Sarah3000 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Havent refused at all, i have said i know what my issues are and need to work on them not sure how that hasnt been picked up on, i did say i couldnt afford therapy but will defo be looking online (already have) and even coming on forums talking to strangers to ask for advice and help so yes i have taken accountability. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Havent refused at all, i have said i know what my issues are and need to work on them not sure how that hasnt been picked up on, i did say i couldnt afford therapy but will defo be looking online (already have) and even coming on forums talking to strangers to ask for advice and help so yes i have taken accountability. Allow me to explain again: because you continue to follow every acknowledgement of needing help with "but" or "however" and proceed to give a reason why you behaved the way you did or made the choices you made, generally because he wasn't who you wanted or you were drinking or he isn't perfect. I would encourage you to go back and re-read your own posts to identify that pattern. People who are truly ready to take responsibility don't engage in that type of blame-shifting. It's not about not being able to afford therapy or writing it all out here. It's about recognizing it like, "I did XYZ, and that was wrong, and what can I do to ensure I don't repeat that?," not, "I did XYZ but he wasn't the man I needed him to be" or "I did XYZ but I was drunk" or "He did XYZ, but noone is perfect. I am not trying to be harsh, but I am trying to point out some behaviour and thought patterns that I believe are contributing to your general disappointment and frustration with this. You're standing in your own way. Link to comment
Sarah3000 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Thank you for explaining Am i the one who broke down this realtionship? He said it was all my own doing it had come to this :-( Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Thank you for explaining Am i the one who broke down this realtionship? He said it was all my own doing it had come to this :-( No, it wasn't only you. You contributed to it with your behaviour, but he was never boyfriend material anyway. We advised you of this in your previous threads and discouraged you from getting too involved with him. If you revisit those old posts, you will see where people were trying to warn you that he wasn't a good candidate for a relationship. Link to comment
Sarah3000 Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Yeh i had a revisit but i think some of it i did over react with lol Yes he wasnt boyfriend material, let him crack on with his freedom Link to comment
helenh Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Сocaine is a very big problem. I advise you to forget this guy and find an interesting hobby. Link to comment
Sarah3000 Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 Okay update on this situation He has messaged me saying he misses me and wants us to work it out i was like u cant say to me you dont see a future with me and then suddenly be like i want us to make up? He dumped me on the wednesday and changed the flight name to his friends on the saturday and the holiday is next week i think that is so cruel and harsh and im having a hard time forgiving it - he will just want to go on holiday to pull. Why is he doing this to me going from one extreme to the other? Dumping me and then wanting me back, he said is there anything that will change my mind as he will so absoutley anything im so confused and hurt I hate his relationship with his boss they always go pub together during lunches and after work, the other day he comes up to me in the kitchen and goes “your man bubblegummed it” i have no idea what that even means?! Why is he suddenly doing a 360 on me? Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 He is doing a 360 because that is what less mature people do. He also appears to be a hard partier, so being impulsive comes with the territory. It's not a sign of true love in this case. Going back will almost certainly result in another break-up. If you want a stable relationship, this guy isn't it. Link to comment
Sarah3000 Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 Hmmm cant people change there minds though? Im tempted to go back i miss him so much and ive realised i need to change my ways Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Hmmm cant people change there minds though? Im tempted to go back i miss him so much and ive realised i need to change my ways Yes, they can change their minds. It doesn't mean the relationship will survive the next attempt, though. What happens if he doesn't give up the coke and drinking and pub visits? I can't see him refraining long-term. Sorry girl, but I think it would be foolish to try to fix what has always been a crappy relationship. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Why is he suddenly doing a 360 on me? Because, like many men with commitment issues, he likes you better from a distance. Which you became after he dumped you. Once you were gone and you became distant, he was free to miss you and long for you. If you choose to go back, you will no longer be distant, you will be close, just as you were when you were dating the first time. And once again he will feel boxed in, suffocated, turned off, whatever. Bottom line, the guy has got some serious issues, does not know what the hell he wants, has no self-awareness, and if you're smart, you will block and delete him and move on for good. Edit: Don't be surprised if he comes at you crying. Commitment phobes are notorious for crying when they want the girl they just dumped back. Don't fall for it, please! Guarantee once you're back, he WILL dump you again. Guys like him are absolutely crazy-making literally. Which you are already experiencing. They have the capability of driving even the most secure, stable, together girl insane! Don't be that girl, be smarter. Block him, move on. Take care of you! Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Is he off the drugs, isn't partying anymore and isn't hanging out with his party buddy from work? If none of that has changed, why on earth would you want to go back? Because you want a boyfriend? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 What does he want you to change? Im tempted to go back i miss him so much and ive realised i need to change my ways Link to comment
Qwerty55 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Walk away. Don't look back. The fact that he's doing coke is already a sign of a toxic and unhealthy person. Him doing that will lead to even a crappier relationship. Just get out of the relationship already before it's too late, you are just hurting yourself. It is tempting to go back to an ex because you miss him or the times you spent together. But break ups are ALWAYS like that, they are an illusion at first because we romanticize unhealthy or toxic relationships. As time passes by, you begin to realize this is a blessing in disguise all along and there will be someone better off for you. My tips on moving on from a toxic relationship are block your ex on all social medias. Second, distract yourself by exploring new hobbies. I remember I tried writing a journal after my break up and it helped me to accept the reality about my break up. Lastly, date yourself. Do the things you wanted to do but you can't when you were in a relationship. That activity will make you appreciate your single life even more. I seriously hope you will make the right decision and I wish you luck. Take care of yourself. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Thank you for explaining Am i the one who broke down this realtionship? He said it was all my own doing it had come to this :-( The bottomline is you found a drug using, gambling addict who didn't value you much to be someone you thought would be a good lifemate. When you become emotionally and mentally healthy yourself, you will acknowledge (to yourself) how absurd, wanting someone like that to be. Link to comment
Sarah3000 Posted August 19, 2018 Author Share Posted August 19, 2018 Thats all so true i need to stay strong and not go back, he wont stop the drugs nor will he stop hanging around his boss who i just dont like. (All fhe men like him within the office but all the women dont) Its such a shame because he is a kind hearted person who would always say nice stuff and we would always be together but then he goes and does this, he was at a wedding today so i wonder if that makes him think of us. He wanted me to change my ways as in i can be crazy insecure and jealous and this he said pushed him over the edge - id say i have to agree with this and its defo a lesson learnt but i dont know how to change this moving forward?? I think he ended the realtionship thinking in the very back of his mind he could still come back as that has always been our history, but hes upset me so much this time that i have been like NO but now i am tempted to go back as i miss him Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Thats all so true i need to stay strong and not go back, he wont stop the drugs nor will he stop hanging around his boss who i just dont like. (All fhe men like him within the office but all the women dont) Its such a shame because he is a kind hearted person who would always say nice stuff and we would always be together but then he goes and does this, he was at a wedding today so i wonder if that makes him think of us. He wanted me to change my ways as in i can be crazy insecure and jealous and this he said pushed him over the edge - id say i have to agree with this and its defo a lesson learnt but i dont know how to change this moving forward?? I think he ended the realtionship thinking in the very back of his mind he could still come back as that has always been our history, but hes upset me so much this time that i have been like NO but now i am tempted to go back as i miss him This is why I suggested looking up some free resources at your local library or even online, in terms of anger management and self-esteem. You mentioned you cannot afford a therapist, so seeking out other sources of support and help is your next best option. Have you done that? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 It's doubtful that is the case since he didn't invite you. Try to relax be professional at work and don't get involved with drug users. he was at a wedding today so i wonder if that makes him think of us. Link to comment
Sarah3000 Posted August 19, 2018 Author Share Posted August 19, 2018 Yeh the invite to the wedding reception was just for him i havent met the people who he was going with, not to sure if i was even aloud to come but then he said he would always be scared with me out drinking incase i start an argument Yes i have been looking online and ill go to a bookstore and buy something I have remained as calm as i possibly can with no reaction at work i will not even look at him I feel like everyone does drugs except for me? He does it on the weekends and doesnt have a “problem” thats why i got involved thinking it wouldnt be an issue but then his boss joined and it went downhill from there I want this feeling to end where i miss his company Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I feel like everyone does drugs except for me? He does it on the weekends and doesnt have a “problem” thats why i got involved thinking it wouldnt be an issue but then his boss joined and it went downhill from there No, everyone else does not do drugs. It's the company he keeps. Like attracts like. I've never touched a drug in my life. My friends don't use, and neither does my partner. It's a choice in terms of who you (or he) decide to associate with. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 It depends where you choose to work, who you choose to hang out with, where you choose to live, who you choose as friends who you choose to date and the types of places you choose hang out. Not everyone is a coke-head like this guy, so try not to normalize it to rationalize your intense attraction to him. I feel like everyone does drugs except for me? Link to comment
boltnrun Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 He does too have a drug problem. You don't miss him. You miss being able to tell yourself you have a boyfriend. Aim higher and resolve to improve how you behave in relationships. BTW, do you get out of control when you drink? Link to comment
Sarah3000 Posted August 19, 2018 Author Share Posted August 19, 2018 Yeh when i drink i “switch” so i do behave differently which is something i also need to work on Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Yeh when i drink i “switch” so i do behave differently which is something i also need to work on What's to work on, really? If you know you don't handle alcohol well, don't drink. Link to comment
katrina1980 Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 OP, you are addicted to him, HE is *your* drug" of choice. That's the pull. The attraction. He's addicted to drugs, you're addicted to him. Google "love addiction" you are in the throes of it which is why you can't emotionally break away. It will be hard but cold turkey is the best and only way. Guy is the bottom of the barrel and if you're not careful and take better care of YOU, he will pull you right down with him. Link to comment
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