I want him back

[Imueronica]

I desperately need relationship advice from someone. I have an ex that I want back more then anything and are relationship was incredible and everyone was so surprised when he broke up with me. He gave me these three reasons for ending it:

 

•he felt like he couldn’t talk to me (because last summer I found out he was texting tons of girls and got very upset).

•he thought I was better then him (he’s always told me this though, I’m not sure if it’s one of the “it’s not you it’s me” things. But maybe!)

• we fought too much about little things.

 

It happened at 7am in the morning after a night of no sleep. He walked into my room with glazed eyes and he looked like he wasn’t even there and did it. Mind you, the night before he bought me flowers and would always tell me he couldn’t live life without me.. I broke down because I had no clue of his feelings because he’s never talked to me about any of it before, and I wasn’t even able to fix the problems with him. I begged for him back for about three days.. until I left the state on a month long road trip, and started no contact. So from the 26th of July-Monday the 13th of August, I didn’t say anything to him and he didn’t reach out. Then I got a desperate message from him.

 

Him: hey (my name). Idk if your brother told you but I’m in a really bad spot right and I need your help.

Me:what can I do for you? Want to try and call me my service is pretty bad out here.

Him:if you can talk?

Me: I can right now

Him: okay one second

Him: Hey (name) thank you for talking to me.

Me: hello, I’m really sorry your having troubles right now. I know you can get through this! I’m sorry about this but please don’t keep in contact with me, I was doing great and happy but I can’t move forward if we keep talking when your still sure about your decision. Stay safe!

 

On the phone he talked for ten minutes crying about all the bad things happening in his life and I comforted him and told him he was being strong. He kept apologizing for bothering me on my vacation. Afterwards I sent the message about him not contacting me because I didn’t want to be used by him. Basically this is what happened from another run down from a friend:

“Awe yeah he told me about that, i think it was wise of you to say what you did. idk if he explained the whole situation to you, but we went to a friend’s place up north for the weekend and drank the whole time, and at some point during the weekend nathan lost his keys. We looked everywhere and couldn’t find them and he ended up staying there after everyone left to wait for a locksmith, the locksmith showed up late and couldn’t even cut the key so nathan ended up having to spend the night, he tried getting in the house to keep looking for his keys and ended up setting off the alarms so he had to call the owner and explain, and they were a little pissed at him. Then yesterday the locksmith wouldn’t return his calls and Nathan’s dad called him, his sister had tattled, so his parents now knew that he was up north with the car and didn’t have keys and they were pissed too, he’s been living at his sister’s friend’s place in Muskegon for the past few weeks and he was supposed to feed her cat but since he had lost both his car keys and his keys to her apartment she had to drive across the state to feed the cat herself and she ended up kicking him out, so he’s kind of homeless for the rest of the week. Idk, just a horrible, horrible couple of days for him and I think talking to you on the phone was a little confusing as well :/ he’s alright now tho, everything is sorted and he’s in a much better mood.Not sure, he’s probs gonna have to sleep on someone’s floor. And same, I feel horrible that he had to put up with all of that, but he thinks it’s really funny now, like literally as soon as he got the key made his mood changed completely. He and I are moving in on Saturday morning as well so he just has to tough it out for a couple days.”

 

Which finding out he was homeless terrified me.. so I messaged him again even though I said not to contact me.

 

Me: Hiyaa, okie so I was worried about you and talked to (mutual friend). I know I said no contact but he said I should let you know this because I might make you feel better. I wanted to let you know you can crash in my room for however long you need! I won’t be home for awhile so no need to worry about that. It might be good to be in a familiar place with a cute puppy .

Him:yeah I didn’t keep you updated because I didn’t want to bug you did he let you know I got back?

Him: Thank you for the offer (name) that’s so sweet of you.

Me: yep, and yep! I’m glad you got back safe and sound. I talked to my roommates about it and they are cool with it.

Him: so my friend lives across from campus and I move in in a few days so I might just crash there and then I’ll wake up and start moving in all my stuff.

Him:but that is so so kind and it means a lot to me that you would do that for me.

Him: I will let you know if my friend says no!

 

And then a mess happened.. at least it seemed like one. He had actually been staying in my house two days prior to me sending that message in one of my roommates bedrooms on the floor. It made me feel so betrayed. So I messaged him again and this is how our last convo went:

 

Me: did he say yes?

Me: just checking in to make sure your good!

Him: yeah I just heard back from him and it’s cool with him.

Me:someone told me you’ve been staying since Tuesday.i feel a little betrayed because I offered you my home, and you didn’t tell me. I understand though.. because your going through a lot. I’d be a mess too. I wish things happened differently sometimes, you know?

Him:Hey I’m sorry The guy made the key from scratch so he didnt get done till like 2am and so I didn’t get back to Grand Rapids till like 5am on Wednesday I didn’t have anyone else to contact at the time and no place to stay I figured I’d sleep on the floor in graces room because I didn’t want to be in the way of your roommates Grace told me she talked to Bri and Britt so I figured that you knew and that why you offered your room. as soon as I was able to get ahold of Micheal I did I’m sorry if I’m a hassle or upset you but I was out of options I didn’t mean to make you feel betrayed by any means.

Me:You seem a little lost right now but you aren’t a hassle I promise, although I will admit you drive me bonkers sometimes 🙃. Hahah anyways, if you need someone to talk too.. feel free to call me. We can decipher everything going on in that mind of yours haha. Because I feel like you are burning a lot of bridges without thinking/doing a lot of things that aren’t like you. And I understand fully why you do the things you do, and it will be good to mello things out for you. I know your trying to be strong but even strong people need help. Feel free to call me when you want. If you don’t, then that’s okay too. Have a lovely night and I hope you have the sweetest dreams. ☺️

 

Now I’m sitting here feeling kind of crappy. Because I know he’s going crazy. He’s been smoking weed every single night to ignore the pain and during the day he’s taking like 7 hour long walks and doing some pretty weird things and his friends are avoiding him because of it. He’s just acting a little bit psycho.. and I know it’s because he’s in so much pain right now because of are relationship being ended. He once told me if we broke up he be thrown into the worse depression of his life, and frankly with how he’s acting I believe it.

I know I messed up with breaking no contact but it seemed like I didn’t have any other options because he needed to speak to me so badly. And then I couldn’t stop messaging him because I wanted to help him. I think as of right now I’m just going to ignore his texts if he ever does text again, but not his calls. I don’t think he will contact me though.. because although he’s hurting so much he’s also incredibly stubborn and won’t take back the breakup.

Please someone give me advice on the next steps to getting him back because I’m so lost. I really don’t want to find someone new because we were just so happy together. At this point I’m in the state where I don’t care what happens and I’ve pretty much given up.. but I’m still going to try. Do you think I have hope? Thank you for reading this!

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Did you live together? Why is he living with this girl friend? Let him sort out his own self inflicted problems. He sounds very immature and irresponsible. The girl friend was right to throw him out.

[MissCanuck]

Who were all these girls he was messaging last summer?

 

It sounds like this kid really needs to grow up, and was taking advantage of your kindness and flimsy boundaries. He is not boyfriend material at all.

[Pleasedonot5]

I think you were doing fine until the betrayal part. it was nice of you to offer your room, and to be there for him, despite the no contact rule. However, he doesn't really owe you any updates in his life anymore

 

the way I see it, things could have gone much worse. You showed that you cared and were compassionate during his tough moments. If he texts again, and it's about small talk or something insignificant, then I suggest sending another polite message explaining that you can't keep doing that for him unless he wants to reconcile, because it hurts you, too. And then this time, mean it.

[Hollyj]

He was cheating on you.

Told you that he is less than. Who knows better than him

You fought all the time.

 

Now he wants you to play his therapist, after he dumped you. This guy is a complete loser.

 

I can't understand why you would want this relationship back, as it sounds unhealthy and dramatic. Certainly, you can do better than this. There is no future here.

 

Block and delete this creep.

[DanZee]

Why was the relationship so incredible? I mean, the guy is screwed up and you were fighting all the time. Did you like the drama? Why do you even want to get back with guy? Find a nice guy to date and forget about this guy.

[Hollyj]

I think you were doing fine until the betrayal part. it was nice of you to offer your room, and to be there for him, despite the no contact rule. However, he doesn't really owe you any updates in his life anymore

 

the way I see it, things could have gone much worse. You showed that you cared and were compassionate during his tough moments. If he texts again, and it's about small talk or something insignificant, then I suggest sending another polite message explaining that you can't keep doing that for him unless he wants to reconcile, because it hurts you, too. And then this time, mean it.

 

Reconcile? This guy has nothing to offer her. She should be blocking him.

 

Why isn't he looking for a job, instead of taking walks and smoking weed. What a loser.

 

OP, you can do much netter than this

[DancingFool]

I'm also confused on what you think was so incredible about this relationship. He sounds like a manipulative manchild, he was pretty much cheating on you or trying to, you were fighting all the time.... It's almost like you want either try to prove yourself to this loser or fix him or both, but really.....come on....you can do sooo much better than this.

 

Cut contact and give yourself some time to breathe and heal. Once you get out and start meeting new guys you'll quickly realize what a waste of time and life this one was. I know it's hard to believe now....but trust me it will happen sooner than you think.

[Imueronica]

He is 20. And have been dating a year and a half. The reason I think are relationship was so special is because in the moments we weren’t having problems we always had so much fun together, and he was always so sweet. We have been living together but not in a completely moved in kind of way. He lived with this girl friend because he didn’t have anywhere to go after he broke up with me because he was living with me. I really wish I didn’t care so much.

[Imueronica]

He explained to me last summer that the girls were people he was trying to be friends with but didn’t know how to without flirting. He didn’t do it again but it still really hurt me at the time I did get over it but he told me it scared him from speaking to me about things because at the time when I found out I tried to end are relationship until he explained it wasn’t with the intentions I though. I agree he’s not it’s just hard when you love someone.. but thank you for responding it really helped.

[boltnrun]

He explained to me last summer that the girls were people he was trying to be friends with but didn’t know how to without flirting. He didn’t do it again but it still really hurt me at the time I did get over it but he told me it scared him from speaking to me about things because at the time when I found out I tried to end are relationship until he explained it wasn’t with the intentions I though. I agree he’s not it’s just hard when you love someone.. but thank you for responding it really helped.

 

Wow, I hope you didn't buy that lame excuse. He doesn't know how to be friends without flirting! That's one of the most ridiculous excuses I've heard.

[Imueronica]

I bought it 😂 Now I wish I never did because a year later he ended it randomly. I won’t fall for that kind of thing ever again though.

[Hollyj]

He explained to me last summer that the girls were people he was trying to be friends with but didn’t know how to without flirting. He didn’t do it again but it still really hurt me at the time I did get over it but he told me it scared him from speaking to me about things because at the time when I found out I tried to end are relationship until he explained it wasn’t with the intentions I though. I agree he’s not it’s just hard when you love someone.. but thank you for responding it really helped.

 

You can't possibly believe this. He was cheating on you. I don't flirt with my male friends.

 

You may have had some fun times - every relationship does - but the bad outweighs the good. You were always arguing and there was no trust.

 

Why doesn't this guy work or have a home?

[Wiseman2]

Wow. That's he only reason he called with this sordid sob story? Let him move in with his folks or roommates or get his own place. Why is he leeching off women for housing? Does this guy have his own place or job or car or does he just borrow everyone's and trash it?

He lived with this girl friend because he didn’t have anywhere to go after he broke up with me because he was living with me.

[MissCanuck]

He explained to me last summer that the girls were people he was trying to be friends with but didn’t know how to without flirting. He didn’t do it again but it still really hurt me at the time I did get over it but he told me it scared him from speaking to me about things because at the time when I found out I tried to end are relationship until he explained it wasn’t with the intentions I though. I agree he’s not it’s just hard when you love someone.. but thank you for responding it really helped.

 

What a load of hilariously sad BS. He is a terrible liar and evidently doesn't think you're very bright if he fed you a line like that.

 

OP, most relationships have their great moments. That doesn't make it special; that makes it normal. When paired with all the other problems you two had, your relationship was anything but unique or amazing.

 

Is he your first boyfriend?

[Pleasedonot5]

Well not to be the squeaky wheel here, but a lot of you are equating a 20 year old's flirting with cheating. Although it's absolutely possible, it's a major leap in logic.

 

OP, when you say flirting, what do you mean -- what was the extent of his "flirting?" Please clarify for all of us, so that we can refine our advice to you.

 

Your ex-boyfriend isn't a saint, OP. Yet, you asked for advice as to how you handled the situation and how to get him back, so that's the advice I intend to give. Good for you for being there for someone in trouble. You had a lot of reason and power not to, yet you showed compassion at his moment of weakness. That's good on you and it speaks to your character. Good job.

 

As for what you do now, as I said, if he texts you again, politely assert no contact unless he wants to reconcile (assuming that's still what you want), and then actually follow through with it (ignore any subsequent texts or calls). Reevaluate whether the relationship was good enough for you, or whether you're better off trying with someone else. In the meantime, work on building yourself up, surrounding yourself with friends, and going after new hobbies. No checking in on him with friends or anything. If anyone brings him up, politely ask them not to bring him up again. In this way, you'll move on from the hurt of the break up.

 

The key point is: when we politely and assertively move on, that's the exact moment the ex comes back. We then have the power to choose if we want that or not. It's win-win with the moving on strategy: you either get him back, or move on, being ok either way.