Do you think there's a chance we could get back together?

[boltnrun]

Haha, boltnrun will not let it get by when you slip back into fantasy land!

 

Reread some of the recent responses from everyone next time you're tempted to excuse her bad behavior because she's "afraid" or "stressed".

 

And one more tip...I presume your friends care about you. If most (if not all) of them are trying to tell you something, you might want to listen.

[jeremiahsain]

Haha, boltnrun will not let it get by when you slip back into fantasy land!

 

Reread some of the recent responses from everyone next time you're tempted to excuse her bad behavior because she's "afraid" or "stressed".

 

And one more tip...I presume your friends care about you. If most (if not all) of them are trying to tell you something, you might want to listen.

 

 

Honestly I knew my friends were right, but it was like a drug. First time we broke up I had a few days of just being utterly miserable, barely sleeping or eating, and then she messaged me and I ran back to get my fix basically. Friends couldn't believe it and I felt so pathetic and knew what she had done was disgusting, but felt I had no choice.

 

Some of the stuff she wrote to her ex was just so wrong, I can't believe I ever tried to justify it. Just shows you how irrational people can get.

[boltnrun]

Do you have any idea why you felt you just could not live without someone who treated you so badly?

[jeremiahsain]

Do you have any idea why you felt you just could not live without someone who treated you so badly?

 

Not really. I guess she was my first 'love' or proper long-term relationship with somebody, and I was scared of being alone and had grown so used to life with her. We spent pretty much every day together at all times etc, so I'd grown used to that and the idea of being alone terrified me. I remember just being panicked because it was very much out of the blue at the time, whereas when she broke up the second time whilst I was still scared, I remained calm and accepted it.

 

The first time I just really had no idea how much of a bad person she was, when she behaved in that way I was shocked and I tried to convince myself it was just because of the depression and wasn't how she really felt. Obviously I was lying to myself though, she was having doubts then and obviously those doubts continued to be an issue up till now.

[ninjabib]

Jeremiah i told you she would use your mutual friends as my ex has done with me. WHatever she feels is down to her making that choice. If she feels sad/stressed/fedup whatever it is not your problem anymore.

 

The other day you sounded like you were heading in the right direction, a few meaningless nice words from her and shes pulling you back in.

 

To get rid of my manipulative ex i told any friend that if she asks them to ask me to contact her DO NOT BOTHER. There is nothing left to say to each other. It took her using 2/3 different people but ive not heard from her in a month now so i suggest yu do the same or she wont go away, trust me.

 

I can see where you are coming from not wanting to think you dated a bad prrson for 2 years, i was with mine for 5 and she didnt show this side of her personality till the very end. I felt gutted about wasting 5 years but it passes in time. When someone shows their true colours you'd be foolish to ignore them.

[jeremiahsain]

Jeremiah i told you she would use your mutual friends as my ex has done with me. WHatever she feels is down to her making that choice. If she feels sad/stressed/fedup whatever it is not your problem anymore.

 

The other day you sounded like you were heading in the right direction, a few meaningless nice words from her and shes pulling you back in.

 

To get rid of my manipulative ex i told any friend that if she asks them to ask me to contact her DO NOT BOTHER. There is nothing left to say to each other. It took her using 2/3 different people but ive not heard from her in a month now so i suggest yu do the same or she wont go away, trust me.

 

I can see where you are coming from not wanting to think you dated a bad prrson for 2 years, i was with mine for 5 and she didnt show this side of her personality till the very end. I felt gutted about wasting 5 years but it passes in time. When someone shows their true colours you'd be foolish to ignore them.

 

Yeah I know, I have told her that I am not interested in being friends and said not to contact me so I can move on. Mutuals have agreed they won't help her contact me. That really should be that as she seemed to respect that wish, whilst she wants to be friends she did say she 'understands' my position. Trust me, I'm not being pulled back in, whilst I don't like seeing her as a horrible person (purely because of spending so long together and the fact I remember all the 'good' moments) I know she wasn't good for me and I'm not interested in her trying to have me in the friendzone.

 

She broke up with me, and honestly whilst I think she wants me there as a friend and as someone who can comfort her, I don't think she will press it any longer. She's having the same ol' struggles in her everyday life, but I honestly don't think the breakup has hit her at all, so I don't expect to hear from her now I've shut down the friend idea. I think she'll probably just wallow for a while and talk to friends, think she wanted me there as a convenient someone she could talk to, but nothing more. I don't think she'll be like your ex and try to force herself in to my life.

 

Yeah, it sucks. I keep thinking back to all the touching, romantic moments etc and thinking 'damn, was she lying the entire time?' which is a really horrible idea to face. I remember her coming across as really sweet and innocent the first 8 months or so, then I gradually saw the negative sides of her but was already in love so pretty blind to them. The waste of time thing is hitting me pretty hard, like I was there believing her when she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, was she purely just using me as someone to lean on while at Uni?

 

 

I mean, the girl was honestly telling me she wanted to marry me/couldn't see herself with anybody else five whole days before she broke up with me. 2 days before she was ultra affectionate. I just don't get what kind of person says those kind of things when they know they have serious doubts and are considering ending it, did she not think of how horrible it would feel for me? Makes me wonder how fake she was throughout..

[ninjabib]

It sucks to be in your position but she sounds like the kind of girl that won't give up as easy as you think.

 

Maybe she's always been this poor of a person maybe it's a recent thing. I felt the same and wondered the same things about mine but the truth is we will never know. It's not in this kind of person nature to be honest. They simply care about themselves that's why you have to let it go. It's just overthinking and won't help. I was exactly the same in my break up mate.

 

She may feel slightly guilty for the way she's been hence she will try and friendzone you to purely ease any guilt/shame she might feel. At best she will unload all her baggage on you. Definitely refuse to be a friend to her.

[jeremiahsain]

It sucks to be in your position but she sounds like the kind of girl that won't give up as easy as you think.

 

Maybe she's always been this poor of a person maybe it's a recent thing. I felt the same and wondered the same things about mine but the truth is we will never know. It's not in this kind of person nature to be honest. They simply care about themselves that's why you have to let it go. It's just overthinking and won't help. I was exactly the same in my break up mate.

 

She may feel slightly guilty for the way she's been hence she will try and friendzone you to purely ease any guilt/shame she might feel. At best she will unload all her baggage on you. Definitely refuse to be a friend to her.

 

 

I think you're right that she wanted to be 'friends' so she could ease the guilt for using me and have somebody to unload on, but honestly I don't think she will pursue it any further. If she is trying to ease guilt then she probably feels better for trying to be all friendly, and she obviously felt that I had lived out my usefulness when Uni ended so she has no other reason to contact me. I've told her how things are, honestly I think she wanted me around because she knew I still had some feelings and it would've been an ego boost to have me tucked up in the friendzone giving her emotional help. She has another guy who she did that too, never dated him but he obviously liked her and she used him/played with his emotions and I imagine she will use him to lean on.

 

Yeah, you're right tbh, trying to analyse why she is the way she is/whether she ever really felt anything won't really help, and I will never know. And yeah, no chance are we being friends, honestly that was just a slap in the face. Like hey, I'm totally over this and already ready to just be mates, you are too right? I mean for god sake, it had only been about two weeks after nearly 2 years in a relationship.

[ninjabib]

This kind of person breaks up with you in their head before dropping it on you.

[jeremiahsain]

This kind of person breaks up with you in their head before dropping it on you.

 

See I agree (and think she had been considering it for a while) but why say nonsense like 'I want to end up marrying you' a week before if it's the case? It's just such an odd thing to do if you're already breaking up with that person in your head.

 

I dunno if she's just a very confused individual.

[Wiseman2]

Everyone does. Most people try negotiating, rationalizing, arguing, talking, etc. at first but things don't get better or change. Then they give up and end it. Breakups are not mutual. One person is usually unhappy for quite a while then decides ending things/divorce is the only option.

This kind of person breaks up with you in their head before dropping it on you.

[jeremiahsain]

Everyone does. Most people try negotiating, rationalizing, arguing, talking, etc. at first but things don't get better or change. Then they give up and end it. Breakups are not mutual. One person is usually unhappy for quite a while then decides ending things/divorce is the only option.

 

Yeah, I don't think anyone just spontaneously ends a long term relationship, she was obviously not happy in it for a while. To be honest we had a lot of issues/incompatibilities and I think the relationship was held together by being in such close proximity at University, it's a bit of a bubble. Once we got out of that and had to be long distance I don't think it was ever going to last long.

[ninjabib]

Everyone does. Most people try negotiating, rationalizing, arguing, talking, etc. at first but things don't get better or change. Then they give up and end it. Breakups are not mutual. One person is usually unhappy for quite a while then decides ending things/divorce is the only option.

 

Agreed Wiseman but in this case the other half is actively telling him how happy she is and alluding to a future together. The issue for Jeremiah is not the break up but the lies and deceit involved which I can understand.

 

From what I can gather she showed no signs of it ending in fact only confirming the opposite which has lead to his feelings being hurt more than if she was honest.

[boltnrun]

I think she wanted to be sure to have him continue to give her attention until she no longer needed him to.

 

I do have to wonder if she had her eye on another source of attention.

[jeremiahsain]

Agreed Wiseman but in this case the other half is actively telling him how happy she is and alluding to a future together. The issue for Jeremiah is not the break up but the lies and deceit involved which I can understand.

 

From what I can gather she showed no signs of it ending in fact only confirming the opposite which has lead to his feelings being hurt more than if she was honest.

 

Pretty much this. Genuinely saying I want to marry you a week beforehand? Being ultra affectionate, demanding attention, saying I love you like 50 times in a day 3 days before she ends it? I just don't understand.

[jeremiahsain]

I think she wanted to be sure to have him continue to give her attention until she no longer needed him to.

 

I do have to wonder if she had her eye on another source of attention.

 

I think you're right about just using me for attention, but maybe she just got bored? I really don't know. I feel like she was considering breaking up for a while after Uni when I no longer became necessary as somebody who could 'look after her'.

 

I have thought about that, but I honestly don't think so. Mutual friends I spoke to after the break up have said she's just sat around her house mostly sleeping/doing her own thing, and I haven't seen any signs there's someone else involved. I honestly just think she used me, got bored and thought the relationship was more stress than it was worth, and left.

 

I think a big part of it was that towards the end I started challenging her bad behaviour. When I was at hers for a week I confronted her about the fact that she invited me to stay at hers, yet the entire time she was giving me no attention and was just sat playing games on her laptop, sleeping, I was cooking and she wasn't helping etc. She got in a really bad mood and I ended up feeling bad for having a go at her (this is how she manipulated me, whenever I was angry at her for something she would punish me and reverse it so I ended up feeling bad).

 

The night we broke up we also spoke about a few issues in the relationship, I was talking about her depression and suggested she needed to talk to somebody and make life changes that I would be there to support her with. I was basically pushing the idea she couldn't go on like this (constantly sleeping, hot and cold moods etc) and that it was having an impact on our relationship. She then went with the whole 'I think I should go back home' bombshell, suggesting she needed to be alone, that we were too different etc.

[jeremiahsain]

Jesus, I just realised that when she left she took my untouched pack of condoms back with her. They were in a draw next to her bedside table but I paid for them and they were in my house .. like who does that? Makes me think maybe she is seeing someone else or at least planning to.

 

Kinda seething about it, I know it's petty but that was £10 of my money and just taken from my house? As well as the fact she still hasn't sent the blazer despite promising to twice and when she sent that message through a mutual she also said she 'hasn't forgotten' about it (which makes it worse, because it means you're just actively not bothering to do anything about it). Been 3 weeks now.

[ninjabib]

YOu won't get the blazer back unless you play by her rules. I guarantee it.

[jeremiahsain]

YOu won't get the blazer back unless you play by her rules. I guarantee it.

 

It's so out of order. Asked her to do ONE thing since we broke up and she's had three weeks to do it. This is a girl who I did so much for when we were together, supported her through her breakdowns at Uni, have extended support since the breakup/been civil, and she can't even be bothered to mail something back to me having been reminded twice and having even had me offer to pay postage and send something for her to put it in so she has to do almost nothing. Then on top of that, I find out she took it upon herself to rob a pack of condoms I paid for from a draw in my room.

 

Honestly, I'm really close to just exploding and sending her a seriously angry text pretty much demanding she send back the blazer and the condoms as they're my bloody property. Sick of being nice/understanding to her when she can't even be bothered to get off her arse and send a package. She's good to go out with friends, go shopping etc (she told me this last week) but not do this one single favour. Her nan being ill is absolutely no excuse, she's likely been to the hospital twice and is just using it to garner sympathy.

[ninjabib]

Don't do anything like sending her an angry text, she will love the fact shes got to you. Shes just playing games. You just need to write it off and forget her. Shes toying with you. She knows you are a decent person and is taking advantage of that fact also because you are letting her.

 

Simply vanish from her life.

[jeremiahsain]

Don't do anything like sending her an angry text, she will love the fact shes got to you. Shes just playing games. You just need to write it off and forget her. Shes toying with you. She knows you are a decent person and is taking advantage of that fact also because you are letting her.

 

Simply vanish from her life.

 

 

It's so damn hard to do that though, like I just want my stuff back .

 

I honestly don't even think she's playing games, she's just being her standard lazy, selfish self who can't be bothered to do anything for anybody else, or off her own back. She wanted to feel good about herself so sent the messages telling me 'I haven't forgotten about the blazer!!!' but really she has zero intention of actually getting up and doing it, because it doesn't benefit her. I don't even think she would send the blazer back if I had agreed to be friends with her, she would've just kept sending breadcrumbs knowing that I wouldn't press it because I'm too damn eager to be civil about it.

 

I don't know if getting a bit aggressive with her and stopping being so understanding might make her actually do something about it. Probably not..

[boltnrun]

Look, you know she'll just start whining about her nan and how stressed she is and that she told her parents to hide all the razors and next thing you'll be apologizing to HER because she'll get you feeling guilty.

 

And if I had a dollar for every poster on this forum whose ex swore they weren't even THINKING about anyone else, that's not why they broke up and they say "I KNOW her, she wouldn't lie to me, she isn't that kind of person" and then they find out from social media that their ex has a new boyfriend two weeks after they broke up...I would have a nice pile of dollar bills.

 

Don't fall for her BS and don't allow yourself to be sucked back into communicating with her because we all know how that will end up.

[ninjabib]

Jeremiah shes clearly getting to you, honestly, just let the blazer, condoms and her go. Whether shes purposely withholding them or just being a 5hithouse by nature, they are gone and you are not getting them back. I understand the principle and where you are coming from but sometimes in life you just got to cut your losses and move on.

[jeremiahsain]

Look, you know she'll just start whining about her nan and how stressed she is and that she told her parents to hide all the razors and next thing you'll be apologizing to HER because she'll get you feeling guilty.

 

And if I had a dollar for every poster on this forum whose ex swore they weren't even THINKING about anyone else, that's not why they broke up and they say "I KNOW her, she wouldn't lie to me, she isn't that kind of person" and then they find out from social media that their ex has a new boyfriend two weeks after they broke up...I would have a nice pile of dollar bills.

 

Don't fall for her BS and don't allow yourself to be sucked back into communicating with her because we all know how that will end up.

 

 

Nah honestly, I'm angry now. I haven't been this angry at her before and I genuinely think if I messaged her I just wouldn't buy it anymore. I've had enough of it, the hurt is starting to just turn in to anger but I don't know if that is any better. I'm sick to death of her excuses, false promises and offers of damn friendship.

 

Oh no, I don't take her at her word at all. She's absolutely that kind of person, she showed that with how she behaved with her ex. I just have absolutely no idea where she could have met somebody else, and everything I've heard from mutuals etc doesn't point towards anything like that. I absolutely may be wrong and it wouldn't shock me, but I don't think she's seeing somebody else. Not because I'm delusional enough to think she respects me too much for that, but because the girl doesn't leave her damn bed and sleeps 99% of the time.

[jeremiahsain]

Jeremiah shes clearly getting to you, honestly, just let the blazer, condoms and her go. Whether shes purposely withholding them or just being a 5hithouse by nature, they are gone and you are not getting them back. I understand the principle and where you are coming from but sometimes in life you just got to cut your losses and move on.

 

Yeah you're probably right. It's so hard to resist the urge to just have a go at her though, like the entire time throughout our relationship I've been so understanding and patient with her utter BS, I feel like it's time she started getting told straight.