Is it too much, or not?

[goddess]

Hi! It's me again. In your opinion, is doing a little sexual something (10-15 minutes/day) or even twice a day too much? This is in addition to regular sex, including oral sex, 4-5 times a week. For me, I think it's a bit much. Just wondering. I'm 66 and he's 53. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

[Seraphim]

Yes. Especially if it is not something you like.

[j.man]

Anything you're not sexually comfortable enough is "too much." For instance, if you don't like performing oral, then even once a week would be. Assert your sexual boundaries, and if he doesn't like it, he's free to grab a computer and squeeze one out.

[arjumand]

If you are threatened with "consequences" as a result of not doing as he wants, that is coercive and abusive.

[goddess]

Yes. Especially if it is not something you like.

 

Some of the things that he wants me to do are rather odd. I think so too.

[goddess]

Anything you're not sexually comfortable enough is "too much." For instance, if you don't like performing oral, then even once a week would be. Assert your sexual boundaries, and if he doesn't like it, he's free to grab a computer and squeeze one out.

 

I agree, I am not very comfortable with some of the things he wants but I wish to please him, so I compromise to some degree. Not enough, as far as he is concerned.

[goddess]

If you are threatened with "consequences" as a result of not doing as he wants, that is coercive and abusive.

 

He's already threatened me with divorce 2-3 times already over this issue. He told me me the day before Mother's Day that wants a divorce. Can you believe that? It's of paramount importance to him and I get it but, frankly, I just don't find the frequency appealing, nor some of the things that he wants done. He wants me to tease him to near orgasm and then for me to stop, and repeat. A little every day - really?? I do make a sincere effort but it's somewhat of a turn-off for me. It's just too much...

[SGH]

Having different sexual drives is a serious long-term incompatibility, and one that is not easy to "fix". You should only have the amount and type of sex you are comfortable with. The fact that you are stretching yourself and he is still threatening to divorce you indicates the relationship has become abusive. I am someone who also works hard to please a partner and will sometimes go out of my comfort zone, but there are lines and limits. Divorce can be a very traumatic experience, but perhaps it wouldn't be the worst outcome for your relationship.

[LootieTootie]

Hi! It's me again. In your opinion, is doing a little sexual something (10-15 minutes/day) or even twice a day too much? This is in addition to regular sex, including oral sex, 4-5 times a week. For me, I think it's a bit much. Just wondering. I'm 66 and he's 53. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

 

Yes... Is he a sex addict? Just curious.

[goddess]

In my sincere opinion, I also feel that I, like you, work hard to please him although not as often as he wants and, let me tell you, that I certainly have gone way out of my comfort zone. I am truly saddened that he is unable to appreciate that. But, to divorce over this after 29 years is a bit much.

[goddess]

I'm not sure if he is or not. I can tell you that he has some odd fetishes, which I don't particularly like, but I do them to a certain point and frequency to make him happy.

[SherrySher]

Would you ever consider an open relationship? That way you could still be in a relationship but he could get his sexual sides taken care of without you being hassled.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are in the 'bargaining phase' mentally to avoid the real issue of his threatening divorce and how terrified you are of that as well as all the other coercive, manipulative behaviors. Your age, the frequency, the activities themselves are all irrelevant compared to the gaslighting and divorce threats to get you to comply.

 

It sounds like he's still wearing you down and you are still questioning everything...trying to desperately avert his divorce threats. Eventually because you haven't sought therapy or objective professional support, things will just limp along like this vacillating between his threats and your compliance.

In your opinion, is doing a little sexual something (10-15 minutes/day) or even twice a day too much? This is in addition to regular sex, including oral sex, 4-5 times a week. For me, I think it's a bit much. Just wondering. I'm 66 and he's 53. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts.

[goddess]

Would you ever consider an open relationship? That way you could still be in a relationship but he could get his sexual sides taken care of without you being hassled.

 

I'm afraid not. I'm old school and I believe in the husband/wife (no outsiders) concept. I just couldn't deal with that; 100% sure.

[goddess]

Unfortunately it sounds like you are in the 'bargaining phase' mentally to avoid the real issue of his threatening divorce and how terrified you are of that as well as all the other coercive, manipulative behaviors. Your age, the frequency, the activities themselves are all irrelevant compared to the gaslighting and divorce threats to get you to comply.

 

It sounds like he's still wearing you down and you are still questioning everything...trying to desperately avert his divorce threats. Eventually because you haven't sought therapy or objective professional support, things will just limp along like this vacillating between his threats and your compliance.

 

No, I accept the fact that a divorce is the answer all around, but do realize that, after being with one man for 29 years and then divorcing, is not easy to digest. There are strong feelings and emotions involved. I am slowly coming to terms with it (I have my good days and my bad days). Is it what I want? No, but you can't always get what you want, for sure. I will say that I do NOT want to be with a man who is unappreciative of what he does have and is willing to dissolve a marriage because of this one issue. He isn't perfect (as none of us are) and I've put up with a lot of his nonsense throughout the years (and so has he, to be fair) but I've been able to forgive him because I do love him unconditionally. He tends to tenaciously hold on to the past and because of that, he spends a lot of time being angry and resentful. That's his downfall.

 

One final thing: I did ask him if he was willing to go to therapy with me (again); he's not willing. We did talk but he's made it clear as to what he wants. I have not tried to change his mind since our discussion two weeks ago. I do have self-respect.

[SherrySher]

He sounds like he has his mind made up.

[goddess]

He sounds like he has his mind made up.

 

He does. I would rather not, if I had my way although, if I truly think about it, I am realizing that I am somewhat relieved. Sad, but oddly relieved. Why stay with someone who's mentioned divorce several times in the past 3-4 years? Still, I feel a loss because we did have some wonderful times (along with some not so wonderful) but it's all part of a marriage, I believe. One encounters hurdles and they deal with them together and conquer them. I'm just glad my kids are in their 20's now. It bothers me to have to give them this news.

[abitbroken]

Are you disappointed in the answers you received on your other thread??

 

If i didn't know the situation, i would say "no, doing something sexual for 10 minutes twice a day is not too much! cupping a breast, giving someone a little flirty wandering hand while they are getting ready for work, sometimes a quickie is not too much to ask." But then i read the REST of the story -- and its a different tale entirely....

[abitbroken]

No, I accept the fact that a divorce is the answer all around, but do realize that, after being with one man for 29 years and then divorcing, is not easy to digest. There are strong feelings and emotions involved. I am slowly coming to terms with it (I have my good days and my bad days). Is it what I want? No, but you can't always get what you want, for sure. I will say that I do NOT want to be with a man who is unappreciative of what he does have and is willing to dissolve a marriage because of this one issue. He isn't perfect (as none of us are) and I've put up with a lot of his nonsense throughout the years (and so has he, to be fair) but I've been able to forgive him because I do love him unconditionally. He tends to tenaciously hold on to the past and because of that, he spends a lot of time being angry and resentful. That's his downfall.

 

One final thing: I did ask him if he was willing to go to therapy with me (again); he's not willing. We did talk but he's made it clear as to what he wants. I have not tried to change his mind since our discussion two weeks ago. I do have self-respect.

 

The problem is not doing something sexy twice a day -- the problem is that he has been threatening divorce for years because you would not do what he wants you to do and its way more than vanilla sex. Threatening to divorce like that off and on is what the real problem, at least for me, is.

[goddess]

Are you disappointed in the answers you received on your other thread??

 

If i didn't know the situation, i would say "no, doing something sexual for 10 minutes twice a day is not too much! cupping a breast, giving someone a little flirty wandering hand while they are getting ready for work, sometimes a quickie is not too much to ask." But then i read the REST of the story -- and its a different tale entirely....

 

No, it's actually helped me to see the situation and the workings of my marriage more clearly. I can be dense and naive at times, and people gave me their objective answers, which I appreciated. Thank you for answering yet again.

[goddess]

The problem is not doing something sexy twice a day -- the problem is that he has been threatening divorce for years because you would not do what he wants you to do and its way more than vanilla sex. Threatening to divorce like that off and on is what the real problem, at least for me, is.

 

Yes, that's not a happy way to live. Like walking on eggs if I don't do what he wants. You know, it's not so much what he wants (I've gotten used to some of those bizarre things) but it's the frequency and his consequent anger if I stop after a number of weeks. I felt like I had a "to do" list. Too rigid.

[SGH]

Well, I certainly hope that your situation improves in whatever way is best. The other members really hit the nail on the head - I wasn't implying divorce was a reasonable outcome because of sexual issues alone but because of how he reacts to those issues. That intense form of manipulation where he threatens to leave you unless you abide by exactly what he wants is not limited to one area in a relationship. The sexual issues may be a big fighting point, but it shows that he doesn't respect your boundaries or your relationship. If you feel like there are a rigid set of "rules" that you cannot step outside of without being threatened, he is abusive point blank.

[Wiseman2]

Of course the threat of divorce is devastating, particularly after so long. It's not "this one issue". He wants You to feel guilty for the divorce and constantly second guess yourself, just like he wants you to trust him with the ridiculous suggestion of only using his attorney. It's all part of the same mental abuse. Do not go to therapy with him. Go for yourself so you can let a professional advise you about his abusive behaviors and help you navigate to freedom. That is the first step. "Unconditional love"? Well he certainly doesn't reciprocate that and you'll be much happier on the other side of this when you are free and whole again without his anger and head games occupying your every thought and your entire existence.

willing to dissolve a marriage because of this one issue. he spends a lot of time being angry and resentful.

[goddess]

Of course the threat of divorce is devastating, particularly after so long. It's not "this one issue". He wants You to feel guilty for the divorce and constantly second guess yourself, just like he wants you to trust him with the ridiculous suggestion of only using his attorney. It's all part of the same mental abuse. Do not go to therapy with him. Go for yourself so you can let a professional advise you about his abusive behaviors and help you navigate to freedom. That is the first step. "Unconditional love"? Well he certainly doesn't reciprocate that and you'll be much happier on the other side of this when you are free and whole again without his anger and head games occupying your every thought and your entire existence.

 

How right you are. He actual said "I hope you're happy about this." He is making this out to be my fault. He's a master in twisting things around to make it look like it's my fault. He's very convincing and I wind up agreeing with him. I never, ever suggested divorce in spite of his shortcomings. Geez, what is wrong with me? I'm beginning to see more clearly. I will go to therapy and sort this out.

[goddess]

Well, I certainly hope that your situation improves in whatever way is best. The other members really hit the nail on the head - I wasn't implying divorce was a reasonable outcome because of sexual issues alone but because of how he reacts to those issues. That intense form of manipulation where he threatens to leave you unless you abide by exactly what he wants is not limited to one area in a relationship. The sexual issues may be a big fighting point, but it shows that he doesn't respect your boundaries or your relationship. If you feel like there are a rigid set of "rules" that you cannot step outside of without being threatened, he is abusive point blank.

 

Agreed. His reaction is too extreme. It's not that I deny him normal sex; quite the opposite. I personally feel that divorcing is a bit drastic and he should be more than grateful for all that he has but he apparently feel differently. Actually, I believe he sees himself as the victim and consequently he's very unhappy in the marriage. He puts way too much weight on this.