GF moving out but staying together

[boltnrun]

You keep saying "she moves out and I will.have to manage my life on my own".

 

Well...SHOULDN'T you be? Why is it her responsibility to help you care for your kids or manage your life?

[katrina1980]

UGuy, may I ask why you created this thread? Serious question.

 

You asked for our thoughts/opinions but you have refuted each and every one. Your choice of course, but it does beg the question why you created the thread and what you were hoping to hear.

 

At this point, after reading all your posts, I think it's best you simply end the relationship, go separate ways.

 

The resentment you feel toward her and what she has decided is best for her and her family is palpable; I don't envision it improving. To the contrary it will only get worse if you continue, feeling as you do.

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out as you expected, but it's only been a few months, so hopefully you will bounce back quickly. Wish her well and move on to a woman who is in a better position to meet your needs, and allow her to do same.

 

Best of luck and take care.

[UnsureGuy]

You keep saying "she moves out and I will.have to manage my life on my own".

 

Well...SHOULDN'T you be? Why is it her responsibility to help you care for your kids or manage your life?

 

You are taking my words out of context.

 

Manage my own life and help her with hers...

 

Commitments were made...

 

Wanting a compromise or a decision to focus in my own affairs...

 

It feels like the consensus from many here is that I am selfish if I want her to compromise and that I should support her no matter what she does or says, and that I should disregard my feelings and be patient with her to see what happens.

[UnsureGuy]

UGuy, may I ask why you created this thread? Serious question.

 

You asked for our thoughts/opinions but you have refuted each and every one. Your choice of course, but it does beg the question why you started it and what you were hoping to hear.

 

At this point, after reading all your posts, I think it's best you simply end the relationship, go separate ways.

 

The resentment you feel toward her and what she has decided is best for her and her family is palpable; I don't envision it improving. To the contrary it will only get worse if you continue, feeling as you do.

 

I'm sorry things didn't work out as you expected, it's only been a few months.

 

Wish her well and move on to a woman who is in a better position to meet your needs, and her as well.

 

Take care.

 

I am looking for insight, not answers, necessarily. I have made clarifications.

 

 

I suppose I was looking for others who may have been in a similar situation, or perhaps advice on communication in order to reach a compromise. It blows my mind that the majority are basically saying I am selfish,s hould suck it up, and how dare I seek a compromise with her.

[katrina1980]

I am looking for insight, not answers, necessarily. I have made clarifications.

 

 

I suppose I was looking for others who may have been in a similar situation, or perhaps advice on communication in order to reach a compromise. It blows my mind that the majority are basically saying I am selfish,s hould suck it up, and how dare I seek a compromise with her.

 

You are not wrong for seeking compromise and I never said you were! In fact, I think the compromise you proposed is quite reasonable.

 

But at this point, given what you have described about the situation, it doesn't appear likely that is going to happen, at least not the type of compromise you want.. You cannot force someone to compromise in the way you expect, they either have it in them to compromise or they don't.

 

That is why I am suggesting to end it, I honestly don't see how you have much choice, do you? Like I said your resentment is palpable, and will only get worse over time.

 

It's sad and I am sorry, but that's life.

[Rdunsany]

I think the advice that bluecastle provided is pretty spot-on. Here's the thing: you're her boyfriend of a few months. This is her father. It isn't like she's moving out to live on her own or with a friend. Yes, he hasn't been diagnosed, but she obviously has a lot of concerns due to family history and would feel more comfortable being in a place where she could take care of him, if it gets to that point. All of that is totally reasonable.

 

I think this person sounds pretty wonderful. She is dedicated to being there for her family and, at the same time, still loves you very much and wants to have a future with you and is being very clear in expressing this.

 

I am a little confused why you'll only see her 4 days a month. Maybe it was mentioned in the thread and I missed it? Does her dad live hours away? Are you not allowed to go over there?

[bluecastle]

I agree with katrina about the palpable resentment. And it's probably that tone—which, believe me, I understand is connected to big feelings like love and loss—that's making it hard to offer much insight here. It's a bit like trying to advise someone to compromise with someone they don't really like or respect anymore or much want to be with anymore, if that makes sense.

 

We can only go on what you give us, the facts, the tone.

 

My two cents here is that you both moved too fast. Whirlwinds are awesome, but sometimes we lose sight of ourselves a bit—one person, both—and in that moment we get a little squirrelly. Moving in, power of attorney, vows for forever—that's a lot of pressure on a new foundation, and maybe it's triggered something in her, some place where you guys aren't quite in sync.

 

What she needs right now for comfort is causing you discomfort, and vise versa. I'd love to say take a deep breath, let a few weeks or months just kind of happen, but my feeling is all that will happen is your resentment will continue to harden. So best to just let go, and find someone who wants to move at the same pace.

[UnsureGuy]

My kids will be in one town and school, while her kids will be another. My kids have visitation with their mother, and that is why we will have few chances to spend quality time together.

 

If I find that I am uncomfortable with things after she moves out, I will peacefully end things with her, wish her happiness, and I will take steps to move on.

[reinventmyself]

You keep speaking of compromise.

What would a compromise look like to you? One where both partners concede on certain parts and agree on others to reach some common ground.

What compromise have you proposed?

[UnsureGuy]

You keep speaking of compromise.

What would a compromise look like to you? One where both partners concede on certain parts and agree on others to reach some common ground.

What compromise have you proposed?

 

Earlier in the thread, I mentioned that I would like to help her with her father and split our time between our house amd his, allowing us to grow our relationship and work on our future, but also allow a lot of time for her dad.

 

She bought a gift for my toddler and cuddles with him, and says how much she loves him, and is glad she has sons now (she has daughters and can't have any more kids.) We will barely be able to see each other's kids.

 

I don't understand her mindset

[DancingFool]

Earlier in the thread, I mentioned that I would like to help her with her father and split our time between our house amd his, allowing us to grow our relationship and work on our future, but also allow a lot of time for her dad.

 

She bought a gift for my toddler and cuddles with him, and says how much she loves him, and is glad she has sons now (she has daughters and can't have any more kids.) We will barely be able to see each other's kids.

 

I don't understand her mindset

 

From what you wrote, it sounds like she is badly traumatized by what's happened with her family and its history and problems with Alzheimer's. What she is doing now actually makes sense - acting preemptively out of fear, running to be with her dad. It's more of an emotional rather than a rational reaction but it's what makes sense for her and what calms her trauma.

 

In that light, I do think that your tone and resentment are misplaced and lacking in compassion and understanding of someone you claim to love. Why don't you slow down a bit. Take a deep breath, back off a bit. Let her sort herself out. Don't judge her, don't demand anything right now. Give her some time to work this out and let the future happen. Give things some time and then see how the reality is working out for you and see how you feel then. Take a big step back from this resentment and broken promises story. You opened up your post by saying that her reasons to move out are vague, but it turns out that they aren't at all. You are carrying some baggage yourself that you need to work through when it comes to relationships so you don't jump so quickly to anger, disappointment, and resentment.

[katrina1980]

Great advice from DF.

 

OP, don't allow your fear of what's happened in the past and what you envision (preemptively) happening in the future, to drive the train, which it appears is what you're allowing it to do.

[UnsureGuy]

She has been leaving her girls with me to take care of when she goes to her old place to pack more things; things she is now taking to her dad's.

 

I am actually beginning to feel used, and that her desire to maintain a relationship is possibly a security issue for the event that her current plans don't work out.

[boltnrun]

If she does not agree to your compromise, do you feel you will have no choice but to end the relationship?

[katrina1980]

 

I am actually beginning to feel used, and that her desire to maintain a relationship is possibly a security issue for the event that her current plans don't work out.

 

So far you've told us:

 

She makes you feel like a possession.

You're concerned about her possibly cheating.

You're resentful that she's moving in with her dad.

And now you're beginning to feel used and suspect she only needs you for security.

 

May I ask what's keeping you in this relationship? Serious question.

 

There's nothing good or positive here, and not quite sure what's preventing you from walking away now, given all the negatives you feel and have posted about her.

[UnsureGuy]

If she does not agree to your compromise, do you feel you will have no choice but to end the relationship?

 

It is definitely a choice. I of course can choose stay with her regardless of what she does.

 

So far you've told us:

 

She makes you feel like a possession.

You're concerned about her possibly cheating.

You're resentful that she's moving in with her dad.

And now you're beginning to feel used and suspect she only needs you for security.

 

May I ask what's keeping you in this relationship? Serious question.

 

There's nothing good or positive here, and not quite sure what's preventing you from walking away now, given all the negatives you feel and have posted about her.

 

I didn't say I was afraid that she will cheat, I said I was worried about possibilities. I have been open with her about ptsd related to betrayal, but so was my ex-wife who cheated like mad during the last year we were together.

 

This is a major issue, and it is bringing out negatives. Besides this particular issue, our relationship is fantastic. We talk a lot about many different things, we like the same movies, we like a lot of the same music, we are techies, we enjoy doing things together, the sex is absolutely fantastic, and until recently, we had goals.

 

Now there are no goals other than that she wants to move into her dad's, stay together amd see each other as we can manage it.

 

I read some material from Joe Beam about how people fall in love in a long term committed relationship, amd the main thing is having a goal. Without a goal, people drift apart.

 

So here I am working on projects and looking into starting the business and finishing my degree while raising my kids. There she is, sitting at her dad's. Her dad isn't even sick (yet,) and she admitted that he is going to be helping her with her kids; getting them ready for school and driving them around while he works full time and manages his household.

 

While she is basically doing next to nothing a town over, I must find time to go see her and spend a couple nights with her so that we can have an emotional departure each time.

 

As I type this, it does seem like I am holding on in order to capture the magic we had before her decision, because there isn't going to be any magic if I decide to stay with her after she moves. If she basically jas a free ride at her dad's, she isn't going to give that up.

[boltnrun]

Have you told her you view her as sitting around doing nothing while getting a "free ride" at her dad's?

 

I agree with Katrina, your opinion of her as you have expressed on here is quite low. Almost disdainful.

[katrina1980]

 

Besides this particular issue, our relationship is fantastic. We talk a lot about many different things, we like the same movies, we like a lot of the same music, we are techies, we enjoy doing things together, the sex is absolutely fantastic, and until recently, we had goals.

 

Now there are no goals....

 

Bolded -- these things do not a long term committed RL make. They're a fabulous start! But not what will sustain a RL long term. I mean FWBs can easily say the same in many instances.

 

Currently, shared goals are non-existent. Along with shared values cause goals and values go hand in hand.

 

You've only been dating a very short time (the honeymoon stage) where most people have got their blinders on.

 

However, if one is smart, it's also the time during which we observe and evaluate each other to determine if we're a good fit long term. Given all you have posted, it's quite obvious that you and your gf are not.

 

Without shared values and goals, this RL, or any RL, doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of working out long term.

 

Harsh truth. Sorry.

 

You are fortunate you discovered this early on, only a few months in, and should be able to walk away with minimal heartbreak.

 

Best of luck.

[UnsureGuy]

Have you told her you view her as sitting around doing nothing while getting a "free ride" at her dad's?

 

I agree with Katrina, your opinion of her as you have expressed on here is quite low. Almost disdainful.

 

I have expressed that concern and also that while I am hurt, I get that she wants to spend time with her dad; please compromise with me.

 

Perhaps it is difficult for me to convey things through posts. I would say I feel disdain for her, because if I did, I would leave her.

 

When I posted that I felt like I was being used, that was how I felt in that moment when I thought about certain things, such as taking care of her kids while she works on moving into her dad's.

 

Am I angry with her over this? Absolutely. Do I hate her? Of course not. Can you be upset and even bothered by certain actions of your significant other? I think so. I am trying to address it so I can decide to stay or leave over it. She is refusing to compromise and staring like a deer in the headlights when I try to talk to her about the situation, amd then tries using intimacy in order to shut me down amd accept it.

 

Maybe she isn't seeing the bigger picture right now. I have a feeling thay both my gf and her dad are going to be full of stress and regret after three months or so due to the dynamic there.

[UnsureGuy]

She had to go out of town over night to receive a special medication in the morning. She has been texting that she is sad to be apart amd that she misses me.

[Wiseman2]

Wasn't she living with the father and her kids before she started staying with you? They will work out because living with you didn't work out and that solidified her decision to return to her safe, more advantageous situation, where she doesn't have the financial strain of paying the living expense in your house. It also solves the problem of the chaos and waste of time living neither here nor there and commuting hours back and forth to your place and hers/her fathers.

her current plans don't work out.

[UnsureGuy]

Wasn't she living with the father and her kids before she started staying with you? They will work out because living with you didn't work out and that solidified her decision to return to her safe, more advantageous situation, where she doesn't have the financial strain of paying the living expense in your house. It also solves the problem of the chaos and waste of time living neither here nor there and commuting hours back and forth to your place and hers/her fathers.

 

No, she did not love at her dad's prior, and there have been no problems with us living together. It has been a relatively smooth, stress-free experience.

 

Her dad is married to a loud, mean woman, amd his son os loud, disrespectful and rude. GF and her kids are going to love in the basement. I am currently paying for all of the bills and providing transportation while GF covers food. Being on disability makes me available for all appointments (of which there are many,) while her dad works fulltime and his wife doesn't drive.

 

It creates chaos for me to juggle the new situation (which I am probably not going to put up with, the more I think about it.)

[Wiseman2]

Agree it sounds chaotic with the father's house, both your kids, both your exes and the over an hour commute. When you two were friends before getting involved, was her life this chaotic?

It creates chaos for me to juggle the new situation

[IAmFCA]

As you sort this, it may help to make lists. In the pro and con columns, remember to include relationship skills such as how you interact with each other, what futures you each envision, what steps each of you takes to achieve your visions.

 

It can be difficult to gauge fit, until you think about how someone manages themselves. Their judgment, how they deal with confrontation, whether they are able and desirous of learning (and about what?), that sort of thing.

 

Her path seems to diverge from you, and she seems z victim of her own choices which is why her messages are mixed. She misses you and is leaving, for example.

 

I doubt there is a future here.

 

I am reminded of my divorce. Ex was living with his Next before we separated, even, yet when the legal process was done, he was overcome with sadness and self recrimination. It was as if he had no idea the divorce would happen. I see now he was mourning his dreams, suddenly seeing them decimated. His actions seemed unrelated, something that happens to him even as he did it himself.

 

Your gf seems to want to sabotage her independence. Or cure some childhood wound. Who knows.

 

Its clear it doesn't work for you. Wait to prove it out, or end it now(ish). Its just a question of timing.

 

Sorry. Next time, wait a year + before investing yourself this way. Cohabitation is disruptive to one's single life. Respect your stability and also respect the power of someone else to undermine it. Go slow.

[UnsureGuy]

Agree it sounds chaotic with the father's house, both your kids, both your exes and the over an hour commute. When you two were friends before getting involved, was her life this chaotic?

 

I don't believe it was chaotic. I do know that her last BF displayed n.p.d. traits and would treat her like an object, and would leave her at home when he went to do other things. We would commiserate over our relationship woes without crossing lines during the last couple of years.

 

The commute between me amd her dad's is about 15 minutes. Her old place is 1.5 hours away.

 

As you sort this, it may help to make lists. In the pro and con columns, remember to include relationship skills such as how you interact with each other, what futures you each envision, what steps each of you takes to achieve your visions.

 

It can be difficult to gauge fit, until you think about how someone manages themselves. Their judgment, how they deal with confrontation, whether they are able and desirous of learning (and about what?), that sort of thing.

 

Her path seems to diverge from you, and she seems z victim of her own choices which is why her messages are mixed. She misses you and is leaving, for example.

 

I doubt there is a future here.

 

I am reminded of my divorce. Ex was living with his Next before we separated, even, yet when the legal process was done, he was overcome with sadness and self recrimination. It was as if he had no idea the divorce would happen. I see now he was mourning his dreams, suddenly seeing them decimated. His actions seemed unrelated, something that happens to him even as he did it himself.

 

Your gf seems to want to sabotage her independence. Or cure some childhood wound. Who knows.

 

Its clear it doesn't work for you. Wait to prove it out, or end it now(ish). Its just a question of timing.

 

Sorry. Next time, wait a year + before investing yourself this way. Cohabitation is disruptive to one's single life. Respect your stability and also respect the power of someone else to undermine it. Go slow.

 

I have been making lists in my head. She was supposed to be home hours ago, but is not. She keeps texting me things to keep me interested and invested.

 

She knows what I want amd what I need, amd knows I am willing to sacrifice some of that of we can meet in the middle. I think she is used to men rowing the line as ling as she is physical with them. However, I am a Cancerian and require more than sex amd physical contact to keep a relatuonship going.

 

I require that my partner shares my ideals, is interested in my passions, and supports my missions and goals, especially due to my disability and age (40's.) When she is here, I can't work on these things because she wants all of me (yet wants to move out.) She basically os not making any sense at all.

 

I am beginning to think that being alone with my sons well into the indefinite future is going to be the best plan. This situation has me feeling so angry and depressed, that I will have to put on an act in order to seem happy.

 

Without her resources to match mine, things will be tough. However, mt mother is going to co-sign for me, I am eliminating my debt, and selling many of my possessions to raise capital and not have to move too much.

 

I think I need to just start over.