Partner's sister is a nightmare

[Andrina]

Maybe read a book on relationship boundaries together, or even better, go to couples counseling. Maybe a professional can give him pointers on how to set boundaries with his sister. If the problem doesn't totally go away, at least maybe it could be lessened. I'm guessing this might've affected his past romantic relationships as well.

 

I feel for your frustration. I know of so many families who have bad things happening with estrangement and ongoing arguments. My grown daughters have never accepted my second husband and it's now gotten to the point where I don't think I can have family gatherings at my house anymore, and I will have to see them without him. In my case, I know them well enough to know counseling wouldn't help.

 

I hope things improve for you. Take care.

[Hollyj]

How does the rest of the family deal with her?

[Batya33]

I am only chiming in to lend support - I hate reading about how you are being treated and this situation. And I agree with all the advice about how it's time, unfortunately, to remove yourself from interacting with her other than obligatory pleasantries if you have to see her in person. Luckily at this point she is not an Aunt to your kids, etc. I really do get how you want to have a close relationship with your partner's immediate family -I can relate FWIW. And I also agree with the others that it's not gonna happen here. I do not think it's ok for her to be disrespectful to you or rude -and your boyfriend should step up and have your back if she does that in his presence. My mother -who is well-liked by everyone and loved by many -she's just super and I'm only a little biased -has had a similar situation to you in our family since the 1950s. It's so hard. And so unfair. And others have had very similar issues with the person causing all the drama. At best it's often eggshells.

 

Anyway -I really just wanted to say I am so sorry and I hope venting helps.

[tattoobunnie]

Don't enable this histrionic person. No matter how awesome and kind and loving you are, she will find a way to turn it around. So don't waste your energy, and just keep in mind she has screws loose! Just go about your day. No presents, texts, just do whatever, and talk to other people if it's a holiday gathering or what-not.

[charity]

I don't mean to be unsupportive here Sherry but all I'm seeing is that your boyfriend's sister is not very friendly towards you and can be a pain in the butt with her brother. I'm not sure why you're so upset about that? If my boyfriend ever sent my brother a gift I would see that as trying too hard. Maybe she thinks you are trying too hard?

 

Also, you say you didn't do anything to her but you did do something. You called her out on a lie. That was embarrassing for her I guess. I'm not saying that you were wrong to do so, that's your way but clearly she's not going to be your biggest fan after that.

[SherrySher]

I would see that as trying too hard

 

Nah. She didn't even know I had mentioned getting a gift. How it came about was his mother asked if I minded her getting me something for christmas, which I thought was very sweet.

We agreed to exchange small gifts. Of course his sister came into mind as I didn't want to be leaving people out. But bf said to me that it would be a waste of time as she won't be grateful and will criticize anything I get, so to not bother.

It put a bit of a damper on things as christmas should be nice, but so be it.

 

As for the lie, yes, I agree it no doubt made her feel a fool. Though it was such a blatant, obvious lie I felt the need to point it out. We had only met the one time and to be honest it really surprised me how a complete stranger would feel the need to start off by lying to someone.

Apparently this isn't a unusual for her though.

What was unusual was someone calling her on it. I don't regret it either. I was not angry when I spoke to her about it, I merely asked why.

I also let it go and told her so.

It didn't matter, her rage went on for six months.

That's her issues.

I have done what I can to remedy this situation, but like others have said, it's best to just come to terms with it and stay out of her way.

[catfeeder]

As for the lie, yes, I agree it no doubt made her feel a fool. Though it was such a blatant, obvious lie I felt the need to point it out...

 

Why? If it was so obvious to all concerned, why would you feel a 'need' to appoint yourself the 'pointer' and the fool maker of someone who you don't even know, but who is important to your partner?

 

That pretty much sealed any potential you may have had with Ms. Grisly. BUT! Since she's not your cup o' tea anyway, I'd just write her off as no big loss and put your eyes back on your own paper.

 

Be kind when you see her, but position yourself to see less of her. Quit trying to ingratiate yourself with her, because THAT is what's causing your stomach bile. Make a better choice for yourself and let it go.

 

Head high, you can do this.

[abitbroken]

Nah. She didn't even know I had mentioned getting a gift. How it came about was his mother asked if I minded her getting me something for christmas, which I thought was very sweet.

We agreed to exchange small gifts. Of course his sister came into mind as I didn't want to be leaving people out. But bf said to me that it would be a waste of time as she won't be grateful and will criticize anything I get, so to not bother.

It put a bit of a damper on things as christmas should be nice, but so be it.

 

As for the lie, yes, I agree it no doubt made her feel a fool. Though it was such a blatant, obvious lie I felt the need to point it out. We had only met the one time and to be honest it really surprised me how a complete stranger would feel the need to start off by lying to someone.

Apparently this isn't a unusual for her though.

What was unusual was someone calling her on it. I don't regret it either. I was not angry when I spoke to her about it, I merely asked why.

I also let it go and told her so.

It didn't matter, her rage went on for six months.

That's her issues.

I have done what I can to remedy this situation, but like others have said, it's best to just come to terms with it and stay out of her way.

 

Your bf is keeping the drama up if he tells you to skip his sister because she won't appreciate it. if the adults are exchanging gifts for some reason, then get something small for everybody and don't leave her out. I am sure you can figure out something she would appreciate. And if she doesn't? who cares. Don't keep score if she doesn't say thank you.

[SherrySher]

I think he meant it more like a warning, not that I couldn't do so. I think it was more or less him trying to say that if I did get something, don't be upset by her reaction.

 

But yes, you're right, if I do get something, I won't expect much. To be honest though, I have decided to just get a nice card and leave it be.

 

How much you wanna bet though that she still finds fault and calls me a cheapskate or that I left her out? lol

I'm serious, there is no "winning" with this woman.

[abitbroken]

I think he meant it more like a warning, not that I couldn't do so. I think it was more or less him trying to say that if I did get something, don't be upset by her reaction.

 

But yes, you're right, if I do get something, I won't expect much. To be honest though, I have decided to just get a nice card and leave it be.

 

How much you wanna bet though that she still finds fault and calls me a cheapskate or that I left her out? lol

I'm serious, there is no "winning" with this woman.

 

I would *not* leave her out. if you buy gifts for everyone, do not simply get her a card. You should not care about he reaction, so as long as you are treating her equally and not snubbing her. If you get her something - who cares if she doesn't appreciate it or calls you a cheapskate. But excluding her makes a statement and stirs the pot.

[SherrySher]

You're probably right. Most likely a box of chocolates. Who doesn't like chocolate?

[Starlight925]

You're probably right. Most likely a box of chocolates. Who doesn't like chocolate?

 

Her. She doesn't like chocolate. At least, she won't like the chocolates you buy her.

 

She'll prefer milk, over the dark you bought. Or white, over the dark you bought. Or cream-filled, over the raspberry-filled you bought. Or See's, over the Godiva you bought.

 

It will not be good enough.

 

But I agree, you should still just do it. A card and a nice box of chocolates.....and be done.

[abitbroken]

Her. She doesn't like chocolate. At least, she won't like the chocolates you buy her.

 

She'll prefer milk, over the dark you bought. Or white, over the dark you bought. Or cream-filled, over the raspberry-filled you bought. Or See's, over the Godiva you bought.

 

It will not be good enough.

 

But I agree, you should still just do it. A card and a nice box of chocolates.....and be done.

 

Ask their mother for a suggestion.

[SherrySher]

Lol, LHgirl...I think you're starting to understand my situation..

 

And yes, I will ask the mom.

[Starlight925]

Ask their mother for a suggestion.

 

I was being sarcastic.

 

I wouldn't ask anyone. A gift is something you give because you want to. No one should need to be polled to make sure her little world doesn't come crashing down because she receives the "wrong" gift.

 

I think a card and a box of chocolates is a perfect gift for her.

 

If she complains, so be it. You are still the nice, high-road person here.

[abitbroken]

I was being sarcastic.

 

I wouldn't ask anyone. A gift is something you give because you want to. No one should need to be polled to make sure her little world doesn't come crashing down because she receives the "wrong" gift.

 

I think a card and a box of chocolates is a perfect gift for her.

 

If she complains, so be it. You are still the nice, high-road person here.

 

I know -- but i still would ask the mother. I am not one for polls - but when there is someone i am not close enough to, i ask.

[Starlight925]

I know -- but i still would ask the mother. I am not one for polls - but when there is someone i am not close enough to, i ask.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree.

 

It's setting a precedent. The next time a gift-giving event comes up, SherrySher will be expected to ask the mother, or the sister will pitch a fit.

 

Sher, do whatever you think is best. Just know that I completely get the difficulty this puts you in.

[SherrySher]

Thank you to you both. But yes, this is why my mind has been in a muddle with how to deal with this person.

 

I swear to god, it won't matter what I do...I'll still be in the wrong. But thanks for the advice and understanding, it really has helped.