I can't take my mind off my ex, due to recent events.

[Pretzel]

Hi all,

 

So I feel a bit sheepish posting about this (because my ex left me 6 months ago and the advice given to me by many of you wise folk was to stay well away) but I would really love some advice right now because my ex has started making contact with me recently and I just want to make sure I handle it in the best way.

 

Just to recap, he broke up with me in September 2017, saying we fight too much (which we were, but mainly because he was being avoidant and distant and instead of addressing that appropriately, I started acting up a lot by snapping at him, shouting or crying so admittedly it was becoming a disaster dynamic, but whilst I had faith we could work things out together, he simply gave up on the relationship).

There was initially a lot of push back from me, I begged, pleaded, slipped up in so many ways, but I eventually got sensible and committed myself to NC. I made new plans for myself and my life which made me feel empowered and slowly I started to find my way, without him.

 

After 2 months of NC, I was really shocked to hear from him. He sent me a text wishing me a happy new year. I had dealt with my NC and distance by being very angry with him. So I felt mixed emotions when he reached out. I ignored his text. A day or so later, he texted again asking if he wants me to drop off an item of clothing of mine he found. At this point, I decided to write back wishing him a happy new year as well and told him that I was abroad for the next few weeks. He was inquisitive, interested and eager to keep texting but i politely shut that possibility down and he said If I'd like him to drop off that item of clothing when I'm back to let him know.

 

When I got back, as soon as I felt a void, I wrote him saying he could drop it off. He came over, he gave me a hug, he looked emotional when he saw me and he was eager to get talking and catch up with me. I was still trying to figure out my own feelings and was honest with him about this, and he apologised for the behaviour he demonstrated in our break up. He told me he is now seeking therapy. He told me he's become more in tune with his emotions than he was before.

I became quickly weak to his affectionate way with me and assumed this meant he wanted me back, so I kissed him, we ended up having passionate sex. He later left without talking to me about what that meant to him. I demanded he come back so we can talk about it, and I was angry that he said we can't get back together because 'that relationship wasn't doing either of us any good'. I reacted how I would when I used to get mad at him when i felt down when we were in the relationship. I became emotional and very angry. It became a huge fight. He said 'the reason I reached out to you was because I missed talking to you, not for sex, and I thought I'd made a horrible mistake breaking up with you because you were the best thing in my life when i reflected on everything last year'. And to this I said: "And now what?" he reply: "And now I remembered why we broke up. We obviously cannot see each other without fighting so we shouldn't see each other."

 

The next day after this fight, I found myself reflecting on everything. I messaged him to say that the reason I got angry so quickly was because I had been holding onto anger through the whole my NC and I guess it just needed to come out somehow but that I had let it all go now. He said he understood and that he was sorry for being so hard, and that he's working on his issues and that it will take a long time. He told me that whilst he loves me and misses me often, that he's not ready for a relationship and wants to focus on himself and continue with therapy to resolve his blocks to commitment etc.

 

I didn't know what to draw from this, other than that I know I still love him and miss our relationship when it worked, before we started fighting, a lot. I wondered if I demanded too much too soon, for him to come around and tell me EXACTLY what he wanted after we had sex. I didn't give give him 24 hours to process it. Perhaps in this case, I made a huge mistake.

 

Since then, to my surprise we have still been in touch (usually instigated by him) we met up a few times, one of which was primary to apologise to one another and make peace. He told me he felt sick at himself for hurting me and that he didn't want the same thing to ever happen again. I thought he really would be done with me after that, but he has stayed in touch. This gives me some hope, although I know I shouldn't have any. He's made excuses to reach out. For example: asking me for a phone number he lost for example, of a plumber i recommended, recommending a show to me, sharing photos with me. Then last week, he went on holiday and he kept texting me from his holiday saying he can't believe how much he's thinking of me all the time and how much he wants me and how he's never stopped feeling this way. I've been flattered, but at the same time, tried not to hold onto what might be breadcrumbs. I've been responsive but I haven't lost my cool, and I'd like to keep it that way. And I keep telling myself: no matter what happens, he owes me nothing, so I can't get mad at him. And I've been teaching myself to own my own anger and to own my emotions.

 

I guess I'm posting today because I wonder if you might think he does want to be with me, but is perhaps too scared to say it outright, or too scared to take the risk of getting back together with me? He has been saying some intense things, that have given me hope, but I don't want to question him about it. I just want to enjoy it for what it is partly. Does he need more time, is it just a matter of time? I love him and I miss him often...and hearing from him makes me happy, so I don't feel strong enough to tell him not to contact me anymore and go back to the NC I had before, in fear of losing the chance of building back his trust slowly. I don't want to shut down that possibility entirely.

 

And at the same time, I don't want to make the same mistake as I did before when I demanded answers from him right away and ask him what he wants directly, in fear of putting him into panic mode and driving him away, and also in fear of being rejected.

 

As always, your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

[Starlight925]

Pretzel, I completely remember your situation, as I posted to you a lot, and my breakup happened around the same time.

 

I think your ex is contacting you due to loneliness, and due to wanting to keep you on the back burner, as he's probably finding dating to be harder than he thought it might be.

 

I unfortunately do not think he's contacting you to be back in a relationship. He hasn't said one word leading towards that. All of his instances of reaching out, i.e. to get a phone number, are just his ways of maintaining a string of connection, which helps him reduce his loneliness.

 

My advice is the same today as it was 6 months ago, but I know it's hard and you probably won't do it: NC and move on.

[DanZee]

Didn't you write that you were fighting all the time in this relationship? And the reason might have been because you were too clingy and too needy? And he told you the relationship wasn't working?

 

The relationship wasn't working then and it's probably not going to work in the future. You and your ex are just going through a nostalgia phase. When you don't have someone new, you think about your ex. He's thinking of you and thinking of the good times. But contacting each other means neither of you can move on, and getting back together might only recreate the same problems again. You need to analyze what you were doing in the relationship and what you were doing to push him away. And if it's just going to happen again, then you'll experience the heartbreak all over again.

[abitbroken]

STOOOOOOOOP

 

Do not entertain this man anymore. I think it talked about predicting that he would give you crocodile tears and sad puppy eyes and be so sorry to manipulate you. Stop accepting contact from him. Block his number. it doesn't matter if he WANTS to be with you or not -- he is not an appropriate man to date and treats you like trash when he IS dating you.

[Jibralta]

He's made excuses to reach out. For example: asking me for a phone number he lost for example, of a plumber i recommended, recommending a show to me, sharing photos with me. Then last week, he went on holiday and he kept texting me from his holiday saying he can't believe how much he's thinking of me all the time and how much he wants me and how he's never stopped feeling this way. I've been flattered, but at the same time, tried not to hold onto what might be breadcrumbs.

 

I think it's breadcrumbs. He knows how you feel about him, and I think he can rely on you when he needs an ego boost or something. Tell him to find his own damned plumber. I'm serious.

[SweetGirl28]

I can see how all of this would make you think he's being sincere, but honestly he's making it clear he can't be in a relationship with you. He keeps reaching out because he knows you will reply. If you stop replying, he will either go away, or try to figure out a way to be together. However, I strongly advise you to never return into any type of relationship with him. Neither of you handle tension appropriately. You are like fire and gasoline together. I hope you can realize that in addition to gaining better control over your actions and short fuse, that you one day want more for yourself then a man who wasn't good for you, nor to you. Get out and date. If you want to keep contact, go ahead, but keep it from a distance. Stop hanging out. Why are you doing that knowing he doesn't want to be with you? Missing you is very different than committing to you again. My ex just pulled that same crap with me. Except his motive was sexual. Which coincidentally wiseman who posts on here called it from the get go, lol. He was right. Buh- bye. Find your inner strength and move past it.

You say you don't want to drive him away, yet you can't because you don't really have him.

[wgmitch]

Gosh this is a hard situation and you are doing the right thing by seeking help. People are not always cut and dry. Every breakup and relationship is similar yet, different. If you know why you were fighting so much concentrate on fixing that aspect, before you make a decision. I don't think you should initiate contact with him yet or it will collapse again. I'm am the biggest advocate of NC and I would continue to let him contact you and feel this out. But don't stop being you. You have been without him for 6 months so continue to do what you have been while he was not in your life.

 

Ultimately, you need to determine if he is truly worth all of this effort. You need to do that on your own. I'm not saying he isn't, just saying you need to decide that at some point soon, before this goes any further.

 

Mitch

[Ziggy123]

"The reason I reached out to you wasn't for the sex" said every guy ever who came back for the sex 🙄 I've heard that one before. Don't believe everything he says.

[Batya33]

"if you might think he does want to be with me, but is perhaps too scared to say it outright, or too scared to take the risk of getting back together with me? "

 

People move towards pleasure and away from pain. If he chooses fear over being with you that just means that the risks of it not working out, being "scared" are not worth the benefits of being with you -he is willing to risk you being snapped up by someone else. I agree that likely nothing of any substance has changed in this very short period of time -that it would be fun for a month or so and then the fighting would resume.

 

When my husband and I got back together after dating and breaking up, for almost 8 years, I was scared of getting back together because we'd broken up amicably, but shortly before our wedding. Scary!! So when he first asked me, one month after we got back in touch, I got teary and expressed that I was scared. Because that is how I felt. He said he was too but we both chose being together over the fear that we would end things again.

 

The whole conversation took under two minutes or so including that our purpose in getting back together was to see if this time we could make it to the finish line (or I guess the beginning line!). He also tod me one of his friends advised him not to ask me this soon, to hang out for a longer period of time - but in our case that would have meant being hundreds of miles apart once he left town so we struck while the iron was hot.

 

I would say once you have to analyze why he's not asking to get back together and attributing it to "he wants me but he's too "scared"" then you have your answer. Also if he sees strong potential to reconcile he'd be mighty careful about keeping his option with you open while he makes up his mind -he'd want to make sure he wasn't sending any mixed messages for example.

 

Keep it simple and basic - towards pleasure/away from pain. And keep it simple with yourself -what has changed in this short period of time so that you think it would work this time?

[abitbroken]

Gosh this is a hard situation and you are doing the right thing by seeking help. People are not always cut and dry. Every breakup and relationship is similar yet, different. If you know why you were fighting so much concentrate on fixing that aspect, before you make a decision. I don't think you should initiate contact with him yet or it will collapse again. I'm am the biggest advocate of NC and I would continue to let him contact you and feel this out. But don't stop being you. You have been without him for 6 months so continue to do what you have been while he was not in your life.

 

Ultimately, you need to determine if he is truly worth all of this effort. You need to do that on your own. I'm not saying he isn't, just saying you need to decide that at some point soon, before this goes any further.

 

Mitch

 

If you knew their history, you would give different advice. This guy is not worth the effort. its a relationship that is harmful to her well being. He's hot and cold and disappears and is against anything that she does to better herself that doesn't instantly gratify him. She needs to end contact like someone needs to cut out a cancerous tumor.

[Hollyj]

He is stringing you along and a waste of time.

 

Block, delete and move on with your life.

[Missynt]

I don't know the whole story, I assume there's more to this than just this post, since people seem to remember your story from before. However, judging only by this particular post, he doesn't seem like a bad guy. I think that if you had a difficult relationship it's natural to be afraid to start over before both of you are sure your issues have been dealt with. So he seems like a pretty responsible person to me. He went into therapy, he understands and works on his issues, he is still nice to you and checks in with you. And I think your attitude is healthy too, being aware that he owes you nothing at this point. And most importantly he is not seeing anybody else. If what you had was good, hold on to it, but work out your issues before please. And yes, keep that anger under control. No relationship will ever work out if you burst into flames ;)

[boltnrun]

So many people make this exact same mistake. Keep "seeing" the ex whenever the ex suggests it, sleeping with the ex ("He wouldn't USE me for sex! He knows how I feel about him!!!"), staying in contact and refusing to even entertain the thought of moving forward and away from the ex. Then they're left holding absolutely nothing when the ex starts dating someone else. They ask "WHY would he do that to me??!!! How could he just start dating someone else when we've been hanging out all this time???" But remember, he is not the one with the emotional attachment to staying together as a couple. He's just spending time with you because you allow it, not because he's thinking about reconciling but is too "scared" to say so!

 

I've seen this over and over and it seldom ends well for the one hoping to reconcile. I recommend stopping this hanging out as 'friends' thing you have going because it's more likely you will be the one who ends up getting hurt yet again by this man.

[Pretzel]

Thanks guys for the feedback. It's really nice to have your support and advice still, despite how frustrating I am! I didn't write back straight away because I just needed to think things over.

 

Just as I was deciding to pull away, some things went down with him (he has a very unwell father) and I decided to offer support and he took it. I went for a walk with him when he was depressed last weekend. He also has bipolar disorder by the way, I don't know if I mentioned that, and I know his patterns and he lives really near to me. At first he said he was thankful to me for everything I've done to be there for him (I really didn't do much, just offered to go for a walk and I listened and was nice to him when he was down in the dumps) but he's gotten distant and odd with me since then and now says he feels guilty for using me emotionally. I told him WOAH I didn't see it that way at all - I didn't feel 'used' and that's not necessary to say!!! There's no need to be so disrespectful about me being nice and offering to be there. It made me feel good to be able to be supportive to someone and I felt annoyed that he made it into something sinister and bad on his part and he was feeling guilty and 'awful' about it.

I told him that he's sabotaging even us being on good terms as exes for no good reason. This was via text. He has suggested meeting and talking in person tomorrow.

I think this will be the final time I see him because unfortunately even my kindness seems to backfire.

I feel better about our break up now after this. Because now I have no regrets. I know that even when I've been the best version of myself to him, he still manages to F it up.