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Do you think there's a chance we could get back together?


jeremiahsain

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Sorry to hear this. However it is a wake-up call to move on and block and delete her once and for all. It also explains why she was "so busy" and very apathetic toward you once she went back home. Was this her home bf, while you were the uni bf?

 

I don't think so, however I do think she was messaging this guy but holding back because we were together, then decided perhaps now that she had other options it was time to quit .. I honestly don't know.

 

I think the apathy was just her being bored of the relationship, which I think had been happening for a long time if I'm honest. We spent way too much time together for the first six months or so (constantly at hers etc) and got way too comfortable as a couple, to the point where there was just no excitement or romance left, basically we burnt each other out early on. She was all over me for the first six months or so and then gradually I noticed that interest decrease once the initial 'new relationship' feeling wore off.

 

We both stayed because it was comfortable and easy, but then I think once Uni ended she felt she didn't need me there for her anymore and was able to make the decision to end it. I don't think she was cheating, it's been 2 months after the relationship so a perfectly fair amount of time to start trying to get back 'out there'. I just think in her mind the relationship had been dying for some time, so she's been able to move on and get out there sooner than I have.

 

But yeah, it is a wake up call, although admittedly a horrible one. I feel like when you find out your ex is seeing someone else it's a worse punch in the gut than the breakup itself.

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All this deep analytical thinking about what happened - two months down the track - is preventing you from moving along.

 

Truth is, it doesn't matter why she ended the relationship - only that she did.

 

You now have to learn to live your life without her in it. Because she has chosen not to be in it.

 

When you say "my brain doesn't seem to want to accept that yet", if I understand you correctly, you are still having emotional feelings, and intrusive thoughts about her, and cravings to see what she is doing, who with, etc. You are wondering if she misses you at all, what she is thinking about you.This is, at least in part, your emotional brain suffering withdrawal from it's addiction to her. Your rational brain should be on course to win that fight now, so you need to take positive steps to help it if you want to escape from this blue funk.

 

You say "It's just those remaining feelings I need to purge...I'm ill disciplined as hell". This is not just about discipline, it also has to do with brain chemistry. There are some people who may have the requisite mental control in uber -Zen proportions to flick a switch and be done, but I have never met one. People who can walk instantly away from a relationship end and feel nothing were either done with it before then, or more likely were never invested in it in the first place (leaving sociopaths aside).

 

I repeat, there is no switch that can be easily flicked over to do this. It is an incremental process. Time will work in your favor - if you take a little step today, another next week, and so forth.

 

You said above that you have now blocked her on all social media. Well done on that. That was last week's step. As time flows (time is your best ally) take another one this week.

 

I am reasonably sure we have discussed the importance of exercise and endorphins before, or at least someone mentioned them to you. So here is a suggestion for next week's step - if you feel the urge to sneak another look at her social media next week, get your gear on and lift some weights/run, whatever. Develop that as a habit. To emphasize, exercise gives you endorphin release -and that will help your emotional brain by training it to seek that high, instead of craving the oxytocin release that it used to get from the relationship.

 

 

This is really good advice, thank you.

 

You're 100% right that it doesn't matter why she ended it, sadly like I said my brain likes to go over and over it regardless.

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Why does your brain "like" to ruminate? Does the pain feel good?

 

If not, what are you doing to move your thoughts away from obsessing over her? Do you go work out? Think about something positive? Make plans with a friend? Or do you choose to lie in bed and let the thoughts take over?

 

You have to actively DO something when the rumination starts.

 

Like you said, it's been two months and it's time for this to stop.

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Why does your brain "like" to ruminate? Does the pain feel good?

 

If not, what are you doing to move your thoughts away from obsessing over her? Do you go work out? Think about something positive? Make plans with a friend? Or do you choose to lie in bed and let the thoughts take over?

 

You have to actively DO something when the rumination starts.

 

Like you said, it's been two months and it's time for this to stop.

 

 

It doesn't feel good, but honestly when I go to sleep or have free time, it's all I can think about. I really can't help it. I try and think about other things, but my brain does not co-operate. It's pretty much subconscious.

 

I am working out, I am trying to think about other things .. tomorrow I'm chilling with friends and I've been doing that a lot.

 

I know it is, more than anybody else I do, because it's seriously getting to the point where I'm scared I won't ever fully move past it. The relationship was really dysfunctional/manipulative at times and I'm concerned that it's had a permanent impact on me, going in to future relationships I know I'm going to be more paranoid and not trusting. I also think the fact we spent so much time together (literally 24/7 at uni) meant that I was super reliant on her for company and basically ignored other factors in my life, and that is meaning I got hit twice as hard.

 

I just wish I could go back and stop myself checking her social media, honestly it's just brought everything back and put a lot of depressive thoughts in my head. I tied so much of my self worth to the relationship and finding out she's seeing other people has just made me feel pretty worthless and I don't know what I can do about it.

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It doesn't feel good, but honestly when I go to sleep or have free time, it's all I can think about. I really can't help it. I try and think about other things, but my brain does not co-operate. It's pretty much subconscious.

 

I am working out, I am trying to think about other things .. tomorrow I'm chilling with friends and I've been doing that a lot.

 

I know it is, more than anybody else I do, because it's seriously getting to the point where I'm scared I won't ever fully move past it. The relationship was really dysfunctional/manipulative at times and I'm concerned that it's had a permanent impact on me, going in to future relationships I know I'm going to be more paranoid and not trusting. I also think the fact we spent so much time together (literally 24/7 at uni) meant that I was super reliant on her for company and basically ignored other factors in my life, and that is meaning I got hit twice as hard.

 

I just wish I could go back and stop myself checking her social media, honestly it's just brought everything back and put a lot of depressive thoughts in my head. I tied so much of my self worth to the relationship and finding out she's seeing other people has just made me feel pretty worthless and I don't know what I can do about it.

 

take advantage of mental counseling services. Definitely saved me. Even if you have to pay out of pocket

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take advantage of mental counseling services. Definitely saved me. Even if you have to pay out of pocket

 

 

Probably good advice, but I wouldn't really know how to go about that. I haven't really told my parents the extent of how badly I'm feeling, they think I'm pretty much over it and that it was just a normal relationship and in the past. My family all have their own stuff to be getting on with and plenty of issues, so I don't want to burden them with it, and I simply wouldn't have the money off my back to pay for that.

 

Truth is right now I feel like it's really broken me. My self esteem is lower than it has ever been, I'm feeling incredibly lonely and even when I'm out with other people I'm constantly fixating on the breakup. It's so unhealthy but I really don't know how to stop it. I feel so incredibly stupid and pathetic for checking her social media, that seriously set me back and now I'm back to feeling sick, depressed and exhausted.

 

Honestly, if I have one bit of advice for anybody else going through something similar, 100% resist the urge to do what I did. Finding out that way when you're still emotionally attached is like being hit by a truck.

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I'm curious, why did you think it was a good idea to look at her Instagram? What did you believe you needed to see?

 

Were you hoping to see signs she was doing poorly without you?

 

Please, do tell your parents. They want to know. Trust me. You will not be "burdening" them. As a parent, trust me...I know for a fact they want to help you.

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I'm curious, why did you think it was a good idea to look at her Instagram? What did you believe you needed to see?

 

Were you hoping to see signs she was doing poorly without you?

 

Please, do tell your parents. They want to know. Trust me. You will not be "burdening" them. As a parent, trust me...I know for a fact they want to help you.

 

 

I don't know what I was hoping to find .. it was just out of stupid curiosity.

 

Last night I got drunk and unblocked and messaged her .. I didn't send anything particularly bad, just asked how she was doing etc, and she didn't mention him or anything. She basically said she's barely been eating, she's having a bad time at home etc (went on a rant about her sister). Then I woke up and remembered having talked to her.

 

My parents are dealing with a lot at the moment, my mum has fallen out with my brother and my dad is struggling at work, so I really don't want to lay anything more at their door.

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arent you in university? You should have healthcare through them or at the very least be able to take advantage of some mental counseling services at the uni. If your insurance is through your parents, just ask for your insurance card information and schedule an appoint yourself. Most insurance companies have a portal where you can search in-service providers and you just call and go from there.

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arent you in university? You should have healthcare through them or at the very least be able to take advantage of some mental counseling services at the uni. If your insurance is through your parents, just ask for your insurance card information and schedule an appoint yourself. Most insurance companies have a portal where you can search in-service providers and you just call and go from there.

 

I was, I'm a graduate now.

 

 

I wouldn't really feel right going to see a counsellor, like at the end of the day I am just dealing with a breakup, yes it feels horrible but I'd feel like I was taking up time they could be spending on people with genuine mental health problems.

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I don't know what I was hoping to find .. it was just out of stupid curiosity.

 

Last night I got drunk and unblocked and messaged her .. I didn't send anything particularly bad, just asked how she was doing etc, and she didn't mention him or anything. She basically said she's barely been eating, she's having a bad time at home etc (went on a rant about her sister). Then I woke up and remembered having talked to her.

 

My parents are dealing with a lot at the moment, my mum has fallen out with my brother and my dad is struggling at work, so I really don't want to lay anything more at their door.

 

Do you feel better having talked to her?

 

Your parents want to know. They do.

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Do you feel better having talked to her?

 

Your parents want to know. They do.

 

 

Nah, I did it whilst drunk, but I don't really feel any worse. Feeling a little better tonight actually, I think the initial shock from finding out she was seeing somebody else/full acceptance it was all over is wearing off.

 

I think finally I've reached that stage where I 100% realise that she's moved on, she views me strictly as a potential friend, there's no deeper explanation to anything she says. It's something I've known for a while but there's always been a voice in the back of my head saying 'no, she wants you back really!' but that is totally silent now. Which obviously hurts, but is at least allowing me to reach the 'acceptance' stage.

 

With regards to my parents, I honestly don't want to involve them unless 100% unavoidable. I'm not exaggerating when I say they have a lot on at the moment, and whilst I'm finding it tough I do think I am capable of getting through it. There's really not much they can do for me, they can offer emotional support but that won't fix my current lack of self worth or motivation. That's what I need to work on right now because the main feeling I have is that I've lost a huge chunk of my personality after the breakup and haven't quite decided who I am yet.

 

I changed quite a bit when I was with her (not always for the better).

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So, you have said many times on this thread that you know for a fact it's over and she just wants you around for emotional support. Yet you have continued to hold on to hope.

 

Would you consider just biting the bullet and asking her to get back together?

 

I don't think reconciling is a good idea but maybe asking is the only way for you to get past this. Maybe that would be the push to finally be able to close the door and keep it closed.

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I think you guys are being a bit tough on the OP. It's been what, 2 months since the break up? He seems to be aware of the source of his problems but it's not like he can just make them go away instantly, especially when therapy is not an easy option. 2 months is definitely not enough time for most to heal from a break up.

 

I'd say what you're feeling is normal. Now that you know she's with someone else, you'll grow in acceptance and will heal quicker. These things take time. You're not only grieving the break up but also the unhealthy relationship you had and having allowed her to 'walk over' you for a few months.

 

OP, there's a lot of reading you could do to improve your confidence. Based on this thread and somethings like you're saying about your parents "they have too much going on to worry about my problems", I'd reckon you have a bit of a nice guy syndrome. LAlways trying to please and to avoid annoying people. Look for youtube videos and books on how to improve that. It appears you might have a lack of self-worth that is keeping you from running away from unpleasant situations just so you don't annoy other people. Remember, you have to start putting yourself first, otherwise this issue won't go away. It sounds selfish but in a world like today, if you keep trying to please everyone, people are gonna make you their doormats.

 

Also, try to think of steps you can take to improve as a person. Educate yourself about how to set firm boundaries. Work on your physique, try meditation or reading that can help improve your self-esteem too. You can do this.

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So, you have said many times on this thread that you know for a fact it's over and she just wants you around for emotional support. Yet you have continued to hold on to hope.

 

Would you consider just biting the bullet and asking her to get back together?

 

I don't think reconciling is a good idea but maybe asking is the only way for you to get past this. Maybe that would be the push to finally be able to close the door and keep it closed.

 

 

This would lead to nothing but me getting embarrassed when she inevitably says 'I just want to be friends'. I really don't want to lower myself anymore than I already did when I was with her. And yeah, even if she was to say yes I wouldn't actually want it because it would be a totally stupid thing to do regardless. Us getting back together would be toxic as hell, I'd be with somebody who I would know for a fact doesn't really value me.

 

I know I've said multiple times I know it's over, and honestly I've meant it. That hope is just that irrational, fantasy side which I think everybody has, even if I straight up asked to get back together and she said no that would still be there.

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I think you guys are being a bit tough on the OP. It's been what, 2 months since the break up? He seems to be aware of the source of his problems but it's not like he can just make them go away instantly, especially when therapy is not an easy option. 2 months is definitely not enough time for most to heal from a break up.

 

I'd say what you're feeling is normal. Now that you know she's with someone else, you'll grow in acceptance and will heal quicker. These things take time. You're not only grieving the break up but also the unhealthy relationship you had and having allowed her to 'walk over' you for a few months.

 

OP, there's a lot of reading you could do to improve your confidence. Based on this thread and somethings like you're saying about your parents "they have too much going on to worry about my problems", I'd reckon you have a bit of a nice guy syndrome. LAlways trying to please and to avoid annoying people. Look for youtube videos and books on how to improve that. It appears you might have a lack of self-worth that is keeping you from running away from unpleasant situations just so you don't annoy other people. Remember, you have to start putting yourself first, otherwise this issue won't go away. It sounds selfish but in a world like today, if you keep trying to please everyone, people are gonna make you their doormats.

 

Also, try to think of steps you can take to improve as a person. Educate yourself about how to set firm boundaries. Work on your physique, try meditation or reading that can help improve your self-esteem too. You can do this.

 

 

I think it's also been made more difficult by me leaving University coinciding with the breakup. I think if I was still at Uni I would be moving on more quickly, I'd have all my main friends circle around me, a degree to focus on etc. Dealing with that massive change whilst also having broken up has left me feeling a bit spare and struggling to work out who I am now. I also think you're right that I am also dealing with the way I allowed her to treat me when we were together, it's really something that bothers me/occupies my mind, I'm constantly kicking myself that I didn't end it sooner, or call her out on it.

 

 

And yeah, that's good advice, and you're probably right. I think I got that from my dad, he's similar in that he's generally trying to always please other people. Me always wanting to keep her happy during the relationship/not rock the boat was a huge issue and honestly got a bit pathetic, though I will say she definitely manipulated that situation and knew exactly what she was doing and how to get sympathy off me.

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Did end up talking to my mum about it, and she was really supportive .. she's obviously noticed changes in me since I've lost weight, don't care as much about my appearance etc, but my family have been pretty good in rallying around me and I am feeling better.

 

She also reached out again, this time through an old discord chat we had where she sent me a picture of her cat and a caption. I just ignored it and didn't reply which I was quite pleased about. What is helping me a lot in resisting any urge to contact her is the fact that I realised the way she talks to me/treats me is very similar to the way she treats a male best friend of hers who liked her (she rejected him and they became friends). Like she was asking whether I'd been on any 'hot dates', talk about tv shows and games etc.

 

But I do have a question for anyone who went through a similar situation, how long does it take for sleeping to get easier?! That definitely seems the time when my brain loves to overthink everything, and I still don't sleep soundly at all.

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well you need to do the therapy and completely cut her off. Its like a form of mental masturbation every time shes able to reach out and even though you aren't responding, your subconsciously thinking oh maybe she wants to get back together or some sort of mental gymnamstics.

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Have you asked her to stop contacting you?

 

Maybe because you got drunk and had a conversation with her a week or so ago, she thinks you want to continue having a friendship with her with no other expectations.

 

As long as you keep contacting her and if you haven't made it clear you want her to stop contacting you (and stick to it) you will continue to obsess over her.

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Have you asked her to stop contacting you?

 

Maybe because you got drunk and had a conversation with her a week or so ago, she thinks you want to continue having a friendship with her with no other expectations.

 

As long as you keep contacting her and if you haven't made it clear you want her to stop contacting you (and stick to it) you will continue to obsess over her.

 

 

Nah, I don't see the point in popping up and being like 'don't contact me' .. I've said it before to her and then gone back on it, just looks silly.

 

But yeah, the fact I contacted her probably did make her think we could be friends, that's my bad. All I can do now is not respond to her and she'll get the idea, I don't feel a need to explain it to her .. I'm sure she'll understand why.

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well you need to do the therapy and completely cut her off. Its like a form of mental masturbation every time shes able to reach out and even though you aren't responding, your subconsciously thinking oh maybe she wants to get back together or some sort of mental gymnamstics.

 

Possibly, but the mental gymnastics have actually stopped, which is a good thing. I've stopped thinking 'why is she doing/saying this?' now as I'm totally resigned to the fact she's just lonely and reaching out because she wants a friend. I'm not really overthinking stuff anymore.

 

To her, I'm just another person in her life who she can talk to/send cat pics etc. She really doesn't have a large circle of friends so I guess that's why she is keen to talk. It's nothing more than that, it's been 2 months .. if she wanted something else she would have said so.

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