Here's the update! And now I want your help to detox from him, forever!

[Elavohra]

Honestly, the more you say, the more it sounds like you and he were on two completely different pages.

 

He was into "intimacy" talks, which I assume means sexting. Is that correct? Then he tells you he still has feelings for his ex, after 3 years. This guy wasn't looking for something serious from you, by the sounds of it. He was having a bit a fun but not really looking to date.

 

Yes, into sexting he was, when I said I want to go slow he'll end up saying he like to keep the spark in the relationship. Wow, sexting is the spark and rest of the things are, I am getting too attached to him! Such a b*stard he's.

You're right he was just not into dating, all he wanted was the FUN! Screw him!

[Elavohra]

Next time you meet a man, go on an actual date with him. See him in person, get to know him in person, then decide if he's worth your time.

 

But texting? It's all made up nonsense and fantasy.

 

You're absolutely right! It was made up nonsense fantasy. Complete bullsh*t it is! And giving him any further importance after hearing all this from him, I should have a little self respect to not to talk to him ever again.

[Elavohra]

Did you think of him as your boyfriend?

 

NO! a big no! See, what I am not liking is- he wanted me to say yes, to date him. I did.. later he wanted to quit things between us, I did, later he wanted us to be friends, I did that too... and now all he says is I got way too attached, I felt it as a humiliation where at the end all the mistakes, everything has come over me. Not only that, I am feeling bad for loosing him as a friend also, this is my weakness where I always try to have cordial relationship after an argument or something like that but people end up thinking I am surrendering, a girl with no standards. :(

[MissCanuck]

It isn't necessary to maintain a cordial relationship with this guy, OP.

 

Just stop talking to him.

[Elavohra]

It isn't necessary to maintain a cordial relationship with this guy, OP.

 

Just stop talking to him.

 

Just doing what you're saying, ma'am! Doing my chores and so far I have not yet gotten any sort of craving to text him!

I hope you'll help me to keep reminding me to raise my standards and stop being a people pleaser!

Thank you so much!

[SherrySher]

You're doing great, Elavohra.

[Wiseman2]

All the anxiety you have is in fact the primary reason you are engaging in this texting drama. As a distraction. So you do want a distraction and this drama is what you seek out. You are certainly not looking for dating or bfs, since you know this is not that. And you have no desire to pursue anything real like that. Basically this situation replaces a romance novel or rom-com as a form of entertainment, drama, etc.

I don't want to have distractions.

[Elavohra]

All the anxiety you have is in fact a reason you are engaging in this texting drama. As a distraction. So you do want a distraction and this drama is what you seek out.

 

Can you be a little more specific? How come I can appreciate all this drama in my life? How come anyone appreciate such dramas in their respective lives?

[Elavohra]

You're doing great, Elavohra.

 

Hopefully my friend, hopefully!

[Hollyj]

Can you be a little more specific? How come I can appreciate all this drama in my life? How come anyone appreciate such dramas in their respective lives?

 

Perhaps, it feels familiar. You also choose people where there is no future. A healthy relationship - you do not have a relationship with this guy - does not have so much nonsense going on.

 

And, why are you sexting with him? This clearly shows he only wants sex. You are lacking key boundaries with men.

[bluecastle]

It is 100 percent human to look for distractions from ourselves. We do it by chilling out and watching TV. Video games. Hobbies. Whatever. Me, when I get pent up I tend to take my motorcycle for a ride—it's fun, a little dramatic, keeps life interesting. Dangerous, sure, but I find it more rewarding than, say, texting with six different women on dating apps. That's just noise for the sake of noise, posturing as human connection.

 

What people are saying is that you're kind of using this whole thing to create drama. It fills time, provides a little jolt of excitement, a little jolt of confusion, a little jolt of hope— a kind of addictive cycle. But ultimately it doesn't get you anything, and prevents you from living your fullest life.

 

So maybe the lesson here is to be a bit more intentional in who you engage with, how you engage, and why you're engaging. There's nothing wrong, say, with sexting a near-stranger. It can be fun! But it needs to be recognized as just that, rather than some path toward a traditional relationship.

 

Like, I love eating ice cream, because it's...well, ice cream. But I don't mistake it for being a salad, you know?

[Elavohra]

Perhaps, it feels familiar. You also choose people where there is no future. A healthy relationship - you do not have a relationship with this guy - does not have so much nonsense going on.

 

And, why are you sexting with him? This clearly shows he only wants sex. You are lacking key boundaries with men.

 

Oh wow! Didn't know that I have crossed my boundaries. Thank you, for letting me know that! Thank you for letting me know, that it's always my mistakes! And he began the sexting not I, he very well know I was not into sexting but later I do accept I talked about kisses and touches on my neck, waist and back, nothing more than this. But still, I get it, I should have not even talked about this as well.

Now tell me, can I again define my boundaries? And stick with it? And always be in my limits.

[Elavohra]

It is 100 percent human to look for distractions from ourselves. We do it by chilling out and watching TV. Video games. Hobbies. Whatever. Me, when I get pent up I tend to take my motorcycle for a ride—it's fun, a little dramatic, keeps life interesting. Dangerous, sure, but I find it more rewarding than, say, texting with six different women on dating apps. That's just noise for the sake of noise, posturing as human connection.

 

What people are saying is that you're kind of using this whole thing to create drama. It fills time, provides a little jolt of excitement, a little jolt of confusion, a little jolt of hope— a kind of addictive cycle. But ultimately it doesn't get you anything, and prevents you from living your fullest life.

 

So maybe the lesson here is to be a bit more intentional in who you engage with, how you engage, and why you're engaging. There's nothing wrong, say, with sexting a near-stranger. It can be fun! But it needs to be recognized as just that, rather than some path toward a traditional relationship.

 

Like, I love eating ice cream, because it's...well, ice cream. But I don't mistake it for being a salad, you know?

 

I am 100% getting what you're saying! It's high time that I should raise my standards, and never ever be people pleasure and allow others to sabotage me

[boltnrun]

Why are you asking for permissions to set and enforce boundaries? You don't need strangers on the internet's permission to decide what is right and not right for you.

 

Are you in the habit of allowing others to decide what YOU are going to do? If so, why? Are you afraid if you say "no" to someone they'll get mad and abandon you?

[Elavohra]

Why are you asking for permissions to set and enforce boundaries? You don't need strangers on the internet's permission to decide what is right and not right for you.

 

Are you in the habit of allowing others to decide what YOU are going to do? If so, why? Are you afraid if you say "no" to someone they'll get mad and abandon you?

 

Well, that's what! This is where I lag behind. Yes, I get afraid what if they'll abandon me, what if I'll loose them, what if I'll end up hurting their feelings. But when it comes to others they don't take a single thought what if they'll loose me. You just catch me right.

I want to be a fuc*ing bold woman, and independent enough to take my decisions own my own but deep inside I am totally opposite of who I want to be! :/

[boltnrun]

Look into Codependency. Read the book "Codependent No More".

 

Codependent people are so fearful of being abandoned that they will do anything just so no one will ever leave them, even bankrupt themselves, do things that go against their own moral code, even things that are illegal. They fear abandonment and being "alone" more than anything in the world.

 

It's possible to overcome this, but first the person needs to admit this, then seek help. There are groups for codependent people. They are a great resource for support and help.

[Elavohra]

Look into Codependency. Read the book "Codependent No More".

 

Codependent people are so fearful of being abandoned that they will do anything just so no one will ever leave them, even bankrupt themselves, do things that go against their own moral code, even things that are illegal. They fear abandonment and being "alone" more than anything in the world.

 

It's possible to overcome this, but first the person needs to admit this, then seek help. There are groups for codependent people. They are a great resource for support and help.

 

Okay, I will definitely read this! I am in dire need of this. Also can you suggest me the ways to begin practice codependency? And can I have the free pdf link of this book? I can't afford to buy this book.

[Wiseman2]

You have the internet so you can google and research things yourself. Part of the problem id wanting to be spoon fed, by this text guy and what else?

[Hollyj]

Oh wow! Didn't know that I have crossed my boundaries. Thank you, for letting me know that! Thank you for letting me know, that it's always my mistakes! And he began the sexting not I, he very well know I was not into sexting but later I do accept I talked about kisses and touches on my neck, waist and back, nothing more than this. But still, I get it, I should have not even talked about this as well.

Now tell me, can I again define my boundaries? And stick with it? And always be in my limits.

 

If someone starts sexting that you DO NOT have a physical relationship with, you shut it down. It shows that they are only interested in sex. You block them at that point.

 

Move on from this guy. I do not get your attachment. Expect more for yourself.

 

I strongly suggest you enhance your social life, then maybe you will not settle for any attention that comes your way.

[Elavohra]

You have the internet so you can google and research things yourself. Part of the problem id wanting to be spoon fed, by this text guy and what else?

 

I googled it already this si why asking him/her whether she/ he is aware of any links?

Jesus, I know I am fool, but I am not that fool who's not going to check out first. I checked it and didn't find any link.

[Elavohra]

If someone starts sexting that you DO NOT have a physical relationship with, you shut it down. It shows that they are only interested in sex. You block them at that point.

 

Move on from this guy. I do not get your attachment. Expect more for yourself.

 

I strongly suggest you enhance your social life, then maybe you will not settle for any attention that comes your way.

 

I reckon your suggestions. Thank you so much and it means a lot to me. Let me work upon myself and let me see whether I have really learnt lessons from my mistakes and have changed myself or still is the same fool.

[Hollyj]

I reckon your suggestions. Thank you so much and it means a lot to me. Let me work upon myself and let me see whether I have really learnt lessons from my mistakes and have changed myself or still is the same fool.

 

You're not a fool. You simply need to improve your self esteem and make your life more full, then you will not be dependent on others for validation and attention.

 

I hope that you have blocked and deleted this clown?

[boltnrun]

Okay, I will definitely read this! I am in dire need of this. Also can you suggest me the ways to begin practice codependency? And can I have the free pdf link of this book? I can't afford to buy this book.

 

I did give suggestions, but here they are again:

Read the book (free at the library )

Find meetings for Codependents Anonymous (free)

Look into therapy (cost depends on your insurance )

[Elavohra]

You're not a fool. You simply need to improve your self esteem and make your life more full, then you will not be dependent on others for validation and attention.

 

I hope that you have blocked and deleted this clown?

 

Well, I have not blocked and deleted him, but yes, I have not talked to him. Neither he has texted me nor did I.

And I am definitely going to work upon my self esteem now. I'll watch as many as videos and will read as many as articles and will practice it daily! I hope I'll begin seeing results in me.

[SherrySher]

I googled codependent no more free pdf and actually a few links came up that deal with codependency...I hope you're able to find them and that they will help.

 

I think you're making really good choices for yourself in terms of healing and becoming a better self. The bottom line is, do this for yourself, take care of yourself and be strong for yourself.

You don't need to do those things for a man! You matter more and you deserve better.