Struggling to make a big decision

[Shorthaired]

To sum it up, I am a single woman in late 30s who hasn't had anything approaching a viable relationship for the last 5 or so years. I made 2 attempts of dating people for over 6 months but in both cases they revealed some big deal breakers and I had to end it. Truth to be told, I wasn't that into either of them but tried to give it time. I have been on many, many dates and had short term flings but I struggle to meet someone I truly connect with. I am an introvert who hates small talk and finds most people annoying. I still long for something substantial, some kind of deeper connection with someone that I fail to find in all my efforts. I am lonely as all my friends are married with kids so there are not many people to spend time with.

 

I have thought long and hard about having children and came to the conclusion that I am totally fine with not having them. It would be cool if it had happened naturally but I am not going to miss it much. So from that standpoint, there is no time pressure.

 

Now to my dilemma. I have moved to another state from my home town few years ago for a job. My job is going great. I am well liked and respected by people. I am probably treated better than I have ever been treated in my entire life at a work place by my bosses with lot of various perks. I share an office with about 5 people that I really click with and it's just easy and fun. They are always interesting to talk to but at the end of the day, they all go home to their families and I am left alone. At my work, there are 80% women and all men are married. There is a handful that I would happily date if they were single but I keep the proper boundaries as I have no interest in taken men. I am just saying that they are my kind of people. However outside of work, it's another story. This town attracts musicians and artists that are not my scene. Most seem to have substance abuse problems, are mentally ill or just have messed up lives with more than one failed marriage and no jobs. This is not just my perception, this town is well known for it. I feel like I have already dated most of this town (seriously) and these people are just not my thing. The disconnect is obvious and it feels like trying to force square peg into a round hole.

 

Truth to be told, apart from no partner potential, I love this town. The weather is always sunny, nature is gorgeous. If I moved here with a partner, given my introverted nature I would happily live with just social interaction at work and stay here forever. But that's not the case.

 

Now to my dilemma. A position has just opened up in my hometown at my old work place. Moving back would logically and financially make sense. I have many extended family members that I get along with and some old friends (though all married). The position is on about the same level that I have now. The pay is maybe about 10K higher but no major difference. Working there was fine but not as amazing as at my current work place. People were polite but cool and stand-offish. It was not unusual for the whole day to go by with barely speaking to anyone. However, as for finding a partner it has much more potential. It's a larger town with more to do and techy crowd that I generally click with better. Obviously, there are no gurantees. I was just invited for an interview and I think there is a good chance I will be offered the job. Weather is much worse and it tends to rain a lot though.

 

There is a sense of depression when I think about moving back. There is a sense of depression when I think of staying here with no dating potential. Part of me thinks that I only need 1 person so maybe one of my co-workers gets divorced one day? (lol) But yeah, the odds are not in my favor.

 

Based on what I have written what would you do? Of course there is the option to move to a brand new town but I am all out of starting-all-over-again-in-a-new-town energy. My hometown at least has a lot of people I know to fall back on.

[smackie9]

So what is keeping you here? The people right? You didn't have success dating where you were at before so what makes you think your chances are better going back? If it were me, I would give this new place a chance. You haven't been there long enough to establish anything. You have an office of very nice people...nice people, tho married, know other nice people. There is your opportunity to meet someone right for you...through them. Eventually you will be invited to parties, bbqs and dinners...that is where it starts. You are not the only well balanced single person looking for a mate in that town. Remember it only takes one to have a match. These things do take effort and time..and a little patience.

[abitbroken]

You say the city "only attracts musicians" ..well, you don't work with musicians do you? Why not give it a chance -- find out what volunteer opportunities there are, join a meetup - i am sure you will find lots of people who are not drug users or heavy drinkers. There are other people just as nice as your coworkers out there. If you hate small talk - a volunteer opportunity or a meetup group based on your interests will give you something to talk about.

[tattoobunnie]

I wouldn't move. You are happy where you are, but not meeting the right guys. Where are you meeting men? Online? Are you in any meetup groups, to meet others (friends) who also know people, and have shared interests? Are you okay with coworkers setting you up? Do you volunteer anywhere?

 

You may be an introvert, but you need to open up your social network. Do you belong to a gym, or taking classes?

[SweetGirl28]

I would stay where you are. No matter where you go, you take yourself with you.

You move, you don't connect, you will have regrets of leaving a job you love and better weather, which, let's face it, makes us all feel better.

 

Date out of town. How far are you willing to look? I know in my immediate radius I have undesirables, but when expanding my search to an hour away, ooh la la! Lol

[Wiseman2]

This is great advice. Additionally get on some paid dating apps to round out your dating portfolio. Most "musicians and artists that are not my scene, seem to have substance abuse problems, are mentally ill or just have messed up lives with more than one failed marriage and no jobs" are not at the places tattoobunnie suggested or on paid dating apps..

I wouldn't move. You are happy where you are, but not meeting the right guys. Where are you meeting men? Online? Are you in any meetup groups, to meet others (friends) who also know people, and have shared interests? Are you okay with coworkers setting you up? Do you volunteer anywhere?You may be an introvert, but you need to open up your social network. Do you belong to a gym, or taking classes?

[Shorthaired]

To clarify a few things:

 

I have given this new city a chance. I have been here for 4 years now which is a decent chunk of time. I meet most men trough online dating but I have tried meet-up groups and the quality was about the same. I have been to my co-workers BBQs and birthday parties and have asked them to set me up. They all said pretty much the same thing: that they know plenty of single women in my position but no single men. The only ones they know are partiers/permanent bachelors. I have left no stone unturned here. Culture here is that everyone marries young and decent men tend to stay married.

 

In my hometown I haven't had exactly the same experience. Just because I didn't get married doesn't mean that I didn't have long term relationships with quality men. I used the same dating sites and have literally never met anyone that's a substance abuser current or past. Where I currently live, 90% mention either going to a rehab in the past or it's obvious that they have a current problem.

 

So yeah, when it comes to men, there is nothing more to try. Options here ARE severely limited. Demographics when it comes to percentages of those that have finished college and are professionally employed are vastly different to my hometown.

[abitbroken]

How far away is your home town? If its just an hour or two, could you expand your search radius for online dating? And have you tried volunteering at all?

[Jibralta]

I got together with a hometown guy, so my money is on move home. You want to find a partner, and I think you will have a better opportunity to meet someone in your home town or somewhere close by. In my experience, there are two significant benefits in getting together with someone from the same general area: You know the same people, and you've probably had similar or even shared experiences. These things seem small, but they really do go a long way somehow.

[Batya33]

I agree with Jibralta and on a practical level all else equal it's easier to be around family. Biased in the sense that it's even more important when caring for a young child (as I am) or an older parent for example but in general that's what I would do.