Sad ending ...

[PantherEyes]

I was seeing/dating a guy but our relationship ended in our 3 months mark together. I met him through a friend. From the first date we really connected and everyday we spoke. I really like him and I wanted us to take the next step together and make our relationship official.

 

I waited like 2 months and a half before starting having sex with him. It was truly amazing and we both enjoyed so much. However for me it is very important to define relationships and put a title on ours.

 

On our 3 months mark, I opened up to him about this matter and told him that I didnt feel confortable sleeping with him if we were bf/gf. We already had that talk before abd he has said to me that he likes to take his time to get to know the other person and thinks titles are pointless if everything is going well. He is a VERY good guy, very thoughtful and amazing with me. Anyways, I basically told him that we should stop having sex until we define our relationship and he was very chocked and upset. He thought at first I was joking and he said that he didn't see it coming.

 

Two days later after ignoring all my calls and texts, we meet up and he tells me that this is not the relationship that he wants and that he cant continue like that. He said that now it will be very unnatural for him to touch me and would not know what to do since we cant sleep together anymore.... I told him why titles were important to me and he told me that he couldve just given me the gf title but it wouldnt be authentic....he said that he was very hurt by this whole thing and it hurts him to let me go.... I asked him if this was the last time we were gonna see each other and he said it is very sad...

 

The moment I got home he sends me a picture from me and my friend he had on jis phone so I texted him a day later "thanks fr the photo" and he responds by talking about my coming internship but doesnt continue further.

 

What should I do? Am I wrong for giving titles such an importance when everything else is perfect?!

 

Ps: I still have some of his stuff like tupperware...Should I go give to him or just text him...I feel like I need an excuse to go see him but It might be awkard after all...

What Do I do??

[DanZee]

Well, the honeymoon is over. There's a honeymoon period in every relationship where everything is lovey-dovey, but then cracks start showing up. I think you pushed him, ending the honeymoon period, and you started seeing the real him. He's not the nice guy you thought he was. And you did nothing wrong. You just sped things up by suggesting you be boyfriend-girlfriend. And what's wrong with that? Nothing. Especially not after you had sex with him.

 

As for his stuff, you don't need an excuse to see him. You're not going to get closure. Leave his stuff somewhere where he can pick it up, or drop it off in front of his door. Ship it to him if you want. He's not a nice guy. Get him his stuff and then go total No Contact. Block him, delete him, never talk to him again. He's not worth it.

[ThatwasThen]

Personally, I don't think this has anything to do with a honeymoon period ending but rather he just didn't want to be with a girl that wouldn't have sex with him. He doesn't believe in labels after all.

 

I think you did the right thing by maintaining your personal boundary of not having sex until you are in a committed relationship... the only problem is that you had the sex first and then told him what you needed instead of telling him what you needed, seeing if he agreed and then having sex with him.

 

Don't regret your decision because he clearly didn't have the same romantic relationship boundaries as you do and that makes you incompatible for the long haul. If he was really interested then he wouldn't let you go and he would have made your relationship official.

[Capricorn3]

On our 3 months mark, I opened up to him about this matter and told him that I didnt feel confortable sleeping with him if we were bf/gf.

Not sure if I'm understanding this correctly, but if you "didn't feel comfortable sleeping with him if we were bf/gf", then what exactly would make you feel comfortable? What kind of title were you after? Isn't "bf/gf" already a title? What other title did you want? Fiancee?

[ThatwasThen]

Not sure if I'm understanding this correctly, but if you "didn't feel comfortable sleeping with him if we were bf/gf", then what exactly would make you feel comfortable? What kind of title were you after? Isn't "bf/gf" already a title? What other title did you want? Fiancee?

 

I think she meant to say "weren't" instead of "were."

[PantherEyes]

Sorry that was a typo ....if we weren't bf/gf ...I wanted us to be official because for me titles are important and it implies commitment and being accountable.

[maew]

I'm kind of on his side. You tried using sex to force him to put a title on you. That's confusing and manipulative. If you wanted a title, you should have gotten one prior to having sex. If he wouldn't do it, then you shouldn't have continued and found someone who is willing to be in the same place relationship wise as you are. You can't have sex and then cut it like that. I'd be annoyed AF lol

 

Sorry but I agree with this too... if you wanted a title before having sex... why did you have it in the first place?!

 

We all have the right to change our minds of course but he also has the right to be upset at your decision.

[reinventmyself]

Not sure if I'm understanding this correctly, but if you "didn't feel comfortable sleeping with him if we were bf/gf", then what exactly would make you feel comfortable? What kind of title were you after? Isn't "bf/gf" already a title? What other title did you want? Fiancee?

I think it was a typo. .`weren't, not were?

 

Anyway . . I agree with a couple others. Have that conversation before you have sex with someone and not after. But, having said that if he was really into you, he wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.

 

Now he's texting. . uhhmmm. . I can see how that's confusing! If it doesn't bother you, just play that day by day.

 

If it ends up as a continual mixed message then I would tell him that I needed to limit my contact with him and move along. If anything changes to please let me know.

 

Again . .Don't have sex with someone when you want some sort of commitment first.

He may feel like you toyed with him.

 

It's ok. I've done the same thing. But I apologized and told him that I made mistake. That I thought I could handle it and retrospect it goes against what feels comfortable to me. I didn't ask him for anything in return. I was just taking care of myself.

 

And I don't get hung up on titles. It feels so daunting and formal. I would ask for some exclusivity. That the two of you are agreeing to be mutually exclusive for the time being if you are going to be having sex.

[Capricorn3]

ok, thanks ladies. Typos can definitely put a different spin on things, lol.

[Capricorn3]

I'm kind of on his side. You tried using sex to force him to put a title on you. That's confusing and manipulative. If you wanted a title, you should have gotten one prior to having sex. If he wouldn't do it, then you shouldn't have continued and found someone who is willing to be in the same place relationship wise as you are. You can't have sex and then cut it like that. I'd be annoyed AF lol

 

I second this post.

[PantherEyes]

Last time we spoke, I did apoligize on several occasions and told him That I should have been more clear on my expectations and that I should have waited first to be commited before getting physical with him. I told him that I do take all the blame for that. Since we already had that conversation in the past about titles, I tried to do it his way and adapt to his way of thinking. I convinced myself that maybe I was doing things the wrong way and that maybe indeed what was the point of titles if Everything was perfect. He treated me with respect, was very attentive to my needs and we always had the best conversations together. On our first date after having a coffee at a shop, we went dancing together and ended up in a parking lot talking for hours about life until the morning. We had a good chemistry so that is why I think I let myself go but ended up not being confortable without tites even though he did nothing to make me feel unconfortable when we were intimate. we even had some discussions about marriage and the future and I could see that he saw himself with me on the long run. But with that beng said, it just cant get out of my head the fact that he says it saddens him to let me go and is willing to stop seeing me just because of that. By opening up to him, I was sure he was gonna respect my decision and we were gonna continue seeing each other without physical intimacy and without commitment until we are both on the same page. So it really made me questions if he was that into me.

 

Also, he did say that he is by nature suspicious and he is always asking me specefic questions about my past relationships. He needs constant reassurance and doubts every guy friend I had in my life if we had something more. I dont know it might be some trust issues that he might have.....His mother abandonned him at a very young age... Anyways Its the first time that I go against my values cause I can tell that he is a very good guy.

 

Ps . I think like the second time we saw each other he brought me some groceries all organic cause he knows I eat healthy. That is so cute and I never receiced that kind of attention like that from a guy before. So I feel like I lost someone who I couldve had a serious and a beautiful relationship with.

[Amalia13]

Don't take the blame. You did what you had to. What was the alternative? You can say coulda woulda shoulda, but the fact is you did sleep with him. Then when you were uncomfortable, and not able to turn back time, then what? Continue having (bad) sex? What kind of a woman would force herself to have sex against her own will? Of course you had to stop! For the simple reason you couldn't do it anymore.

You communicated. What was his reaction? He can be upset, ok. But he actually walked away from the table, turned his back on you. He didn't try to give it time. He acted like a brat who's been denied something. When someone means something to you, you don't discard them so easily. Instead, you should keep communication channels open, you let things unfold. Everyone compromises in relationships, people work things out. But he cut you off so that there's no chance, no hope.

[Zippy2000]

I don't think there is anything wrong with "titles". You want to become boyfriend/girlfriend and become exclusive. Theres nothing wrong for asking the next level of commitment.

 

I agree with every relationship there is a honey moon period and since this has passed. People will show their true colours. People who want to be with you will make the effort. Give it a bit of time and space to see where it goes. He is still talking to you so that is a good thing.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. The words marriage, kids and commitment should not be in the conversation on first dates. There's time to learn about that. What you should strive for is exclusive dating when having sex. Titles are ridiculous and that was your downfall. The second mistake was the ultimatum you imposed. The third was backpedaling about wanting commitments etc before sex...after already having sex. Unfortunately all this makes you come across as flaky, desperate or not in control of yourself.

 

It would benefit you to come across with more confidence. That means you interpret dating as the get to know you phase and not the nailing down a commitment and talking about marriage phase. This comes across as clingy. Your employing an ultimatum would have given anyone insight into this type of manipulation and desperation and would be turned off no matter how well things were going. Take one step at a time, build some confidence and when ready have the exclusive talk before sex and stop with the ridiculous titles.

I should have waited first to be commited before getting physical with him. we even had some discussions about marriage and the future and I could see that he saw himself with me on the long run.

[reinventmyself]

I personally believe she went into this with the best of intentions. She allowed her heart to guide her, but when then the intellectual part of her caught up, she second guessed her actions. I don't think she was consciously being manipulative, but if he is suspicious by nature I can see how he might feel as he was.

 

I get why she handled it the way she did and it proved to be a learning experience and she'll likely handle it differently next time. That and all the future forecasting might make anyone nervous.

 

I also understand why he back peddled. .but he's not entirely gone yet.

Give him some space to mull it over. It's all you can do.

[PantherEyes]

The sex was awesome and yeah you are right that is what hurt me the most that he was willing to let me go...

[Fishbite]

I'm kind of on his side. You tried using sex to force him to put a title on you. That's confusing and manipulative. If you wanted a title, you should have gotten one prior to having sex. If he wouldn't do it, then you shouldn't have continued and found someone who is willing to be in the same place relationship wise as you are. You can't have sex and then cut it like that. I'd be annoyed AF lol

 

I agree. Games!

[Sportster2005]

You set a boundary, and he didn't agree. Time to move on. It's your right to define how you want to be treated, and how you want to relate, and how you wish to have sex. If someone has a problem with it, they aren't a good match.

 

When I was young I would always say things like "titles don't mean anything". What I really meant was "I want to have sex with you for as long as you will let me, without making a commitment". I believe if your having sex with someone you should be in a relationship, or in an FWB relationship. Any vague grey area in between is just bull.

[HeartGoesOn]

Anyways, I basically told him that we should stop having sex until we define our relationship and he was very chocked and upset.

 

It sounds like you set a trap, and it backfired. As I've said before, "once the toothpaste is out of the tube, you can't put it back in."

 

I'd let this one go, and take the lesson with me.