too, and that was that.

 

That wasn't my question Eliza, but I sense I am now annoying you, so nevermind.

 

Best of luck!

[milly007]

Coming late to this thread, but I do find it very strange that he kept pushing despite you having told him you were busy.

 

I don't think you did or said anything wrong. Do we all have to be careful of how we word our messages/texts? Absolutely.

 

But I'm more concerned with his pushiness, and the fact that he was seemingly ignoring the fact that you already explained to him that you were busy. I find this very strange.

 

I'd just be cautious with this guy moving forward because it makes me wonder if he understands/respects boundaries.

[figureitout23]

I must have missed this part yesterday.

 

What makes you think I treated him like he was annoying me? I got frustrated with texting because I rarely text myself, I prefer using the phone and the text conversation went like 'so, what time are you leaving?' '12' 'where will you go?' 'there', 'what time will you be back?', 'is she a close friend?' (the thing I had to do involved a friend)...and that's why I called him, because I thought it would be easier and quicker to talk about it rather than text.

 

I never expected him to follow me around like a puppy. I didn't expect him to even call me during the weekend. I expected a phonecall on Monday and a date some time in the week. That's what we had agreed on.

 

If by 'throwing him bones' you mean the one hour I could meet him, it was the only free hour I had on a very busy day. What was I supposed to do? Ignore all the things I had to do (some of them planned weeks before) to be at his beck and call?

 

Well, I wouldn't invite someone when I had already been told they would be busy that day and, if I did, I would say 'I know you're busy today but this has come up and I was wondering if you'd like to...' and so on. I would certainly not act as if I hadn't been told anything at all. I can't remember a single time I've done that, not even with close friends.

 

Anyway, he texted me good morning today, I texted good morning back and later he texted again asking how my weekend is going, I replied, he said he's fine, too, and that was that.

 

Dude I can feel your snarkiness and passive aggression dripping from the pages.

 

Good for you, you got a dude you arent interested in, who triggered insecurity or whatever, back. This sounds promising.

 

Im not giving advice to people who refuse to look within, so agree with Kat, best of luck...

[SoulTaker]

Coming late to this thread, but I do find it very strange that he kept pushing despite you having told him you were busy.

 

I don't think you did or said anything wrong. Do we all have to be careful of how we word our messages/texts? Absolutely.

 

But I'm more concerned with his pushiness, and the fact that he was seemingly ignoring the fact that you already explained to him that you were busy. I find this very strange.

 

I'd just be cautious with this guy moving forward because it makes me wonder if he understands/respects boundaries.

 

I agree. On a 1st date, everyone needs to be on their "Ps & Qs". Op, stated that she couldn't agree to his request, and will get back to him. He didn't respect her wishes. That comes across as controlling (not getting his way). Obvious red flag. You don't do that after a 1st date.

 

If he's going to act like this at the very beginning, who knows what he's going to be like further down the road. Too much drama.

[Eliza50]

Well, he texted me again asking if we could meet on Tuesday afternoon. I said yes since I did like him (despite what some posters seem to think). I'll go on this second date in the hope that it was all a misunderstanding of some sort. I'll keep you posted.

[Eliza50]

Dude I can feel your snarkiness and passive aggression dripping from the pages.

 

That makes 2 of us, then, as 'follow you around like a puppy while you threw him bones' is the definition of a snarky comment :)