GF moving out but staying together

[boltnrun]

Her "resources"?

 

This is sounding more and more concerning.

[UnsureGuy]

Her "resources"?

 

This is sounding more and more concerning.

 

Why is that concerning?

 

I simply mean each of our contributions to the bills and household. We moved in together and created a family life, each bringing various things to the table. We were planning on combining our resources to purchase the house we are currently in, or another one nearby.

 

Like I said, plans were made.

[UnsureGuy]

She came home earlier this evening, and has been very intimate and clingy. She has been apologizing for letting me down and hurting me, and saying she will try harder.

 

She seems to still be moving out, however. I said, "You text me that you miss me and that you are sad when we are apart, yet you are moving out and won't compromise with me on anything. I don't understand. I am preparing to face adversity alone, and I have been feeling alone a lot, lately."

 

She apologized and hugged me for a few minutes. We then cooked dinner together while I washed dishes, amd we handled matters with all of our children - together.

 

She is kissing me and telling me she loves me every five minutes, amd telling me that I am handsome. She wants us to go out on a date tomorrow night.

 

None of this makes sense.

[boltnrun]

But did she say she is willing to consider your compromise?

 

Or did she dodge the question and distract you with cuddles and kisses and compliments?

[katrina1980]

 

She is kissing me and telling me she loves me every five minutes, amd telling me that I am handsome. She wants us to go out on a date tomorrow night.

 

 

But did she say she is willing to consider your compromise?

 

Or did she dodge the question and distract you with cuddles and kisses and compliments?

 

She's feeling guilty about something, I am sure of it. Similar to a man cheating and suddenly bringing flowers and gifts home to the wife/girlfriend.

 

It's overkill, and yeah it reflects some sort of guilt.

 

What that guilt is, is anyone's guess, it could be another man, who knows, it doesn't matter but I wouldn't trust it.

 

After only three months, I'd be saying buh bye to this one OP.

[journeynow]

How did her kids take the move, moving in with you and yours, and changing schools? Maybe you've discussed this already and I've overlooked it, but my first thought was about her kids. Perhaps for her, there is more a need for the old familiarity of her father's place, their grandfather's. Is it closer to her friends and her support system as well?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like she's fading and on her way out. It sounds as though she would rather use 'her resources' for herself and her kids and family, as well as save while living at her father's. She's leaving because she can not meet your financial and emotional demands.

 

It makes perfect sense. She wants to date, not jump in and help you financially or take care of you and your kids. She has herself, her kids and her own family to worry about.

 

Can you get your family to help out more including financially and with your needs and your kids? Can your ex help you out more with the kids?

Without her resources to match mine, things will be tough. However, my mother is going to co-sign for me.I am preparing to face adversity alone. She wants us to go out on a date tomorrow night.None of this makes sense.

[UnsureGuy]

She lays it on thick A LOT. It Is how it has been from the beginning. She has always been intimate with me in the way she has been, though maybe a tad more since I began pulling away because of being upset and depressed. She keeps indicating that she doesn't want to lose me. I have mentioned my concern that if she can't compromise with me on this, then she holds all of the cards, and I would have to worry about her not compromising on future things. She has admitted that she likes things to be her way, and I said that that isn't going to work for me.

 

I will be fine without her, it will be tougher, is all, and a readjustment from the original plan.

 

I know three months sounds soon, though we have three years of mutual attraction and friendship, with a lot of compatibility.

 

She is being vague on the compromise and the move out date. I will need her to give a little, or I am letting her go. We are going out tonight. I guess I will see how things go and enjoy it while it lasts. I am openly working on things from the standpoint that she will not be included, because due to decisions that were made, I have a time limit to leave my current house.

[Wiseman2]

The "original plan" of having her help you with finances, your disability, your kids and your life sounds like too much for anyone with kids themselves as well as aging parents, etc.

 

You'll have to learn to live independently and get help from family, disability, social services, etc. rather than dating for financial relief and care taking practicalities...pushing and shoving someone with ultimatums if they don't move in and pay for half of your living expenses.. After 12 Weeks of dating!!

 

Her moving in to assist you financially and with your kids and everyday needs is not "a compromise", it's a hardship for her that she doesn't need given her own family, kids and problems.

I will be fine without her, it will be tougher, is all, and a readjustment from the original plan.

[UnsureGuy]

The "original plan" of having her help you with finances, your disability, your kids and your life sounds like too much for anyone with kids themselves as well as aging parents, etc.

 

You'll have to learn to live independently and get help from family, disability, social services, etc. rather than dating for financial relief and care taking practicalities...pushing and shoving someone with ultimatums if they don't move in and pay for half of your living expenses.. After 12 Weeks of dating!!

 

Her moving in to assist you financially and with your kids and everyday needs is not "a compromise", it's a hardship for her that she doesn't need given her own family, kids and problems.

 

You misunderstand. Those were not the reasons she moved in. She moved in on her own accord under a different situation. Things were altered an plans.were made.

 

The compromise has nothing to do with her ability to help me, it is so that we see each other more than we will under her new plan.

 

I have been working on my plans without her since before I started posting.

[katrina1980]

I'm confused. Did not your compromise include her still living with you? And by living with you, of course she helps you with your "resources."

 

So on one hand you say the "compromise" is so you can spend more time together and build your RL (yah she's living with you of course you wil spend more time together that's a given) but on the other hand you say if she does not compromise, you will lose your "resources" which will be a hardship.

 

If you were financially stable and did not need her resources, would you feel differently? More open to her living with dad while he struggles with his memory loss no matter how minimal that loss is at this time?

 

He's only 15 minutes away, why is it you can only see her four times a month?

 

It's a 15 minute drive!

 

You say if she does not compromise, it will be a hardship for you.. Financially and because of the drive, a mere 15 minutes. Boo hoo, poor you (sorry).

 

Your motivations sound 100% self-focused, whether you consciously realize that or not. This is NOT what love is about OP not even close.

 

Yeah just end it and let her find a man who truly loves her, who doesn't need her "resources" and for whom a mere 15 drive isn't such a "hardship."

 

It doesn't matter if you've been friends for three years, this RL is only three months old, WAY too soon for all this pressure and intensity, and moving forward, I would suggest you learn how to become flexible and open otherwise you will struggle in all your subsequent relationships.

 

Best of luck.

[boltnrun]

Maybe she's trying to see if you love her for her rather than for her help and "resources".

By removing said help and resources, maybe she's trying to see if you stick around or dump her for "refusing" to "compromise".

[UnsureGuy]

The original plan was to build a future together. When I asked for the compromise, I asked her to split her time so that we could keep building our relationship. The presence or lack of resources has nothing to do with it. I only mentioned it to describe my situation. If I recall, I said things will be tight but can be done without her. One of the points is that with things being tighter, it may be more difficult to do the extra travelling required to ma8ntain a relationship with my GF.

 

We had already began combining our lives, buying things for our house, and including each other in school meetings with regards to each of our kids. Budgets were made. She abruptly decided to move into her dad's. If me being upset about all of that makes me selfish, then so be it.

 

Anyhow, with the compromise, I did not ask her continue to contribute. I told her that I will be struggling on my side of things while having to do all of the work for the relationship. I simply wanted her to agree to spend more time with me at the new house and find a way to work towards some of our goals, rather than make a bunch of promises, go nack on them, yet want me in a relationship of her own design.

 

I have a special needs son who has nursing in house, and I cannot easily travel with him, and her dad cannot get internet at his location, and I need it for school, the business, and for the other financial projects. That leaves seeing her at her dad's as I can. She can't drive. There are various other factors. We had to jump through hoops to see each other during the summer, and now our kids are in school and will be in separate towns.

[Wiseman2]

You seem very incompatible.

Budgets were made. She abruptly decided to move into her dad's.

[UnsureGuy]

Maybe she's trying to see if you love her for her rather than for her help and "resources".

By removing said help and resources, maybe she's trying to see if you stick around or dump her for "refusing" to "compromise".

 

She hasn't contributed to any bills this far. This was all about our plans that we made TOGETHER.

 

Maybe she is testing me on the compromise. Well, I won't be in a relationship where I can't trust the word of my significant other, worry that she will bail on plans, that she will be unreliable, or that everything must be her way.

 

I do love her. I just don't need a relationship where my significant other won't meet me in the middle on major issues.

[DancingFool]

You may have known each other for years, but the dating part was only three months and all those plans sound like way too much too soon. I feel overwhelmed just reading about it all. It doesn't matter if she was the one pushing things along or you were or both. It's the kind of a blistering pace forward that's rarely sustainable. I can't tell you if she is trying to fade out or if she herself got overwhelmed, has issues of her own to deal with and is taking a breather, pumping the brakes and trying to slow things down a bit and get her feet under her. Only she knows the truth. You really have only two options here - let things calm down and see what the future looks like and then decide whether it's working for you or not, or knee jerk and end things right now. It's your call really.

[katrina1980]

 

If me being upset about all of that makes me selfish, then so be it.

 

 

No, your being upset does not make you selfish.

 

What makes you selfish is having such high expectations and rigid demands after only three months.

 

You're not even trying to understand that it may and probably is WAY too soon for her to feel comfortable with such plans and goals. I realize you discussed and she agreed, however it's quite clear after thinking more about she is not comfortable with it.

 

Nor would I, nor would most people, it's just WAY too soon for all that!

 

Her mistake is not being honest with you about that. She should just tell you she is not comfortable with such a fast pace and rush into such plans and goals after only a few months.

 

She is needing a breather, you sound intense OP no disrespect. Unbending, rigid. She senses it and while all over you physically, doesn't incline her to want to agree to your "compromise" as you have presented it.

 

In short, she is not ready to live with you, and combine resources, it's way too soon.

 

You say she wants things *her* way, please look in the mirror, you do as well.

 

Not sure what your being a "Cancerian" has to do with this. I am also a Cancer and don't share these traits. To the contrary, I am flexible and open to changing nuances, and to reiterate what I posted earlier, it would serve you well to strive to become same. Imo.

 

In any event, as it stands now, w/r/t your basic natures, temperaments and personalities, you are about as incompatible as two people could be.

 

Common interests and great sex are fabulous! But not enough to sustain long term. Flexibility, understanding, and a more open-minded attitude might, assuming the love is there.

[katrina1980]

To add -- on her side, I get she doesn't drive but there is something called public transport (uber, bus) that she could utilize to visit you. Again, it's only 15 minutes.

 

There is no reason why you should be doing all the driving; she sounds unbending too if she is unwilling to even consider.

 

There may be more going on here that she's not sharing OP, another guy closer to her dad she wants to explore, while still holding on to you for emotional security, who knows.

 

It's all speculation but in any event, none of it sounds good or positive.

[UnsureGuy]

I would be more understanding if this wasn't abrupt after she went out if her way to make me feel secure in our relationship and made promises. I would be more understanding if she was more open and honest and didn't delay talking about things.

 

When I say Cancerian, I mean that as a man, I require more than physical contact to feel loved and secure, being that I also require a bit more intellectual and emotional support in a relationship. She is doing everything she can to wear me down to acceptance of her choice and to stay committed to her version of the relationship.

 

I do feel that there is something else at stake, though I am not sure that it is another man. She knows I will bail if I ever find out that that is the case. It just seems like there is something she isn't telling me.

 

The best thing is to simply step back. I am going to be busy securing a new residence and moving in, while her "sick" dad is going to help her move into his place. Her "sick" dad will be helping her get her kids ready for school, taking her grocery shopping, and taking time off of work to take her and her kids to appointments. This is why I question the "my dsd is sick" story, because that is exactly what is going to happen. Things are going to get very chaotic and stressful there, and I am going to have my own chaos to deal with; moving on my own during the winter with chronic pain and other issues.

[katrina1980]

Requiring more than physical contact to feel loved and secure, hmm not sure if Cancerian men have the market cornered on that -- my bf is a Scorpio and requires, expects same. So did my ex who is an Aries, a very demanding Aries.

 

Anyway, that's neither here nor there.

 

I've said my piece, I wish you best I hope you can work it out.

 

And I'm sorry about your chronic pain and disability, that's hard.

 

Take care and again good luck.

[UnsureGuy]

I should add that she is going to expect me to drop what I am doing, often, and drive to her and stay with her.

 

Breaking away from doing my own thing can be difficult. I mentioned to her, half jokingly, that she doesn't like it "when I do stuff." She acknowledged that she can be like that.

[UnsureGuy]

I sold a jewelry armoire the other day. Today, my GF asked if her grandmother's ring was inside of it, as she doesn't know where I placed it. I told her no and that it is safe. I asked hee if she wanted it back, and she said no.

 

I still feel like I am in limbo. Communication goes nowhere. Those who know us and what they had observed and heard about things promised have said, at least to me, that it doesn't seem fair to me.

 

She is still intimate and hasn't broke things off. When asked what she envisioned our relationship to be, she said that we would try to see each other as we can and figure things out as they unfolded.

 

She os already moving out (hasn't given me a date,) so it is what it is. It hurts and it bothers her to see me hurt. I am not going to end things right now, though it is hard to be positive right now. It would be better if she was communicating with me more and didn't have a take it or leave it attitude. I guess I will see how it goes.

[UnsureGuy]

I talked with her again today. I explained that I have nothing personal against her due to her decision, and admitted to her that after all that has been said amd done prior to her 180, abandonment issues from emotional PTSD as a result of past betrayals have been triggered.

 

Another thing I failed to mention here is that she has a lowered life expectancy. I love her more than I have ever loved, and not only to I feel like we are going backwards, I feel I am losing time with her that we will never get back.

 

I said that one of the reasons I am having trouble with this is because I feel that there is a lack of communication from her about this and some other issues. I also said that some assurances would also be helpful.

 

She is continuing to be as intimate as she has been, and tells me that she loves me often. I know that there are challenges ahead. As time progresses and I work on my future, I will see if we are still on the same page. I have no desire to rush into a new relationship, so there is nothing to lose besides this relationship.

 

I am trying to look at the positives. She will still be in my life to some extant, and I will not mope during pur off time. I will use that time to hang out with my friends, work on my social life, and focus on my kids and my creative projects which if successful, will spell the end of many of my woes.