She's Coming to Drop Off my Stuff

[boltnrun]

This:

The only way I'm getting back out there is if I'm sure things are definitely over with us. I'll put myself out there like that for her. Any potential "us" deserves that.

Directly contradicts this:

She broke up with me and I'm single. I can sleep with whoever I please.

 

And that's it.

 

I've pointed out some discrepancies in your own words, but apparently you see this as "persecution".

 

I agree with glitter...I think your conflict resolution skills could be improved as well.

[reinventmyself]

This:

The only way I'm getting back out there is if I'm sure things are definitely over with us. I'll put myself out there like that for her. Any potential "us" deserves that.

Directly contradicts this:

She broke up with me and I'm single. I can sleep with whoever I please.

 

And that's it.

 

I've pointed out some discrepancies in your own words, but apparently you see this as "persecution".

 

I agree with glitter...I think your conflict resolution skills could be improved as well.

I agree. I get the sense having read all this, this has more to do with you and your unresolved patterns from your marriage or relationships in general. I sense a lot if anger mixed with fear.

I haven't once read what you felt your contribution to the demise in both of these relationships might have been. After all you are the common denominator here.

[Seraphim]

The end of relationships is very seldom one person’s fault.

[reinventmyself]

That's not how it happened. Here are the complete facts of those few days:

 

I sense that her demeanor was different with me through text on Sunday just before noon. I did not mention anything to her that day. The next day I sensed the same. I waited until she was done with work and called her around 6 and asked her if we could talk about something. She said she was at dinner with her daughter. I said no problem. She asked me what it was about and I told her I felt she was not as engaged there previous couple of days and that I sensed there was a disconnect on her end. I was very calm when I said this. She said now is not a good time to talk about it, but that what I was bringing up was not happening. She called me maybe 45 minutes later and I told her what I had noticed. She gave me some reasons for her actions, but I could still sense what I sensed. She said she wasn't going to make something up just to satisfy me. She also told me to choose my battles and criticized me for the delivery when I brought this issue up. I told her she has to stop doing that because I'm not going to sweep things under the rug; I'm the one who looks under the rug. Her other daughter was coming into the car so she wanted to talk later that night. I told her that was fine. So I waited about two hours for her to contact me until I reached out to her and asked her if we could talk some more. She said she was about to go to bed with her daughter and she doesn't know what else there was to talk about and then dropped the bomb about needing to think us over. I told her we needed to talk about it now otherwise don't bother calling. She said I don't get to say what happens when and that it's not Nazi Germany. I told her to take care.

 

The next day we did not speak.

 

The following night, I called and left a message that I'd like for us to talk things over. I was not angry. I called around 8 and did not get a call back. She was intentionally ignoring me.

 

The next morning, I saw her on Facebook messenger and asked her if we could talk. Once again, she said there wasn't anything to talk about. So I called her. She said she was on her way out the door so she only had a minute to talk. She was angry. I told her I wasn't going to be rushed off the phone and she had all night and all morning to call me back. She sidestepped that comment and criticized me for always giving her ultimatums. I told her she deserved them. She went into her speech about how she wishes me the best, etc. I said goodbye.

 

There may be other details in there that I don't recall while typing this out, but that's how I remember everything happening. Does this change anyone's opinion?

 

 

 

Of course. And I want to be flexible about that. I've been locked into doing it one way for so long that I deserve a little of someone's patience as well. I think that's reasonable to ask for.

 

I just find it sad that you are locked labeling her as lacking in communication skills because her way didn't suite yours. Hers are 'different' than yours and not wrong.

And because according to you,she's wrong and you have no responsibility in this?

 

Based on what I've read (and that's all I have to go on) and according to the consensus here, if you were to approach most people with your perceived correct but heavy handed communication style, we'd shut you down as well.

 

Just curious. . If you could do it all over again, would you have done anything differently and if so do you think the outcome might be different?

[Careerchoice]

Based on what I've read (and that's all I have to go on) and according to the consensus here, if you were to approach most people with your perceived correct but heavy handed communication style, we'd shut you down as well.

 

My ex-wife didn't shut me down and I did everything you guys are telling me not to do. She would have been mine forever had I not essentially changed my mind on her.

 

Just curious. . If you could do it all over again, would you have done anything differently and if so do you think the outcome might be different?

 

I would have brought this issue to her attention, talked about it for a brief moment, and then watched to see what happens next. She likely would have walked away from the conversation thinking she did nothing wrong, and therefore no changes would have been made. I would have continued to be treated the same, another fight would have ensued, and we would have broken up eventually.

 

I do care for her and we have great chemistry when we're on, but I see a compatibility issue. She needs to be the "Mama Bear" (her words) and I walk to my own beat.

[boltnrun]

So has she arrived yet to drop your things off? How did the conversation go?

[Careerchoice]

So has she arrived yet to drop your things off? How did the conversation go?

 

No. I sent her a message early this morning through Facebook Messenger letting her know which location I'll be at if she still plans to come in today and she hasn't read it yet. I'm leaving in 40 minutes, so unless she's willing to come to my house to drop things off, an equal distance away, this will have to wait for another day.

[katrina1980]

Update?

 

..

[Careerchoice]

Update?

 

..

 

Thank you for caring enough to inquire. Didn't hear from her all day, so I sent her a text message a few hours ago stating I would send her that preaddressed envelope and that she could just throw out my clothes. Then I sent her the preaddressed envelope. I'm done wasting my time on her.

[Capricorn3]

Then I would suggest toning down the aggressive communication style it is immensely disconcerting early on. I personally find your communication style to be “ in your face” and I don’t know you or even know you in person. Dial it waaaaay back or you are going to have issues with people . You can’t control how people communicate . Period.

Again, I totally agree with all of the above. To be brutally honest, I can see why things didn't work out for her and that this "relationship" barely got off the ground. She clearly saw the writing on the wall very quickly and decided this was not what she wanted, so kudos to her for quitting before investing more time into something that wasn't working for her. Way too many people tend to stay and stay and stay hoping things will improve and they never do. So, dare I say, good for her for doing the right thing.

OP, sorry if this comes across as harsh, but after reading all of your threads and your very aggressive manner, I don't think you'll find many women willing to put up with your "in you face" communication style and most would head for the hills and never look back. You come across as way too controlling/aggressive, hyper vigilant etc.

[katrina1980]

Thank you for caring enough to inquire. Didn't hear from her all day, so I sent her a text message a few hours ago stating I would send her that preaddressed envelope and that she could just throw out my clothes. Then I sent her the preaddressed envelope. I'm done wasting my time on her.

 

Cc, despite my earlier posts, I really am so sorry. I know you wanted to try again, so you must be disappointed to say the least. :(

 

I know how it feels; you hear from her and you get your hopes up.

 

Then crash.

 

I suppose the only explanation is that it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Are you ok? Hope so.

[Careerchoice]

Cc, despite my earlier posts, I really am so sorry. I know you wanted to try again, so you must be disappointed to say the least. :(

 

I know how it feels; you hear from her and you get your hopes up.

 

Then crash.

 

I suppose the only explanation is that it just wasn't meant to be.

 

Are you ok? Hope so.

 

Thank you. I am very disappointed, but I have been disappointed in her for almost two weeks now. She painted a picture of herself the first few weeks that turned out to not be accurate.

 

I see a benefit out of this weekend as I no longer have any doubt that we are not a fit.

 

I am okay. I went over to another girl's house and we fooled around a little bit. It took my mind off of things. She's not long term potential though.

[katrina1980]

 

I am okay. I went over to another girl's house and we fooled around a little bit. It took my mind off of things. She's not long term potential though.

 

No rest for the weary!

[chitown9]

 

I am okay. I went over to another girl's house and we fooled around a little bit. It took my mind off of things. She's not long term potential though.

 

That was quick! chi

[glitterfingers]

I would have brought this issue to her attention, talked about it for a brief moment, and then watched to see what happens next. She likely would have walked away from the conversation thinking she did nothing wrong, and therefore no changes would have been made. I would have continued to be treated the same, another fight would have ensued, and we would have broken up eventually.

 

I know this has been hard for you, and that you're quite firm in your opinion of the situation. But I still question how you can be so sure that the above is true. You barely knew this woman. It takes at least a year to get to know someone properly

 

That is also why it's best to avoid addressing issues head on until you know someone well and you know how they will respond (and thus how you could approach it). There are some things which will likely never go down well with someone you barely know - such as creating a sense of insecurity by directly or indirectly questioning compatibility

 

I've made this mistake a couple times already in my new relationship, but to a much lesser degree than the example here, and it's still caused the guy I'm seeing a good deal of anxiety. New connections are fragile things. Treat them with caution

[Careerchoice]

Update -

 

So the morning after my last post, I threw out one last text message to her letting her know that the only reason I gave her an ultimatum that night was because I was just threatened with the relationship and felt like I was backed into a corner. She denied it, I apologized for the part I played in the argument, explained my long history with my ex-wife where the only way she would respond was to an ultimatum, and agreed that it's not a good feeling to essentially have a gun pointed to your head the entire time.

 

We spoke on the phone later that night and I told her I believe the people you care about deserve second chances to correct their mistakes and escalating things into WW3 arguments is not a good idea. I told her my perspective has changed and I'm comfortable assuming the burden of making sure arguments don't spiral out-of-control. These are my true thoughts, not just lines. She said she wanted to take things slow, and I said that's fine. On a side note, I don't believe the speed with which we go forward will change the ultimate outcome; either I have changed my views or I haven't. She said she thought we should see each other one night this week and see what happens. The next morning we had a good text conversation while she was at work. She was planning on coming over for a little bit afterward, but work kept her too late. She said she was going to try to get back to a good place with me, but re-trusting is not something she has done before; all that she can promise is that she will try. I told her if we are meant to be, it will happen.

 

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, our texting has been sparse. Not much response on her end. She said yesterday morning that she has been pulling 16 hour days opening a new office. She has her kids this weekend and I'm giving her the day off from hearing from me. I am not sure if she still considers us together or not.

 

Although some of the advice of this thread has been to the other extreme to the point of attempting to emasculate me, I do agree that my original position is unfair and fairness is what I will consciously strive for from now on. I also believe that some of the communication techniques described in this thread are valuable. Describing how I feel in the moment, understanding her feelings. There was also a nod to Stephen Covey - seek first to understand and then be understood. Do not issue ultimatums lightly. Discontinue conversations headed towards a heated argument for another day. Don't make too many assumptions. All of these are important.

 

So we'll have to see if she has it in her to move forward from this.

[Careerchoice]

I will say that I do believe my initial gut feeling that I was being treated a bit differently by her was correct, but I would handle it differently next time. I would express how I felt. I would explain the reasons why, and when she denied it, I would leave it at that and see what happens. Maybe she would think things over and correct it. Maybe it would be self-correcting without her conscious decision as she would feel compelled to do it. Maybe she would continue to act in the same way and I would have to bring it up again. She deserved a chance to think things over and I shouldn't have demanded an immediate change. And if it got to the point where I received that threat from her, I would tell her it hurt me to hear that she was reconsidering our relationship and let her respond to it. Maybe she would confirm the threat. Maybe she would back off. I will never know. I need to have more complete conversations with people instead of jumping to the very end.

[Careerchoice]

Final update. We met on match.com. When we split a few weeks ago, I reactivated my account. She did the same. Once we started talking again on Monday, where she professed how much she missed me, etc., I suspended it again as we were working things out. Just out of curiosity, I logged in and it showed her as "online". So I texted her to let her know what I saw and to clarify what her intentions are. She said she deleted the app on her phone and that she doesn't know how that happened. I read online that Match can sporadically "re-up" profiles to seem more active than they really are. I suspect she is telling the truth, but her answers were very nonchalant. Like she could take it or leave it with me. I told her I noticed her contacts had become sparse over the past few days and it seems like she isn't even interested in working things out anymore. She blamed work. The answer was again nonchalant. I told her even when I was working like crazy a month ago, I still found a moment to check in with her, because I cared enough. No response for an hour. I then texted her that it seems like her work is consuming her at the moment and asked her if she has enough time in her life for someone like me. No response for another hour. I haven't been eating or sleeping well for 3 weeks so I texted her "I'm sorry, but this isn't for me anymore. I'm moving on. Please throw away my things." No response. I'm not texting her again. I don't believe she will, but even if she texts me, I will shut it down. I'm interested anymore.

 

Although I learned a little about communication techniques in this thread, I believe I was right the entire time. Before the argument, her feelings either changed for me for no reason, or she wasn't for real about me and she wasn't able to keep up the charade. I was perceptive enough to notice it. At that point, I don't think there was anything I could have done to "save" things as her mind was made up. In retrospect, I believe the way she was treating me deserved the couple of ultimatums I gave her. It's not like I was threatening her for not making the bed. Don't call me names. Don't hang up the phone on me. Don't threaten me with the relationship and run off to bed. These are ultimatum worthy events.

 

A poster stated that it takes a year to get to know someone and it's not fair to make assumptions before you know someone. I have a different take on it. Establishing boundaries and expectations IS getting to know someone, and this can only be done through arguing, whatever form it takes. I know it may not be popular with the members on this thread due to the negative feelings associated with arguing, but it's what must be done. And whether it occurs in a short period of time or many months, the process is the same. I don't have a year of "honeymoon phase" pretending to be nice to someone before I get to know who they are. None of us have that kind of time. So I skipped through the honeymoon phase and got to what I believe would have been the final result even if I would have been nice and patient with her, i.e., avoiding conflicts.

 

I know all of you are rolling your eyes, but it worked with my ex-wife and I kept her interested for 10 years until I intentionally caused our break up. I see no reason why it wouldn't work with someone else who's meant for me. I'll keep looking under the rug.