Dating issues

[figureitout23]

I really don't think she's your soulmate at all - you had a few dates, the last date went down in flames. It just sounds like you two are not a good match. You shouldn't be having big fights so early on, especially not the first few dates. I would just let this one go and in the future, be more flexible with date plans.

 

I agree.

 

But thats not to say you two wont end up together

 

Just right now, both of your issues will probably ruin things.

 

I guess the question is, do you want to take responsibility for your issues, get help and pick things back up or white knuckle your way through this until it inevitably implodes.

[Smokey14151]

I agree.

 

But thats not to say you two wont end up together

 

Just right now, both of your issues will probably ruin things.

 

I guess the question is, do you want to take responsibility for your issues, get help and pick things back up or white knuckle your way through this until it inevitably implodes.

I know there is a deeper connection between us two. When people say you know, you know. I know, that’s all I have to say about the soulmate thing.

 

But I will say I agree with you I think it’s a good idea I don’t date, like I said in the earlier post. That is why I’ve decided to be frank and straight forward with her about the whole thing. Tell her why I think I did what I did. Then I’m probably gonna let her know I need some time. There’s a whole lot of history involved in this whole thing. A lot of that has clouded my judgement. I will say though that you guys(The ones that gave me good advice instead of just telling me it’s all bad and won’t workout.) have really helped me. So thankyou.

[Pleasedonot5]

Well, all of you are right that I overreacted. There is a bit more to the story that is kind of what made me mad. She said something earlier that had reminded me of something my ex said to me when we were about to break up. Although the girl I was with didn’t mean it in a bad way, when my ex said it, it was a bad thing. The premis of that was that my ex said I let her boss me around. Now there is a lot more to why this got on my nerves involving some family issues. That’s the main reason I acted like that. I didn’t consider how scared she must have been and I’m dumb for not seeing it. I see now I should apologize for it.

 

I think the thing that made me so mad was that the date could have been salvaged, but instead of realizing it was my fault I just kind of blamed it on her. She ended up calling me though. She said sorry and although I was mad at the time she kind of snapped me out of it. I didn’t really realize any of this till now and as soon as I get the chance I’m going to apologize to her.

Good on you. Glad it went your way, and I am happy you've made the realization that you should apologize for the overreaction.

[fwdthinker]

Perhaps this experience would be a good lead in to getting some counseling for yourself. It sounds as if you have some anger about your Dad and his wife that a counselor could help you work through. That would be your best bet at getting things on track with this girl if you feel strongly about her. Get your own house in order first.

 

And one more comment. Many women don't feel all that comfortable wearing a bathing suit in front of a date, either. So she could have said that as a way to ward off having to basically disrobe (on what sounds like an early/first date) but still spend time with you. That could also have been a factor. Just saying.

[SherrySher]

I think the most important distinction a person can make is the difference between being gentle and being someone who let's people walk all over them.

 

You don't need to be rough or mean to get respect. You also don't need to be cruel to stand up for yourself.

 

You can still have a backbone and have people respect you and treat you well, without anger. I can only think of one quick example at the moment but I know there are many, Gandhi, he was a soft spoken man, and yet an entire country followed him and many many others from all over the world respected him.

 

As long as your words have meaning and you don't let people treat you badly, then you will be alright.

And by not letting people treat you badly, you don't need to yell or be harsh, you can simply say "I don't like the way you're treating me" in an honest tone.

Anger get's no one anywhere and it makes people look like hotheads.

I personally think the people who lose their temper are actually the weaker type seeing as they have no self control.

It takes a lot of strength to control one's temper and still be respected

 

As far as it goes with this girl, all you need to do is be more open to discussing things with her. Make sure the lines of communication are always open and that you both understand where you're coming from. And be fair without belittling one another.

That's the only way a good relationship works.

 

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have learnt a lot from your fathers mistakes. I think you've done well on seeking advice to become a better man and a better partner.

[MissCanuck]

What my ex said didn’t dictate my behavior in anyway. What I was trying to say with that. Basically my home life is like this. I have a very rich father who remarried a gold digger. She basically runs his life runs his house and controlles his money. My ex told me that I was like my dad and didn’t stand up for myself enough. So when (other girl)she said that I let her boss me around I switched modes and have had this initiative to not be like my dad. In other words I was to focused on not letting her boss me around that it blinded me to the fact that she was scared and didn’t want to longboard. In other words your right due to certain life issues I’m facing right now. It’s probably a good idea I don’t date. But the truth is this girl knows a lot of this and understands that I’ve got a lot of going awn. That’s why I think she’s my soulmate because she helps me be better with all the things im bad at all the issues in my life. But not just that she does have low confidence and that’s what I bring to the table for her. I have more confidence than anyone I know.

 

How is that not letting your ex dictate your behaviour?

 

Look, when you hold a current partner emotional hostage for an ex's or your dad's wife's mistakes, there is a problem. Now that you realize this, what are you going to do to address it? This current girl might forgive you for throwing a tantrum this time, but if you keep it up, this soul mate of yours is going to leave you to longboard all by yourself for good. She won't forget how you behaved, even if she has decided to give it another shot. Remember that before you fly off the handle next time.

[catfeeder]

For an example, my friend, through her actions, made us miss the first twenty minutes of a concert. I didn't say anything negative to her and tried to enjoy the rest of the concert. For one thing, bringing it up would ruin both of our experiences for the rest of the evening. For another thing, preserving the good feelings of our friendship was worth more than a bad beginning to the evening. Basically, I just decided it was the last concert I'd attend with her, but I'd still invite her to do other things that weren't time critical.

 

This is a terrific example of how to think 'on the spot' and consider your bigger goals in any given situation. Most of us didn't have conscious enough parents to teach us this crucial life skill, so it's something we need to figure out and practice in real life until we get it.

 

When my temper is triggered I find it helpful to pretend that I'm dealing with a client on a work event--and my boss is watching. Can I be I fluid and flexible enough to roll with disappointment to 'smooth out' the rest of the event?

 

I remind myself that I'll have MORE OPTIONS LATER if I can curb my reactions right now.

 

If her self esteem was a little higher, she wouldn't have apologized. She would've thought: I'm glad he's showing me who he really is so early on so I didn't waste my time with more dates.

 

Yep. This is the down side of dominating another person. If they'll put up with that, you don't exactly 'win,' because you won't respect them--and then, what kind of relationship is that? Can you really enjoy having a lover or friend who is not your equal?

 

Moving forward, think about how you'd like to be treated in any given situation, and act that way yourself. You can never go wrong treating someone how you'd like to be treated.

 

Double yes! This is a skill of flipping your position with your 'offender'. Did they intend to cause you offense? If not, then imagine how lousy they already feel for the mistake and decide how compounding that could possibly benefit anyone as you move forward. If they DID intend an offense, then imagine how lousy the already feel about themselves to make them want to offend anyone else. This buys you the room to exit the situation gracefully without creating any bigger problems--then you can avoid that person in the future.

[bluecastle]

You're getting great advice here, and it's nice to see that you're listening.

 

Look, we all have baggage. An ex or two or four who threw us for a loop. Lousy parents. While all that can lead us to behave in less than ideal ways, it's not an excuse. You want to become aware of all this so you're not governed by it, so next time you're in a similar situation you can feel that primal reaction surfacing but not let it control you, and in the process sabotage something.

 

Take some time to process, to be alone with yourself. Therapy can be great. Because it's not fair for a new person to have to bare the weight of all that came before. That's our job, and we do it so we can connect to new people deeply and healthily.

[catfeeder]

Look, we all have baggage. An ex or two or four who threw us for a loop. Lousy parents. While all that can lead us to behave in less than ideal ways, it's not an excuse.

 

True. We each get to decide whether we will compound the mistakes of our parents in our adult lives--or overcome them. Excusing lousy behavior by blaming our upbringing is one option, and it brings consequences that just keep making life more difficult. Changing lousy habits by replacing those with better habits brings improved outcomes that just keep making life simpler.

 

We get to pick.

[Annia]

God, chill dude.