When to define relationship

[Maddyb12]

Hey Maddy!

 

Do what feels right for you!

 

My bf and I established exclusivity on our 3rd date (2 weeks in) and it worked for us

 

I don't think there is an arbitrary timeline for those kind of talks

 

If you feel the need to ask him (which may be why you're posting here) then ask him. Have a discussion about it.

 

Like another poster mentioned, if you feel comfortable enough to have sex with him, there should be no reason why you can't ask him about this type of thing

 

I have read a lot of stories on dating forums where the woman has sex with a guy without knowing where she stands and ends up getting the cold shoulder once she brings exclusivity up but I still think it's wiser to speak your mind and find out the truth sooner than later. You're happy with the choices you have made and that's all that matters.

 

If he wants what you want and feels the same way you do, he'll be on the same page with you. If not, then you can move on to find someone who is

 

Best of luck! :) Keep us posted!

 

Hello! Welcome to my post :) LOL. I know there’s a lot of pages to follow, but I decided on holding off to bring it up. The last few days he’s made me feel very comfortable about where we are at. Seems like it’s headed in a good direction and he’s expressed his feelings for me!

[thornz]

I think if you’re having sex and want it to be exclusive then you should make that clear, the length of time or number of dates is irrelevant. The sooner you express this the better. After all it is your health and finances on the line if you catch something or have an unwanted pregnancy. (There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer sex).

 

You can only have yourself to blame if you find out down the line he wanted something more casual and you get hurt or feel resentful for wasted time, fuel money etc.

 

If he gets scared off by being asked whether he is open to something long term then he is either not that into you, not in a good place for a relationship or he is immature. If you are afraid to ask the question for fear of scaring him off then I have to question your maturity also. It’s just an adult conversation to establish you are on the same wavelength, nothing scary or clingy. It’s not like you’re dragging him into wedding dress shops!

 

You don’t have to define what the relationship is, like you quite rightly say it’s too early for that, you’re not ready, you can just make sure you have similar dating intentions so you can relax and enjoy dating until you know each other well enough to decide to commit or end things.

 

I also agree with others that he should be coming to you and matching your effort level.

 

From your recent posts it sounds like he might like things to progress and perhaps also would like some reassurance from you as to your intentions. When he mentions his feelings that would be the perfect time to state your intentions. Good luck 😉

[DissyLu]

Hello! Welcome to my post :) LOL. I know there’s a lot of pages to follow, but I decided on holding off to bring it up. The last few days he’s made me feel very comfortable about where we are at. Seems like it’s headed in a good direction and he’s expressed his feelings for me!

 

Ooo sorry I missed that!

 

Thats great! Good news :)

 

I'm glad you're enjoying things with him and allowing things to unfold

 

Remember no matter what happens with him, this is all part of your journey. If he ends up not being the right one, you'll find the right one in time. Hopefully that will help you keep things in perspective.

 

Best of luck and enjoy your time with him! :)

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Now let him get more skin in the game by coming to you more often and participating in actions more. Words are nice but car mileage is a b&w fact.

I decided on holding off to bring it up. The last few days he’s made me feel very comfortable about where we are at. Seems like it’s headed in a good direction and he’s expressed his feelings for me!

[Maddyb12]

Excellent. Now let him get more skin in the game by coming to you more often and participating in actions more. Words are nice but car mileage is a b&w fact.

 

Yes! He came out to me last night :)

[Batya33]

Yes! He came out to me last night :)

 

Great and great choice on his part.

[Maddyb12]

Hello all! Re opening this because I am still looking for some advice with this guy. We’ve been seeing one another about every weekend, he invited me out to the river last weekend with his friends/family but I had other plans and declined so I saw him this past weekend. We ended up spending time with his parents. We still haven’t discussed if we are exclusive etc. I don’t believe there to be anyone else, he’s introduced me to his parents when we are together everything indicates that things are in a great place and headed in a good direction. But I’m wondering if now I should bring up discussing exclusivity? After seeking advice on her and in person I came to the conclusion that nothing would change if he said those words or asked me to be his girlfriend, his actions are louder than that etc. I personally haven’t told my parents about him as I have been waiting to see if it becomes something more serious so him introducing me to his parents has kind of thrown me for one.

[Batya33]

What would change is you would know that he doesn't intend to pursue other women, he is not seeing other women, if he meets a woman tomorrow who is cute, he's not going to take her on a date before either deciding he'd rather be with you or telling you he'd rather be with her so at least you would know. And of course you have a greater risk of STDs without the talk. I was introduced to parents, friends, and future talk with a number of men who liked playing at being a couple but didn't want to be one when it came down to being exclusive. It's not just a label. If he is acting in this way then ask him what his intentions are and explain that you'd prefer not to get more attached to him/involved in his life without talking about intentions. If he thinks you should have assumed it, no biggie.

[DissyLu]

Hello all! Re opening this because I am still looking for some advice with this guy. We’ve been seeing one another about every weekend, he invited me out to the river last weekend with his friends/family but I had other plans and declined so I saw him this past weekend. We ended up spending time with his parents. We still haven’t discussed if we are exclusive etc. I don’t believe there to be anyone else, he’s introduced me to his parents when we are together everything indicates that things are in a great place and headed in a good direction. But I’m wondering if now I should bring up discussing exclusivity? After seeking advice on her and in person I came to the conclusion that nothing would change if he said those words or asked me to be his girlfriend, his actions are louder than that etc. I personally haven’t told my parents about him as I have been waiting to see if it becomes something more serious so him introducing me to his parents has kind of thrown me for one.

 

I think you know now, that this isn't about being happy with your choices or trusting him or having fun going with the flow. Some women can have sex without knowing where they stand, some can hang out without slapping a label on things, and some can't.

 

There's nothing wrong with wanting to know how he feels and wanting what you want (bf and gf) but there is something wrong with pretending to be ok with the status quo when you're really not

 

Be true to yourself and stop trying to be the 'cool girl'

 

If you need a label or at least some type of commitment from him, get it or bow out if that's not what he wants

 

I personally would never be ok sleeping with a guy without exclusivity and just spending time together for however long without some progression. Or if I was feeling worried about the status of things I wouldn't be ok not saying anything. Dating being the way it is, I wouldn't risk getting hurt like that. Its a messy world out there dating wise.

 

It's time to talk to him, if he really likes you, he'll want what you want. If not, you'll have lost nothing but a ton of anxiety.

 

Btw, just because he introduced you to his family doesn't mean he wants a future with you or a relationship. Some men bring girls around and their families get the jist

 

Set up a date with him, maybe cook him dinner and talk to him. I wish you the very best, as always

[reinventmyself]

I used to be afraid to have 'the talk' But after a few fails and bumbles, I just started putting my values first and being upfront about it.

 

The first time was scary. . all those faulty beliefs that it would scare someone off. Well, there is some truth to that. But if it scared someone off, I figured they weren't right for me to begin with.

 

I made my own self care a priority, because no one else was.

 

My attitude shifted. I now will state my values from a place of confidence and I don't know why, but initially I was surprised at the responses. I found that men respected me for having said it. They stepped up respectfully and wanted the same in return.

 

I am careful to say it in such a way that I am not asking them for anything. I am just letting them know how I operate. They get to decide if they want to move forward on their own without any coaching from me.

 

There has only been one time a man and I were not on the same page. All in all it was a positive experience as well. He was a great guy and his life was a little messy and genuinely not relationship ready. I didn't take it personally and we hung out as friends a few times after. He remained single for quite some time and at some point, we just lost touch.

[Honeycomb8]

All the guys I've dated have been very upfront when it came to this sort of thing, so I never had to bring it up simply bc they always did. I also have this thing where I don't sleep with people unless I am official with them, which actually reduces any potential confusion. But seeing that you slept with him straight away, and are wanting clarification as to what the current situation is...You should just say something. You should have a clear idea of what you want from this and shouldn't shy away from things.

 

My current bf wanted us to be exclusive in around 6 dates, which was around the 2 and half week mark. We spent a lot of time together and then he called me his gf in 3 weeks. This is apparently out of character for him because normally it would take him 2 months to want to be exclusive with anyone. He said he took a different approach with me because he wanted to 'lock me down' ahaha. I am of the mind that guys are clear and straight forward when they want to be and know what they want. They're only wishy washy when they're unsure about you and don't want anything from it.

[katrina1980]

 

My current bf wanted us to be exclusive in around 6 dates, which was around the 2 and half week mark. We spent a lot of time together and then he called me his gf in 3 weeks. This is apparently out of character for him because normally it would take him 2 months to want to be exclusive with anyone. He said he took a different approach with me because he wanted to 'lock me down' ahaha. I am of the mind that guys are clear and straight forward when they want to be and know what they want. They're only wishy washy when they're unsure about you and don't want anything from it.

 

Bolded, that's interesting and would like to comment on it as I've heard this said before on this (and other) forums.

 

My ex (long term RL ex) also wanted to become exclusive with me very quickly, in an attempt to "lock me down." He admitted later it was his own insecurity that caused him to feel this way and if he had been more secure within himself, his attitude would have been "well if another guy could snatch her up so easily, then her attraction to me could not have been as strong as I thought it was."

 

My current bf and I didn't agree on exclusivity until 2.5 months. Just recently I brought up this "locking me down" thing because I hear it said so often.

 

He wasn't dating or pursuing anyone else, but said he felt he needed to spend more time with me because he takes exclusivity (and commitment) very seriously and that I should be doing the same, which I was.

 

And similar to what my ex said, told me that, in the meantime, if I found another man I preferred dating more than him, then I was free to go. And that he would have no regrets about not "locking me down" as our connection could not have possibly been as strong as what he thought it was.

 

I gotta admit this made a lot of sense to me! And he was right too, because had I chose to start dating another man, then my connection to him (my boyfriend) could not have been that strong!

 

But it was, so while a couple of men did ask me out, I declined because, although my bf and I were not exclusive at that time, our connection was so strong, I had no desire to be "snatched up" by another guy.

 

No right or wrong, just another perspective on a very interesting and controversial topic.

[Batya33]

All the guys I've dated have been very upfront when it came to this sort of thing, so I never had to bring it up simply bc they always did. I also have this thing where I don't sleep with people unless I am official with them, which actually reduces any potential confusion. But seeing that you slept with him straight away, and are wanting clarification as to what the current situation is...You should just say something. You should have a clear idea of what you want from this and shouldn't shy away from things.

 

My current bf wanted us to be exclusive in around 6 dates, which was around the 2 and half week mark. We spent a lot of time together and then he called me his gf in 3 weeks. This is apparently out of character for him because normally it would take him 2 months to want to be exclusive with anyone. He said he took a different approach with me because he wanted to 'lock me down' ahaha. I am of the mind that guys are clear and straight forward when they want to be and know what they want. They're only wishy washy when they're unsure about you and don't want anything from it.

 

I too liked the positive side and "spin" on "locking me down" - I like that we both want to be with each other, only with each other, and want to close off options of dating others. Obviously life has no guarantees so when the commitment is made, mutually, it's an expression of what's in your heart and your values if it's for the right reasons. And it means that breaking that commitment, that promise, has consequences - you are then cheating, you are then risking losing your relationship -so if there is temptation, the person stops and thinks about consequences before acting. Without that understanding, you both know the other could meet someone tomorrow, and not have to stop and think as far as a commitment - perhaps that person might wonder if pursuing the temptation might annoy/hurt the other person but of course since there's no commitment it need not even be mentioned.

 

I love the advice about not playing the cool girl. I can relate to those feelings!

[Honeycomb8]

Bolded, that's interesting and would like to comment on it as I've heard this said before on this (and other) forums.

 

My ex (long term RL ex) also wanted to become exclusive with me very quickly, in an attempt to "lock me down." He admitted later it was his own insecurity that caused him to feel this way and if he had been more secure within himself, his attitude would have been "well if another guy could snatch her up so easily, then her attraction to me could not have been as strong as I thought it was."

 

My current bf and I didn't agree on exclusivity until 2.5 months. Just recently I brought up this "locking me down" thing because I hear it said so often.

 

He wasn't dating or pursuing anyone else, but said he felt he needed to spend more time with me because he takes exclusivity (and commitment) very seriously and that I should be doing the same, which I was.

 

And similar to what my ex said, told me that, in the meantime, if I found another man I preferred dating more than him, then I was free to go. And that he would have no regrets about not "locking me down" as our connection could not have possibly been as strong as what he thought it was.

 

I gotta admit this made a lot of sense to me! And he was right too, because had I chose to start dating another man, then my connection to him (my boyfriend) could not have been that strong!

 

But it was, so while a couple of men did ask me out, I declined because, although my bf and I were not exclusive at that time, our connection was so strong, I had no desire to be "snatched up" by another guy.

 

No right or wrong, just another perspective on a very interesting and controversial topic.

 

Haha my bf is a very confident well rounded guy. I don't think he came from a place of desperation or insecurity or control. He told me he just felt I was a great catch and because we got along so well, he wanted to get me.

 

So far he's been thoughtful and chill towards me. I had a controlling ex, and that guy wanted to be exclusive on the second date-now THAT was excessive.

[katrina1980]

 

I had a controlling ex, and that guy wanted to be exclusive on the second date-now THAT was excessive.

 

 

Yeah I can relate! My ex (again the long term RL ex) brought up exclusivity on the second date too! And in retrospect he was pretty controlling, although I didn't recognize quite how controlling, it seemed normal to me at that time. I still "held my own" pretty well though under the circumstances.

 

With my current bf, I had just come out of a short term RL when we met so wanted to take my time. I was in no rush to become exclusive, so didn't bring it up (neither did he).

 

I dunno, like I said, our connection was very strong from the get go, so wasn't really all that concerned he would meet another woman, nor was he concerned I would meet another man.

 

But I admit, once we did have that "talk" (which I initiated), and we agreed on it, it did make me feel better, more secure, and increased the intimacy between us.

 

It's all good!

[Batya33]

I think part is connection and part is values - so a connection might be really strong but if you don’t value commitment and loyalty as goals in a relationship chances are that you’ll give in to temptation. Even on this forum there are so many threads about how in love the person is and how awesome the relationship is and he or she just cannot believe that I’m a moment of weakness she kissed another man and now what should she do? I don’t mean to be cynical and I do believe people can feel very strongly about each other and simply not want to close off options to date others. Or there is a strong connection but past history has triggered a fear of commitment that is even stronger than the connection.

And of course there are people in open or polyamorous relationships who say they feel very strongly about their partners.

[katrina1980]

I think part is connection and part is values - so a connection might be really strong but if you don’t value commitment and loyalty as goals in a relationship chances are that you’ll give in to temptation.

 

Hi Batya, I know you weren't addressing my relationship specifically, but wanted to chime in.

 

Not sure I agree with the bolded; my bf and I do value exclusivity, commitment and loyalty and take it very seriously (as I stated in previous post).

 

Which is why we both wanted to take our time this time. We both have histories of jumping into RLs too fast (which I personally have been criticized for on this forum) so wanted to take things a bit slower this time.

 

Personally speaking, I never felt "tempted" and if I had, frankly I would have questioned how strong our connection truly was. Which was also his point; if I had felt tempted and given in to that temptation, then he also would have questioned how strong our connection truly was. And vice versa.

 

I've said this many times, but for me (and fortunately my bf feels the same way) exclusivity and commitment come from within ones heart, not a conversation (or legal contract) confirming such.

 

Although as I said, after we discussed it, we have grown closer, but it had to be the right time, and at 2.5 months in, we both felt it was the right time to kick it up a level.

 

I know many others disagree and perhaps think 2.5 months was too long to wait, but that's OKAY. It was the right time for us.

[IAmFCA]

I am not a fan of the DTR convo. I do what I want and hope I am investing wisely. I can't recommend this approach as a way to advance a relationship. Only that it made me happy. I also say what I am thinking, if I feel welcome. So, if he likes me, he will know I like him too.

 

I am now dating someone I've known for over a decade. When we connected he asked me on a date, that was an easy yes without wondering where it would go. This is how important trust is, to me. I felt accepted and appreciated and loved, whether anything developed was secondary.

 

We tested a few things in the course of conversation. Our goals matched. Our Faith's matched. Our physicality matched. We agreed pretty quickly to clear the decks and be with each other only. Maybe on our first proper date. I can't recommend that either.

 

I CAN say that if I don't follow my own pace, it's useless. I know what I want, some of which includes feeling wanted and cherished by him. Consequently I know my answer before I ask, and don't bother. If I don't feel it from him, i choose a comfortable distance and hover in it - however close or far that may be.

[katrina1980]

I am not a fan of the DTR convo. I do what I want and hope I am investing wisely. I can't recommend this approach as a way to advance a relationship. Only that it made me happy. I also say what I am thinking, if I feel welcome. So, if he likes me, he will know I like him too.

I am now dating someone I've known for over a decade. When we connected he asked me on a date, that was an easy yes without wondering where it would go. This is how important trust is, to me. I felt accepted and appreciated and loved, whether anything developed was secondary.

We tested a few things in the course of conversation. Our goals matched. Our Faith's matched. Our physicality matched. We agreed pretty quickly to clear the decks and be with each other only. Maybe on our first proper date. I can't recommend that either.

 

I CAN say that if I don't follow my own pace, it's useless. I know what I want, some of which includes feeling wanted and cherished by him. Consequently I know my answer before I ask, and don't bother. If I don't feel it from him, i choose a comfortable distance and hover in it - however close or far that may be.

 

I like the way you worded this^, and gotta say I'm pretty much, if not all the way, in agreement with you, especially the bolded!

[IAmFCA]

Hi Batya, I know you weren't addressing my relationship specifically, but wanted to chime in.

 

Not sure I agree with the bolded; my bf and I do value exclusivity, commitment and loyalty and take it very seriously (as I stated in previous post).

 

Which is why we both wanted to take our time this time. We both have histories of jumping into RLs too fast (which I personally have been criticized for on this forum) so wanted to take things a bit slower this time.

 

Personally speaking, I never felt "tempted" and if I had, frankly I would have questioned how strong our connection truly was. Which was also his point; if I had felt tempted and given in to that temptation, then he also would have questioned how strong our connection truly was. And vice versa.

 

I've said this many times, but for me (and fortunately my bf feels the same way) exclusivity and commitment come from within ones heart, not a conversation (or legal contract) confirming such.

 

Although as I said, after we discussed it, we have grown closer, but it had to be the right time, and at 2.5 months in, we both felt it was the right time to kick it up a level.

 

I know many others disagree and perhaps think 2.5 months was too long to wait, but that's OKAY. It was the right time for us.

This is me too. If it is an authentic interest in him only, then it is. If I simply speak it, I will break it, eventually, because deep down I am still shopping.

[Batya33]

Hi Batya, I know you weren't addressing my relationship specifically, but wanted to chime in.

 

Not sure I agree with the bolded; my bf and I do value exclusivity, commitment and loyalty and take it very seriously (as I stated in previous post).

 

Which is why we both wanted to take our time this time. We both have histories of jumping into RLs too fast (which I personally have been criticized for on this forum) so wanted to take things a bit slower this time.

 

Personally speaking, I never felt "tempted" and if I had, frankly I would have questioned how strong our connection truly was. Which was also his point; if I had felt tempted and given in to that temptation, then he also would have questioned how strong our connection truly was. And vice versa.

 

I've said this many times, but for me (and fortunately my bf feels the same way) exclusivity and commitment come from within ones heart, not a conversation (or legal contract) confirming such.

 

Although as I said, after we discussed it, we have grown closer, but it had to be the right time, and at 2.5 months in, we both felt it was the right time to kick it up a level.

 

I know many others disagree and perhaps think 2.5 months was too long to wait, but that's OKAY. It was the right time for us.

 

No, I wasn't referring to you and if it works for you, great. And none of the comments I am going to make refer to you personally and some might respond to what you've written and those are two different things. As you wrote you weren't ready to commit to him and he wasn't ready either and both of you believe that to commit any earlier than you did would be rushing things -you two are of course entitled to do what works for you and to define the timing and what it means to rush in the way that makes you two comfortable.

 

For me, personally, I think it's crucial to define your intentions even if it is in one sentence and also for the practical reasons of potential STDs and pregnancy (although I never had sex before having a talk and typically waited months after the talk anyway). I don't agree that anyone should question his/her commitment just because they find themselves attracted to someone else or even tempted - for example, the marriage vows say nothing about "thoughts" - just actions - you don't promise never to be tempted, you promise never to act on it.

 

I think it's great to know what one's connection is, to be secure in that, to feel it, and essential to make sure you're on the same page if the couple is at all interested in a potentially long term relationship and is having sex (and the woman has not gone through menopause- especially then). If the couple is not looking for something long term I think it's far less important to have the conversation. I realize in certain cultures a couple is exclusive from the first date, etc -I'm referring to more what I know about the culture in the states. To me it's far from a label, just like marriage - the later on commitment - is far from a "piece of paper". In our case since we'd dated before we talked about it before getting back together -both being exclusive plus our goal that this time we'd get married hopefully (also because we were long distance -we needed to confirm that if we were going to go to all that effort that we were on the same page). When we first dated many years ago we talked about it within about 6 weeks.

 

I've only brought it up first twice. The first time was after dating 6 weeks and he wanted to have sex. So we discussed monogamy (which he would have been content with) and commitment (which was what I needed in order to have sex with him). He was never truly in love with me although acted very committed and like a couple -introduced me to his entire family, talked about marriage and kids, etc. He broke it off after 5 months. I wasn't surprised. Second time we'd been dating 3 months, weren't having sex but were having sleepovers. I saw he logged on to the dating site shortly after leaving my house so I winked at him online and when he called me I told him how I felt and he said he wasn't quite ready. So I gave it one more month, discovered a mental disorder he had and that was the main reason I ended things. But he still had not asked for exclusivity. I had no issue bringing it up and in my life if I had to bring it up it was because he wasn't that into me or not that into commitment or some combo of the two (usually the former).

 

Every man I've been with who was serious about me asked for exclusivity within the first 6 weeks and I wasn't always ready. It was never tied to when we would have sex in the future. It was never out of insecurity. These were men who were looking for marriage and family down the road -or maybe not too far into the future, depending- and didn't want to waste time with someone who wasn't ready to be potentially serious and they weren't going to risk going on feeling a strong connection. Just like people who marry verbally say vows -they are not insecure IMO - there's deep value and connection in communicating your feelings -and how those feelings translate to concrete commitment - to me that is an awesome way to show love and connection whether you're marrying or deciding to date exclusively or whatever. JMHO (in case you take this to mean I am saying I am right). And I don't think it's a controversial topic in the least - I think it gets controversial when discussing one-sided relationships or the fear that a relationship is one-sided as far as commitment.

[Batya33]

I'll add that from my personal perspective, having sex early on is rushing things in several ways. It all depends on how you define it. The OP is asking for input from the perspective, as I understand it, of wanting a commitment from this person (so she is not afraid in her situation that she would be "rushing" it but is afraid that he would see it that way - so that he is ready to have sex with her but not ready to be exclusive).

 

I reread her initial post. I think there is a lot to say for being "cool and casual" when you are first getting to know someone -by this I mean, giving the other person space to get to know you, to unpeel the layers, not to rush into constant contact, constant texting, constant sharing of personal and intimate details -it's not the worst thing to be selfless and tell yourself "even though I want to bare my soul to him, to be vulnerable, to bond ASAP I know that over the long term it's better to do that over time, to give him the space to get to know me and to add to the excitement of peeling back the layers" - I really actually liked the part of the book "The Rules" from way back when on this point -I had been doing that already - but I liked how it was put as a "selfless" act. I agreed. Maybe others will as well.

 

But after you've had sex, and made yourself available in that way, being "cool and casual" about commitment only works IMO if you feel that way in your heart- if you're able to compartmentalize physical intimacy and emotional. Some people are. I knew I'd never be able to and when venturing in that direction at times I confirmed it several times over. Others can. The OP wrote that sex had nothing to do with it and I believe her. She can compartmentalize and yet she felt that asking for a commitment would not be "cool and casual". My guess is that sooner or later, especially if she's having sex, he's going to know on some level that she is not feeling cool and casual.

 

Good luck OP!

[katrina1980]

 

I don't agree that anyone should question his/her commitment just because they find themselves attracted to someone else or even tempted - for example, the marriage vows say nothing about "thoughts" - just actions - you don't promise never to be tempted, you promise never to act on it.

 

 

Bolded, again not sure if this was in response to what I wrote, may not have been, but to clarify I never said they should (question their commitment); I said that at this early stage, if I found myself feeling tempted to date another man, I would question how strong our connection was, that's all. Just wanted to clarify because I think there's a distinction in what you said above, and what I said, or meant.

 

But generally speaking, I get exactly what you’re saying, and agree!

 

But honestly, for me personally? In the entire six years I was with my ex, dating, living together, through the engagement, I never once became “attracted to” another man or felt any sort of temptation whatsoever. That is the 100% truth.

 

That’s not to say I didn’t find other men attractive, of course I did, but that’s different from being "attracted to" them and feeling tempted to step out on my boyfriend.

 

Again I understand what you’re saying and agree that, when in a long term committed RL, it’s okay and quite normal to have those feelings as long as you don’t act on them.

 

I don’t think I love like most people though. I won't go into why I feel that way, just that I don't think I do. My commitment, loyalty and devotion is unwavering.

 

I don’t fall in love easily, in fact it’s very rare but when I do, I would literally give up my LIFE for him if it came to that, that’s how I felt about my ex, rightly or wrongly.

 

That’s why love scares me so much, and why after my ex and I split, I pushed many men away. With the exception of a few men, I became almost numb.

 

I’m changing though, and much more open. It’s still early stages, but I’m so ready for it (so is he!), it’s been said that even when the feelings are there, the timing has to be right too, and I think that’s very true!

 

Thank you for your good wishes!

[Batya33]

Good luck to you as well (I wished good luck to the OP since I also wanted to make sure she understood I was responding to her specific situation).

 

I don't think feeling tempted, attracted, or finding another person attractive, means anything at all about the connection or the level of commitment - doesn't mean the person feels more strongly about her partner -it might and it doesn't need to. What the person does in response, can mean a lot about the connection/commitment. I also think that if being tempted or finding another person attractive makes the person question his connection to any significant extent then there is more going on than the feeling of being tempted. Certainly if the person is constantly battling strong temptations to be with specific other people that might have to do with the connection to their partner or it might have to do with a fear of commitment, or some combo of the two. But in the context of this thread and the OP's concerns, I think without the discussion, without knowing that she and her new partner are on the same page, she also won't know his intentions as to how he would react to finding someone else attractive, and she won't know if he is constantly wondering if there is someone else who might be a better match and being tempted to act on the dream of someone else. Without discussing exclusivity, she's going on abstract and changeable feelings, on guessing that they have the same understanding of exclusivity, etc.

 

Certainly she can take it on an individual basis but I think that gets exhausting. So if he says he's going out with the guys, and they've already discussed being exclusive, she'll have a much clearer sense of his boundaries -some of which are plain old common sense. If someone he dated a few times is in town and wants to grab a drink when she is not available, she may feel more comfortable knowing what they discussed and their mutual intentions than otherwise. She won't have to wonder as much if it's understood that on typical date nights- usually weekends- they will be together. Sure there are people who have no traditional understanding of boyfriend/girlfriend or exclusivity but I think that's fairly unusual.

[Maddyb12]

Haven’t been able to read the recent replies yet. He brought it up over the weekend, we are exclusively together :)