When to define relationship

[Maddyb12]

Hello!

 

Okay all, I’m writing this purely for advice not because I’m making rash decisions and scarring an awesome guy. In the last month I’ve started seeing someone who I have known for about two years through friends. We hit it off really well and everything is awesome. We don’t text often and I believe it’s due to work he works verybdifferent hours than me and is a linemen for an electrical company so he is often without phone. He does call every few nights if not every night. He invited me to see him out of town (1.5 hr) this weekend because he is stuck there on a job till end of the month. I went, we went out to dinner walked around the city and went back to his hotel and I left in the morning to get back to work. I don’t believe it’s a purely physical thing, he asked me to stay the whole day today to do some adventures but I couldn’t take off work. He’s expressed that he likes me but from what I’ve heard he has little experience dating. Anyway we have gone out about four times now over the span of a month but we have an hour distance between us, at what point do I bring up defining the relationship and how long do I stay cool and casual for? He mentioned last night one of the reasons he developed feelings for me originally was because I was straight forward and don’t play games. Part of me wants to ask what we are but I know that’s a big turn off. I guess I’m just curious?

[HeartGoesOn]

My thoughts are, one month is a bit too soon to define the relationship. At any rate, I would definitely hold off being intimate before knowing where I stand...JMO.

[Maddyb12]

My thoughts are, one month is a bit too soon to define the relationship. At any rate, I would definitely hold off being intimate before knowing where I stand...JMO.

 

Thank you for your advice. We have already become intimate lol

[boltnrun]

I guess I will never understand how people.can be perfectly comfortable taking off their clothes and allowing someone inside their bodies, but they're not comfortable asking that same person a simple question.

 

Would you be ok if you found out he just wants casual sex?

 

Anyway, if knowing is important then you need to ask him. Ask if he considers you two to be an exclusive, dating couple.

[Maddyb12]

I guess I will never understand how people.can be perfectly comfortable taking off their clothes and allowing someone inside their bodies, but they're not comfortable asking that same person a simple question.

 

Would you be ok if you found out he just wants casual sex?

 

Anyway, if knowing is important then you need to ask him. Ask if he considers you two to be an exclusive, dating couple.

 

I guess I just don’t think it’s about just sex so I would be very surprised if that were the case. But because of distance etc I’m not really sure what he’s thinking. I’m not ashamed to have gotten intimate on third date, it felt right and that’s that. I won’t hold resentment or regret I’m very comfortable with my sexual choices. I just don’t want to ask too soon and would prefer if he brought it up first

[Cope]

I do think a month is too soon. I'd let the things run naturally. BUT, it highly depends on how much this is worrying you or not. If you truly get indications that this isn't casual and that's what you want, then wait it out until you need to know. That's what I would do, but it hasn't done me much good. edited to add: You need to know what you want before talking to him and that might take time, no rush as long as this isn't something you're obsessing over, which as I see it, you're not

 

That said, if he gets scared off, then he wasn't really there for something more to begin with. So instead of looking at talking about it as something that will scare him off, look at it as something you want; something you need to communicate with him to make things better for both. If you are sure that you want to take this further, talk about it. Ask it from him and see if he agrees. This thing that makes us women scared to ask for what we want in fear of scaring guys off is annoying. I'm currently working on it and got some good advice here like, "a woman that asks questions, good questions, is a woman that is confident, knows what she wants and knows who she is.". If he gets scared off as if you were asking him to marry you, than good riddance. Also, if he was to ask you that he wants to be exclusive, would you scare away?

 

I'm clearly struggling with a similar situation and that's what I'm sharing. One thing I've learned is to own what you feel and want and be confident about it as much as you can. Sure, don't confess an undying love for him or the names of your future babies (lol,I'm sure that's not the case. It ceased being the case since the 50's), but asking him that you want to be exclusive or you would like to see where this goes shouldn't be a subject that scares us to bring up.

No need to put a label on it, but asking for exclusivity or stating that this is nice and you'd like to see where it's going is something we shouldn't be afraid of.In the dating world today where everything is fluid, it's nice to know where you're standing. The sooner, the better.

 

.

[figureitout23]

I guess I just don’t think it’s about just sex so I would be very surprised if that were the case. But because of distance etc I’m not really sure what he’s thinking. I’m not ashamed to have gotten intimate on third date, it felt right and that’s that. I won’t hold resentment or regret I’m very comfortable with my sexual choices. I just don’t want to ask too soon and would prefer if he brought it up first

 

If sex was no big deal to you, you wouldnt be freaking out trying to put a label on things. It took me dating a man I felt secure with to realize, when there's a huge rush to label things, it's usually about insecurity and fear. Your anxiety is running the show.

 

Seems like he wants to date the girl you're pretending to be.Straightforward and don't play games but you're afraid of turning him off if you ask him a basic question....let that sink in.

 

With that being said, me personally? I don't think it's too soon at all, from your posts you sound to be between the ages of 17 and 21. A month is plenty of time, have the talk. Where are we going with this, what are you looking for? Hell I ask that one on date one, don't see the problem asking it after you've taken your bra off.

 

Be that girl, speak up. If that's a quality he likes, all the more reason to.

[j.man]

I've only ever discussed exclusivity, not "labels," and that talk has nearly always come much later than 1.5 months in, though mileage understandably varies as far as that goes.

 

I'm assuming at some point while first dating, you had some discussion over what you were both looking for, even if in a general sense and not necessarily specific to each other. Why the rush to label, then? While it'd be too soon for me, I don't think 1.5 months is so extreme it would send anyone running if he really were digging you. But I'd be ready to accept he might not want to commit to that quite yet. It's anyone's guess, though. What I wouldn't do is make any labels of a focal point, though. Being able to say, "I know I like you enough to put other dating prospects on the backburner and see where it goes" is plenty without fretting over whether you call it a "relationship" or each other "boyfriend/girlfriend."

[Maddyb12]

If sex was no big deal to you, you wouldnt be freaking out trying to put a label on things. It took me dating a man I felt secure with to realize, when there's a huge rush to label things, it's usually about insecurity and fear. Your anxiety is running the show.

 

Seems like he wants to date the girl you're pretending to be.Straightforward and don't play games but you're afraid of turning him off if you ask him a basic question....let that sink in.

 

With that being said, me personally? I don't think it's too soon at all, from your posts you sound to be between the ages of 17 and 21. A month is plenty of time, have the talk. Where are we going with this, what are you looking for? Hell I ask that one on date one, don't see the problem asking it after you've taken your bra off.

 

Be that girl, speak up. If that's a quality he likes, all the more reason to.

 

The sex part isn’t a big deal to me truly. It’s more putting in an effort and driving out an hour to 1.5 hours away. Yes he’s offered to come out to me but I live with my sister so not ready to introduce him until I know what we are really doing. I understand where you’re coming from, I’m actually 25 haha. I’m not concerned about a label I’m not sure I would be ready to call him my boyfriend but I also don’t want to put in an effort with someone who’s somewhat long distance if it’s only ever going to be casual.

[Wiseman2]

Why do you need to ask him to 'define the relationship'? Define it yourself. Decide what you want, what's it's worth to you, what you want out of this now or later down the road, how much time and energy you want to spend and to what end, the pros and cons, etc. For example if you only want sex with each other and play "cool and casual" then state that. The most important thing is to be yourself, true to yourself and not play games like "cool and casual" just to hang on to anyone. If you don't want open relations, fwb, hookups, etc then act that way.

[thealchemist]

I wouldn't have sex until the relationship talk.

 

But if you have already become intimidate why does the talk really matter?

 

What boundary do you want to define, because I would just do that as they appear if you aren't waiting on sex until you have the exclusive talk.

[Maddyb12]

I don’t only want sex, I wouldn’t spend time with someone who’s a distance always just for sex. To be transparent I could find that where I live if that was the goal. I’m asking because at what point do you determine whether you are still open to seeing other people or essentially are still single? If that makes sense. I don’t want to waste my time going out somewhere somewhat far unless the end goal would be to be exclusive etc. but seeing as how we have just started to spend time together I’m not sure at what point that would happen.

[j.man]

So you two have never had even a vague discussion of what one or the other is looking for?

[Cope]

I don’t only want sex, I wouldn’t spend time with someone who’s a distance always just for sex. To be transparent I could find that where I live if that was the goal. I’m asking because at what point do you determine whether you are still open to seeing other people or essentially are still single? If that makes sense. I don’t want to waste my time going out somewhere somewhat far unless the end goal would be to be exclusive etc. but seeing as how we have just started to spend time together I’m not sure at what point that would happen.

 

You define the time. I totally agree with you on the sex part. Sex is easy to find and a relationship is way more than sex.

 

But, seriously, since you are starting to having thoughts that you need to know where this is going, the time is now. Don't wait for him. You need it now, or at least soon. Make sure you know what exactly you want out of this and under the current circumstances, prepare yourself for any outcome and ask him. No rush, yet no delay as in waiting for him to ask, needed.

[j.man]

So you two have never had even a vague discussion of what one or the other is looking for?

[Maddyb12]

You define the time. I totally agree with you on the sex part. Sex is easy to find and a relationship is way more than sex.

 

But, seriously, since you are starting to having thoughts that you need to know where this is going, the time is now. Don't wait for him. You need it now, or at least soon. Make sure you know what exactly you want out of this and under the current circumstances, prepare yourself for any outcome and ask him. No rush, yet no delay as in waiting for him to ask, needed.

 

Thank you! Do you think that’s something I should bring up next time we spend time together or do it via text or phone? It’s really not that I’m pushing for him to be my boyfriend but just to know the general direction it’s going so to be frank I’m not wasting my time.

[Maddyb12]

So you two have never had even a vague discussion of what one or the other is looking for?

 

Not exactly, this popped up out of nowhere and we’ve known eachother about two years. When we’ve gone on dates it’s been very fun, he’s mentioned future plans, that he has feelings for me but we haven’t talked about what we are but again we have only been out a few times now.

[Cope]

Thank you! Do you think that’s something I should bring up next time we spend time together or do it via text or phone? It’s really not that I’m pushing for him to be my boyfriend but just to know the general direction it’s going so to be frank I’m not wasting my time.

 

Definitely face to face! I'm a huge fan of texting and stuff, but things that matter should be face to face, to see his reactions. Texts can be misinterpreted. Phonecalls, maybe less, but still.

I think you shouldn't ask, just state how you see it and what you want and see what he has to say about it. Don't make assumptions like "I know you may think this is casual" or something like that. State what you want and let him reply. Good luck and keep us posted!!

[Tryingit]

There's no right or wrong to this but I would personally think it is too soon. 4 dates is nothing.

 

I think the expected norm is to have some kind of clarifying conversation around 3 months of dating, but it depends on how much time you spend together. If you spend 24/7 together, you can have the talk on day 5 lol. If you're seeing each other once a week, at LEAST 2 months.

[katrina1980]

The sex part isn’t a big deal to me truly. It’s more putting in an effort and driving out an hour to 1.5 hours away. Yes he’s offered to come out to me but I live with my sister so not ready to introduce him until I know what we are really doing. I understand where you’re coming from, I’m actually 25 haha. I’m not concerned about a label I’m not sure I would be ready to call him my boyfriend

 

____

 

.... but I also don’t want to put in an effort with someone who’s somewhat long distance if it’s only ever going to be casual.

 

You enjoy spending time with him? You enjoy the sex?

 

Is your life generally better, more fun, more enjoyable, since having him in it?

 

Is so, then why not put in the effort, why does it have to be "going somewhere"?

 

I've honestly never understood this.

 

Why can't two people have a fabulous time together, have hot sex together, support each other, be there for each other (emotionally) and not worry about "where it's going"?

 

Let it develop naturally and organically!

 

Heck, you admit you're not even ready to call him your boyfriend, you don't need a label, but yet you don't want casual ?

 

I'm confused, and my guess is if you bring this up right now, feeling as you do, he will be too.

 

In my opinion, no say nothing.

 

Continue spending time when you can, getting to know each other, and see how it plays out .... naturally.

 

When you are ready to call him your boyfriend and need more of a commitment, talk to him then.

 

In the meantime, you put in the effort to see him and let him put in the effort to see you.

 

Otherwise he will get lazy, let him put in the work!

 

Men value things more when they have to work a bit for it, women do as well.

 

So let him visit you sometimes, even if it means he stays in a motel or drives home afterwards, if you are uncomfortable having him meet your sister.

 

Don't let him get lazy, kiss of death!

 

And enjoy!

[figureitout23]

You enjoy spending time with him? You enjoy the sex?

 

Is your life generally better, more fun, more enjoyable, since having him in it?

Is so, then why not put in the effort, why does it have to be "going somewhere"?

 

I've honestly never understood this.

Why can't two people have a fabulous time together, have hot sex together, support each other, be there for each other (emotionally) and not worry about "where it's going"?

 

Let it develop naturally and organically!

 

Heck, you admit you're not even ready to call him your boyfriend, you don't need a label, but yet you don't want casual ?

 

I'm confused, and my guess is if you bring this up right now, feeling as you do, he will be too.

 

In my opinion, no say nothing.

 

Continue spending time when you can, getting to know each other, and see how it plays out .... naturally.

 

When you are ready to call him your boyfriend and need more of a commitment, talk to him then.

 

In the meantime, you put in the effort to see him and let him put in the effort to see you.

 

Otherwise he will get lazy, let him put in the work!

 

Men value things more when they have to work a bit for it, women do as well.

 

So let him visit you sometimes, even if it means he stays in a motel or drives home afterwards, if you are uncomfortable having him meet your sister.

 

Don't let him get lazy, kiss of death!

 

And enjoy!

 

I think you inadvertently hit the nail on the head Kat. Glaring contradiction.

 

I don't know why young women think older women cant recognize 'playing a role' from a mile away, like we never did the same thing ourselves when young.

 

wants to define relationship =/= doesn't want boyfriend.

 

Put that in a super computer, does not compute.

[Maddyb12]

I think you inadvertently hit the nail on the head Kat. Glaring contradiction.

 

I don't know why young women think older women cant recognize 'playing a role' from a mile away, like we never did the same thing ourselves when young.

 

wants to define relationship =/= doesn't want boyfriend.

 

Put that in a super computer, does not compute.

 

I never said I didn’t want a boyfriend but I know we aren’t there yet. My whole issue and reason for seeking advice is out of curiosity when should those things be talked about? I.e not seeing other people etc. I want to remind you that I never once said this was something I needed figured out this week or even next. What role am I playing?

[Maddyb12]

You enjoy spending time with him? You enjoy the sex?

 

Is your life generally better, more fun, more enjoyable, since having him in it?

 

Is so, then why not put in the effort, why does it have to be "going somewhere"?

 

I've honestly never understood this.

 

Why can't two people have a fabulous time together, have hot sex together, support each other, be there for each other (emotionally) and not worry about "where it's going"?

 

Let it develop naturally and organically!

 

Heck, you admit you're not even ready to call him your boyfriend, you don't need a label, but yet you don't want casual ?

 

I'm confused, and my guess is if you bring this up right now, feeling as you do, he will be too.

 

In my opinion, no say nothing.

 

Continue spending time when you can, getting to know each other, and see how it plays out .... naturally.

 

When you are ready to call him your boyfriend and need more of a commitment, talk to him then.

 

In the meantime, you put in the effort to see him and let him put in the effort to see you.

 

Otherwise he will get lazy, let him put in the work!

 

Men value things more when they have to work a bit for it, women do as well.

 

So let him visit you sometimes, even if it means he stays in a motel or drives home afterwards, if you are uncomfortable having him meet your sister.

 

Don't let him get lazy, kiss of death!

 

And enjoy!

 

I really appreciate your advice! You are correct in all that you say. Everything has been pretty great since we started seeing one another and i generally have no issues, even this isn’t an issue to me I just came here to feel out some advice as it’s been a while since I’ve been dating. I don’t mind casual! I just want to know relatively soon (to me within a month or two) if we are exclusive etc.. BECAUSE of the distance being traveled and effort being put in. He’s out of town for work until end of month but after that I’ll suggest he come out my way.

[figureitout23]

I never said I didn’t want a boyfriend but I know we aren’t there yet. My whole issue and reason for seeking advice is out of curiosity when should those things be talked about? I.e not seeing other people etc. I want to remind you that I never once said this was something I needed figured out this week or even next. What role am I playing?

 

Ok lets pull it back, I can be sarcastic at times and that can come off as judgement.

 

You said in your original post youre being 'calm and cool' and youre afraid of broaching the subject out of fear of scaring him away, so youre hiding your true feelings and wants and desires and needs all for the sake of not chasing him away.

 

Dont get me wrong, no one should allow their anxiety to run the show, that will indeed put a wrench on things but theres a difference between controlling anxiety and pretending.

 

Youre afraid to have a conversation you should have already had.

 

" What are you looking for?"

 

That's a date one question, but many, many, many women are taught by, I don't know, maybe society, that being straightforward and clear of their intentions is clingy or needy, when really its needed information. Like other posters have said you can take your clothes off but you cant ask him what his dating goals are. I dont care how 'not that big of a deal' sex is to you, that's backwards.

 

Again, the irony is you say he stated your straightforwardness is something he is attracted to and you cant be straightforward with him.

 

Just be straightforward.

[Maddyb12]

I feel that all your replies somehow are you insulting me in some way