Choosing Adoption

[figureitout23]

So I'm going to jump on my soapbox real quick...

 

While I agree with everyone the OPer is viewing adoption as an option for all the wrong reasons. Her choosing to be a single mother isn't nessesarily one of them in my humble opinion.

 

If a child has to choose between years in the foster system being passed around like a hot potato or being adopted by a loving and whole single mother, I promise you that child will choose a single mother.

 

We live in a society where the divorce rate is 50% there are millions of happy, healthy and mentally sound children raised by moms or dads or aunts or grandparents. That's life. We aren't in the 1950's leave it to beaver era anymore.

 

If she heals from her losses and breaks up with this guy because their life goals don't mesh and then decides to become an adoptive mother, I will be the first to applaud her because she's giving a child a chance they otherwise wouldn't have. The reality of it though is that she isn't prepared for this, it's a kneejerk reaction to her pain. That's not to say she won't get there and whether it's with a man or not, she has every right to be a parent once she is of sound mind and body. Plenty of children in two parent households being beaten and starved and abused. The odds of a child being molested when a man who is not their father is like what? 50%? I think a lot of women wouldn't put themselves and their children on those situations if they didn't feel the pressure from society because 'single mother' is seen as a dirty word instead of one of strength and resilience.

 

Ok I'll get off my soapbox. Ow.

[abitbroken]

I think you should break up with your boyfriend and after a healing period, find a man who wants kids - either has one of his own and wants more, or does not have kids and wants them and wants his own -- or if you cannot have children - adopt. Or has a big heart for adoption. I think its a big mistake to adopt a child just because your current boyfriend does not. I do think that you could also try being a foster parent also as well.

[BecxyRex]

I don't know figureitout23, from my experience being a single mother is a bit too glorified in our society. I don't feel like it has a bad rep anymore. There are certain circumstances where being a single mother is unavoidable and I tip my hat to these women. But going into it like it's no big deal is irresponsible. She's not exploring her options and seems to have tunnel vision about having a child NOW.

 

I think adoption is great and I respect everyone who gives these children a second chance and a loving home. But having a solid partnership still provides the best foundation.

[Jibralta]

I think it's a wonderful idea to adopt. There are literally millions of orphans in the world. Any one of these children would be lucky to find someone like you, who just wants to be a parent and who doesn't feel compelled to raise only their biological child. I think it's a wise choice in an already overpopulated world. I wish you luck in your endeavor! The process can be very difficult, especially for a single parent. And you may have an additional worry when you consider your boyfriend. But don't be discouraged by that! Follow your heart. You have what it takes!

[annie24]

If you do choose to apply for adoption, you will face a lot more inquiry than anything here. And you can't really say ' I will not be responding anymore' - not if you want to be seriously considered .

 

Of course you don't have to continue the discussion here. I do wonder why this response though.

 

I can imagine the adoption agency will have the same questions and many many more. Particularly about your boyfriend who doesn't want any more children!! I would consult the advice of people who have adopted successfully and what they went through. I am sure that their experiences will be helpful in knowing what were problems and what weren't problems with regards to adoption. Good luck, I hope you are able to start a family soon.

[abitbroken]

I can imagine the adoption agency will have the same questions and many many more. Particularly about your boyfriend who doesn't want any more children!! I would consult the advice of people who have adopted successfully and what they went through. I am sure that their experiences will be helpful in knowing what were problems and what weren't problems with regards to adoption. Good luck, I hope you are able to start a family soon.

 

Yes - if you have a situation where one of the couple is not on board -- someone who is the partner of the adopter even if they adopt as a single person - they might view the home life as unstable. You have to be done with this guy if you want to adopt. Be prepared for your home to be visited, your finances to be looked at - and to be determined if you are adopting for the right reasons. I agree about meeting adoptive parents -- a lot of times there are meetings in the area -- informatonal meetings, adoption and foster parent support groups - that's a good start.

[Jibralta]

That's true, and it is unfortunate because there are SO MANY fully competent, awesome single mothers out there. Many are not single by choice and still knock it out of the park.

[figureitout23]

I don't know figureitout23, from my experience being a single mother is a bit too glorified in our society. I don't feel like it has a bad rep anymore. There are certain circumstances where being a single mother is unavoidable and I tip my hat to these women. But going into it like it's no big deal is irresponsible. She's not exploring her options and seems to have tunnel vision about having a child NOW.

 

I think adoption is great and I respect everyone who gives these children a second chance and a loving home. But having a solid partnership still provides the best foundation.

 

 

There are hundreds of thousands of same sex couples, single women and Im sure even single men who are raising adopted children who would otherwise be shuffled around and statistically failed by the system. If you think any random man and woman would do a better job simply based on the fact that its a man and woman then so be it. It just isn't how I think. As long as there are healthy male and female influences in their lives, they end up raised right.

[Batya33]

There are hundreds of thousands of same sex couples, single women and Im sure even single men who are raising adopted children who would otherwise be shuffled around and statistically failed by the system. If you think any random man and woman would do a better job simply based on the fact that its a man and woman then so be it. It just isn't how I think. As long as there are healthy male and female influences in their lives, they end up raised right.

 

I agree with respect to adopted or foster kids.

[itsallgrand]

I can imagine the adoption agency will have the same questions and many many more. Particularly about your boyfriend who doesn't want any more children!! I would consult the advice of people who have adopted successfully and what they went through. I am sure that their experiences will be helpful in knowing what were problems and what weren't problems with regards to adoption. Good luck, I hope you are able to start a family soon.

 

I agree she would be best to consult with people locally who have successfully adopted. She mentioned she is in the researching phase.

It varies so wildly depending on location. There there is local adoption, adoption within ones own country but outside of ones province/state/territory ( not sure what country OP lives in), and there's international adoption too. All so different!

 

My partner and I have begun the application process locally and there are a million hoops to jump through. And of course, much is dependent too on what groups of children you are willing to adopt. Babies who have not been in the foster care system are the highest in demand. They ask you Everything - are you open to both or only one gender? What age groups? Children with special needs? If so, which ones ( it is very specific)? Children who it's in their best interests to be adopted as a group? Race? It goes on.

 

So experience will vary based on all that and more. Even beginning the process requires a tone of self reflection and inquiry into what you are willing and can provide as a parent. Like Seraphim mentioned, the process encourages filtering out those who don't want it and aren't willing to have their lives thoroughly examined inside and out.

 

I'm lucky in that there are several members of my extended family who joined us via adoption. And I have acquaintances of various kinds who have gone through the process. And I used to work within the system myself with kids in the foster care system and special needs kids. It's valuable to have people to talk to about it.

 

I highly recommend OP take advantage of all the resources close to her. It will give her a reality check, so to speak, of what the process can actually entail.

[HealingLight]

This makes no sense at all. Your boyfriend said he does not want any more children. You have to assume this means he doesn't want to be a father to another one of his own kids, much less one that is adopted. As awful as it sounds, people in general are more accepting of their own biological offspring than the prospect of raising one they didn't physically create.

 

If you want to have a child so badly that you're willing to make this unilateral decision, realize that you will very likely be a single mother. It will definitely come across to your boyfriend as manipulative if you don't discuss it with him and get his opinion before proceeding assuming you want to have a future with him.

 

If you care more about adopting a child than your relationship, let your boyfriend go.

[Starlight925]

I have a friend who was single, and wanted a child so badly, she did in vitro and had twins from a biologically unknown father.

 

I have another friend who was single, and she adopted an unwanted baby from a foreign country.

 

Both of these women raised their children as single parents, with no expectation for a father. In both cases, the children (now grown) are highly adjusted, awesome people.

 

Why not just look at this as something you want to do on your own?

[abitbroken]

I have a friend who was single, and wanted a child so badly, she did in vitro and had twins from a biologically unknown father.

 

I have another friend who was single, and she adopted an unwanted baby from a foreign country.

 

Both of these women raised their children as single parents, with no expectation for a father. In both cases, the children (now grown) are highly adjusted, awesome people.

 

Why not just look at this as something you want to do on your own?

 

If she plans to stay with her boyfriend and have a baby on her own because he won't to strongarm him into having another child in his life -- that is not an awesome idea.

 

If she were 40 years old and her guy didn't want a baby and she broke up with him and decided on that route , that's one thing. If she is in her 20s or 30s, i think its definitely reasonable to expect that if she breaks it off, she may end up meeting the right guy for her and have a bunch of babies with him - and if she wants to adopt also, wonderful.

[abitbroken]

This makes no sense at all. Your boyfriend said he does not want any more children. You have to assume this means he doesn't want to be a father to another one of his own kids, much less one that is adopted. As awful as it sounds, people in general are more accepting of their own biological offspring than the prospect of raising one they didn't physically create.

 

If you want to have a child so badly that you're willing to make this unilateral decision, realize that you will very likely be a single mother. It will definitely come across to your boyfriend as manipulative if you don't discuss it with him and get his opinion before proceeding assuming you want to have a future with him.

 

If you care more about adopting a child than your relationship, let your boyfriend go.

 

i must have missed your post before i posted - but we echo the same opinion.

If your boyfriend doesn't want a baby - you either stay with him and don't get a baby of your own and adapt to the idea of being an awesome stepmom someday or you break up with him, meet a wonderful man who wants babies as much as you do or you adopt OR both.

[Jibralta]

I think she did state that she intended to do this herself:

 

He doesn't want to have children. I would be doing this by myself. He is my boyfriend and we are committed but I accept that he doesn't want another child and I can't keep denying that I do. We do not live together and I'm not sure what role he will play. Right now I am just starting the process in my mind and have to do research (I have looked at adoption in the past, but don't know the complete ins and outs). Ultimately this could be the end of our relationship, and while that's sad it was never meant to be if that's the case.