Feelings for my best friend

So I wrote about this guy before, we've been friends for 4 years now. Briefly, this guy was grieving when I first met him and we had a remarkable connection, became close in such a short time. Everyone around us thought we were a thing but I was sure he wasn't ready for anything at that time. He was clear about it because he told me he didn't want to get attached to anyone after the loss of his sister. I cared a great deal about him, I wanted to help him heal and get better and just be a good friend to him. He's shown a lot of interest in me, my life, family. I started getting some sort of mixed signals. I wasn't sure if my feelings were anything beyond friendship because I wasn't letting myself or because we're only just friends.

We grew apart at some point when he became friends with 2 new girls, I started feeling like a second-option and because it was too much for me to handle his new attitude with me, I told him I wanted to cut connections with him until he knows what's gone wrong with him and fix it.

Few months later, we reconnected, he asked for a second chance because he didn't want to lose me and we became just as close as we once were. He was a lot warmer than the person I knew 4 years ago. He seemed to be doing better, he was again very keen about me and being there when I needed a friend, he would go out of his way to meet me or call me and I was happy. He was better and we were better, too.

Throughout the past 4 years, I grew to admire him as a person more. Although we've had our share of arguments and at times I got really mad at him, I knew how kind he is and he was always keen about his friendship with me.

Recently, I asked him about this girl he's friends with, because we once met and he told me how much she liked me and that he didn't expect us to actually get along. I asked him if they're actually a thing and he told me that they are but he didn't want it to affect us or how close we are. Of course, I told him that it won't and that I'm happy he's a changed man because of her but he kept asking if I was angry at him and I kept saying otherwise.

To be honest, I tried to get over the feelings I have for him for a very long while, I got out and met new people and everything but it always came back to him. So, it tore me to know that I couldn't help him but she did and that she let me put his guard down and actually open up to getting into a relationship again. I was this close to actually telling him how I feel before I ask if they were together but now since it's too late I just would like to know if he's ever felt anything towards me, too?

I don't want to get in the way of their relationship now but as much as I'm trying to be the same friend to him, it's very difficult to me to actually be his friend while I still care this much about him.

I'm torn in between what's right and I feel.

My question is, what would knowing if he ever had feelings for you do for you? If he says he did at some point, well, he's in a relationship now. Would you then push him to give you a chance? That wouldn't be welcome, if he and this girl are happy together. I think he knows of your feelings; that's why he kept asking if you were mad that he was with her. Would him saying he never did set you free of him? Either way, the question will probably only make him uncomfortable.

I think it's ok (not ideal considering he has a girlfriend) if you want to, to tell him how you feel about him, but then leave the ball in his court. Don't expect anything; you're only telling him to make it clear and get it off your chest. I guess it would serve to open the door to him in case he ever wants to be more with you. Unfortunately I think you know the answers, so if you really value the friendship, then don't do it. Keep looking for an available guy; I think you're going to have to anyway.

My question is, what would knowing if he ever had feelings for you do for you? If he says he did at some point, well, he's in a relationship now. Would you then push him to give you a chance? That wouldn't be welcome, if he and this girl are happy together. I think he knows of your feelings; that's why he kept asking if you were mad that he was with her. Would him saying he never did set you free of him? Either way, the question will probably only make him uncomfortable.

 

I think it's ok (not ideal considering he has a girlfriend) if you want to, to tell him how you feel about him, but then leave the ball in his court. Don't expect anything; you're only telling him to make it clear and get it off your chest. I guess it would serve to open the door to him in case he ever wants to be more with you. Unfortunately I think you know the answers, so if you really value the friendship, then don't do it. Keep looking for an available guy; I think you're going to have to anyway.

I know that might sound selfish but it would put my mind at ease knowing that my feelings were at some point reciprocated. Because till this very moment, we still have this kind of tension between us but I just don't understand it. But again all I care about is his happiness, so I'm afraid that it'll just make it hard for him or he'll feel like he's in a position where he has to make a choice. Yet again, I keep thinking that it was me that gave him the impression that we're only just friends and that I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship with him so he got over it and met someone else but kept his friendship with me because I know how much he values it and how much he cares about me.

I just want him to know that I love him but don't want this fact to change anything. I don't want it to ruin our friendship or his relationship but I just want him to know that it's difficult for me to be fine with him having a gf but I'm trying.

I'm not sure I make any sense. I don't actually have anyone to talk about this with, it's usually him I talk to.

Well, I guess if you need to talk to him and ask questions and tell him how you feel, then go ahead, but I do think things will change after that. Again, my guess is he knows of your feelings already. If you do talk to him, maybe try to make it clear that you want to continue the friendship and that you'll work on getting over it so you can still be friends. Tell him you just needed to get it off your chest but that you won't bring it up again. I don't know if this helps! Just try not to push him for anything; that's when you may lose his friendship.

Well, I guess if you need to talk to him and ask questions and tell him how you feel, then go ahead, but I do think things will change after that. Again, my guess is he knows of your feelings already. If you do talk to him, maybe try to make it clear that you want to continue the friendship and that you'll work on getting over it so you can still be friends. Tell him you just needed to get it off your chest but that you won't bring it up again. I don't know if this helps! Just try not to push him for anything; that's when you may lose his friendship.

Well, actually I did discuss how I feel about him and everything that has been going on the past few years with him yesterday. He let me tell everything I had and he was very keen to allow me to get everything off my chest. He was unbelievably understanding. First thing he said was that I have always been the better friend in this friendship, the better person and I definitely deserve a better person, too. He said that he can't afford to lose this friendship not now, not many years later and then when I told him that I wish that this never changes anything between us or him and his gf and that even if we have had this talk earlier, I still wouldn't have wished for it to change anything, he asked: you would have still wanted us to remain just friends? I replied that I always feared that feelings would ruin a good friendship and he said "me too".

I apologized if I had put him in a tricky position now and he was like "no, no, you didn't" he said he was just thinking about how he has been a burden for many years. I was also honest about feeling pushed away at certain points during our friendship but I understood he had a lot going through at that time and he said he never intended to, he was only present the amount of time he was allowed to (to be honest, I didn't understand what that meant) but he thought I was such a decent person to consider his feelings back then.

He asked me at the end how I was feeling after I had said everything I have been holding in for so long? I told him that I'm hoping it gives me some relief so he suggested that we take 2 days, to allow me to organize everything that has been going through my mind and we're going to discuss on the 3rd how I feel until it no longer is a burden to me.

Honestly, I feel so much lighter now that I have said EVERYTHING that has been causing me so much confusion for so long. It's just that I'm still concerned about the impact this conversation has made on him.