How can such a connection simply just fade?

[Essence123]

It's kind of hard to adjust to the fact that things can end just like that. We've met back in 2013 and instantly developed a strong connection.

It hasn't been a smooth friendship, we've had our share of ups and downs but always managed not to lose what we had.

I don't know why was it meant to go that way but when I finally decided to let my best friend know of my feelings for him, he was already involved with someone else. Talking to him about it, he kept telling me that I never gave him enough hints, he thought I felt sympathy towards him. Apparently, he did feel something too but managed to move on from it because he thought it wasn't reciprocated.

 

I wouldn't call what we had a pure friendship, there was udnerstanding and everything but there has always been something that neither one of us understood. But now that he's involved it was hard to me to still be close to him, things now have gotten complicated and I knew it wasn't right that I remain his close friend any more.

I simply told him that it was hard for me and we stopped talking ever since. It's been a few months now and although it's been painful that he hid his relationship and chose to save his relationship over our friendship, or the fact that he let me choose to leave and didn't fight enough for me, or us even as friends, sometimes I just wonder if there will ever come a time when we can talk about it again, know where we went wrong even if we don't go back to being as close as we used to, I still have so many things that are left unspoken.

 

Sometimes I miss him, but I don't want to initiate contact again. I mean, if he wanted to reach out, he would have, right?

We've had this exceptional connection for years, could such a thing simply just disappear?

[Andrina]

Yes, these sorts of friendships have an expiration date. It's not good for a primary relationship when one's best friend is someone who wanted more than being just friends. Your future bf, also, won't appreciate you regularly communicating with a friend who you wished would've been your bf.

 

It's time to let your life evolve, and be proactive about it. Life experiences are not without pain. Your friendship is something you can have good memories of, but it was never meant to last forever. If it's a bf you want, then you need to start putting your time and emotional energy into that goal. That means getting over your crush on your friend, so keep up no contact. As Gwyneth Paltrow said so many years ago about how she healed when her relationship with Brad Pitt ended: Time and girlfriends

[SGH]

Connection is overrated - great and maybe even essential in long-term arrangements, but also an element of relationships that's importance gets overestimated. Compatible feelings and values, as well as the basics of love, care, trust, and respect are much more important. The fact is, whatever perceived connection you had wasn't enough to make this guy upgrade your pseudo-friendship into a bonafide committed relationship. Time to take him off the pedestal and move on.

[MissCanuck]

Unfortunately, these sorts of friendships don't usually survive the test of time, especially when one party starts a relationship with someone else. He needs to draw a boundary, knowing you like him, to preserve his relationship. Expecting him to "fight" for you is unrealistic, considering you were never together. It wouldn't be appropriate for him to continue a close friendship with you under these circumstances.

 

The amazing connection you felt was evidently not exactly the same for him. Not anymore, anyway. I am sorry you're hurting, but it really is for the best that you two are not in contact anymore.

 

EDIT: Is this the same friend from your 2016 thread?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=518850

 

And from another thread, a few months ago?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=546331

 

If so, then with kindness, you need to see that this was never the great friendship you believed it was. You've been harboring feelings for a long time, but I don't see that he's ever really reciprocated or even matched your efforts in the friendship.

[glitterfingers]

Haven't read the other threads, but would seem to me like he is just going about his life and not overly concerned about the fate of the friendship...that probably comes with an assumption that you guys will work it out over time if you're to stay friends, and that if you don't work it out then it's probably not a friendship worth holding onto.

 

I'd say at this point that while you may have common interests/values and a bond formed over the years, the "connection" you're referring to is your feelings towards him. For the time being, the emotional distance is appropriate until you've had a chance to move on.

[Essence123]

Yes, these sorts of friendships have an expiration date. It's not good for a primary relationship when one's best friend is someone who wanted more than being just friends. Your future bf, also, won't appreciate you regularly communicating with a friend who you wished would've been your bf.

 

It's time to let your life evolve, and be proactive about it. Life experiences are not without pain. Your friendship is something you can have good memories of, but it was never meant to last forever. If it's a bf you want, then you need to start putting your time and emotional energy into that goal. That means getting over your crush on your friend, so keep up no contact. As Gwyneth Paltrow said so many years ago about how she healed when her relationship with Brad Pitt ended: Time and girlfriends

 

To be honest, I AM doing better now than when this first happened, so I hope that means progress. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met him, still not but I've definitely been trying to widen my circle. Sometimes I feel like it might have been my fault and I just drown in these thoughts every now and then.

[Essence123]

Unfortunately, these sorts of friendships don't usually survive the test of time, especially when one party starts a relationship with someone else. He needs to draw a boundary, knowing you like him, to preserve his relationship. Expecting him to "fight" for you is unrealistic, considering you were never together. It wouldn't be appropriate for him to continue a close friendship with you under these circumstances.

 

The amazing connection you felt was evidently not exactly the same for him. Not anymore, anyway. I am sorry you're hurting, but it really is for the best that you two are not in contact anymore.

 

EDIT: Is this the same friend from your 2016 thread?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=518850

 

And from another thread, a few months ago?

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=546331

 

If so, then with kindness, you need to see that this was never the great friendship you believed it was. You've been harboring feelings for a long time, but I don't see that he's ever really reciprocated or even matched your efforts in the friendship.

 

Yes, as awful as it may sound in those two threads, we've had some good moments maybe even after my last thread about him last earlier this year. I guess, he was still digesting the fact that I might've had feelings for him since a really long time and he was really understanding and open about how he felt back then too.

 

Let me tell you about this incidence from where things have started to change dramatically. We met this time in front of a coffee shop so that I'd hand him his birthday gift "like I did every year" and I could tell that he loved it. He kept gushing about how perfect it was and we had this long moment of silence and it felt sad, really sad for as long as it lasted. I was trying to be light and friendly but he just kept looking at me like I was his most favorite person in the whole world. He thanked me over and over and we stood there, just completely speechless. As we shook hands while we were leaving, he held my hands longer and tighter than usual and didn't let go until I did. He left, but called me again to say how much he loved it.

Afterwards, I was still being just a friend to him, sending him memes, telling him about my day but he was slowly pulling back. So now, I could tell that it went back to that day.

 

I don't know, maybe I hate to deny that I wasted 5 years being a better friend to him than he was, because that'll make it revolve all around the feelings I had for him, which isn't true.

But you're definitely right, because he said it that I have many things he lack.

[Batya33]

To be honest, I AM doing better now than when this first happened, so I hope that means progress. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I met him, still not but I've definitely been trying to widen my circle. Sometimes I feel like it might have been my fault and I just drown in these thoughts every now and then.

 

You don't have to give "hints" except in rare circumstances where it's a coworker (so he might need a real hint so as not to risk offending a coworker) or if you declined a date with him and then changed your mind -then no hints -just "hey I should have said yes when you asked me out"- If he needed 'hints" he wasn't that into you. And if you knew he was involved with someone else then sharing those feelings isn't the most friendly, let's just say.

 

I'm sorry he didn't feel the same and since it wasn't really a friendship -you wanted to be with him so certainly you don't want to hear about his other women, who he is into, etc - then it really can't continue out of respect for his partner. But no it wasn't your fault as to why you two never dated -he simply wasn't that interested in you in that way.

[catfeeder]

when I finally decided to let my best friend know of my feelings for him, he was already involved with someone else.

 

This makes no sense. If the connection was so fabulous for so many years, why wasn't your communication about this clear long before he took up with someone else?

 

I think you might be glamorizing exactly how mutual this connection really was.

[Essence123]

This makes no sense. If the connection was so fabulous for so many years, why wasn't your communication about this clear long before he took up with someone else?

 

I think you might be glamorizing exactly how mutual this connection really was.

 

Well, it's a little tricky to explain the course of the friendship throughout the past 5 years. We definitely started out a lot closer than how we ended up and we began to drift apart slowly since like 2 years ago. But back then again, we spoke about it and he asked for a second chance and we gradually started resuming our closeness.

5 years ago, communication was a lot easier compared to how it was even after we said we'd give it another shot. It was not just a matter of mutual interests or values. We were able to open up about things we usually don't talk about, even when he wasn't the kind of guy who wouldn't do that, he was so good at acting like he's alright while he was still grieving. Then we were no longer the same when this girl became friends with him, he wasn't as open as he used to, to the extend of actually letting everyone know that he's with her except for me.

I hope I was able to clarify that I wasn't making up a close friendship with a guy just because I developed feelings for him.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like you've grown apart and this happens more so when someone has a new relationship. You did the right thing. Now you are free and clear to pursue someone available as love interest.

I finally decided to let my best friend know of my feelings for him, he was already involved with someone else. I simply told him that it was hard for me and we stopped talking ever since.

[catfeeder]

Well, it's a little tricky to explain the course of the friendship throughout the past 5 years. We definitely started out a lot closer than how we ended up and we began to drift apart slowly since like 2 years ago. But back then again, we spoke about it and he asked for a second chance and we gradually started resuming our closeness.

5 years ago, communication was a lot easier compared to how it was even after we said we'd give it another shot. It was not just a matter of mutual interests or values. We were able to open up about things we usually don't talk about, even when he wasn't the kind of guy who wouldn't do that, he was so good at acting like he's alright while he was still grieving. Then we were no longer the same when this girl became friends with him, he wasn't as open as he used to, to the extend of actually letting everyone know that he's with her except for me.

I hope I was able to clarify that I wasn't making up a close friendship with a guy just because I developed feelings for him.

 

No, I don't believe you've made it up, I just don't think you've answered your own question. You had YEARS to establish how you felt about the guy, and you waited until he took up with someone else to do that?