Am I being unreasonable?

[luminousone]

Is there any chance they will let you adopt him now?

 

Somehow I was thinking your mom's health was tenuous, which would make it difficult to run after a toddler.

 

Since they will be the legal adoptive parents right now, they get to call the shots. You can certainly request that they send him to a Catholic school, but it is their choice to follow through with that - or not. Maybe if you offer to foot the bill, they will. But it sounds like her soul is wounded and she is blaming the church for that. So I don't think it will happen.

 

If it is any consolation, remember that you were brought up non Catholic, and look where you are now. So there is always hope.

[Seraphim]

Well, since the child is going to be in your parents' care until they pass away, I don't see why you should have any influence over how they're going to raise the child. I think your other fears are just fears and not founded. I don't see how he would be difficult to raise if you don't raise him. And certainly people who aren't raised with religion may actually be hungry for religion when they get older. And if you get him at 5 or 10 years old, I'm sure you can bring him to Mass with you and teach him about the religion. I don't see how even a 12 or a 13 year old is going to be debating your son about his religion. I think you're worrying about nothing and you're causing trouble within the family over nothing. You don't need to be an infant to be indoctrinated into a religion. And people will decide later in life to either stay in it or to move on. So I suggest you wait until the situation presents itself before making a fuss.

So how do I be his mom with no influence? I think if she wants me to do this and how it was put to me was , I told CAS you’re doing this. I was not asked. I was TOLD. As the good dutiful daughter that I would tow the line because they do not want him with people that are not family . Sorry kiddo but you’re going to raise another child whether you like it or don’t like it . I know your child’s an adult and you just got a life but oh well . She didn’t even ask if my husband would want to. I was just told this is what I was doing . So if I’m going to knuckle under she has give something too. I’m going to have him a whole hell of a lot longer than she’s going to . She’s 72 and I’m 51 . And my stepdad’s going to be 80.

[Seraphim]

Is there any chance they will let you adopt him now?

 

Somehow I was thinking your mom's health was tenuous, which would make it difficult to run after a toddler.

 

Since they will be the legal adoptive parents right now, they get to call the shots. You can certainly request that they send him to a Catholic school, but it is their choice to follow through with that - or not. Maybe if you offer to foot the bill, they will. But it sounds like her soul is wounded and she is blaming the church for that. So I don't think it will happen.

 

If it is any consolation, remember that you were brought up non Catholic, and look where you are now. So there is always hope.

Yes, she is wounded. No, she would never give him to me now.

[luminousone]

I do suggest you begin building as close of a relationship with the child as you can, so that when the time comes for you to be his guardian, he will already be close to you. Besides visiting every few months, perhaps you can have him for a week here and there. And take him to church with you - when you visit home, and when he comes to visit you.

[Seraphim]

I do suggest you begin building as close of a relationship with the child as you can, so that when the time comes for you to be his guardian, he will already be close to you. Besides visiting every few months, perhaps you can have him for a week here and there. And take him to church with you - when you visit home, and when he comes to visit you.

Absolutely. I will be asking for him now and again when he is not visiting his birth mother and father .

[itsallgrand]

Just keep in mind that even if you raise him in these beliefs, there is no guarantee he will take them as his own.

Every person is different, and even if his experiences are mostly positive, he may simply choose a different path for himself.

 

As you know, I was raised Catholic. I went through all the classes, the involvement with the church, and had people in my life with strong beliefs on the subject. Even so, it did not resonate for me and I chose a non religious path.

 

It's more important that he's shown love and acceptance, that's all. Acceptance either way. He will know you, be loved by you, so he will have plenty of opportunity to learn about your religion.

[Seraphim]

Just keep in mind that even if you raise him in these beliefs, there is no guarantee he will take them as his own.

Every person is different, and even if his experiences are mostly positive, he may simply choose a different path for himself.

 

As you know, I was raised Catholic. I went through all the classes, the involvement with the church, and had people in my life with strong beliefs on the subject. Even so, it did not resonate for me and I chose a non religious path.

 

It's more important that he's shown love and acceptance, that's all. Acceptance either way. He will know you, be loved by you, so he will have plenty of opportunity to learn about your religion.

 

I realize. Yes, he will be loved regardless of his path.

 

I think though that my mom thinks I still pine for having another child which I don’t . SHE wants my son to have a sibling. As you know my husband and I gave up on having another child and have settled in our hearts with our one . It was an incredibly long and painful painful painful journey for both of us . And this kind of dredges that up again . We went through a failed adoption because my husband bailed ( 17years ago) that boy would now be 19 years old .

 

Not that I wouldn’t love this child but this is not what I planned for in my life in my 60s . Mom once again wants her way and wants me to do it . But I myself can’t see him going to anybody but family . And I am the only one willing .

[RayRay63]

IMHO, you should do whatever you can now to make sure the little guy is raised in a warm, secure and loving household, with no (potential) family schism detracting from that.

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the circumstances you have described, but he doesn't need to be seeing you and your mother having a spat about this over the coming months/years. Imagine if he ends up thinking it's his fault you and your mother are in disagreement.

 

His formative years are going to be difficult enough, as he grows up with all sorts of questions about his natural parents troubling his young head. Don't make it any harder for him.

 

In time, you will be able to show him your values and faith, to guide him from a position of love and grace. He may take those up then, or he may choose his own path*. If he moves location when he comes to live with you, changing schools will be a natural process at that point.

 

Basically, I'm telling you to take one for the team at this stage - for the sake of this child's happiness.

 

[* “The path to Salvation is as narrow and as difficult to walk as a razor's edge.” - W. Somerset Maugham]

[boltnrun]

My brother is Catholic and I am not. We are not "at odds" with one another. I respect his beliefs and he respects my non-belief. We love each other and don't allow our differences to affect our sibling love.

[Seraphim]

IMHO, you should do whatever you can now to make sure the little guy is raised in a warm, secure and loving household, with no (potential) family schism detracting from that.

 

I don't think you are being unreasonable in the circumstances you have described, but he doesn't need to be seeing you and your mother having a spat about this over the coming months/years. Imagine if he ends up thinking it's his fault you and your mother are in disagreement.

 

His formative years are going to be difficult enough, as he grows up with all sorts of questions about his natural parents troubling his young head. Don't make it any harder for him.

 

In time, you will be able to show him your values and faith, to guide him from a position of love and grace. He may take those up then, or he may choose his own path*. If he moves location when he comes to live with you, changing schools will be a natural process at that point.

 

Basically, I'm telling you to take one for the team at this stage - for the sake of this child's happiness.

 

[* “The path to Salvation is as narrow and as difficult to walk as a razor's edge.” - W. Somerset Maugham]

 

Absolutely, we wouldn’t argue in front of him. And he would have much greater access to his birth mom other wise with me and my mom than going to strangers who would cut contact for him and his mom. And it is actually kind of funny because my niece and I share the same birthday .

 

I think I’m just more angry that my mother is shoving her wishes down everybody’s throat as always. Deciding what is good for them . It irritates me to no end .

[Seraphim]

My brother is Catholic and I am not. We are not "at odds" with one another. I respect his beliefs and he respects my non-belief. We love each other and don't allow our differences to affect our sibling love.

Well, I respect my brother’s right not to believe my brother does not do so for me . I just don’t let it interfere with our relationship . And in a sense he does not either . But he will argue to the ends of the earth if I bring up anything . So I just do not bring up religion in my brother’s presence because like I said he’s about foaming at the mouth if I do . And my stepdad calls us Mickey Mousers. And my birth father calls us child abusers for raising our child Catholic so that kind of tells you what I face in my family . ( never mind that my birth father kidnapped us ,never fed us ,never bought us clothes let his brother rape me but yeah I’m a child abuser ,OK )

[boltnrun]

That's a shame. Religious beliefs or lack therof should not be used as weapons.

 

Also, I am a single mother whose health is not good. I ASKED my brother and his then wife if they would be willing to help parent my children if something happened to me. I wouldn't dream of imposing on them without their express permission.

[Seraphim]

That's a shame. Religious beliefs or lack therof should not be used as weapons.

 

Also, I am a single mother whose health is not good. I ASKED my brother and his then wife if they would be willing to help parent my children if something happened to me. I wouldn't dream of imposing on them without their express permission.

I have also asked that of my brother if I should pass away that he would take my son . But I know he won’t take 2. He would take my biological child for sure . He is already a single dad . And he is raising his eldest daughter and pays $2000 a month in child support for his other two . And he has his other two probably 40% of the time . When my son was born he promised to take my son if I should pass away .

[RayRay63]

I think I’m just more angry that my mother is shoving her wishes down everybody’s throat as always. Deciding what is good for them . It irritates me to no end .

 

Indeed, and my experience is the matriachs do this more as they get older.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

[Seraphim]

Indeed, and my experience is the matriachs do this more as they get older.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

 

Hahaha yeah, my mom is the family matriarch 100% for sure . And by mother says that is my role after her passing . That is her wish that I take on the matriarch role and hold the family together . That is my duty as her daughter and the eldest of the five and their families. Really , the thought leaves me horrified . I am in no way as diplomatic as her .

[melancholy123]

What would happen if you had told your mother no, you were not going to take in this child when she dies?

 

Also, you said mom is 72. She could live another 15 or 20 years and at that point the boy will at least be part way thru high school or possibly have graduated and he will be who he is and if he's at least 18 he wont have to live with you or anyone else. Religion or lack of same will have been sorted out before that time comes.

[Seraphim]

What would happen if you had told your mother no, you were not going to take in this child when she dies?

 

Also, you said mom is 72. She could live another 15 or 20 years and at that point the boy will at least be part way thru high school or possibly have graduated and he will be who he is and if he's at least 18 he wont have to live with you or anyone else. Religion or lack of same will have been sorted out before that time comes.

Not sure she will live that long. I wish she would. But longevity has never been part of her family genetics . Her father died at 60 and her mom died at 73. But I guess it is possible though not likely.

 

Also the boy does have some developmental delay . They are not sure yet if this is genetic or just environment. And if it is genetic then I might have two sons for the rest of my life at my house.

[Realitynut]

I raised 2 sons thru the Catholic school system. The first up til high school. In 8th grade he was voted most religious. My younger son told me when he was about 5th grade he didn't believe in God. I told them, that I was going to raise them with a Christian upbringing(doesnt matter if it's Catholic, Lutheran, etc) and when they get older they can make their own decisions.

 

Neither of them are religious...and none of us go to church anymore.

 

I too, didn't understand that comment 'the brothers will be odds with one another'....why? Religion shouldn't be THAT important that it tears families apart....makes one brother turn on another. That is the PROBLEM with organized religion.

 

Just raise him to be kind-hearted to ALL people. OF all faiths, all beliefs. Open-minded. Non judgmental. That is the most "godly" way to live. IMO

[BeenThereB4]

I think you’re missing a really important point, which is you are never going to be this boy's mother. You’re going to be his big sister. You’re mom and step-father are adopting him. They will be his parents and have the right to raise him as they see fit. Your adult son will not be this boy’s brother. He will be his nephew. These roles won’t change just because you adopt this boy and take him into your care. Plenty of adult siblings take in their younger siblings upon the death of their parents and become their legal guardians. This doesn’t change the fact that they are siblings.

 

Your parents have every right to raise their own son as they see fit. Once your little brother comes to live with you, you can make going to church mandatory if you wish. As his legal guardian, you will be setting the rules. As a pre-teen or teen, it will be his choice as to whether or not he believes in the religion, but it doesn’t have to be a major source of contention.

 

Why don’t you adopt this baby now if you wish to be seen as his mother? Adopt him now and you get to raise him as you see fit. Why does it have to be his great-grandparents who adopt him?

[Seraphim]

I think you’re missing a really important point, which is you are never going to be this boy's mother. You’re going to be his big sister. You’re mom and step-father are adopting him. They will be his parents and have the right to raise him as they see fit. Your adult son will not be this boy’s brother. He will be his nephew. These roles won’t change just because you adopt this boy and take him into your care. Plenty of adult siblings take in their younger siblings upon the death of their parents and become their legal guardians. This doesn’t change the fact that they are siblings.

 

Your parents have every right to raise their own son as they see fit. Once your little brother comes to live with you, you can make going to church mandatory if you wish. As his legal guardian, you will be setting the rules. As a pre-teen or teen, it will be his choice as to whether or not he believes in the religion, but it doesn’t have to be a major source of contention.

 

Why don’t you adopt this baby now if you wish to be seen as his mother? Adopt him now and you get to raise him as you see fit. Why does it have to be his great-grandparents who adopt him?

My mom herself is the one that calls him my son’s BROTHER. She wants them to be siblings. Why do they want him? Because my stepdad wants his great grandson and that’s the end of it . And he is the biological relative and he would fight me to the ends of the earth .

[Seraphim]

I raised 2 sons thru the Catholic school system. The first up til high school. In 8th grade he was voted most religious. My younger son told me when he was about 5th grade he didn't believe in God. I told them, that I was going to raise them with a Christian upbringing(doesnt matter if it's Catholic, Lutheran, etc) and when they get older they can make their own decisions.

 

Neither of them are religious...and none of us go to church anymore.

 

I too, didn't understand that comment 'the brothers will be odds with one another'....why? Religion shouldn't be THAT important that it tears families apart....makes one brother turn on another. That is the PROBLEM with organized religion.

 

Just raise him to be kind-hearted to ALL people. OF all faiths, all beliefs. Open-minded. Non judgmental. That is the most "godly" way to live. IMO

 

Of course he will be raised as a good person just as my own child was and I was.

[Seraphim]

I raised 2 sons thru the Catholic school system. The first up til high school. In 8th grade he was voted most religious. My younger son told me when he was about 5th grade he didn't believe in God. I told them, that I was going to raise them with a Christian upbringing(doesnt matter if it's Catholic, Lutheran, etc) and when they get older they can make their own decisions.

 

Neither of them are religious...and none of us go to church anymore.

 

I too, didn't understand that comment 'the brothers will be odds with one another'....why? Religion shouldn't be THAT important that it tears families apart....makes one brother turn on another. That is the PROBLEM with organized religion.

 

Just raise him to be kind-hearted to ALL people. OF all faiths, all beliefs. Open-minded. Non judgmental. That is the most "godly" way to live. IMO

My son is the most non judgmental person around. It is the rest my family that is judgemental . They are the ones choosing to get their nickers in a knot and judging us. We don’t judge them or start anything. They do.

[BeenThereB4]

My mom herself is the one that calls him my son’s BROTHER. She wants them to be siblings. Why do they want him? Because my stepdad wants his great grandson and that’s the end of it . And he is the biological relative and he would fight me to the ends of the earth .

 

Your mother is not looking at the facts. The baby will be YOUR brother and your son’s uncle. They may become as close as brothers, but their relationship to each other will still be uncle and nephew. Also, I didn’t ask why your parents wanted the baby. Of course the baby is wanted. I asked why it had to be them that adopted the baby. But, as you said, the great-grandfather insists upon it because the child is his blood. And as such, he and your mother have the right to raise him as they see fit.

 

So, to answer your question, I do think it is unreasonable to tell your parents how to raise your little brother. With that said, I don’t think that it will likely cause any friction as far as the child and your son. My entire family is Catholic. They are all involved in the exact same activities that you mentioned above. They are extremely devout. I was raised Catholic and even went to a convent boarding school. I’m not Catholic, nor are my husband and son. We all still get along just fine. I think you’re probably right in suggesting that the tension you are projecting into a possible future outcome is really a manifestation of the tension that comes with your mother imposing her will on others.

 

Anyway, congratulations on the newest member of your family. I’m sure he is a doll and will bring much joy.

[Seraphim]

Your mother is not looking at the facts. The baby will be YOUR brother and your son’s uncle. They may become as close as brothers, but their relationship to each other will still be uncle and nephew. Also, I didn’t ask why your parents wanted the baby. Of course the baby is wanted. I asked why it had to be them that adopted the baby. But, as you said, the great-grandfather insists upon it because the child is his blood. And as such, he and your mother have the right to raise him as they see fit.

 

So, to answer your question, I do think it is unreasonable to tell your parents how to raise your little brother. With that said, I don’t think that it will likely cause any friction as far as the child and your son. My entire family is Catholic. They are all involved in the exact same activities that you mentioned above. They are extremely devout. I was raised Catholic and even went to a convent boarding school. I’m not Catholic, nor are my husband and son. We all still get along just fine. I think you’re probably right in suggesting that the tension you are projecting into a possible future outcome is really a manifestation of the tension that comes with your mother imposing her will on others.

 

Anyway, congratulations on the newest member of your family. I’m sure he is a doll and will bring much joy.

My step sister can’t adopt her grandson CAS has told her she has too many kids of her own she has six . One who is two weeks younger than her own grandson . My stepsister’s kids go from 19 years old to 13 months . And she has three kids under five already . So CAS told her not a hope in hell . And they deemed the father’s family unacceptable and he is only allowed supervised visits at the agency with his father’s family . His grandmother on that side all of her children have been in care and all are in trouble with the law and she has herself as well for stealing this baby’s identity and my niece’s identity to get utilities she can’t get on her own. His own biological uncles don’t want him . They have nothing to do with their sister because they are embarrassed by her lifestyle and that includes three groups of kids with three different guys . So when my great nephew was picked up by CAS my stepdad went nuts and said nope he was being taken home. However for them to adopt him CAS requires them to have a plan in place because of their age . So my mother of course picked me thinking I’m still pining for another child which I’m not . But she’s bent and determined my adult child is going to have a sibling.

 

Myself I would never turn a child out and he will be loved. However my mom needs to learn that impressing her will on everybody doesn’t make for good relationships

[RayRay63]

 

Why don’t you adopt this baby now if you wish to be seen as his mother? Adopt him now and you get to raise him as you see fit. Why does it have to be his great-grandparents who adopt him?

 

Hi Been there.

 

I think Seaphim described this pretty well. Not really her choice in this, and she's doing the best she can.

 

It's not a simple situation. Having been through the unfortunate experience of an aging mother causing schism and strife, and trying to control everyone, and being a complete harridan (google it) I think Seraphim is doing OK in venting this ... I think she is really doing OK...

 

... and doing what is best for this young fellow.

 

Please tell me you agree with me that that is the ultimate goal.

 

Why are discussing the relationship between (some of) the separate family households as if it is some power struggle?

 

What is really important here?