Will No Contact work for me ?

[kimthors]

So here is the situation:

 

My girlfriend of 7 years broke up with me couple days ago, and as everybody else know it really hurts and in time i wanna change myself, get better and also reconnect with her if the possibilites are there.

 

Our story:

 

In the beginning of the relationship we were really good together, but after a couple years we moved in together and i started neglecting her. I focused way to much on friends and other fun than tending to her emotional needs. After a while she started protecting herself and she travelled to the other side of The World for six months. At this time i started realizing what i did wrong and started pestering her with how much i missed her and so on and i fought very hard for the relationship but in the wrong way in hindsight. She came back after the long distance and we continued together half a year until now. I noticed how she didnt give me the same attention any more because of the damaged done earlier on, so i got jealous and felt like so i didnt give her time to breath. I did Everything for her, but what she really needed was some space. She didn’t believe my words, she didnt believe i had changed to a better person and ultimately this led to a breakup. Now after the breakup i have given her some space. We still love each other and the physical attraction and the sex were great all the way till the end. She just didnt believe that i could be the emotional support now because i wasn’t before, she thought it was a scam to keep her around.

 

Now my Question is:

 

I am almost a week into no contact, and we agreed to keep in contact, but after reading i concluded no contact was for the best for her to get the room to think.

 

So i wonder if no contact is going to benefit me or if i should keep the low contact? I am afraid no contact will make her think that i am that guy which wont support her, even though i supported her like hell the last year of our relationship but she didn’t believe in it.

 

What do you guys think ?

[DanZee]

You're just going to keep hurting yourself and her if you keep contacting each other. It's like poking an open wound with a knife -- the wound is never going to heal. And obviously, you didn't change enough to convince your girlfriend to stay with you. You mentioned being jealous. I guess that also included being clingy, possessive and controlling. And there were probably a lot of arguments. If you were being overly attentive and caring, I can see why she thought it was a scam.

She was betting you couldn't keep it up for too long. I mean, how do you take a girlfriend for granted? These are never good signs for a relationship.

 

No Contact is the best approach. 99% of the time there is never any reconciliation. People just move on with their lives. And No Contact gives you the ability to recover and heal and move on. In a few months, maybe you can start dating again. No Contact will allow you to clear your mind of all the cobwebs and hopefully become sane again.

[CubbyBear]

It's is absolutely the way to go. It's the best way for both of you to heal from the damage done on both sides of the table. Talking right now will just make things more complicated and prolong the healing process. If there is any chance of you guys getting back together, she needs to miss you and won't be able to do that if you're constantly in contact with her. Do the right thing...maintain NC, heal, and focus on yourself right now. You need to get over her.

 

Talking yourself out of NC is just part of the denial/bargaining stages of grief. She knows you love and miss her. Unless she gets married or dies (sorry don't mean to be morbid) there is always a chance for reconciliation. But you can't focus on that right now because it's out of your control. Anything you do besides NC just makes the situation worse and your chances worse.

[Wiseman2]

Don't cling or chase or smother. Do not plead or convince or prove. Do not initiate contact only respond if she wants to reconcile.

[kimthors]

Thanks for good answers. Makes sense, thing that made me insecure was the fact that the same day of the breakup we agreed to call each other on wednesday. So what if she calls me, should i just stay true to no contact ? Or should i just text her back with a short message not related to the relationship ?

[CubbyBear]

Thanks for good answers. Makes sense, thing that made me insecure was the fact that the same day of the breakup we agreed to call each other on wednesday. So what if she calls me, should i just stay true to no contact ? Or should i just text her back with a short message not related to the relationship ?

 

This is just my personal opinion and may be unpopular but (if it was me) I would text her that you're going complete NC and you respectfully ask her not to contact you anymore and you wish her all the best. Simple as that. Don't apologize or get long-winded or say anything else. Then remove her contact information/social media and don't respond to her ever again (unless she reaches out to want to reconcile). That way she knows your intentions and your conscious is clear.

 

BUT (and it's a huge but) if you don't trust yourself in ignoring her after that initial message or you think it will set you back in any way, then just continue with NC. Because more than likely she'll respond and throw you bread crumbs. Either way, you're broken up so you don't owe her anything.

[kimthors]

Thx, i think that first part is a bit to harsh, im not in the mental state right now to give her the ultimatum of never contacting me again. Because she would stay true to it if i know her correctly, im probably just gonna stay nc for a while and if after a while i feel like it im probably gonna initate contact when i feel like a new me and strong enough to deal with it.

[CubbyBear]

Thx, i think that first part is a bit to harsh, im not in the mental state right now to give her the ultimatum of never contacting me again. Because she would stay true to it if i know her correctly, im probably just gonna stay nc for a while and if after a while i feel like it im probably gonna initate contact when i feel like a new me and strong enough to deal with it.

 

Yeah, stick with NC then. But just remember that by breaking up with you she has made it clear that she doesn't want you anymore. You reaching out to her later won't change that. It will just make you look weak and set you up for more heartbreak. If she wants to get back together with you, she knows how to contact you. Have enough love and respect for yourself to move on and find someone that wants to be with you. Planning a reconciliation as the dumpee is a huge waste of time. Use that energy to improve yourself. Get a new look, workout, read more, hang out with friends, travel etc.

[kimthors]

So what about those stories where the dumpee contacts them and it works out? Given that the dumpee actually became a new and better person with focus on him/herself up until that point ? I know i sound like a guy in denial, and i probably am. But i also know my desperation will settle eventually

[DancingFool]

Look, if you two agreed to keep in touch and she does call you, you do need to pick up and talk to her and during that conversation let her know that you feel that staying in touch won't work for you as it's too painful or whatever reason you want to give her. Just going awol is quite frankly rude and will be the final nail in the coffin without hope of reconciliation. Without communicating to her why you can't maintain contact, you'll just prove her right that you never really cared and your attentiveness was just an act. Communicate clearly if you want to at least leave the door open. Also don't do NC hoping to get her back. It doesn't work like that. NC is for you to heal and move on.

[kimthors]

Look, if you two agreed to keep in touch and she does call you, you do need to pick up and talk to her and during that conversation let her know that you feel that staying in touch won't work for you as it's too painful or whatever reason you want to give her. Just going awol is quite frankly rude and will be the final nail in the coffin without hope of reconciliation. Without communicating to her why you can't maintain contact, you'll just prove her right that you never really cared and your attentiveness was just an act. Communicate clearly if you want to at least leave the door open. Also don't do NC hoping to get her back. It doesn't work like that. NC is for you to heal and move on.

 

So i guess this only applies if she calls? If she doesn’t call i guess i can’t really make contact with her, can i ?

[DanZee]

So i guess this only applies if she calls? If she doesn’t call i guess i can’t really make contact with her, can i ?

 

I wouldn't. No. It's a crazy idea that she's going to call you every other Wednesday. A lot of girls hate to lose a relationship and they try to convert it into a friendship, and it doesn't work out. She's just tossing you a few breadcrumbs. It's a pity call. See if she calls. If she calls just say it's best you don't talk for a while so you can get your head straight. It allows her to move on too.

[limichelle]

I felt your pain OP four years ago I was dumped by email from a decade long relationship! I had to go no contact for my sanity!

 

The chances of it working out are only if she left the door open for reconciliation and it doesn’t sound like she did. I’m sorry op but it gets better I promise. Out of sight soon becomes out of mind!

[MissCanuck]

So what about those stories where the dumpee contacts them and it works out? Given that the dumpee actually became a new and better person with focus on him/herself up until that point ? I know i sound like a guy in denial, and i probably am. But i also know my desperation will settle eventually

 

I don't know of that many successful cases in reality, to be honest. I know of couples who reconcile, yes, but more often than not I have seen it not work out again. There are some couples who do, of course, but I wouldn't hold your breath if she is not the one approaching you for a second chance.

 

If she calls you, I would pick up. Be honest that staying in touch won't work for you right now as you need time to heal. You can let her know you would be open to talking if she wants to discuss working on the relationship. But unless she wants to try to resolve the issues, staying in each other's lives isn't the best idea at this time.

[kimthors]

I felt your pain OP four years ago I was dumped by email from a decade long relationship! I had to go no contact for my sanity!

 

The chances of it working out are only if she left the door open for reconciliation and it doesn’t sound like she did. I’m sorry op but it gets better I promise. Out of sight soon becomes out of mind!

 

She told me she was open for the idea of reconciliation on a later Stage, but for right now it’s for the best we don’t communicate. I know this is just me hanging on with hope in mind, but i know now i should go NC to focus on myself, and i’ll let her be in charge of whatever comes next in the future for us

[SGH]

She told me she was open for the idea of reconciliation on a later Stage, but for right now it’s for the best we don’t communicate. I know this is just me hanging on with hope in mind, but i know now i should go NC to focus on myself, and i’ll let her be in charge of whatever comes next in the future for us

 

Man, there is nothing that pisses me off more than when someone who is ending a relationship says maybe there's hope for a reconciliation in the future. Let me translate that for you. She's saying, "I'm going to go f*ck and date whoever I want for as long as I want, and if I don't find someone else in X amount of months/years, I'll probably come sniffing around you for an ego stroke." Seriously. You need to want more for yourself. Screw letting her dictate whether you two get back together or not someday. Slam the door shut permanently and force her to live with her decision to leave you!

 

I know you guys were together for a long time, so you need some time to adjust to the reality, but try to accept my words as truth. You will either get used or wait forever with an attitude like this. Number one way to heal and get your head straight? Take back control of your life. Go and stay NC. There are women out there who are a million times better.

[kimthors]

Man, there is nothing that pisses me off more than when someone who is ending a relationship says maybe there's hope for a reconciliation in the future. Let me translate that for you. She's saying, "I'm going to go f*ck and date whoever I want for as long as I want, and if I don't find someone else in X amount of months/years, I'll probably come sniffing around you for an ego stroke." Seriously. You need to want more for yourself. Screw letting her dictate whether you two get back together or not someday. Slam the door shut permanently and force her to live with her decision to leave you!

 

I know you guys were together for a long time, so you need some time to adjust to the reality, but try to accept my words as truth. You will either get used or wait forever with an attitude like this. Number one way to heal and get your head straight? Take back control of your life. Go and stay NC. There are women out there who are a million times better.

 

I think i’m starting to get it know, it hurts like hell, but if she is willing to break up with me, then i don’t see the point of waiting around for her anymore. I’ll use the time to focus 100 % on myself and give a about her. Or at least i hope i will be able to after the worst part of the heartbreak is over.

[MissCanuck]

She told me she was open for the idea of reconciliation on a later Stage, but for right now it’s for the best we don’t communicate. I know this is just me hanging on with hope in mind, but i know now i should go NC to focus on myself, and i’ll let her be in charge of whatever comes next in the future for us

 

A lot of dumpers say this. It's often a very misguided way to soften the blow, and maybe get the dumpee to stop begging (I'm not saying you did so, but many do)

 

Rarely does such a vague offer have a genuine intent.