Hook up or Interested? I CANT TELL!

[boltnrun]

OKAY so the other night it was like 9pm and he asked to hang out and I told him that it's kind of late but he did tell me that "we'll grab drinks asap". Still no set plans as of right now. Yet still texts me every day..Getting super thrown off even more now! If I do see him I want to bring up "what is this" but I don't know how exactly to say it?

 

He threw you the bone (no pun intended) of someday grabbing drinks as a way to try to lure you into late night sex visits. I bet if you went over for sex that drink date would never happen.

 

Did you go over for sex that night?

 

BTW, texting is the most minimal effort someone can make. Sending a "what's up" or "how was your day" text takes seconds, especially if they are saved text templates. So don't look at texting as him wanting a relationship or putting in some big effort.

[Lpritchette]

Oh I don't think I was clear with that.. I'm getting thrown off because he does text me everyday. This has only been going on for about 4 weeks and we're both busy during the week so we've only really hung out on the past few weekends, so it is still new. I don't know if he's just living his life getting to know me and seeing if something comes of it? Like casual dating? If he wasn't interested then why keep in contact with me!?

 

The other night when I turned him down he did say we'll grab drinks "asap". Also because I've said he should join me for a drink sometime in conversation before this week (which he has said yes to). I've just never done this casual sex casual talking before. And it's hard because I REALLY like him and am used to just jumping into relationships.

[boltnrun]

So I wonder what "asap" means in his world.

 

Has he actually followed through with joining you for drinks?

 

And like I mentioned, "keeping in contact" the way he does (text) is the easiest way and takes minimal effort.

 

Now, if he was calling you, asking for dates (not late night hookups at his place or hangouts at a friend's place) and following through with actual dates, then I would agree he's acting interested in something more than sex. But casual sex hookups often do text, so gauging his interest in dating or a relationship by texts is probably not the best way to go.

[LC8328]

Texting you every day does not indicate he wants a relationship. It means he wants to keep his options open and wants to be able to see you when he wants sex.

 

Being affectionate with you does not mean he wants a relationship either. It's part of the sex family, even if it doesn't feel that way to you.

 

The only, ONLY way you would know if he wants a relationship with you is if he takes you on a date that has nothing to do with partying or sex, something that hits you in the heart, not in the you-know-where. He would respect you as a woman and would want to show you places that are important to him, know what you think about this or that, ask about your future and your plans.

 

Great; you asked him out for drinks. He said yes.

Two things, though.

1) Saying yes is not equal to a date.

2) Even if you did take him out for drinks...that still falls under the 'partying' label. Don't go out for drinks. Do something cerebral, something that celebrates the mind, or something that makes you happy. Tell him you'd like to go dutch (each paying for yourself) to a daytime concert, movie, picnic. Regardless if he says no or yes...if he never comes through for that date, you will have your answer.

[figureitout23]

I agree with CML and bolt. Well said.

[Wiseman2]

Why would that throw you off. Texting is cheap and zero effort to keep you on the booty call circuit. There's a vast difference between being interested in free easy on-call sex and being interested in dating you and a relationship.

I'm getting thrown off because he does text me everyday. If he wasn't interested then why keep in contact with me!

[Honeycomb8]

You made the arrangement about sex and with no effort on his part. I think it won't be more than that.

[Lpritchette]

WELP I saw him, first day he hasent texted me first or goodmorning so I was all upset all day until I gathered the courage to text him first but not until like 9 at night...I ended up going to his place again since he had friends over. I joked that he needs to come to my place since I always go to him, he opened up and ended up saying that he wanted to wait a bit because he didn't want my ex to show up while he's there (which I reassured him would not happen)

we had sex again once everyone left. Before I left as he was kissing me goodbye I was so nervous so I don't remember exactly what was said but I gathered the courage to say "I've been meaning to ask, are you looking to continue to just keep hooking up? Or.... because every time I see you it's always at your place and like 10 at night" (trying to make it seem like I just don't want to be just a botycall and not so much like date me date right now) which he joked and said "well you were the one to hit me up at 9 tonight" and ended up saying " I'd be down to hang out during the daylight"

 

He ended up saying something like "*something something sonething* I don't have time for that right now" (meaning a relationship) which I was totally understanding with because I know he has a busy life, I just didn't want to be JUST a booty call. But he did say after that "if it makes you feel any better you're the only one/person/girl I'm talking to right now"

 

And that was that. I texted him when I got home saying I didn't mean to just spring that on him I just wanted to know I didn't want to come off the wrong way at first. And now he's texting me as per usual.. not too sure how to feel about this?

[Honeycomb8]

He has now told you he doesn't want a relationship and is clearly wanting a booty call, yet you're still texting him? Unless that's what you're after too, you need to stop and get a grip.

 

 

Darn.

 

He txts you cos it's easy and he likes attention. He also thinks now that he's said that, the fact you're apologising and still texting him shows you are wanting casual sex too, and lack self esteem. Cos anyone with self respect wouldn't be texting him still.

[reinventmyself]

 

He ended up saying something like "*something something sonething* I don't have time for that right now" (meaning a relationship) But he did say after that "if it makes you feel any better you're the only one/person/girl I'm talking to right now"

 

Decoded: You are the only booty call I have going on right now.

[katrina1980]

 

But he did say after that "if it makes you feel any better you're the only one/person/girl I'm talking to right now"

 

 

Oh good lordy, if it makes *you* feel any better?!!

 

This would NOT have sat well with me at all!

 

Girl, if you insist on keeping this going, you need to flip this script, like immediately!

 

He knows he's "got" you -- right smack in the palm of his hand, and who put you there?

 

You did!!

 

And trust me this is not endearing you to him either, men don't respect women who allow them to call all the shots which is precisely what you're doing.

 

If this were me wanting a relationship, and he didn't, I'm done.

 

But since you wish to keep this *dance* going, which clearly HE is leading all the way, again you need to flip the script.

 

Stop texting him and don't jump immediately and return his. Wait a bit, even a day, or two! Let him double text!

 

Stop accepting late night "dates" (booty calls). Unless he texts at a decent hour, preferably the day before, and asks you out on a proper date, you are *not* available.

 

Let him wonder about you! Why you're not jumping like a trained puppy whenever he rings.

 

Start respecting yourself, a man will never respect you unless you respect yourself first.

 

And sorry but your actions do not reflect self-respect. Not in his eyes, guarantee.

 

Is this a game? You bet ya, but since you insist on keeping this going (I personally wouldn't) learn to play otherwise he (or any man) will eat you up (and toss you out when he's had enough).

 

It IS possible to flip this around, but you need to up your game. Big time.

 

Again, I'm sick of games, so I wouldn't, but its your life, your call to make, not mine.

 

Good luck!

[Lpritchette]

Thank you thank you! I know, it's just weird timing because I really did just end things with my ex, I haven't been alone like EVER really and I just like him soooo much. I always have.

So the day after I sprung this question on him he did text me but then stopped during the day- whatever, still on social media and stuff during the day whatever..

Then the next day I got NOTHING, first day he's never texted me and I did NOT reach out to him. It's the weekend so I reached out to him today actually just showing him a silly picture from work, he responded a bit and now nothing... I'm scared I ruined things?

Every time I would freak out thinking he lost interest he would always end up doing something to reassure me now I'm stuck in this.

Just blaming myself at this point...

[boltnrun]

What was there to "ruin"? Being his on-call booty provider? When you want more?

 

It's not like if you didn't ask he would have suddenly wanted to date you like a girlfriend. That ship sailed.

 

Yes, he is interested in hookups. I know several men who would be interested in that arrangement. But it doesn't mean they want me for their girlfriend.

[figureitout23]

Thank you thank you! I know, it's just weird timing because I really did just end things with my ex, I haven't been alone like EVER really and I just like him soooo much. I always have.

So the day after I sprung this question on him he did text me but then stopped during the day- whatever, still on social media and stuff during the day whatever..

Then the next day I got NOTHING, first day he's never texted me and I did NOT reach out to him. It's the weekend so I reached out to him today actually just showing him a silly picture from work, he responded a bit and now nothing... I'm scared I ruined things?

Every time I would freak out thinking he lost interest he would always end up doing something to reassure me now I'm stuck in this.

Just blaming myself at this point...

 

Oh boy... where to start.

 

Ive been where you are, fresh out of a long relationship, thinking I could handle casual, I latched onto him like a vice. If I knew then what I know now!

 

Like bolt said, what was there to ruin? Looking at this objectively, he was the one reaping the benefits of you leading with sex. This was not a for tat. He knew what to and what not to say. Men who want to keep women on the line know to say just enough to keep you hooked while never actually having to do anything. And who can blame them for learning this trick it works wonders.

 

Youve attached your self worth to this man. Its the only way to explain why you would be fearful that expressing your desires, subtly as humanly possible would be seen as a negative. Its not, this man was never going to pursue anything serious with you.

[Wiseman2]

He's got a good point. If you want hookups keep doing what you're doing. If not, stop. He's being very straight forward and crystal clear on booty call only. Nothing wrong with that since it seems to work for both of you and you in fact seek it out and initiate. However don't think w this will turn into more after his announcement.

he joked and said "well you were the one to hit me up at 9 tonight"

He ended up saying something like "I don't have time for that right now" (meaning a relationship)

[Lpritchette]

WELP my only guess here is I scared him? Even though he said I'm the "only one he's talking to" and he doesn't mind hanging out during the "daytime" and "we'll grab drinks" the day after I asked him what's up he texted me but the day after that NOTHING the day after that I reached out he responded real quick then NOTHING, past 2 days NOTHING. But still watching my "Instagram stories" now I feel like an idiot if I reached out to him....

I'm so hurt right now I feel like I ruined it even if it was only casual sex then. How can someone talk to you ever day be so affectionate then tell me and reassure me I'm the only one then just STOP but still look at my stuff and post stuff?

I have too much anxiety for this. It's probably a lost cause but if I have nothing to lose is reaching one one last time asking like "what's up/what happened" stupid?

(Again I usually jump from relationship to relationship so this is like rocking my damn world here that someone can just stop talking to me and BS but still watch all my stuff)

[boltnrun]

Please do not "reach out one last time". Hold onto your dignity if nothing else.

 

And how has jumping from one relationship to another been working for you so far?

[Wiseman2]

Stop chasing him or being hurt when he's been very upfront and honest with you about not wanting any dating or relationship situation with you. Who cares what he's doing on social media? He's not interested in anything more than booty call and you are too. That is crystal clear in his words and actions and your actions of calling him late and running over for sex. What is it you want from this? Be honest with yourself about what you can and can't handle and what you do and don't want. If you text 'wassup'...late enough perhaps he'll respond and you can continue the casual sex you want.

I'm so hurt right now I feel like I ruined it even if it was only casual sex then. is reaching one one last time asking like "what's up/what happened" stupid?

[figureitout23]

WELP my only guess here is I scared him? Even though he said I'm the "only one he's talking to" and he doesn't mind hanging out during the "daytime" and "we'll grab drinks" the day after I asked him what's up he texted me but the day after that NOTHING the day after that I reached out he responded real quick then NOTHING, past 2 days NOTHING. But still watching my "Instagram stories" now I feel like an idiot if I reached out to him....

I'm so hurt right now I feel like I ruined it even if it was only casual sex then. How can someone talk to you ever day be so affectionate then tell me and reassure me I'm the only one then just STOP but still look at my stuff and post stuff?

I have too much anxiety for this. It's probably a lost cause but if I have nothing to lose is reaching one one last time asking like "what's up/what happened" stupid?

(Again I usually jump from relationship to relationship so this is like rocking my damn world here that someone can just stop talking to me and BS but still watch all my stuff)

 

You did not scare him away, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

Him reducing his contact, this is my personal opinion, I'm not stating it as fact no one knows his thoughts but him but just basing it on how these things seem to go, he knows the jig is up, so now he has to change it up. He's going to give you distance and hit you up again after a while knowing you will be so excited to hear from him and afraid he will disappear you'll go back to the status quo.