She's Coming to Drop Off my Stuff

[Careerchoice]

I was with my recent ex for a month and a half. It progressed fast. We had a few arguments, the last of which ended us. I mailed and dropped off at her work all of her things shortly after the split and texted her to mail me back my things as well. She ignored the two text messages. I could care less about the clothes, but the garage door opener cannot be written off. So I politely messaged her yesterday through Facebook Messenger letting her know that I would be sending her a prepaid envelope for her to mail back my garage door opener and she could send back or drop off my clothes at her convenience. She responded that she would drop my stuff off this weekend. My mind is racing.

 

Why not just mail my stuff back? It's definitely out of her way (30 minutes) to come to one of my offices on the weekend. Will she just drop my things off and leave? Will she want to talk? Is she expecting me to say something? We are both prideful and stubborn. Both of us think we did nothing wrong. I don't understand her motives.

 

For background, I could sense one weekend that she was treating me differently. She wasn't as attentive and it felt like she was taking me for granted or making me a second priority. I brought it to her attention and she went into complete denial about it. I wanted to talk to her some more about it, but her response was to text me that she needed to think things (us) over and that she was going to bed. I found it unacceptable that she would drop a bomb on me like that and then run off to sleep (Why even make the statement? Why not just think it over and talk the next day? It was inconsiderate to me.), so I told her either we talk now or don't bother calling. She refused. I gave it a coupe of days to calm down and contacted her. We argued for a moment and she wished me the best. I said good bye.

 

She has a history of avoiding conflict, or even just calmly discussing things. In her 14 year marriage, she fought with her ex-husband only three times. I don't think that's normal as I like to air out every issue. She likes to sweep things under the rug whereas I look under the rug.

 

I do still love her and would be open to working things out, but I am very hurt by her actions and I couldn't see things working out between us if she's going to treat me this way. Maybe some guys are good with being mistreated, but not me. I would rather be single.

[indea08]

1. If you were only together for a month and a half, I cannot understand how there was an argument about you feeling like a second priority. Six weeks in, you're lucky to be in the top 5 priorities. You can't continue getting so deep into a relationship so quickly, otherwise they will continue to end as quickly as they started.

 

2. You said you guys had had a few arguments. Again, at only 6 weeks in, there shouldn't be anything to argue about. This is a red flag that should've clued you in that this was way too much, way too soon.

 

3. Regarding your stuff, don't read into it. That's just her preference. I would much rather make a 30min drive, drop off a box, and be on my way. I wouldn't like the hassle of packaging stuff up, taking it to the post office, making sure it's got enough stamps, etc. And it may be a very easy, simple process, but it's not something I do often and isn't something I'd choose to do. The 30min drive is the option I'd prefer. She's probably the same way.

[Seraphim]

You already think she is a nincompoop for her politics so just this be done.

[glitterfingers]

I have no idea where I heard this, but I can't think of anything that rings more true here: Don't treat people how you want to be treated, treat them how they want to be treated.

 

I am not casting blame at either side, but for your own growth from this situation, I'd reframe the issue. As a general rule, conflict minimisation is important for relationship harmony. Some people aren't good with those heavy emotions and heated discussions - I know I'm not. If someone tries to engage me in a fight, I will find it increasingly difficult to communicate. Since you know that she's like this, why would you try and force her to be something that she's not?

 

There are certain issues that deserve to be communicated about as they occur, because it is unfair to drop a bomb and then leave someone in the lurch. But you have to think about what inspires someone to do that in the first place - usually they're at their limit already, and pushing them further is going to worsen the situation. So I think that's where you might be able to learn something. What needing to 'think things through' meant was actually "Back off". At that point it might be wise to respect the person's boundaries, no matter how unfair you think it is in that moment.

Taking space to cool down might even have helped you reconsider her intent and realise that she wasn't saying it to end things. This is why I advocate (in most situations) not acting on the first emotion that arises - delaying arguments until they can be discussed calmly

 

I think there are a few other issues here too, obviously. But I'd probably not try and push to talk when you see her, because you know for a fact that she is a person who does not like to be put under pressure... So respect that about her, let her approach on her terms, and your meeting should go smoothly.

[reinventmyself]

 

For background, I could sense one weekend that she was treating me differently. She wasn't as attentive and it felt like she was taking me for granted or making me a second priority. I brought it to her attention and she went into complete denial about it. I wanted to talk to her some more about it, but her response was to text me that she needed to think things (us) over and that she was going to bed. I found it unacceptable that she would drop a bomb on me like that and then run off to sleep (Why even make the statement? Why not just think it over and talk the next day? It was inconsiderate to me.), so I told her either we talk now or don't bother calling. She refused. I gave it a coupe of days to calm down and contacted her. We argued for a moment and she wished me the best. I said good bye.

 

She has a history of avoiding conflict, or even just calmly discussing things. In her 14 year marriage, she fought with her ex-husband only three times. I don't think that's normal as I like to air out every issue. She likes to sweep things under the rug whereas I look under the rug..

 

You've mentioned this scenario before. I understand how you feel but I am somewhat like her and if something is brought to my attention that I didn't see it coming,

I might ask for moment to think of a respectful and thoughtful response.

Especially if the conversation is escalating and not going well as depicted in your story.

 

Her saying she needed a moment to think about it can be seen as a positive thing.

If she was indeed on the fence my guess is you pushed her off it when you forced her hand and tried to force a conversation that she clearly told you she wasn't ready to have.

Not only did you push her, but you ended it when you didn't get your way.

I'd probably feel the exact same way she did.

You say she's conflict avoidant. Can you say for sure that given the opportunity she wouldn't have returned to talk about it?

You've only known her for a few weeks after all.

[Careerchoice]

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

 

I have no idea where I heard this, but I can't think of anything that rings more true here: Don't treat people how you want to be treated, treat them how they want to be treated.

 

I am not casting blame at either side, but for your own growth from this situation, I'd reframe the issue. As a general rule, conflict minimisation is important for relationship harmony. Some people aren't good with those heavy emotions and heated discussions - I know I'm not. If someone tries to engage me in a fight, I will find it increasingly difficult to communicate. Since you know that she's like this, why would you try and force her to be something that she's not?

 

Because I believe her way would lead to a break up anyway, as it did with her ex-husband. She prefers to bury disagreements until they disappear. I believe this is a flawed method as it builds resentment until it one side can't keep it contained anymore. That's why he left her for another woman. I have to be able to talk to my partner to work through things. It's in me to delay conflict, which I am happy to do, but not to avoid it.

 

But you have to think about what inspires someone to do that in the first place - usually they're at their limit already, and pushing them further is going to worsen the situation. So I think that's where you might be able to learn something. What needing to 'think things through' meant was actually "Back off".

 

I can't agree with that interpretation. I don't have the text anymore, but I believe she was clearly communicating that she was thinking of ending things with us, i.e., a threat. I can't bury my reaction to that.

 

I think there are a few other issues here too, obviously. But I'd probably not try and push to talk when you see her, because you know for a fact that she is a person who does not like to be put under pressure... So respect that about her, let her approach on her terms, and your meeting should go smoothly.

 

I will definitely heed that advice.

[Careerchoice]

You've mentioned this scenario before. I understand how you feel but I am somewhat like her and if something is brought to my attention that I didn't see it coming,

I might ask for moment to think of a respectful and thoughtful response.

Especially if the conversation is escalating and not going well as depicted in your story.

 

And I would be fine with it if that request were made, but her response to me bringing up this issue was to go into complete denial, criticize me for my delivery and even bringing up the issue, state that we would talk later, and ignore me until she was right about to go to bed. I am a reasonable person. If there is something pressing in another person's life that must be handled, I would not push the issue. But her way is a way of avoidance and I am not compatible with it. I don't believe a relationship can succeed like that.

 

Her saying she needed a moment to think about it can be seen as a positive thing.

If she was indeed on the fence my guess is you pushed her off it when you forced her hand and tried to force a conversation that she clearly told you she wasn't ready to have.

Not only did you push her, but you ended it when you didn't get your way.

I'd probably feel the exact same way she did.

 

If she would have said "Can I just have tonight to think about it?" or "I'm not feeling well. Can we talk about this tomorrow?, I would have been perfectly fine with it. But her text was along the lines of "I'm going to bed with my daughter. I don't know what else there is to say at this point anyway. I'm going to take tonight to think about what I want and need in my life. I'll call you tomorrow." I see the implied threat in there. I have no regrets about responding the way that I did.

 

You say she's conflict avoidant. Can you say for sure that given the opportunity she wouldn't have returned to talk about it?

You've only known her for a few weeks after all.

 

I feel like that would be a safe bet. She would let it sit until it magically disappeared. And not only that, nothing would change since she would believe that she didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't okay with how she started treating me.

[reinventmyself]

And I would be fine with it if that request were made, but her response to me bringing up this issue was to go into complete denial, criticize me for my delivery and even bringing up the issue, state that we would talk later, and ignore me until she was right about to go to bed. I am a reasonable person. If there is something pressing in another person's life that must be handled, I would not push the issue. But her way is a way of avoidance and I am not compatible with it. I don't believe a relationship can succeed like that.

 

 

 

If she would have said "Can I just have tonight to think about it?" or "I'm not feeling well. Can we talk about this tomorrow?, I would have been perfectly fine with it. But her text was along the lines of "I'm going to bed with my daughter. I don't know what else there is to say at this point anyway. I'm going to take tonight to think about what I want and need in my life. I'll call you tomorrow." I see the implied threat in there. I have no regrets about responding the way that I did.

 

 

 

I feel like that would be a safe bet. She would let it sit until it magically disappeared. And not only that, nothing would change since she would believe that she didn't do anything wrong. I wasn't okay with how she started treating me.

Unfortunately for the both of you, this all went down over a text.

I can't help but wonder if the same conversation was played out over an actual phone call, the outcome would have been different.

We've all been guilty assuming someone's intentions when reading something electronically rather than hearing the tone of their voice.

[katrina1980]

I think she wants to deliver your things in person because she misses you and has second thoughts.

 

She's gonna look hot and you will end up in bed.

 

Afterwards, hopefully you can hash this out and move forward together, assuming you can respect the fact her political views differ from yours and that she's "crazy" (from your previous thread).

 

Don't care that it's only been 1.5 months, that's what happens sometimes, I know a couple who got married after dating only four months and very happy.

 

Love (or a powerful sexual/emotional chemistry) always prevails in the end!

[boltnrun]

What has changed regarding her lack of conflict resolution skills and your differences of opinion regarding core beliefs that makes you want to try this relationship again?

[Careerchoice]

I think she wants to deliver your things in person because she misses you and has second thoughts.

 

She's gonna look hot and you will end up in bed.

 

Afterwards, hopefully you can hash this out and move forward together, assuming you can respect the fact her political views differ from yours and that she's "crazy" (from your previous thread).

 

Don't care that it's only been 1.5 months, that's what happens sometimes, I know a couple who got married after dating only four months and very happy.

 

Love always prevails in the end!

 

At first, I thought you were being facetious in your post, but you have no idea how much I want all of this to be true lol!

 

I do respect the fact that her politics differ than mine. I don't understand why that keeps getting brought up. It was a conversation that we had one week into the relationship and I really let it go after that. She can believe whatever she wants to believe. I'm fine with it. I don't think she's a horrible person like I was worried about.

 

She has some quirks, like me, but she's not crazy.

 

I do love her.

 

I'm going to digress for a moment. I was with my ex-wife for ten years. I am over her and do not mean to slam her on the Internet, but she was extremely immature. She was arrogant and selfish in a 6-year-old-princess type of way. For a large part of the relationship, when we would argue, I would initially try to reason with her. I was persistent and patient with her. I would gradually escalate arguments until it would get to the point where there was nothing left for me to do but issue and ultimatum. Then she would respond. As time went on, I started skipping the pointless in between step of trying to reason with her because it was a waste of time.

 

I am realizing that my recent ex is different than my ex-wife. I owe it to her to be a bit more patient and explain my boundaries to her more thoroughly. After all, she hasn't had this type of experience since her ex-husband was such a pacifist and played right in to her bury-it-all-inside mindset.

 

I'm willing to try again. My recent ex is worth it. She's someone special. If she hasn't really checked out yet...

[Careerchoice]

What has changed regarding her lack of conflict resolution skills

 

That is my burden to bear. Someone is going to have to steer the ship and that's me. It's up to me to manage the conflict resolution process between us in a way that keeps us both happy. Maybe an earlier poster touched on a solution: delay nonessential arguments until tempers have cooled down.

 

and your differences of opinion regarding core beliefs that makes you want to try this relationship again?

 

Our political differences really don't bother me. Otherwise I would have dumped her a week into this. I was on the precipice of doing so. We'll talk it over every so often. Maybe I'll say something to change her mind, maybe she'll change some of my thoughts.

[Careerchoice]

Love (or a powerful sexual/emotional chemistry) always prevails in the end!

 

It's all there. I've dated enough girls to know. She has something that other girls don't give me.

[katrina1980]

I think she wants to deliver your things in person because she misses you and has second thoughts.

 

She's gonna look hot and you will end up in bed.

 

Afterwards, hopefully you can hash this out and move forward together, assuming you can respect the fact her political views differ from yours and that she's "crazy" (from your previous thread).

 

Don't care that it's only been 1.5 months, that's what happens sometimes, I know a couple who got married after dating only four months and very happy.

 

Love (or a powerful sexual/emotional chemistry) always prevails in the end!

 

To add:

 

Cc I don't understand your reactions.

 

You, YOU, were the one who brought to her attention (in a txt) that she was not as attentive and treating you like a second priority.

 

She texted back that she was not ready to discuss at that moment and wanted to think on it. Perfectly understandable. Best to not discuss over text anyway.

 

So what is this "bomb" she suddenly dropped? You asked!

 

But you didn't like that she didn't jump like a pup to discuss at that exact moment, which would have alleviated YOUR anxiety.

 

So you were left feeling anxious the rest of the night. Which was your issue not hers.

 

And you broke up over this?

 

Perhaps I am mssing something but you sound emotionally demanding.

 

My ex was like this and it was exhausting!! Emotionally. Totally exhausting.

 

If you do get back together, dial it back. Respect that she may not want to discuss issues at that exact moment.

 

We all have different styles of resolving conflicts, respect that hers are different from yours.

[boltnrun]

What if she doesn't agree to let you "steer the ship"?

[Careerchoice]

You, YOU, were the one who brought to her attention (in a txt) that she was not as attentive and treating you like a second priority.

 

She texted back that she was not ready to discuss at that moment and wanted to think on it. Perfectly understandable. Best to not discuss over text anyway.

 

So what is this "bomb" she suddenly dropped? You asked!

 

But you didn't like that she didn't jump like a pup to discuss at that exact moment, which would have alleviated YOUR anxiety.

 

That's not how it happened. Here are the complete facts of those few days:

 

I sense that her demeanor was different with me through text on Sunday just before noon. I did not mention anything to her that day. The next day I sensed the same. I waited until she was done with work and called her around 6 and asked her if we could talk about something. She said she was at dinner with her daughter. I said no problem. She asked me what it was about and I told her I felt she was not as engaged there previous couple of days and that I sensed there was a disconnect on her end. I was very calm when I said this. She said now is not a good time to talk about it, but that what I was bringing up was not happening. She called me maybe 45 minutes later and I told her what I had noticed. She gave me some reasons for her actions, but I could still sense what I sensed. She said she wasn't going to make something up just to satisfy me. She also told me to choose my battles and criticized me for the delivery when I brought this issue up. I told her she has to stop doing that because I'm not going to sweep things under the rug; I'm the one who looks under the rug. Her other daughter was coming into the car so she wanted to talk later that night. I told her that was fine. So I waited about two hours for her to contact me until I reached out to her and asked her if we could talk some more. She said she was about to go to bed with her daughter and she doesn't know what else there was to talk about and then dropped the bomb about needing to think us over. I told her we needed to talk about it now otherwise don't bother calling. She said I don't get to say what happens when and that it's not Nazi Germany. I told her to take care.

 

The next day we did not speak.

 

The following night, I called and left a message that I'd like for us to talk things over. I was not angry. I called around 8 and did not get a call back. She was intentionally ignoring me.

 

The next morning, I saw her on Facebook messenger and asked her if we could talk. Once again, she said there wasn't anything to talk about. So I called her. She said she was on her way out the door so she only had a minute to talk. She was angry. I told her I wasn't going to be rushed off the phone and she had all night and all morning to call me back. She sidestepped that comment and criticized me for always giving her ultimatums. I told her she deserved them. She went into her speech about how she wishes me the best, etc. I said goodbye.

 

There may be other details in there that I don't recall while typing this out, but that's how I remember everything happening. Does this change anyone's opinion?

 

We all have different styles of resolving conflicts, respect that hers are different from yours.

 

Of course. And I want to be flexible about that. I've been locked into doing it one way for so long that I deserve a little of someone's patience as well. I think that's reasonable to ask for.

[Careerchoice]

What if she doesn't agree to let you "steer the ship"?

 

I wouldn't ask her permission to do it. I would just do it. I couldn't let her do it. She tried that in her last relationship and what happened is exactly what I would expect to happen. She's not proficient in conflict resolution with her partner. It's not a skill of hers.

[boltnrun]

I wouldn't ask her permission to do it. I would just do it. I couldn't let her do it. She tried that in her last relationship and what happened is exactly what I would expect to happen. She's not proficient in conflict resolution with her partner. It's not a skill of hers.

 

And you think this will be successful?

 

Based on what you've written about her, I doubt she is the type of woman who will just sit still and allow you to decide how conflicts between the two of you are resolved.

 

Are you planning to tell her that she's not proficient in conflict resolution, it's not a skill of hers, and therefore you are going to "steer the ship" regarding resolving conflicts?

 

I can't even imagine how that's going to go down.

[Careerchoice]

And you think this will be successful?

 

Based on what you've written about her, I doubt she is the type of woman who will just sit still and allow you to decide how conflicts between the two of you are resolved.

 

Are you planning to tell her that she's not proficient in conflict resolution, it's not a skill of hers, and therefore you are going to "steer the ship" regarding resolving conflicts?

 

I can't even imagine how that's going to go down.

 

No, my plan is to, as soon as things get heated between us, say "let's talk about this another time", and then bring it up at a later time when things have calmed down a bit. What's wrong with this plan? I'm not going to ask her permission to do this or let her know I'm doing this actively. That would just be weird.

[boltnrun]

I'm just basing this on what you've written about her.

 

I am very much the type who prefers to calm down before discussing differences. But I've been involved with men who want to have the discussion right away and who will keep trying to talk even when I ask for a few minutes.

 

I don't think it's a bad idea; I'm just not convinced she is going to follow your lead since she hasn't seemed to so far.

 

Why are you so determined to try to make this work? You wrote in another thread that she's not a unicorn and that you can find a better woman. So why even try?

[Careerchoice]

I'm just basing this on what you've written about her.

 

I am very much the type who prefers to calm down before discussing differences. But I've been involved with men who want to have the discussion right away and who will keep trying to talk even when I ask for a few minutes.

 

My ex-wife reacted to immediate discussion only. If I let it sit for a while, she would become entrenched in her view that she was right. Like I said, she is immature. Recent ex appears to operate differently.

 

I don't think it's a bad idea; I'm just not convinced she is going to follow your lead since she hasn't seemed to so far.

 

Why are you so determined to try to make this work? You wrote in another thread that she's not a unicorn and that you can find a better woman. So why even try?

 

I do think she is special. The past several hours have allowed me to get over my anger and see that. In the end, I can only say that the heart wants what it wants.

[katrina1980]

Cc I mean no disrespect when I write this but your hard-nosed approach to that situation was cringeworthy.

 

Like I really did literally cringe while reading, sorry.

 

Apparently you have no idea how you come across in your interactions or came across in that situation -- not well.

 

Controlling, domineering, hard-nosed and I agree with what she said, this is not Nazi, Germany, and you're not Hitler.

 

Which is exactly how you came off, whether you realize it or not.

 

Like it's your way or the high way, specifically when she was with her *daughter* and didn't want to discuss at that time, perhaps wanted to calm down and sleep on it, and your response was "either we talk now or don't bother calling."

 

I can certainly understand why she didn't take well to that threat, which is what it was. You completely disrespected her boundaries!

 

Looking under the rug is one thing, but "that" was something else entirely.

 

Where did you ever learn that taking that type of hard-nosed domineering approach works with women?

 

Literally SMH.

[Careerchoice]

Cc I mean no disrespect when I write this but your hard-nosed approach to that situation was cringeworthy.

 

Like I really did literally cringe while reading, sorry.

 

Apparently you have no idea how you come across in your interactions or came across in that situation -- not well.

 

Controlling, domineering, hard-nosed and I agree with what she said, this is not Nazi, Germany, and you're not Hitler.

 

Which is exactly how you came off, whether you realize it or not.

 

Like it's your way or the high way, specifically when she was with her *daughter* and didn't want to discuss at that time, perhaps wanted to calm down and sleep on it, and your response was "either we talk now or don't bother calling."

 

I can certainly understand why she didn't take well to that threat, which is what it was. You completely disrespected her boundaries!

 

Looking under the rug is one thing, but "that" was something else entirely.

 

Where did you ever learn that taking that type of hard-nosed domineering approach works with women?

 

Literally SMH.

 

Alright, how would you have responded to "I'm going to think about what I need and want in my life and call you tomorrow"? Essentially - I'm thinking about breaking up with you. That's the threat that caused things to escalate.

[katrina1980]

That wasn't a threat, that was her not wanting to discuss at that moment.

 

Your own anxiety caused you to *perceive* it as a threat.

 

As for how I would have responded, I definitely would not have been happy, BUT I would have contained whatever anxiety (or in your case, anger) I was feeling and respected that he didn't want to talk at that moment, and waited for him to contact me to discuss.

 

Tried to contain my anxiety about it in the meantime.

 

I don't lose my **** and don't appreciate when men do either, in fact I find it a major turn off.

 

Doing so serves NO good purpose, as you quickly discovered afterwards.

 

Respect your partner's boundaries even if doing so causes you anxiety and discomfort.

[Seraphim]

Wasn’t she recovering from the flu and have her kids who she hadn’t seen in a bit?