When to define relationship

[Maddyb12]

Ok lets pull it back, I can be sarcastic at times and that can come off as judgement.

 

You said in your original post youre being 'calm and cool' and youre afraid of broaching the subject out of fear of scaring him away, so youre hiding your true feelings and wants and desires and needs all for the sake of not chasing him away.

 

Dont get me wrong, no one should allow their anxiety to run the show, that will indeed put a wrench on things but theres a difference between controlling anxiety and pretending.

 

Youre afraid to have a conversation you should have already had.

 

" What are you looking for?"

 

That's a date one question, but many, many, many women are taught by, I don't know, maybe society, that being straightforward and clear of their intentions is clingy or needy, when really its needed information. Like other posters have said you can take your clothes off but you cant ask him what his dating goals are. I dont care how 'not that big of a deal' sex is to you, that's backwards.

 

Again, the irony is you say he stated your straightforwardness is something he is attracted to and you cant be straightforward with him.

 

Just be straightforward.

 

Me referring to myself as calm and cool isn’t an act or a role. I’m easy going cool calm and collected at all times. On one hand you’re telling me this conversation should already have been had but I feel in other posts you’re agreeing that this conversation doesn’t need to be had? I’m not following. I never said I was straightforward- he called me that. I don’t think I am straightforward especially with dating. I do have anxiety and am very jaded from last experiences but I think this guy is a good one. I was generally just asking what people’s takes on when this kind of conversation should be had. In regards to me being intimidate anyone can see that as backwards but I’m comfortable and confident in my sexuality and body that if I want to practice safe and protected sex with someone I’m attracted to then I’m going to do it.

[figureitout23]

Me referring to myself as calm and cool isn’t an act or a role. I’m easy going cool calm and collected at all times. On one hand you’re telling me this conversation should already have been had but I feel in other posts you’re agreeing that this conversation doesn’t need to be had? I’m not following. I never said I was straightforward- he called me that. I don’t think I am straightforward especially with dating. I do have anxiety and am very jaded from last experiences but I think this guy is a good one. I was generally just asking what people’s takes on when this kind of conversation should be had. In regards to me being intimidate anyone can see that as backwards but I’m comfortable and confident in my sexuality and body that if I want to practice safe and protected sex with someone I’m attracted to then I’m going to do it.

 

 

There is a difference between, 'do you want to be my boyfriend?' and 'what are your dating goals', I think based on your writing youre in the middle of these two question, but you havent asked either one of them. "what are your dating goals should be asked early on so there's no confusion, you can know from day one if hes just looking for sex or is interested in long term or would prefer to get serious with someone closer. You don't truly know because you have yet to ask.

 

FWIW, I also think he sounds like a good guy, and I think things have a lot of potential, I also think, like I said before and probably from your past experiences, your anxiety and insecurities are running the show. I think the best way to calm them down is to discuss where you both would like things to go. The worst thing a person with anxiety can do is get into a nolabelship where nothing has been discussed, thats a breeding ground for anxiety to flourish, I know, I have anxiety, I'm not judging you.

 

If it makes you feel better for me to not say its your anxiety and insecurities but rather your concern about travel times because youre cool and calm fine, I still think you'll feel a lot better and be at ease if you discussed things.

[Cope]

That's a date one question, but many, many, many women are taught by, I don't know, maybe society, that being straightforward and clear of their intentions is clingy or needy, when really its needed information. Like other posters have said you can take your clothes off but you cant ask him what his dating goals are. I don't care how 'not that big of a deal' sex is to you, that's backwards.

 

This could be the subject of a whole thread! If anyone is interested, we can start one.

It is ironic that straightforwardness is valued more but at the same time, we feel that if we ask for what we want, we will be considered needy and/or clingy. I think it's because we focus on what men want and follow their needs. We need to put our needs first and urge others to do that too until this changes. Men who consider women clingy just because they stated their needs, are just not a good match for us. A good match does not run away.

 

 

As for seeing sex as backwards, I think we have a generation gap here. Sex is considered to not be a big deal lately. Now if that's working towards peoples benefit or not, is a whole other subject too.

 

Maddy, I do get where you're coming from. You do seem calm and cool about it, it's just confusing because you haven't had the basic talk about whether this is casual or not. The trouble with the dating scene nowadays is that everyone is fluid, and I can't blame them (us);you can't really know from the beginning where something is going to head. What we do know is our intentions. For example, you can talk to him about what you're telling us here, that you are not willing to form a casual long distance relationship because, well, you just don't want to. So if his intentions are to be casual, you end it there. If he says he would be interested in something more serious, you continue. Again, there's no rush into having the conversation, you will know when the time is right.

[Maddyb12]

There is a difference between, 'do you want to be my boyfriend?' and 'what are your dating goals', I think based on your writing youre in the middle of these two question, but you havent asked either one of them. "what are your dating goals should be asked early on so there's no confusion, you can know from day one if hes just looking for sex or is interested in long term or would prefer to get serious with someone closer. You don't truly know because you have yet to ask.

 

FWIW, I also think he sounds like a good guy, and I think things have a lot of potential, I also think, like I said before and probably from your past experiences, your anxiety and insecurities are running the show. I think the best way to calm them down is to discuss where you both would like things to go. The worst thing a person with anxiety can do is get into a nolabelship where nothing has been discussed, thats a breeding ground for anxiety to flourish, I know, I have anxiety, I'm not judging you.

 

If it makes you feel better for me to not say its your anxiety and insecurities but rather your concern about travel times because youre cool and calm fine, I still think you'll feel a lot better and be at ease if you discussed things.

 

Yes dating goals is what I should have brought up in the beginning and I didn’t. When I mentioned anxiety I meant I have anxiety regarding dating not in general. I’ve just been through a lot with dating and I am jaded and on edge and probably over thinking. I also just don’t want to waste my time, if he were closer it would be different but to be traveling a bit I would like to know it is on the track to being something

[figureitout23]

Yes dating goals is what I should have brought up in the beginning and I didn’t. When I mentioned anxiety I meant I have anxiety regarding dating not in general. I’ve just been through a lot with dating and I am jaded and on edge and probably over thinking. I also just don’t want to waste my time, if he were closer it would be different but to be traveling a bit I would like to know it is on the track to being something

 

Understood. If you main and only concern is wasting your time, the advise still remains the same, you guys probably need to have the 'what are your dating goals' conversation.

[Wiseman2]

Exactly. You don't want to invest time and energy when it's not in your best interests or what you want out of a situation.

I also just don’t want to waste my time, if he were closer it would be different but to be traveling a bit I would like to know it is on the track to being something

[figureitout23]

This could be the subject of a whole thread! If anyone is interested, we can start one.

It is ironic that straightforwardness is valued more but at the same time, we feel that if we ask for what we want, we will be considered needy and/or clingy. I think it's because we focus on what men want and follow their needs. We need to put our needs first and urge others to do that too until this changes. Men who consider women clingy just because they stated their needs, are just not a good match for us. A good match does not run away.

 

 

As for seeing sex as backwards, I think we have a generation gap here. Sex is considered to not be a big deal lately. Now if that's working towards peoples benefit or not, is a whole other subject too.

 

 

.

 

Yes, it deffinetely can be a whole other post, agree there.

 

I disagree wholeheartedly that younger women's attitudes have genuinely changed towards sex, you're just taught to fit this role of the down for whatever, #nofeelings, relationships are icky, a role that is not natural to many, many, women.

 

The fact of the matter is Im early 30's so I'm not that far removed from your generation, although it does feel like it when these posts pop up because I'm trying to give advice as an older woman who also went through the ' hey it's cool to act like sex isn't a big deal' so I have a little bit of knowledge of it but it seems many many many young girls who come on here stressed out, feeling vulnerable and hurt because they were ghosted after a one night stand or they can't have a basic conversation with a man they just allowed inside of them. (I'm sorry to be so graphic but I'm trying to paint a picture, it is incredibly backward. ) don't want to hear it when I or other posters say, ' you're not about that life'.

 

They think they only way to attract a man is to be 'that girl' and as someone who tried once to be that girl, I am so much freaking happier being myself. I stumble with dating, we all do. I'm still finding myself for sure, but basic boundaries and communication takes away soooo much unnessesary dating anxiety and the older I get the more I realize that.

 

But many young girl lead with sex and then get upset when it doesn't give them an instant connection and relationship.

 

That's simply not how it works.

[katrina1980]

>> also just don’t want to waste my time, if he were closer it would be different but to be traveling a bit I would like to know it is on the track to being something.

 

---

 

Maddy, you've only had four dates, slow down.

 

What do you want/expect him to say, after only four dates, he's gonna look at you like you have one eye!

 

NO ONE knows where anything is going or what anything will "be" after only four dates, and if you are concerned about the distance, such that it's preventing you from relaxing and enjoying spending time and getting to know him, then why did you begin dating him in the first place?

 

I would never ask a man that question after only four dates. I mean, do YOU know where you want it to go or what you want it to be after only four dates?

 

If so, where would that be? An exclusive RL? You say you are not ready for that, what makes you so sure that you will ever be ready? With him.

 

Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

How can you ask him where it's going when you don't even know where you want it to go?

 

I say, spend more time together and get to know each other! Gauge his ACTIONS!

 

As I said in earlier post, IF after spending time and getting to know him better, you determine you're ready for exclusive, to call him your boyfriend, talk to him then.

 

You may not! After spending more time and getting to know him better, you may decide you don't want to go anywhere with him, let alone an exclusive committed RL.

 

It takes time, certainly longer than four dates.

 

JMO, it makes no sense to bring up "the talk" now after only four dates, especially when you yourself don't even know where you want it to go.

[katrina1980]

And since your uncertainty and unease appears to be predicated on the fact he's 1.5 hours away, and you don't want to "waste your time," again wondering why you started dating him in the first place.

 

Stick with local if the distance is an issue for you; don't push it just cause he's 1.5 hours away, this should make NO difference.

 

You bring up "the talk" after you've spent a significant amount of time together (more than four dates) and you're more sure of where you want things to go.

 

Whether he's two hours away, or local, it should make no difference.

[Cope]

Yes, it deffinetely can be a whole other post, agree there.

 

I disagree wholeheartedly that younger women's attitudes have genuinely changed towards sex, you're just taught to fit this role of the down for whatever, #nofeelings, relationships are icky, a role that is not natural to many, many, women.

 

No it hasn't changed completely, but it's changing, hence the "bumps".

 

The fact of the matter is Im early 30's so I'm not that far removed from your generation, although it does feel like it when these posts pop up because I'm trying to give advice as an older woman who also went through the ' hey it's cool to act like sex isn't a big deal' so I have a little bit of knowledge of it but it seems many many many young girls who come on here stressed out, feeling vulnerable and hurt because they were ghosted after a one night stand or they can't have a basic conversation with a man they just allowed inside of them. (I'm sorry to be so graphic but I'm trying to paint a picture, it is incredibly backward. ) don't want to hear it when I or other posters say, ' you're not about that life'.

 

They think they only way to attract a man is to be 'that girl' and as someone who tried once to be that girl, I am so much freaking happier being myself. I stumble with dating, we all do. I'm still finding myself for sure, but basic boundaries and communication takes away soooo much unnessesary dating anxiety and the older I get the more I realize that.

 

But many young girl lead with sex and then get upset when it doesn't give them an instant connection and relationship.

 

That's simply not how it works.

 

Fun fact, I'm actually older than you. I get where you're coming from; some can't do casual, yet are "forced" to by society to act like they are cool with it or they just want to try it and fail or worse, just like you said they think that it's the way to attract a man. That's why I always advise women, when they want to have sex, to make sure they know the reasons they want to, either it's just a hookup or a serious/already established exclusive relationship or their first time. If it is just for the other person: they think it will bond them/they are pressured by him or peers/they believe that he truly loves them and the list can go on and on, they shouldn't. Have been following that rule since my first time, hasn't failed me yet. If they truly want to have sex, it should just be about the sex. I also agree with you, if you can't do casual, don't. There's nothing cool about it as there is nothing cool to just have sex in an exclusive relationship. It's a personal decision and it's awesome when someone knows what they want and acts on it.

 

The interesting point here is to why subjects like "when to have sex" is mostly around women. Men have it easy,since the day they are born, they are liberated sexually. Sex is sex, relationships are relationships. Sex is completely detached from any sort of obligation or guilt for them. Some will step in and say "it's woman's nature!!!111oneone", well it's not. We like sex too, but we have been suppressed about it, again, since the day we were born. Guilt, relationships, feelings and even the word virgin and every horrible thing that follows that term for a woman has been attached to sex. Yeah, it's been going on for so long it may seem like woman's nature. Just like it seems as if men are all about sex, when, clearly they aren't. That is the root of the problem.

 

Is sexual revolution and casual hookups the right road for humanity to take? Not my call. Yet history has shown that when women "hold out" for sex or for "The one" or just for serious relationships, they end up in a very very unhappy marriage with exceptions that proves the rule. In this day and age, this is still what confuses a lot of women, like the ones you are referring to, when they think they are ready to have casual sex, but in truth they are not. Getting rid of all the "burden" of sex for a woman takes time and will not be achieved if one doesn't know what they are actually fighting against.

 

My conclusion is that we give sex way too much credit. We link it to feelings, when it's mostly pure lust. I've had casual sex with no feelings attached and it was great, I've "made love" with people I also shared feelings with and it was great and of course I've been confused too in casual relationships, because the sex was great and I hadn't detached myself from all of the above completely. Sex is great, but it doesn't make a relationship, it's just one of the ingredients. I'm not going to go against science here, sex does create some sort of bonding, but we have great minds and can work through that, especially when every other aspect of the person we're having sex with shows that he's not a good guy to pursue further. Knowing that sex can confuse you is very important.

 

I'm going to repeat myself, but the key is, when a woman decides to have sex, it should be purely because she wants to, without expecting anything else of it.

[katrina1980]

 

I'm going to repeat myself, but the key is, when a woman decides to have sex, it should be purely because she wants to, without expecting anything else of it.

 

Bingo! Which is why I did not bring up the sexual aspect in my last two posts.

 

OP has stated that sex is not that big a deal, that she's happy with her sexuality, and with her decision to have sex on the 3rd or 4th date.

 

So judging by that, her uncertainty and "need to know" is NOT because she had sex with him and now feels insecure and needs reassurance about where things are going.

 

She specifically stated it's the distance and she doesn't want to "waste her time," traveling unless she knows it's going to "be" something.

 

Has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they've had sex.

 

Just going by what she herself posted!

[Cope]

Bingo! Which is why I did not bring up the sexual aspect in my last two posts.

 

OP has stated that sex is not that big a deal, that she's happy with her sexuality, and with her decision to have sex on the 3rd or 4th date.

 

So judging by that, her uncertainty and "need to know" is NOT because she had sex with him and now feels insecure and needs reassurance about where things are going.

 

She specifically stated it's the distance and she doesn't want to "waste her time," traveling unless she knows it's going to "be" something.

 

Has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they've had sex.

 

Just going by what she herself posted!

 

Yeah, I don't see a confused woman about sex in any of Maddy's posts. It has been the case in a lot of threads though, so I can see why figureitout went there.

[Batya33]

Bingo! Which is why I did not bring up the sexual aspect in my last two posts.

 

OP has stated that sex is not that big a deal, that she's happy with her sexuality, and with her decision to have sex on the 3rd or 4th date.

 

So judging by that, her uncertainty and "need to know" is NOT because she had sex with him and now feels insecure and needs reassurance about where things are going.

 

She specifically stated it's the distance and she doesn't want to "waste her time," traveling unless she knows it's going to "be" something.

 

Has absolutely nothing to do with the fact they've had sex.

 

Just going by what she herself posted!

 

So yes I focused on that, too and take it at face value. So, on the flip side I decided after a first meet and one date with a guy who seemed into me that I wasn't sure I was into him enough to see him again. But, had he lived closer I would have given it one or two more dates. But, since he had to travel to see me (there wasn't a practical way to meet in the middle) and it would take closer to 2 hours I told him that I didn't think we should see each other again and told him that partly it was because I wasn't sure and didn't want to have him go to the trouble of traveling to see me. So, with this guy, I would hope that if he's a stand up guy he's taking that into account too and wouldn't have you travel all that way if he didn't see potential. (And you said you don't think he's in it for sex and I take that at face value).

 

I don't buy that he is "inexperienced" with dating and therefore is not telling you his intentions. It's irrelevant -if he wanted to be with you and make sure you knew he didn't want you dating others he would find a way to express that -he knows he is sexually attracted to you and acted on that early on, he has been in touch regularly -nothing to do with inexperience "dating".

 

In your situation I would ask him in about a month or so what his intentions are towards you. And if he hasn't brought it up by then I'd say chances are good he is looking only for a casual arrangement with you.

[figureitout23]

Yeah, I don't see a confused woman about sex in any of Maddy's posts. It has been the case in a lot of threads though, so I can see why figureitout went there.

 

You don't have to talk about me in third person, Im commenting on the post, just ask. I have some things to do but as a quick response, I think sex is a factor, because I think it poured gasoline of a kindling flame of anxiety and now it's a nice little fire you can roast marshmallows on. A month ago before steady dating even happened, her anxiety was at a 10, I commented as much, said she needed to work on some things before diving into dating, was told I was way off, fine, whatever.

 

Now a month later the anxiety has only grown because you add in baggage, time, sex and a lack of basic communication. Ok, what advice can be given here?

 

The only issue is distance.

 

Ok... you knew about the distance when you met...

 

What is the issue? The OPer touched on it, quite a bit actually.

 

Ok I'll be back to expand in a bit. Hope this kinda clarifies things.

[katrina1980]

You don't have to talk about me in third person, Im commenting on the post, just ask. I have some things to do but as a quick response, I think sex is a factor, because I think it poured gasoline of a kindling flame of anxiety and now it's a nice little fire you can roast marshmallows on. A month ago before steady dating even happened, her anxiety was at a 10, I commented as much, said she needed to work on some things before diving into dating, was told I was way off, fine, whatever.

 

Now a month later the anxiety has only grown because you add in baggage, time, sex and a lack of basic communication. Ok, what advice can be given here?

 

The only issue is distance.

 

Ok... you knew about the distance when you met...

 

What is the issue? The OPer touched on it, quite a bit actually.

 

Ok I'll be back to expand in a bit. Hope this kinda clarifies things.

 

Well as in most things, I take things at face value.

 

Maddy stated that sex isn't a big deal; it's the distance that is at issue, she doesn't want to waste her time traveling without reassurance that it (whatever they have at this point in time) is on track to becoming something. That if he were local, it would be different (i.e. she wouldn't need such reassurance).

 

And I asked her, given the distance and her uncertainty, why did she start dating him in the first place?

 

So, where am I going with this?

 

You may be right!

 

And I for one am really looking forward to your next post expanding!

[Maddyb12]

>> also just don’t want to waste my time, if he were closer it would be different but to be traveling a bit I would like to know it is on the track to being something.

 

---

 

Maddy, you've only had four dates, slow down.

 

What do you want/expect him to say, after only four dates, he's gonna look at you like you have one eye!

 

NO ONE knows where anything is going or what anything will "be" after only four dates, and if you are concerned about the distance, such that it's preventing you from relaxing and enjoying spending time and getting to know him, then why did you begin dating him in the first place?

 

I would never ask a man that question after only four dates. I mean, do YOU know where you want it to go or what you want it to be after only four dates?

 

If so, where would that be? An exclusive RL? You say you are not ready for that, what makes you so sure that you will ever be ready? With him.

 

Do you see where I'm going with this?

 

How can you ask him where it's going when you don't even know where you want it to go?

 

I say, spend more time together and get to know each other! Gauge his ACTIONS!

 

As I said in earlier post, IF after spending time and getting to know him better, you determine you're ready for exclusive, to call him your boyfriend, talk to him then.

 

You may not! After spending more time and getting to know him better, you may decide you don't want to go anywhere with him, let alone an exclusive committed RL.

 

It takes time, certainly longer than four dates.

 

JMO, it makes no sense to bring up "the talk" now after only four dates, especially when you yourself don't even know where you want it to go.

 

I agree I think you are completely right. I haven’t brought anything up! I guess I was just trying to gauge when you would bring this up but I think that is something that I’ll be able to feel rather than know.

[Maddyb12]

Yes, it deffinetely can be a whole other post, agree there.

 

I disagree wholeheartedly that younger women's attitudes have genuinely changed towards sex, you're just taught to fit this role of the down for whatever, #nofeelings, relationships are icky, a role that is not natural to many, many, women.

 

The fact of the matter is Im early 30's so I'm not that far removed from your generation, although it does feel like it when these posts pop up because I'm trying to give advice as an older woman who also went through the ' hey it's cool to act like sex isn't a big deal' so I have a little bit of knowledge of it but it seems many many many young girls who come on here stressed out, feeling vulnerable and hurt because they were ghosted after a one night stand or they can't have a basic conversation with a man they just allowed inside of them. (I'm sorry to be so graphic but I'm trying to paint a picture, it is incredibly backward. ) don't want to hear it when I or other posters say, ' you're not about that life'.

 

They think they only way to attract a man is to be 'that girl' and as someone who tried once to be that girl, I am so much freaking happier being myself. I stumble with dating, we all do. I'm still finding myself for sure, but basic boundaries and communication takes away soooo much unnessesary dating anxiety and the older I get the more I realize that.

 

But many young girl lead with sex and then get upset when it doesn't give them an instant connection and relationship.

 

That's simply not how it works.

 

I don’t think I’ve been taught to fit that role, my parents saved themselves for marriage and have only been with one another. Me choosing to be open to sexual experiences isn’t because I think I need to be, I enjoy it and I’m comfortable with it so why not? I would be pretending to be something I’m not if I were to shun off the idea of sleeping with someone I’m attracted to just because that’s the more “respectable” thing to do. I like having sex, I like it even more when it’s with someone I’m attracted to and have chemistry with. I didn’t sleep with him the first time I met him, it felt right when we did and he didn’t pressure or push it and I practice safe sex. I don’t believe I led with sex, and I want to bring up again I’ve known this guy for almost two years. He isn’t a stranger I met and had a one night stand with.

[Maddyb12]

And since your uncertainty and unease appears to be predicated on the fact he's 1.5 hours away, and you don't want to "waste your time," again wondering why you started dating him in the first place.

 

Stick with local if the distance is an issue for you; don't push it just cause he's 1.5 hours away, this should make NO difference.

 

You bring up "the talk" after you've spent a significant amount of time together (more than four dates) and you're more sure of where you want things to go.

 

Whether he's two hours away, or local, it should make no difference.

 

He lives 45 mins away but Is away for work an hour and a half away until the end of the month. I’ve known him for years. He used to live closer so when he actually asked me out was when I had found out he had just bought a house in a city 45 mins away.

[figureitout23]

I don’t think I’ve been taught to fit that role, my parents saved themselves for marriage and have only been with one another. Me choosing to be open to sexual experiences isn’t because I think I need to be, I enjoy it and I’m comfortable with it so why not? I would be pretending to be something I’m not if I were to shun off the idea of sleeping with someone I’m attracted to just because that’s the more “respectable” thing to do. I like having sex, I like it even more when it’s with someone I’m attracted to and have chemistry with. I didn’t sleep with him the first time I met him, it felt right when we did and he didn’t pressure or push it and I practice safe sex. I don’t believe I led with sex, and I want to bring up again I’ve known this guy for almost two years. He isn’t a stranger I met and had a one night stand with.

 

And thats fine, like I said in my other post, I think its a cocktail of sex,baggage,time and dating anxiety. Something that can easily be solved by talking to him.

 

I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot, especially considering this isn't the issue.

 

The issue is distance, the solution is talk to him.

 

What are your thoughts on that?

[figureitout23]

He lives 45 mins away but Is away for work an hour and a half away until the end of the month. I’ve known him for years. He used to live closer so when he actually asked me out was when I had found out he had just bought a house in a city 45 mins away.

 

Thats still a distance to be driving without know where either of you stands. And according to you that's where the issue lies. So 1.5 hours 45 minutes, its a distance for casual, or is it? Im not really clear at this point... it kinda seems like youre saying he isnt that far, or are you? Please clarify, because if you are now saying its not that far then whats the issue?

[Maddyb12]

I’m saying that it’s far for a casual fling. But I posted a few weeks ago about the distance in general. It’s not a deal breaker for a relationship but for a casual fling I would say yes? Because I can find that near me.. if that makes sense. On one hand people are saying to talk to him now and on the other people are saying it’s way too soon to know. We don’t text often but he texted today telling me he had feelings for me and complimented me on something. I know that he had feelings for me but it’s just a matter of if he is looking for a commitment or just casual. I think I’m just going to hold off on bringing it up?

[katrina1980]

I’m saying that it’s far for a casual fling. But I posted a few weeks ago about the distance in general. It’s not a deal breaker for a relationship but for a casual fling I would say yes? Because I can find that near me.. if that makes sense. On one hand people are saying to talk to him now and on the other people are saying it’s way too soon to know. We don’t text often but he texted today telling me he had feelings for me and complimented me on something. I know that he had feelings for me but it’s just a matter of if he is looking for a commitment or just casual. I think I’m just going to hold off on bringing it up?

 

Maddy, honestly, there is no rule of when to talk to him.

 

Me? I wouldn't. Why? Because I am capable of enjoying the relationship, even having sex, at whatever point we're at without needing to know where we'll be tomorrow.

 

Whether he's local or three hours away, it makes no difference.

 

I've said this before many times but I have faith and trust in our "connection." To me that's the most important thing - not where we're going or if it will ever become "something."

 

We already have "something." A strong connection.

 

And as such, I (no "we") allow it to take us wherever it's meant to take us, gradually, naturally, organically.

 

But that's just me! What I am most comfortable with.

 

You do you! He has told you he has feelings for you, and if you want to ask him what that means and what his goals are with respect to you and your relationship, then "that" is precisely what you should do!

 

Again, no rules, it's whatever you (and your partner) are comfortable with.

[Maddyb12]

He called tonight and we talked for 30 mins, not about any of this just talking. He mentioned concerts he wanted us to go to and mentioned that he’s pretty bad with the text but im priority to talk to right now and expressed feelings again. He said he wanted to offer to come my way this weekend but is stuck working Saturday but offered up the next. I feel things are headed in a good direction i don’t wanna rush it by getting ahead of myself. So I think I need to just relax and let whatever happen happen

[figureitout23]

I’m saying that it’s far for a casual fling. But I posted a few weeks ago about the distance in general. It’s not a deal breaker for a relationship but for a casual fling I would say yes? Because I can find that near me.. if that makes sense. On one hand people are saying to talk to him now and on the other people are saying it’s way too soon to know. We don’t text often but he texted today telling me he had feelings for me and complimented me on something. I know that he had feelings for me but it’s just a matter of if he is looking for a commitment or just casual. I think I’m just going to hold off on bringing it up?

 

Understood.

 

I personally think there's maybe some confusion with what it is you feel the need to talk about. Like Katrina just said, if you want to discuss what he's telling you, by all means. I don't see anything wrong with basic communication, I don't think it's all that big of a deal, what's the worst he can do? Tell you where his head is at?

 

With that being said, I'm also with Katrina about trusting what you have. I dated a guy last summer for 5 ish? months, never had a single label, his friends called me his old lady, that was about it. People on here, genuinely didn't understand it and questioned it which makes total sense, I couldn't really explain it myself, I just literally felt no need to name what we were.

 

We had a convo first date, this is what I'm looking for, I don't date multiple people at a time, I don't sleep with multiple people at a time, I want to connect and enjoy my time with someone, his response 'same here', he told me his desires and that was that. Very easy simple conversation and it was never brought up again, it didn't need to be.

 

He had jealousy issues with led to me ending things, which may contradict what I just said, but I don't know. It worked for me, haha.

[Batya33]

I think there's a huge difference between a label and the meaning and substance of what the label means. I think people who blame "the label" on an unwillingness to be committed to the person are using an excuse (nothing to do with what figureitout wrote -apparently she felt comfortable without discussing their understanding/intentions/level of commitment- her individual choice). Marriage and exclusivity (and high school and college degrees and grad degrees for example) are not just labels or "pieces of paper" IMO. So if she talks to him it has to be focused on the substance not the label without defensiveness "I know it's just a label". It's not. IMHO.