Potential break-up advice

[lightwelter]

As with many posts on this forum, this will probably be a lengthy post, but I'll try and keep it as short as possible.

 

First off, the great thing with these forums is that you can be completely honest, because no one knows who you are, and so I want to be totally honest about the way I've acted, and the way my girlfriend (or, potentially ex girlfriend now) has acted.

 

About 2 months ago my girlfriend went abroad to volunteer in Africa for 8 weeks. Prior to her leaving, everything was perfect, and we spent every last minute together before she left. She left me notes hidden around my apartment saying she loves me, she'll miss me etc, which was incredibly sweet and touching. We have an incredible bond, and things were unbelievably good between us.

 

While she was there, I started to get strange vibes from her, and it was all very sudden. I asked her for reassurance that things between us were going to be ok, and we would do all the things we spoke about doing when she returned. Her response was "I don't get why you need reassurance, I haven't done anything", and that she may be "too tired" for me to meet her at the airport when she returns, despite the fact we had spoken about this for weeks before she left. Immediately this made me more worried, anxious, and ultimately obsessive, because my gut feeling was telling me this was over. My huge mistake was that I didn't leave her alone, I kept messaging her, became angry that she couldn't give me reassurance, and ultimately pushed her away. While this was my mistake, I have been there for her on countless occasions over the last few months. I've sat with her at the hospital, helped her with her studies, held her hand when she went to the doctors to get blood taken (she's petrified of it), and been there to try and encourage her and lift her spirits when she was blue. While I never did any of these things in order to get anything in return, this was the only time I needed her to be there for me emotionally, and a simple message saying "I love you, don't worry, we're going to be fine", and everything would have instantly been OK.

 

Things became very heated, because on top of everything I found out she had been messaging an ex boyfriend. This happened because she left me with her Mac, and when you receive phone messages, they show up on your Mac. She hadn't messaged me in a few days while she'd been out there, and I noticed she'd been in contact with him. The messages in my eyes were also pretty suggestive, it very much looked like she was trying to reconnect with him and show him she still had feelings, only weeks later did she explain what the messages really meant. This made me very angry and I confronted her about it, which only exacerbated things further. While I know it was wrong to read the messages, I think it's only natural that if you think there is something going on behind your back, then you are probably going to give into temptation and click on the message, as I did. She clearly became very angry with me, and said some pretty hurtful things, such as "I'm not sexually attracted to you" and "I don't miss you". I don't know if she is saying these things to hurt me because she's angry, or whether she's telling the truth, but either way hearing my girlfriend (who I love and am immensely attracted to) is like a dagger to the heart, and it's not something I'll forget in a hurry. I have lost sexual attraction to partners, but I would never tell them that because that would crush a person.

 

She came back and by then I knew she was going to end it. I told her to let the dust settle on the last 8 weeks, where I'd annoyed her, been persistent, but ultimately frustrated that she couldn't give me the reassurance I was looking for. So we're going to wait a month and see how she feels. Right now, I don't want to lose her, but I would never hurt her or say hurtful things to her, and part of me wonders if I should be with someone who can be so ruthless and cold. The difficult part is not getting in touch with her, as I've missed her intensely for 8 weeks, and I have to try my best to avoid all contact now.

 

I don't know whether to hold on to this relationship and hope that things will be ok, whether to send her a letter in a few weeks time to let her know I'm thinking of her (without contacting via text or social media). I have made mistakes by not leaving things alone while she was away, but like I said, one simple warm message from her would have changed everything, and I don't feel like being a little annoying and persistent is enough reason to end a relationship. Any advice or thoughts on these issues would be greatly appreciated.

[thealchemist]

You seem well aware of your errors in dealing with this situation so no point going there.

 

You behaved in a pretty clingy way, but it also sounds like you were reacting to something very real.

 

Now, I don't think you handled it well.

 

However, I also don't think you handling it badly actually made any difference with the situation.

 

To me it seems like you sensed her pulling back and freaked out in a not so mature way. I can understand your reactions.

 

But she pulled away a lot. Was in communication with and ex, with the tone of reconciliation. Then told you some pretty hateful things, whether true or not, it doesn't really matter.

 

Sorry buddy, but o see no way that you could work it out.

 

She seems done. Even with giving it time, it sounds like that was her way of softening the blow to you.

 

I would imagine she has no intention of getting back with you.

 

Life is too short to try to convince someone to see your value, it is also vert futile.

[lightwelter]

Thanks for your reply and honestly.

 

This has happened once before in our relationship. There has never been a time when we're together that things aren't perfect. It seems that when she leaves, that's when problems arise. Last Christmas, she went home for the holidays and the same thing happened. We had an argument, which was ultimately trivial, and she then changed her tone, which again made me freak out, and push her away further, a bit of a vicious cycle!

 

The thing is, she came back to me after that episode. I shut her out and was trying to move on with my life, but she was very honest about the whole situation, and I took her back. I felt like it was such a good decision because we fell in love and had an amazing few months together.

 

She said that if I hadn't been so needy while she was away in Africa, we might not be in this situation, which kind of gives me hope. She also says she still loves me. This is why I said wait for a month. Once she's over the anger and frustration of how I acted, she can see things more clearly, as can I.

 

But I see what you're saying, I know that had I been in her situation and she asked me for reassurance, I would have gone out my way to give her it. I can understand when relationships go stale, you get sick of each other, stop enjoying each others company, start arguing a lot etc, but that's not what's happened, we've always had something incredibly special which only comes along a few times in a lifetime. It seems a shame to throw it all away!

[thealchemist]

You forgave her and gave her another chance.

 

Now she did it again.

 

What do you think your future will hold?

 

I honestly don't understand why she wouldn't give you some reassurance.

 

When my wife and I were in a LDR we would frequently reassure one another.

 

Her talking to an ex speaks volumes though.

 

When pressure is put on your relationship, instead of talking with you and addressing it, she turns to a former lover for a distraction.

 

She very well could still love you. That isn't the problem. It is that she doesn't know what she wants. That is why she will continue to hurt you, loving you just makes her motivation more sincere.

 

If she loses sight of what you guys have every time you aren't around, you either need to end it because you can't trust her, or you have essentially constantly mark her as your territory, which is beyond rediculous.

[Chris12189]

Seems like shes going to try things with the ex again....whens the last time those two dated do you know?

[lightwelter]

I don't think that's what's going to happen. He's with someone else, but they have always been good friends and they only had a short relationship. I miss-read the situation with those two, but in anyone's eyes the message she sent made it look like she still had feelings. He messaged her saying, I'm back with my ex now, she replied saying "my loss". Weeks later she said that what she meant was that because he was back with his ex, who holds something against her, they won't be able to be friends anymore, hence the "my loss". I do trust her when she says that, because I never thought she is someone that would go behind my back and send out signals to an ex boyfriend.

 

I'm really down about the whole situation and wish we could have done the things we spoke about before she left. The sudden nature of it all was what was so difficult to understand. I didn't help myself while she was away, but I'm trying to keep myself busy now and focus on more important things. 80% of me wants her back because we had something very special, but she's inflicted a lot of damage with some of the things she said and how cold she's been with me, and it would take a lot on her part for me to get past those things.

[lightwelter]

Yep, you're probably right. She has another year in the same city as me, but she wants to go off and travel and see the world.

 

I agree with what you say in regards to losing sight of what we have when I'm not around. It's hard because I miss her intensely, while she barely missed me at all (even if that was because I became needy). There is a part of me that thinks, who knows what could have been if I hadn't messaged her at all while she was away. Maybe she would have missed me, maybe things would have been ok, and so in that sense I regret how I acted, even if I feel she initiated and exacerbated my feelings of anxiety about what was going on.

 

I certainly wouldn't say I'd marked her as my territory. I know she's friends with lots of guys, goes to lunch with some of them as friends, but I never saw a problem with this because I was always getting a lot of love and affection from her, and I trusted her. The difference in this scenario is that I stopped getting that love and affection, which is what drove me to read her message.

 

Things have ended on bad terms and that's a shame. At the very least I'd like to wait a month and talk about things without the anger of the last few weeks.

[giraffeprint]

Sounds like she’s lost/ losing interest. My ex has said similar things to me before. The way I see it is, would you ever say those things to her? Have you ever felt that way about her? Even though she somewhat retracted her statements you can’t ignore the truth that she told you. When ppl show their true colors in that way, you can’t ignore it

[DancingFool]

"She has another year in the same city as me, but she wants to go off and travel and see the world."

 

Given your relationship history plus the above, I simply don't think that she is at a point in life to be in a committed relationship period. Your relationship already has an expiration date. If I were you, I'd spare myself more pain and let her go. Once she gets the travel and be free bug out of her system, if that ever leaves her as it might not, then who knows. You two might reconnect down the road and things might work out if you both happen to be single and interested still. Meanwhile, don't hold your breath. It just sounds like she has some wild oats to sow before she can settle down and be a full time gf to anyone.

[LightWave93]

Walk away.

 

She's prioritizing talking to an ex over you. That is NEVER a good sign, plus you said it was suggestive.

 

You've made mistakes, sure, and I suggest you learn from them for next time, but this relationship is dead or dying; she's not over her ex, she's pulling away as a result of that and maybe other circumstances (your behavior etc). As for "not being sexually attracted to you", that doesn't just come from nothing. Take it as the truth, because it's either two things; no one says that unless they mean it, or she's doing it to insult you which is indicative of immaturity.

[MissCanuck]

It seems your relationship has reached its expiration date.

 

She was losing interest and put the feelers out to her ex. Again. She said some pretty hurtful things to you, which probably sadly hold a grain of truth for her (ie. not being attracted to you) She's also got plans to take off on a traveling adventure.

 

In short, she was on her way out even if you hadn't reacted the way you did to her pulling back.

[lightwelter]

Yep, as much as I'd like to think she wasn't putting the feelers out, she was initiating pretty much every message, he sent her a song and she replied saying "this song always reminds me of you", all of it looked like she was indeed putting the feelers out. That's why I think he told her he was back with his ex, to get her to back off. She said she was messaging him because they were really good friends, he had donated money towards her fundraising for the trip away. But then so did a lot of people, so did a lot of friends. I think that putting out the feelers towards an ex whilst still in a relationship is the wrong thing to do. As much as I didn't react well, everything I have done was pretty petty (e.g. being needy, reading messages), and I never questioned my love for her and it does make me angry that after all the times I was there for her, she couldn't be here for me this once and she forgot about everything we had.

 

The frustrating thing is she came back to me before, and as good as things were between us, it's not really worth the pain and heartache I feel. I hope one day she realises what she lost, because made every effort to make her feel loved and appreciated.

 

It's complicated, but she has had problems with sex in the past and hadn't been with anyone for 18 months prior to me, primarily because of her issues with sex (which I won't go into). I tried to be understanding and considerate about her problems, and we took things slow in that department (despite the relationship starting with a lot of clear sexual attraction between the two of us). I feel like she needed to be with someone she loved and trusted to get past those issues, which she did (she became a lot more comfortable with sex). She didn't want is as much or as frequently as I did, but she always put that down to her issues with sex which I understood. After all her issues and insecurities, it angers me that she could come out and say she's not sexually attracted to me, because I always there for her throughout her problems with sex and her feelings of inadequacy and being unattractive. It's quite a brutal and harsh thing to say, and it's something that I'd keep to myself if I felt it towards a partner.

[giraffeprint]

Yeah that is a very mean thing to say to you, and her behavior definitely shows you what you need to see. I don’t think you should go back to it. Sometimes you really have to put your foot down and set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate. The more you allow the worse it will get.

[ShatteredMan]

Walk away.

 

She's prioritizing talking to an ex over you. That is NEVER a good sign, plus you said it was suggestive.

 

You've made mistakes, sure, and I suggest you learn from them for next time, but this relationship is dead or dying; she's not over her ex, she's pulling away as a result of that and maybe other circumstances (your behavior etc). As for "not being sexually attracted to you", that doesn't just come from nothing. Take it as the truth, because it's either two things; no one says that unless they mean it, or she's doing it to insult you which is indicative of immaturity.

 

Absolutely. She will keep this ex in her life as a backup as long as you accept this behavior and situation. I saw walk away and mean it.

 

There are many women out there that won't pull this crap on you.