What went wrong?

[EnglishRose9]

Hi, I’m new and would appreciate some thoughts on my situation which I will try and keep as brief as possible.

 

Just over a week ago my (now ex) boyfriend ended our relationship and I am completely devastated.

 

We were together for nearly 2 years and he treated me better than anyone has ever done. It was the happiest relationship I had ever been in and he felt the same.

 

Around 9 months into the relationship external pressures from his family began (they have never liked any of his girlfriends), they made him spend a week away from me to consider what he wants. He agreed as they were planning to help him financially and threatened to not help. After this week they told him that we were “not allowed” to spend nights together during the week and when he moved out I was not allowed to even leave a toothbrush at his house. HE’S A FULLY-GROWN MAN!

 

I could sense he was torn, I didn’t push too hard and stepped away to allow him the space and flexibility he needed. He has told me he was grateful to me for doing this and putting up with everything.

 

A few months ago, he suddenly told me that his feelings had changed and he didn’t know whether he could see a future for us anymore. We had a bit of a chat about it and agreed to put in a bit more effort. Everything was fine, or so I thought…he seemed happy and we were planning a holiday etc so I forgot about that conversation.

 

The day of the break up he came over after work and told me he had started counselling sessions as he has some issues he has not dealt with including a traumatic break up he thought he was over (at least 2 years prior to us meeting) and a family death he hasn’t grieved for. He used the word depression and said he is unable to feel anything and he doesn’t know what is wrong with him. He thinks he’s not even capable of love. He said he needs to be on his own to work through this and tells me I deserve to be treated better, it’s not fair on me, he has put me through too much already etc. He said I’ve done nothing wrong. We had a good chat and when he left we were both hugging and crying, it was really emotional and awful. I felt at the time like he didn’t really want to go but he HAD to.

 

Since then I started NC then stupidly decided to call him a week after, mainly just to check how he is because I was genuinely worried about him, he was in a mess. He did not answer but then rang me yesterday saying he was “calling me back” – we spoke for about 20 minutes and it was just him filling me in on his week and asking about what I had been doing etc. Almost like nothing had happened. This has left me even more confused and put me back in terms of the healing process.

 

So I guess I want people thoughts on this and also I am thinking about asking him to meet me because I really don’t understand what happened. I completely accept the break up, it’s not what I want but I do understand his reasons.

 

What I want is to understand is how we went from being crazy happy to how we are now – is it external influences and this has ended up screwing with his head and underneath it all he still loves me but can’t see it, or is there something about me that changed his mind? If there is something about me it would be easier to accept and move forward. At the moment I feel like we could actually have a future once he has sorted his head. I’m stuck.

 

If he really wanted to draw a line completely then why hasn’t he asked for his house key back and returned mine? (I haven’t asked because I’m not ready to let go just yet – not healthy I know).

[MissCanuck]

What stood out to me is that he still wasn't "allowed" to have you leave a toothbrush at his home when he moved out. Are you that was his parents' wishes, and not his own? Did you ever hear them actually tell him this?

 

I have to wonder if it was actually him that has been putting distance there all along, and telling you it was his parents.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like his parents pressure eventually got to him. It seems they call the shots and entice him financially. Perhaps they threatened to cut him off if he didn't end things. It sounds like he would rather be pampered and spoiled by his parents than be his own man. In the long run you dodged a bullet. Is there a cultural or religious difference?

[EnglishRose9]

Unfortunately it is the parents. He's very honest and some of his friends have made comments to me about how controlling they are. They didn't want me to have a key but I have one... I've seen the effect this control has had on him and it's been verified so I do believe it was them

[EnglishRose9]

Hi Wiseman, there is no cultural difference etc. I am older than him but I am financially secure myself etc. I probably have dodged a bullet, the whole situation makes me so sad, for him too

[shessofly]

Unfortunately it is the parents. He's very honest and some of his friends have made comments to me about how controlling they are. They didn't want me to have a key but I have one... I've seen the effect this control has had on him and it's been verified so I do believe it was them

 

So then it would seem you have your answer?

[DancingFool]

When a man tells you what you don't want to hear, you better believe him. He told you point blank that he no longer sees a future with you. He is acting consistently.

 

When you broke NC, he opted to be civil with you....and you know what? That kind of shows that he's been emotionally checked out for awhile already. Talking to you, returning your call was basically no skin off his back, it didn't make his heart race. It very much seems like you and him are completely done. So please, spare yourself any more pain and don't ever break your NC again. Work on accepting that this is over, heal, and move on.

 

Given what you've said about his family, he is also likely being very honest with you that he has all kinds of issues to work out before he can enter another relationship with anyone and be fully present in it. That's assuming that he completes the therapy, that it works for him, that he is really able to break a lifetime of toxic habits and personal issues, etc. In other words, it may take him several years or he may never succeed, so don't hold your breath waiting on him. Besides, his toxic family will never stop being toxic. It's really best and healthiest for you to move on. You can leave it at if he ever reaches out to you, if you are still single, if you are still interested (unlikely once you heal and move on), then you can decide if you want to revisit this.

[EnglishRose9]

Hi DancingFool,

 

I do accept the break up and don’t expect reconciliation. His actions have been mixed though but I guess that’s because he’s been thinking about it for a while and sometimes he was happy and others not.

 

I think having a proper conversation about our relationship would help if he’s willing but I’m still thinking about it and know it won’t change the outcome. I just want to understand from his perspective I guess.

 

I also need to establish some form of civil “friendship” at some point as we will see each other once a week from September.

[SGH]

Hi DancingFool,

 

I do accept the break up and don’t expect reconciliation. His actions have been mixed though but I guess that’s because he’s been thinking about it for a while and sometimes he was happy and others not.

 

I think having a proper conversation about our relationship would help if he’s willing but I’m still thinking about it and know it won’t change the outcome. I just want to understand from his perspective I guess.

 

I also need to establish some form of civil “friendship” at some point as we will see each other once a week from September.

 

You're right. Talking to him won't change the outcome, and his perspective will never give you the closure you seek. Create your own closure. Define your own reasons for why the relationship didn't work out. At the end of the day, people must rely on their own truth of a situation, because an ex-partner will rarely agree or condone your views.

 

Also, friendship with an ex is highly overrated. Just because you'll see each other does not mean you need to talk. Polite indifference is the way to go, especially if you are still hurting from the breakup.

[DancingFool]

Hi DancingFool,

 

I do accept the break up and don’t expect reconciliation. His actions have been mixed though but I guess that’s because he’s been thinking about it for a while and sometimes he was happy and others not.

 

I think having a proper conversation about our relationship would help if he’s willing but I’m still thinking about it and know it won’t change the outcome. I just want to understand from his perspective I guess.

 

I also need to establish some form of civil “friendship” at some point as we will see each other once a week from September.

 

Well no doubt that after two years this wasn't an easy decision for him. It never is. That said, he did make it in the end.

 

As for proper conversation, in theory it sounds great, but in reality, as SGH already said, it never works out well. The thing is that your ex just can't give you any kind of straight, direct answers as to why even if they want to, simply because feelings aren't that straightforward. No sane person ends a long term relationship because they didn't like how you fold the socks. As for deeper issues, again, no sane person will sit there and begin to criticize you and tell you all that was wrong for them about you because that would be highly destructive and cruel. More importantly, what they see as an incompatibility, the right person will see as compatibility. The why is an impossible question to answer. So yes, you have to come up with your own answers, your side of why it had to end and that becomes your closure. Resist that little voice that says "if only I learn what went wrong, I can fix this". Best that you accept that there is nothing to fix and bow out.

 

As for friendship, don't even try. Civility is simple, however. When you run into each other, you nod a polite hello, maybe exchange small talk about the weather and move on to do whatever you are there to do. You don't need to meet to discuss civility. It will happen on its own when needed as long as you are both being adults about it and it doesn't seem like there is any reason why you both wouldn't be.

[No1]

Sometimes nothing has to be wrong for a relationship to end. Sometimes they end for no good reason. I know you want to know why, I have asked that question a thousand and six times after my break up and try to figure out where it went wrong. Then I realized that in life, you can make no mistakes and still lose. Its just how life is.

 

I read your post and was thinking of a road map from point A to point B. A being happy and B is the point of breaking up. No matter how many stops along the way you hit, Depression, Parents, Pressure, Lack of closure from a previous break up, Has to find himself, or any other stop along the way, you will end up at Point B... Breaking up. So its really not about the reason because they don't matter. What matters is that you were a loving, supportive, caring, giving partner and it is your X's loss. Now you have room in your heart for someone better to come along. Someone more emotionally available for you.

 

I know it sucks and I know it hurts and Im sorry you are going thru this. Please accept the now and that is you are single. Reasons really don't matter. you are going to be just fine..

[EnglishRose9]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know that there was nothing I could have done or could do to change the outcome of this. It’s all just incredibly sad.

 

I’m taking each day as it comes and know I’ll get through this. I can also hold my head up high knowing that I treated this man incredibly well. In a way this almost makes it worse because if I had broken trust or been disrespectful I would be able to understand I guess.

 

I’m having some therapy myself as this has broken me but over time I will rebuild and be stronger for it.

 

I would like to be there for him as I care deeply but at the moment it would be for the wrong reasons.

[No1]

Keep in mind that this might be a huge blessing. You could meet the man of your dreams that you would missed if you were still in an up and down relationship. I know your hurting, breaks ups don't heal overnight even tho I wished they did. But in the end, this is better for you. I know it.