Dinner “date” with ex

[boltnrun]

From your previous post:

 

"I guess if I’m being honest I haven’t asked him not to contact me because deep down I want him too. I think I need to ask him to leave me alone though - it’s the most sensible and healthy thing to do for myself now."

 

So why did you change your mind? Because you saw him at some event?

[SGH]

It's easy for us to be rational about it but I think the OP is a bit like me in that she needs things to go really south before she can comfortably walk away. I used to forgive all my exes, made excuses until the cows came home. It was almost like I had to push it until it was glaringly obvious that the situation was doomed. And then it was much easier to move on from there. So yeah, I can understand wanting to go for dinner as you're not over him. I hope you get an answer either way!

 

The problem with accepting this mentality is that it drains a person of precious time, energy, and dignity. You shouldn't have to get to the point where you can barely look at yourself in a mirror before you move on. Plus, her previous posts have revealed that the situation has indeed hit rock bottom. There is zero indication that her ex has any positive intent through contacting her, and even if he did, his previous actions were too damaging for a healthy relationship to be possible.

 

EnglishRose, you need to realize that you deserve to be with someone who is sure about you and wants what you want. The two of you were incompatible - that's why the relationship ended. Stop being a doormat for your ex and a comfort while he searches for his next partner. Cancel the date and work on moving forward before he starts showing off the next woman.

[Hollyj]

Rose, how old are you?

[catfeeder]

Stop being a doormat for your ex and a comfort while he searches for his next partner. Cancel the date and work on moving forward before he starts showing off the next woman.

 

If your 'curiosity' is actually hope that this meeting, unlike the last two that ended in feeling used for sex, will somehow conjure a happily-ever-after reconciliation with the guy, then why not just phone him and say, "I've thought about how our last two meetings ended, and I don't think we should see one another again unless you're planning to ask me for a new committed start to our relationship."

 

This opens the door for you to find out if that's what ex wants without putting yourself on the table (so to speak) to be used again. Then you won't stress over missing an opportunity if the guy tells you he just wanted to catch up.

 

If you won't 'screen' his intentions, then at very least tell him you'll meet him at the restaurant instead of letting him pick you up. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up to feel used for sex again.

 

Head high, and respect yourself.

[EnglishRose9]

If your 'curiosity' is actually hope that this meeting, unlike the last two that ended in feeling used for sex, will somehow conjure a happily-ever-after reconciliation with the guy, then why not just phone him and say, "I've thought about how our last two meetings ended, and I don't think we should see one another again unless you're planning to ask me for a new committed start to our relationship."

 

This opens the door for you to find out if that's what ex wants without putting yourself on the table (so to speak) to be used again. Then you won't stress over missing an opportunity if the guy tells you he just wanted to catch up.

 

If you won't 'screen' his intentions, then at very least tell him you'll meet him at the restaurant instead of letting him pick you up. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up to feel used for sex again.

 

Head high, and respect yourself.

 

This is sort of what I was planning to do. Go along to the “date” and see how to goes, then I was going to speak about intentions/whether he wants to try again and if not we need to walk away from each other properly.

[EnglishRose9]

I’ve agreed to him picking me up because I don’t really think it matters. Why does that make a difference?

[Honeycomb8]

Why can't u just call and ask?

 

Having him pick u up is suggesting something. Have some self respect-if you don't respect yourself, how do you expect him to?

[catfeeder]

I’ve agreed to him picking me up because I don’t really think it matters. Why does that make a difference?

 

Because you suspect that he's setting you up for sex, and meeting there allows you to leave on your own without getting in the car with him to make out and go back to his place for sex.

 

Better yet, you can just call him to learn his intentions rather than meet up with him.

[Wiseman2]

He knows exactly what he wants. The trust funds from the folks in exchange for dating childless "marriageable" women his own age and in his socioeconomic bracket. And sadly someone he can treat as a secret back alley woman for sex. Don't be that for him.

Sounds like he doesn’t know what he wants.

He doesn’t live with his parents, he has his own place but they did help him buy it. Age difference is 8 years

[Hollyj]

Why don't you ask him over the phone about his intentions?

 

Rose you know damn well that he has no desire to take this forward and only wants sex.

 

How old are you?

[boltnrun]

I think you know how this is going to end up.

 

I suspect you'll be back on here afterwards lamenting how you couldn't control yourself around him and you slept with him again.

 

FYI, having commitment free sex with your ex doesn't make him want to reconcile.

[MissCanuck]

Meet him at the restaurant. Drive yourself there and back. If you insist on going ahead with this, you need to put a boundary somewhere.

 

And then on the way, drive to the grocery store and pick up a jumbo box of tissues and some Ben & Jerry's. You'll need them for the drive home.

[Hollyj]

I think you know how this is going to end up.

 

I suspect you'll be back on here afterwards lamenting how you couldn't control yourself around him and you slept with him again.

 

FYI, having commitment free sex with your ex doesn't make him want to reconcile.

 

We all know how this will go: she will sleep with him, and will then be upset at how he used her for sex. Just like the last two times.

[EnglishRose9]

I’ve told him I will meet him there now. He wouldn’t try and force me into anything so I don’t see why it matters whether I drive or not but I’m taking what people have said on board.

 

I have zero intention of sleeping with him. I’ve learnt my lesson on that one and I know I can control myself so I’m not worried about falling into bed with him

[EnglishRose9]

Why don't you ask him over the phone about his intentions?

 

Rose you know damn well that he has no desire to take this forward and only wants sex.

 

How old are you?

 

I’m 32 - why? Yes, I should know better

[Hollyj]

I’m 32 - why? Yes, I should know better

 

So, this guy is 24. I was trying to understand why he was behaving like a man child, it's because he is a kid.

[Wiseman2]

And he is 24 y/o trust-fund boy? Surely you realize a few fancy dinners or sex doesn't mean there is a future, right? He keeps you in a certain category and it isn't being part of his future. He will eventually meet a young woman his parents approve of and who will be in his future.

I’m 32

[Hollyj]

I’ve told him I will meet him there now. He wouldn’t try and force me into anything so I don’t see why it matters whether I drive or not but I’m taking what people have said on board.

 

I have zero intention of sleeping with him. I’ve learnt my lesson on that one and I know I can control myself so I’m not worried about falling into bed with him

 

Good.

 

I am curious as to what you want from this dinner?

[EnglishRose9]

And he is 24 y/o trust-fund boy? Surely you realize a few fancy dinners or sex doesn't mean there is a future, right? He keeps you in a certain category and it isn't being part of his future. He will eventually meet a young woman his parents approve of and who will be in his future.

 

I do realise and he won’t be getting sex from me again

[EnglishRose9]

Good.

 

I am curious as to what you want from this dinner?

 

I’m intrigued as to his intentions I guess and I’ll admit I do still have a small amount of hope and I know that’s stupid.

 

This is the first time he has tried to have a “date” with me since the break up. Now whether that’s because I went NC I don’t know but time will tell. Originally he asked me for a drink and it escalated to dinner plans.

[Hollyj]

What id he wants to casually date? What about the parents?

[EnglishRose9]

What id he wants to casually date? What about the parents?

 

I’m not happy with casual. I’m open to a discussion about getting back together (with changes) but not casual. His parents are not my problem to sort.

[Hollyj]

But, the parents dictate his life, so they are your problem.

[Chris12189]

English, before you go on this date, make a two column table with the headers being "positive" and "negative". In the positive column write down all the positives that could happen because this meeting and in the negative write down all the negatives. Be 100% honest. Then look at it as a whole and see which column outweighs the other. That will give you the answer you seek.

[Hollyj]

This guy is kid, and you want him to settle down to something serious.