I have spent years trying to get over my ex - I still cannot find closure

[Katchen]

I met a guy at work, 9 years ago. I met him while I was giving a course (we are both scientists) and we worked together for a while. He flirted a little with me but so did I. I was a bit bored, it was fun with some attention but he was married and I was not interested. But he flirted more and more and on one occasion he kissed me and I still remember the way he looked at me - really into me. I though so sad, I would have to stop working with him, I did not want to get involved. Well, some weeks later we were in his office and started kissing. It was like magic, I completely lost it, from this moment I was crazy about him, obsessed, in love, dependent. It was never supposed to be anything serious, I did not want him ever to get a divorce, he had small children. We went on for a year, meeting in my flat - we both had flexible hours. We would spend days together - talking, laughing, having lots of sex. I was completely crazy about him - all my life was about him and I loved it. He taught me about music, told me lots of stories about his childhood. His dreams and plans. He said he got married too young, it just happened. With me he knew what women he wanted. He said he would divorce her anyway, when the children were older. I never pressed him, I missed him terribly when he was not with me but I was not insecure, I knew he loved me, he told me so many times. We would write many e-mail each day to one another. Too me it was the biggest love affair I have ever had. I have never doubted he was seriously into me. Two years later his wife found out - I think he wanted her to - he left his PC open and she found the emails. She did not want to leave him at first and he wanted to try again because of the children - and I agreed. But they broke up anyway, we were all ready for Xmas, he made and bought gifts for me. I was so happy. Then he comes home one evening and tells me it is over - he was very upset. He said I did something terribly, I asked what he would say he wants me to think about it for ever. He was very upset with the whole divorce, children, house being empty. Later I thought he simply lost it. I have tried and tried to contact him, he would not answer.

Five years went and I went through hell. I missed him so much, i would cry and cry for hours. I though about him every single day, I missed him so it did fysically hurt. People kept telling me it would get better but it did not. About a year ago I sent him a message on social media, a picture that used to mean something special to us. TO my surprise he replied. He replied some more but he was still angry. He was implying I was meeting other guys when I was with him - which I did not.

I asked him to meet me, I was hoping we could get some closure, forgive one another. I know he regretted loosing his family, I lost a lot myself. He asked me what I would need to get closure. I asked him back - what do you think - and he replied, I think you want to sleep with me. I was completely shocked, my big romantic love and this is what he says? Anyway, he came to my flat, behaved as if nothing happened and after 15 minutes of nonsense conversation he suggested to go to the bedroom. I was so shocked I agreed. He kissed and cuddled me just like he used to - so I though if this is the last time I see him, at least I would get good sex. He would undress but did not want sex, just told me I was beautiful. And he left, no explanation, no nothing. I was so confused I had to go to a psychologist. She advice me to try to get him to see me. He did not reply , no communication but some weeks later he would reply to silly, funny messages. He wouls start asking me to send me pictures of myself. Always asking for more. I did to keep in touch. When I told him I was going to a concert to listen to something I knew he liked he would say he does not like it anymore and so on, as if nothing of waht we had was valid anymore.

This went on for months. We would have contact daily, but just silly conversations. From time to time he would write something more meaningful -still implying I had many guys and lots of sexual experience. Nonsense. We would meet and the same thing - he wanted to get me to the bed, no explanation, no nothing. And he left. No communication. He would leave it for a few days and then reply to something silly. This time he asked about my holidays and started planning to see me - many weeks in advance. He actually asked if he could see me and when I replied that yes he would say that he did not believe it would be possible. ANd he went no sending messages about him looking forward to seeing me - but just in a silly way. Like soon, lots of smilies. This man is 45 and has a PhD! He was iin my flat two days ago. He comes, smiles, is cute, flirty, exactly his old self. We ended up having sex, he is loving, kisses me a lot. When he left he came back for one more kiss. Like he used to. But he left and no reply, nothing. I am so confused. My friends tell me he is only using me for sex but why so much trouble? Why planning so long in advance? Why sending so many messages? For an hour of sex? He is not an insensitive person, I know he used to love me. It i like seeing a person who talks like him, looks like him but it is not him. How can I get him to behave normal and just tell me what is happening? Is he just enjoying having the power over me? Please help, I know time will not help.

[boltnrun]

You can't move forward when you keep seeing and sleeping with him. That's kind of like continuing to eat fast food and sweets and wonder why you're not losing weight.

 

I agree with him...what exactly is it that you want from him in order to obtain this mythical "closure"?

[LightWave93]

I'm pretty sure my eyesight is permanently damaged from the lack of paragraphs.

 

One thing sticks out. "Biggest love affair I ever had". Honestly that says a lot about your character; is this really something your proud of?

 

Anyway, this whole situation is a mess and neither of you are in a good place. I don't believe anything healthy and substantial could ever come of this, so if I were you I'd break things off with him and focus on healing.

[figureitout23]

This was a rough read. I feel for you, I have no doubt you are in pain and I think you are going to move on until you are honest with yourself. Just like you say, he has a phd, well youre a dr too, but youre acting like a naive 13 year old,

 

First off own your part in starting this affair, its very well known affairs bring pain, so you made a conscious choice to hurt yourself. You didnt want to get involved, it wasnt meant to be anything. If youre telling yourself this and you fully believe it, please stop. It may hurt to face the reality of this situation but its necessary. You two were never star crossed lovers, this man is a cheater and you were his mistress.

 

Once his wife found out and the fantasy was over, he left.

 

There cant be a more clear slap of reality.

 

All those pretty words he told you were part of the affair, he clearly never meant them because if he did once his wife chose to leave him he would have ran to you, he did not. You have to face that.

 

Now youre practically begging him to use you.

 

Your self esteem is so low, I find it ridiculously hard to believe a therapist would tell you to see that man again, unless theyre a quack.

 

This is not going to pan out. Let go and heal. You deserve so much better than this.

[Honeycomb8]

He is using you for sex. Why do it? Cos he can. It's an ego boost for him seeing how easy it is for you to fall back into bed with him. Actions speak louder than any pretty sentence or word. Time to head back to reality.

 

He's an awful person and was just a cheater. This was no love story.

[Honeycomb8]

I'm pretty sure my eyesight is permanently damaged from the lack of paragraphs.

 

One thing sticks out. "Biggest love affair I ever had". Honestly that says a lot about your character; is this really something your proud of?

 

Anyway, this whole situation is a mess and neither of you are in a good place. I don't believe anything healthy and substantial could ever come of this, so if I were you I'd break things off with him and focus on healing.

 

He comes and goes and only sees her as an object. He obviously couldn't care less. OP you're always waiting for him and he knows it. Get some self love. You are wasting your life.

[DanZee]

It sounds like the guy has gone off of the deep end here. The endless accusations that you're having sex with people smacks of emotional abuse and the way he just has sex with you and leaves is very creepy. I agree with Honeycomb9's description of it as objectification. He's treating you like an object. It's almost like a client-prostitute relationship.

 

This has been a very bad relationship for you. You helped to break up a family and you became obsessed with this guy. You developed an emotional dependency on him. I don't think it was actually love. And there's something seriously wrong with this guy. I agree that you need to cut this off, keep away from him and stop crying over this guy. He is not good for you. He is not who you think he is, and it doesn't seem like he is returning any love to you.

[saluk]

Time does not heal wounds. Healing heals wounds. New perspectives can help you reframe pain, which can help heal wounds. All of these things do take time. I think working on changing your perspective is the first step. Unfortunately, for stubborn people, it can be the hardest choice to make. You have to want to be free of him, and if there is a bit of you that says "but I don't WANT to be free" then you will stay in bondage.

 

What steps did you try and take during the 5 years you tried to end things and move on? What were you doing to improve your situation? Did you seriously cry every single night for 5 years straight? Surely there were days in there that you did not cry or that you tried to do something that felt better.

 

You may have failed to get better in that time, and have reached out again. Well, now is your second chance. There is always time to turn your life around. Do you really want to waste more time thinking about a married man that your higher intelligence INSTANTLY pegged as someone you should not get involved with? And everything that happened afterward proved your initial impression. I know you are drowning in emotions... but you have to start finding solid truths and cling to them for dear life. Starting with, you don't need a man to live a full and happy life. You definitely don't need a man like this who would cheat on his wife rather than sit down and have an honest conversation with her about the state of their relationship. The foundation of good relationships is communication. His were nonexistent. He told her nothing, and told you sweet lies. The man you think you love never existed.

 

It's time to return to the long slog of moving on that you never finished. Try everything, and keep trying anything that seems to help. You only have so much time. Use it wisely, and stop trying to fix your past mistakes. You made a mistake. It's OK. We all do. You have to pick yourself up and move forward because this one is never going to get clean. Closure is a myth. The only closure is the scar that you stop looking at.

[Last Gentleman]

Sorry if this comes as blunt and rude but you have to face reality, you have to grow up because this all shows a big lack of emotional maturity, you are romanticizing

having an affair with a married man and breaking his family, you can't even seem to realize that man used you and this was all a fantasy and lies.

 

He doesn't care, he sees how desperate you are and keeps on coming and going as he pleases, getting rewarded by sex from you, sorry OP but you are allowing him

to treat you this badly, you need to take responsibility for your own actions and take your life by the horns, closure won't magically come especially letting this guy

further abuse you, if 9 years weren't enough for you...

[Katchen]

I'm pretty sure my eyesight is permanently damaged from the lack of paragraphs.

 

One thing sticks out. "Biggest love affair I ever had". Honestly that says a lot about your character; is this really something your proud of?

 

Anyway, this whole situation is a mess and neither of you are in a good place. I don't believe anything healthy and substantial could ever come of this, so if I were you I'd break things off with him and focus on healing.

 

Thank you for your advice. I do agree - affairs are terribly, everyone ends up being hurt in the end. However, it was not what I mean - excuse my lack of command of English. What I mean I never loved, felt connected and cared about a person as much as I loved him. He was my whole world and I would have died for him. Actually when he left me the pain was so unbearable that I considered suicide. What stopped me was consideration for other people I would hurt. I am a practical person but I simply could not handle these emotions. For those who think that I got what I had deserved. Before meeting him, I have always said that I would never ever get involve with a married man. There is nothing else compared to breaking up someones family, the kids get so hurt. But it happened. Very quickly I fell so much in love with him I simply could not help it. I tried, seriously I tried. But I thought he would stay with his family, no one would know and the hurt - being alone at the evenings and missing him - that would be the price and I was willing to pay it. I thought it would never come to this - his divorce- I would have done anything to protect him. Sounds crazy - well I know but sometimes things have to happen to you to understand how it feels. I really loved him that much. I could have questioned how healthy it was but I did not - he was making me happy.

So no, I am not proud of it at all - I even wrote an apology to his mother and to this day I feel terrible about what I have done to his children. As to his wife - does she own him just because he met her first? Is it not possible that people marry to young and develop into different directions? She had him and did not make him happy. People do not fall in love with other people when they are happy with whom they are.

[Katchen]

I wish, I tryly witsh 9 years were enough. I wonder how many would be enough - 900? I have tried everything - I work a lot, I enjoy music and concerts, I travel a lot. I try to keep busy and try doing things I like but it is all so 'fake' just a way to distract myself because I so terribly miss him. I wish I did not. I wish there was something I could do to stop this. I have deleted him, I have not tried to find out anything about him online or elsewhere for years. No progress. That was why I though I need to talk to him - maybe to see he really was just a player.

[Katchen]

It sounds like the guy has gone off of the deep end here. The endless accusations that you're having sex with people smacks of emotional abuse and the way he just has sex with you and leaves is very creepy. I agree with Honeycomb9's description of it as objectification. He's treating you like an object. It's almost like a client-prostitute relationship.

 

This has been a very bad relationship for you. You helped to break up a family and you became obsessed with this guy. You developed an emotional dependency on him. I don't think it was actually love. And there's something seriously wrong with this guy. I agree that you need to cut this off, keep away from him and stop crying over this guy. He is not good for you. He is not who you think he is, and it doesn't seem like he is returning any love to you.

 

Thank you for taking your time to give me your advice. I have been told many harsh things on this site and I agree, it is wrong to start an affair and I should have known people and myself would get hurt. Burt a part all that - there is something wrong with this guy, he must have some issues. Whatever he uses me for - this is not how people behave. Is it? He wants to detach all his feelings from who am I - for some reason but he cannot resist because he is so physically attracted to me. Or maybe he wants to see me 'as an object' because it justifies what he did.

I wish I could talk to him, he would tell me how he felt, what really happened to him after he left, we could forgive each other. But I have to accept that this is never going to happen and I will have to live with this. I just wish I knew how.

[Last Gentleman]

You're saying you want to heal and your solution is avoiding reality and the facts, sorry again you're in a fantasy, you loved a lie and he just saw an opportunity and used you.

Keeping yourself busy and not addressing this, that you willingly had an affair after saying you'd never do this, we all make choices so now own up that you have judgment

issues apparently, work on this and stop just trying to distract yourself not of him, but of the problems you have deep inside yourself.

 

You obviously shouldn't have any contact with this man ever, he's been lying to you and his wife what closure do you honestly expect from him, you were an object exactly

and nothing justifies this, but nothing he can say than can give you closure anyway !

 

This is difficult I know, but only by going into deep introspection and understanding why you fell for such fantasy and broke all your standards for that, will you be able to move

on and improve your life. Not by distracting yourself with activities and kind of staying in this victim spot, take ownership of your life !

[Katchen]

You're saying you want to heal and your solution is avoiding reality and the facts, sorry again you're in a fantasy, you loved a lie and he just saw an opportunity and used you.

Keeping yourself busy and not addressing this, that you willingly had an affair after saying you'd never do this, we all make choices so now own up that you have judgment

issues apparently, work on this and stop just trying to distract yourself not of him, but of the problems you have deep inside yourself.

 

You obviously shouldn't have any contact with this man ever, he's been lying to you and his wife what closure do you honestly expect from him, you were an object exactly

and nothing justifies this, but nothing he can say than can give you closure anyway !

 

This is difficult I know, but only by going into deep introspection and understanding why you fell for such fantasy and broke all your standards for that, will you be able to move

on and improve your life. Not by distracting yourself with activities and kind of staying in this victim spot, take ownership of your life !

 

I am trying, really. I have been thinking about this for so long, trying to analyse it, trying to see what pushed me to this and how I could have avoided it. It is easy to say that one simply does not get involved with married people. But what about marrying wrong people? She did not own him just because she met him first? I though we were truly in love, I thought I met my soulmate until the moment he left without an explanation. Trying to accept that a person you thought you knew, a person you shared your heart and soul with actually did not exist. It is a very hard crash.

I might have issues - but is it impossible to believe that I truly thought me and this guy were in love? That love happens? He told me many times that I was the one, he gave me a gift saying love conquers all. Yes, it was wrong to start the affair - but i know (very few) people who started an affair and now live happily married to the person. It does not happen often but it does happen.

[Last Gentleman]

I am trying, really. I have been thinking about this for so long, trying to analyse it, trying to see what pushed me to this and how I could have avoided it. It is easy to say that one simply does not get involved with married people. But what about marrying wrong people? She did not own him just because she met him first? I though we were truly in love, I thought I met my soulmate until the moment he left without an explanation. Trying to accept that a person you thought you knew, a person you shared your heart and soul with actually did not exist. It is a very hard crash.

I might have issues - but is it impossible to believe that I truly thought me and this guy were in love? That love happens? He told me many times that I was the one, he gave me a gift saying love conquers all. Yes, it was wrong to start the affair - but i know (very few) people who started an affair and now live happily married to the person. It does not happen often but it does happen.

 

Listen I see this is difficult for you, but you're still missing the point that you made the decision to get involved in this, yes people sometimes like married people but

you can just uphold your standards and say, not until you get divorced it's just having a spine and refusing to get into such crap situation which it always is.

 

Of course it is difficult to find out this man was a lie, but you're living in wonderland, life isn't a party and maintaining relationships is hard it requires work. You really

want to think that having an affair in another woman's back is a healthy basis for a future relationship !? This is delusional sorry no one after cheating will have a nice

relationship with the person even if they divorce and all, the relationship is still based on lies !

[MissCanuck]

This guy was not in love with you, OP, and he still isn't. If he really thought you were the one, you'd be with him now. You have to wake up.

 

It's not about his wife "owning" him because she met him first. This isn't some silly grade-school competition. He got married and stayed married on his own volition, despite what he told you.

 

Unfortunately, you have poor self-value and he takes full advantage of your naivety. At the risk of sounding insensitive, have you had any relationship experience prior to this?

[Katchen]

This guy was not in love with you, OP, and he still isn't. If he really thought you were the one, you'd be with him now. You have to wake up.

 

It's not about his wife "owning" him because she met him first. This isn't some silly grade-school competition. He got married and stayed married on his own volition, despite what he told you.

 

Unfortunately, you have poor self-value and he takes full advantage of your naivety. At the risk of sounding insensitive, have you had any relationship experience prior to this?

 

I do appreciate your time and honesty. But actually, the guy did get a divorce, he did leave his wife. Also, I did have several long-term relationships and most often it was me who left because it was not working. I am normally fun, charming and very pretty. Especially when I was younger, I had guys 'in line' hoping I would talk to them. I really thought I met the guy I was supposed to be with, that he was the man in my life, the one I felt home with. I told me multiple times it was that way for him. So my problem really is to see that I has always been a lie or maybe he has changed? But whatever, my trust in other people and my own judgment is not present at all.

[Katchen]

Listen I see this is difficult for you, but you're still missing the point that you made the decision to get involved in this, yes people sometimes like married people but

you can just uphold your standards and say, not until you get divorced it's just having a spine and refusing to get into such crap situation which it always is.

 

Of course it is difficult to find out this man was a lie, but you're living in wonderland, life isn't a party and maintaining relationships is hard it requires work. You really

want to think that having an affair in another woman's back is a healthy basis for a future relationship !? This is delusional sorry no one after cheating will have a nice

relationship with the person even if they divorce and all, the relationship is still based on lies !

 

I agree but life can be difficult some times forcing us to make choices we do not want to make. One of my best friends fell in love with her married colleague. It was hell - mainly for her - for three years - but he eventually did leave his wife and they have been happy now for 20 years. One of the most solid and great relationships I know of. Yes, it was wrong to start with but they are right for each other. Life is not that simple. He loves her but she still had to make him leave, he would not have done unless she helped him and it took three years.

[Wiseman2]

But have you tried complete no contact and deleting and blocking him from all messaging and social apps? And have you tried to find a man of your own through dating apps or dating in real life? Have you tried therapy to get to the root of all that or your obsession with him? So in fact it seems you haven't tried any effective methods.

I have tried everything - I work a lot, I enjoy music and concerts, I travel a lot. I try to keep busy and try doing things I like but it is all so 'fake' just a way to distract myself because I so terribly miss him.

[Katchen]

I have never really believed in true feelings, I have always thought that people are there to get what they want and need. If they are nice to you it is because THEY like it better when you are around. They do not love you, they love how they feel when they are with you. I had no hopes or romantic fantasies. Not until this guy shook my world and showed me how fantastic it is to be listen to, to be loved, to have tru passion. How could I possibly invent all this just in my head? I did not want it in the first place.... he was like a tzunami, I got swept away. He said the same. It was so hard loosing hi the first time, seeing now it was all just fake, I simply cannot handle it. It is so hard. I have done everything I have always been supposed to - I worked hard, I help so many of my students, I have always made the wise choice concerning school and work. Always very responsible. I chose my career over my feelings. ALways choosing the right and responsible choices. Until I met him. I thought I was allowed to go for something I wanted, I deserved to follow my heart. And yes, it is hard to believe but I did cry every night for at least half a year, I still cry now when I think about it. How can you unlove a person?

I have always done what I was supposed to - I studied, worked, got my degrees. I chose relationships that made sense. I stayed in relationships because it was the sensible thing to do. I sometimes look at my life and wonder what really is real. Are we all just playing a role? I can accept that he was all fake but now who is not?

My previous boyfriend claimed he loved me - did he? Or did he loved that I provided a flat and helped him with his work and children? Did he loved that I was smart and beautiful and he could show me off? Did he love me or having me?

[Katchen]

But have you tried complete no contact and deleting and blocking him from all messaging and social apps? And have you tried to find a man of your own through dating apps or dating in real life? Have you tried therapy to get to the root of all that or your obsession with him? So in fact it seems you haven't tried any effective methods.

 

I have tried, I have deleted his number, I did not want to know what he was doing, I did not try to find our or connect in any way. For several years. I did date other people. I only get disappointed even more. My recent boyfriend wanted to make everything very official, he claimed he loved me. Did he? Or did he love the flat I have provided, the constant counseling he needed, the constant help with his work and children? Maybe K used me - but don't people always? Does anyone really love or do they love having/being with you? The closest I ever felt that a person cared for me was with K.

So tell me about an effective method. I am very pretty - I can get a man if I want. But for what? To pretend they are smarter and more accomplish that me? Very few are, I am very good at my job. They need me for things or sex. How is that helping - does it help when you call it a relationship? So a person use you, burden you with all his problems, controls you, insist on having sex - but it is ok because it is called a relationship?

[Last Gentleman]

I have tried, I have deleted his number, I did not want to know what he was doing, I did not try to find our or connect in any way. For several years. I did date other people. I only get disappointed even more. My recent boyfriend wanted to make everything very official, he claimed he loved me. Did he? Or did he love the flat I have provided, the constant counseling he needed, the constant help with his work and children? Maybe K used me - but don't people always? Does anyone really love or do they love having/being with you? The closest I ever felt that a person cared for me was with K.

So tell me about an effective method. I am very pretty - I can get a man if I want. But for what? To pretend they are smarter and more accomplish that me? Very few are, I am very good at my job. They need me for things or sex. How is that helping - does it help when you call it a relationship? So a person use you, burden you with all his problems, controls you, insist on having sex - but it is ok because it is called a relationship?

 

I really don't follow you here, you're insisting on people giving you a solution to get over this guy, yet here in this paragraph you don't want to believe your BF loved you and you

have a view of relationships so jaded, that now only thing men will do is use you for sex and to solve their problems !? I mean seriously what do you expect, life isn't a walk in the

park sometimes you meet bad people, life is hard nobody has it easy if you think so you are again delusional, but you are the result of your own choices not the consequence of

what the male population would make of you.

 

Also the last paragraph shows contempt and that you feel above most men, but reading your story sorry you aren't above most men or women for that matter, I'm just baffled you

even try having relationships with such mindset. Your view of what you had with this guy isn't a real relationship, he lied and never contacted you for 5 years seeing other women,

so I have no understanding how you mix this cheating non relationship being so perfect, with this last paragraph description that isn't a relationship either.

 

Listen I think you need to talk to other people around you, about reality of relationships, because it seems you really have no idea of what constitutes a healthy respectful one and

I really don't know what to say this is very disturbing.

Not judging you OP, but this all seems like playing victim and not really addressing your own flaws, if you need to vent do it but at some point you need to take a genuine look on

yourself and not this sure I blame myself for this affair I was bad excuse, just acknowledge it and process what put you here and keeps you miserable.

[MissCanuck]

I do appreciate your time and honesty. But actually, the guy did get a divorce, he did leave his wife. Also, I did have several long-term relationships and most often it was me who left because it was not working. I am normally fun, charming and very pretty. Especially when I was younger, I had guys 'in line' hoping I would talk to them. I really thought I met the guy I was supposed to be with, that he was the man in my life, the one I felt home with. I told me multiple times it was that way for him. So my problem really is to see that I has always been a lie or maybe he has changed? But whatever, my trust in other people and my own judgment is not present at all.

 

Right, I got that - but he still hasn't tried to have a real relationship with you.

 

You are full of excuses for him and yourself, OP.

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps this recent bf is the problem and that is unearthing all this. No one can "use" you if you do not let them or if you attempt to buy their love, keep them around with favors, etc. That is martyrdom. And an almost pathological need for control.

 

"They need you for things or sex"? Wow then don't buy or lure them with that and use better qualities such as a loving personality.

 

First thing that would help is to address the bitterness and contemptuous view of men. It's in line with 'all guys want is sex' and 'all women want is money'.

My recent boyfriend wanted to make everything very official, did he love the flat I have provided, the constant counseling he needed, the constant help with his work and children? Maybe K used me - but don't people always? They need me for things or sex.

[saluk]

You have a very messed up view on relationships if your one sided attachment to this jerk seems more appealing to you than trying to find someone who is, I dunno, available. You've completely idealized this relationship and built it up into something it never was. You see yourself in a Romeo + Juliet type situation. You got off on the secrecy and decadence of it. You have a friend for whom this path worked out, and see yourself as building a similar narrative.

 

It's not. It's not a great romance of our times, it's just another tale of lopsided love where one person things they just need to do the right thing and the other person will suddenly match the glorified expectations and come running. Go around and read other people's threads here. Your story is not that unique. For every story like your friend's where breaking up a marriage results in a lasting relationship, there are 100s that go a lot more like yours.

 

You cannot and never will "understand" him. Trying to understand him all the time is why your mind is stuck. You need to LET GO. It is much more useful to try to understand yourself. Seek help. Change things if you need to. Move somewhere else. Do something else. It sounds like all you did in those 5 years was do the same old things you normally would, while thinking about him the whole time.

 

It's been 9 years. It's time to get serious and shake things up. Stop wasting your life. Yeah, you experienced love - no one is questioning that. But you don't have to live according to your emotions and let them lead you. If your emotions are leading you off a cliff, it's time to stop listening.

 

You will never be unstuck if you keep trying to do the same thing. Again, it a'int time, it's what you do with that time.