Am I being unreasonable?

[RayRay63]

So my mother of course picked me thinking I’m still pining for another child which I’m not .

 

Or maybe, just maybe, you were just paid the ultimate compliment from one mother, to another. And the matriach was thinking about the young lad, not you.

 

Please think about it.

 

I sense the doing the marvelous loving things you want to do for this boy, while resenting your mother's instructions on the subject.

 

PM me if you want to get into this. I've been to a few rodeos, and I've learned how to ride.

 

This isn't rocket science.

[Wiseman2]

Can you consult with your church regarding beginning a Catholic upbringing and education, once you actually have custody? Surely a child can be baptized and go through the rites and education once you are officially the legal guardian. Start there rather than create issues with your mother. Unfortunately while she is the legal guardian she can raise the child as she sees fit and can afford.

[Seraphim]

Or maybe, just maybe, you were just paid the ultimate compliment from one mother, to another. And the matriach was thinking about the young lad, not you.

 

Please think about it.

 

I sense the doing the marvelous loving things you want to do for this boy, while resenting your mother's instructions on the subject.

 

PM me if you want to get into this. I've been to a few rodeos, and I've learned how to ride.

 

This isn't rocket science.

I totally get what you are saying. I was more venting because my mom likes it HER way or else and I am the only one of the 5 kids expected to tow the line.

[Seraphim]

Can you consult with your church regarding beginning a Catholic upbringing and education, once you actually have custody? Surely a child can be baptized and go through the rites and education once you are officially the legal guardian. Start there rather than create issues with your mother. Unfortunately while she is the legal guardian she can raise the child as she sees fit and can afford.

Absolutely, you can complete your sacraments at anytime. I did when I was 46. I just had to do 6 months of instruction first.

[catfeeder]

You can put conditions on whether you'll take him or not, but you can't impose conditions on whether THEY will take him or not.

 

If they don't agree, then don't agree to be next in line.

[abitbroken]

I forget how old mom is. 70+ right? If she lives til 90, the child will be an adult when she dies and the child will not "become your child". I really would side with the idea of you applying as a competing party and adopting the child. Its not about "mom won't let me". IN the US anyway, a competing party can file paperwork. they don't need any permission form anyone else. The best interest of the child, if you tell them that mom intends to give you the child when she dies, to just have the continuity from the word go. And if stepdad outlives mom and let's say he has dementia, social services might try to place the child with someone who they have a closer day to day relationship with when he can no longer care for the child. Mom's wishes go out the window if they feel the best interest is someone who is in the child's day to day -

[abitbroken]

Can you consult with your church regarding beginning a Catholic upbringing and education, once you actually have custody? Surely a child can be baptized and go through the rites and education once you are officially the legal guardian. Start there rather than create issues with your mother. Unfortunately while she is the legal guardian she can raise the child as she sees fit and can afford.

 

You can become Catholic at any time -- even when you are an elderly person. I know someone who became Catholic at 82. You can't dictate how they raise him if she is the adopting parent. You would have to adopt the child

[Seraphim]

I forget how old mom is. 70+ right? If she lives til 90, the child will be an adult when she dies and the child will not "become your child". I really would side with the idea of you applying as a competing party and adopting the child. Its not about "mom won't let me". IN the US anyway, a competing party can file paperwork. they don't need any permission form anyone else. The best interest of the child, if you tell them that mom intends to give you the child when she dies, to just have the continuity from the word go. And if stepdad outlives mom and let's say he has dementia, social services might try to place the child with someone who they have a closer day to day relationship with when he can no longer care for the child. Mom's wishes go out the window if they feel the best interest is someone who is in the child's day to day -

My mom is 72. I doubt she will live to 90 though. I wish she would. But as I said longevity is pretty slim pickings in her family.

[abitbroken]

My mom is 72. I doubt she will live to 90 though. I wish she would. But as I said longevity is pretty slim pickings in her family.

 

If she adopts the child, then you have to let it go on how the chlld will be raised. If the child was 12 and had a close relationship with her, i can see being adopted by great grandma, but the child is so young, she is setting the child up to be orphaned -- first losing his parents by being not raised by them which will affect him to a small or a great degree, then planning on him being an orphan when? 5? 10? 12? I would petition for guaradianship yourself and at least give the child consistency. Or to be adopted by a younger couple who have been hoping for a child if you don't want him

[mustlovedogs]

I think it’s fine for her to raise the child as if it were her own. Would you avoid adopting a child who wasn’t raised catholic?

 

If she has animosity towards the church, then I would think you’re being a bit unreasonable to force it on her.

[Seraphim]

I think it’s fine for her to raise the child as if it were her own. Would you avoid adopting a child who wasn’t raised catholic?

 

If she has animosity towards the church, then I would think you’re being a bit unreasonable to force it on her.

No, I wouldn’t be adverse but he would be missing out on a big part of our family life.

[mustlovedogs]

No, I wouldn’t be adverse but he would be missing out on a big part of our family life.

 

But he can always learn about it if/when he comes to your family.

[Seraphim]

But he can always learn about it if/when he comes to your family.

 

Or choose not to as I said. Depending on what he learns before he gets to me. He will be with his great grandpa everyday and his great uncle every week.

[abitbroken]

Or choose not to as I said. Depending on what he learns before he gets to me. He will be with his great grandpa everyday and his great uncle every week.

You can still be a Christian witness in the child's life and make an effort to see him more than once every few months, keep in touch with skype or facetime, etc.

To me, the larger concern would be this "plan" for him to be adopted by a great grandparent who won't live to see him grow up most likely and then uprooted again. I would have thought the most permanent solution would have been best. Unless they think mom will get her act together and will be a different person by the time the child is 10 and great grandma is temporary.

[Seraphim]

You can still be a Christian witness in the child's life and make an effort to see him more than once every few months, keep in touch with skype or facetime, etc.

To me, the larger concern would be this "plan" for him to be adopted by a great grandparent who won't live to see him grow up most likely and then uprooted again. I would have thought the most permanent solution would have been best. Unless they think mom will get her act together and will be a different person by the time the child is 10 and great grandma is temporary.

That is what his mother wants to happen so she has ties to him.

[itsallgrand]

So they want this to be an open adoption where the mom still has regular access to the little guy?

Would she try to have him go live with her at some point?

 

I really feel for this little guy.

[Seraphim]

So they want this to be an open adoption where the mom still has regular access to the little guy?

Would she try to have him go live with her at some point?

 

I really feel for this little guy.

Yes, he would have access to her every week. It really is a tragedy because she can’t look after him. Due to the damage from her stroke she can’t learn to read or write she can’t remember things very well . She has no capacity to look after him and she has a very bad temper and very low frustration level due to her stroke. She won’t ever be better.

[itsallgrand]

That is incredibly sad. I'm starting to understand now why it's so important to all of you that he remain in the family.

It would be very difficult to find adoptive parents able and willing to deal with the complex situation with your niece.

 

I've seen sooo many kids who are in the system a long time , aging out, due to conditions on open adoptions. Only saying it would make it more difficult for a quick adoption in his case.

[Seraphim]

That is incredibly sad. I'm starting to understand now why it's so important to all of you that he remain in the family.

It would be very difficult to find adoptive parents able and willing to deal with the complex situation with your niece.

 

I've seen sooo many kids who are in the system a long time , aging out, due to conditions on open adoptions. Only saying it would make it more difficult for a quick adoption in his case.

 

He would be going to my mom probably by next week.

[journeynow]

I don't know if unreasonable/reasonable fits the situation. Your point of view is understandable, as is her resistance, based on who each of you are and have been. Maybe it is too soon to expect to see eye-to-eye, since you are not even close to crossing that bridge, and she doesn't yet have him living with her. Can you give her other kinds of support (and thus, support him) through this transition and adjustment? His adoption and upbringing is out of your hands at the moment. I like the suggestion that has been made to perhaps talk to your clergy about it, maybe as an ongoing discussion. In your shoes, I would pray about it as well. Get my guidance from higher up.

[Seraphim]

I don't know if unreasonable/reasonable fits the situation. Your point of view is understandable, as is her resistance, based on who each of you are and have been. Maybe it is too soon to expect to see eye-to-eye, since you are not even close to crossing that bridge, and she doesn't yet have him living with her. Can you give her other kinds of support (and thus, support him) through this transition and adjustment? His adoption and upbringing is out of your hands at the moment. I like the suggestion that has been made to perhaps talk to your clergy about it, maybe as an ongoing discussion. In your shoes, I would pray about it as well. Get my guidance from higher up.

Absolutely, will pray about it.

 

I don’t want to say too much about my own conversion but I feel being given the Spirit as a four week old did eventually lead to my own conversion . Had the Spirit not been there to guide it is quite possible I could have missed out. Don’t want to get into too much more of that because I don’t want to get into the proselytizing side of things .

 

But I do feel my mom believing what she wants to believe is fine . It doesn’t bother me what other people choose to believe. It does bother me what the people in my own household or raised by me believe . That is where I have the issue . My Mom and my stepdad and my brother can all believe what they like as long as we treat each other with kindness . Though my brother and step dad have been nasty on occasion.

[journeynow]

It does bother me what the people in my own household or raised by me believe . That is where I have the issue

I understand. When he moves in with you, that is when he is part of your household, and raised by you, and then, you show him the way. In other words, you bring him along. People in your house go to this particular church, have these particular practices, discuss these particular beliefs, and while you live under this roof, you join us. Then you lead. He will have an idea of who you are before that point, and may have already asked you questions. Of course you can't truly know what anyone else believes (even if they tell you these things), or make them believe anything, but you definitely can share your beliefs, and openly practice them and answer questions. You will have an influence on him even when he lives with your mother, simply by being who you are and living your beliefs.

[Seraphim]

I understand. When he moves in with you, that is when he is part of your household, and raised by you, and then, you show him the way. In other words, you bring him along. People in your house go to this particular church, have these particular practices, discuss these particular beliefs, and while you live under this roof, you join us. Then you lead. He will have an idea of who you are before that point, and may have already asked you questions. Of course you can't truly know what anyone else believes (even if they tell you these things), or make them believe anything, but you definitely can share your beliefs, and openly practice them and answer questions. You will have an influence on him even when he lives with your mother, simply by being who you are and living your beliefs.

Absolutely, when he comes to this branch of the family he will know me for sure and attend Mass with my family probably starting this Christmas.

[RayRay63]

Absolutely, when he comes to this branch of the family he will know me for sure and attend Mass with my family probably starting this Christmas.

 

I am not overtly religious myself, meaning that I am not an organized church goer. That does not mean that I believe the universe, and humanity, is some sort of mathematical accident, or that there is not a guiding hand at work. I may have even read the bible over the years ;-). Along with W Somerset Maugham's the razors edge, and other works. I even read some books on Japanese spiritual beliefs and "honor", to try to comprehend why they saw fit to murder my great uncle, a POW, in 1943.

 

I said before, I do not think you are being unreasonable.

 

Just show him love, and guide him in as and when.

 

But ultimately, the little guy will make up his own mind.

 

[*Still working on that one - some needless acts of cruelty are difficult to forgive.]

[Seraphim]

My mom and step dad get M next Tuesday.