Super nice guy, but not enough chemistry?

[katrina1980]

True story - my ex had a friend who had a very specific physical type. Tall, thin, blonde.

 

He was 38 and the only women he dated and had relationships with were tall, thin and blonde.

 

One night he met a woman who really through him for a loop; I remember it so clearly even though it was years ago.

 

This woman was not tall, thin and blonde, she was petite and brunette.

 

But he could not stop thinking about her. Went on and on about her, and I finally said, why don't you ask her out?

 

He was really torn because, while she was attractive, she was not a great beauty and not his physical type.

 

But he could not stop talking about her! Kept saying "don't know what it is, there is just "something" about her, and how we interacted that was special, different from other girls.

 

So I blurted out "it's energy." You guys simply have great energy! That you never experienced with the other girls you dated. With them, it was all about the physical.

 

Anyway, long story short, he ended up asking her out and married her a year later.

[Batya33]

There is this Sex and The City episode like that where the guy dates the woman behind the cheese counter and he's really into her chemistry-wise but she's heavier than he usually goes for and she wouldn't be a trophy on his arm, etc. She ends it because she doesn't like being hidden.

 

So I think there's a difference between settling for lack of chemistry and deciding that if chemistry isn't there on a first meet it never will be. I thought the latter was more the issue in this thread.

[mustlovedogs]

There is this Sex and The City episode like that where the guy dates the woman behind the cheese counter and he's really into her chemistry-wise but she's heavier than he usually goes for and she wouldn't be a trophy on his arm, etc. She ends it because she doesn't like being hidden.

 

So I think there's a difference between settling for lack of chemistry and deciding that if chemistry isn't there on a first meet it never will be. I thought the latter was more the issue in this thread.

 

I don’t really understand the point you’re making. Can you clarify?

[Batya33]

I can’t offer that energy. If a woman must have chemistry she as well reject me immediately.

 

It's not about offering. It's energy created by the interaction between two people. You do have to be generally open to feeling it and to interacting in a way that makes you approachable.

[katrina1980]

hhs, unless you're some alien from outer space, all human beings possess energy. Negative and positive energy.

 

It's within and exudes from each and every one of us.

 

Hell, the entire Universe (of which human beings are part of) consists of energy, among other elements.

 

What's happening with you is, because you've been hurt or disappointed or whatever you're feeling, your energy/vibe is negative.

 

People can sense negative energy/vibe and it's a huge turn off.

 

I dont know what the answer is, but somehow you need to feel and become more positive.

 

Not only about yourself but life in general.

 

Change your mind set. Start seeing the glass half full versus the half glass empty.

 

Positive people attract positive experiences.

 

Negative people attractive negative experiences, which is what's happening with you.

 

And it just snowballs and exacerbates until your negative vibe just oozes from your pores turning off any woman you come in contact with.

 

I'm sorry I know what I'm saying sounds negative too but that's what I'm getting from you.

 

Change starts within yourself!

[TheRawTruth]

Great post, gives me a lot to think about!

 

For a lot of women, I think that the rush, the "chemistry", comes from a deeper issue relating to childhood wounds of their father not being fully present, so they equate that eggshells feeling with a longing for the love of their father, that they never fully got. There's a psychological theory (Harville Hendrix wrote a lot about it) where we try to fill that void left by the one parent we felt the void with. So, for many women, it was a father who was absentee/alcoholic/anger issues/etc.

 

For me, I had (have) the opposite in a father. My father has always been truly there, in every sense of the word. I have the opposite, an emotionally distant mother. I've done lots of work, therapy, etc., to uncover these issues, but it makes me a bit unique.

 

I've had some terrific guys in my past, who were the "great on paper" guys, who I let go. They went on to marry nice women, and they are (seem) happy. I now look back and realize what I did in letting these great guys go!

 

So to answer your question (bolded in your post), they too were "good on paper", because admittedly, I'm a dating snob, so there are many things I look for before entering a relationship. It wasn't until later that I saw bad behaviors. Admittedly, though, I look back now and realize the red flags were waving long before I left some of those relationships. One lie should be one lie too many, but I stayed. One personal put-down should be one too many, but I stayed.

 

But, as I said, I've been with some amazing guys, who were both good on paper, and great to me. Yet I left. So I knew I had work to do, which is definitely an ongoing process.

 

What I'm working on now is, am I putting this guy in the same category as the great guys who came before him, but I left and realized later they were great guys? Or is it truly just a lack of attraction and chemistry?

 

OK. Thiiiiis is what I was looking for. HONESTY. So thank you. You at least acknowledge that you SAW signs (looking back on it) that should've been cause for concern. Likewise you've HAD great guys and let them GO. So the question is, WHY did you pass on them? Why did you stay so much longer with the guys who put you down, lied, etc. but breakup with the guys who were great all the way around? That boggles my mind. (Is it that they were "too perfect" so it was boring?)

 

You also say you're a dating snob. lol (which can be a problem if you focus too much on the 'on paper' part and not enough on the other things.) What are the most important things you look for?

 

Oh, and to answer YOUR original question, some of my female friends said chemistry has developed with guys over time, so I guess it is possible.

[Starlight925]

So the question is, WHY did you pass on them? Why did you stay so much longer with the guys who put you down, lied, etc. but breakup with the guys who were great all the way around? That boggles my mind. (Is it that they were "too perfect" so it was boring?)

 

You also say you're a dating snob. lol (which can be a problem if you focus too much on the 'on paper' part and not enough on the other things.) What are the most important things you look for?

 

 

For the great guys that I didn't keep, I think I was too young to appreciate them, and I hadn't worked out the childhood issues that have caused me to bond with the bad guys. I've done a lot of therapy, and I feel that I've gotten to the bottom of that issue, but it's always a work in progress.

 

I have 3 amazing guys in my past that I walked away from: 2 were actually guys I married! And 1 would have married me. I kick myself every day, as these guys have all moved on after I left them, and they are all happily married today.

 

There are childhood patterns that we work out in our adult relationships that can be detrimental, if we are not conscious of them. Earlier in adulthood, I was being "chosen" a lot, by these great guys, who reminded me of my dad, but I had the stuff with my mom to work out, so I later chose guys who had her negative traits. I see that much more clearly now.

 

So maybe it isn't just a question of chemistry vs. no chemistry, but a question of realizing that I no longer will work out anything from my past with someone in my future.

 

Thanks for your input, super helpful and makes me think!

[glitterfingers]

Late to the thread, but, FWIW I virtually never feel chemistry on the first date. First dates are too "forced" for me to actually feel anything more than mild to moderate anxiety. And I know that this prohibits others from feeling chemistry with me - I simply can't step outside of myself enough to entertain someone to that degree. I'm sure there are plenty of great guys out there who struggle with similar issues and get passed over for it

 

Add to that, most of the times I've felt strong "chemistry" were with guys who knew how to play on my emotions. That chemistry isn't true chemistry. True chemistry often takes time to establish. Because if you think about it, all you're really talking about here is your sexual desire and emotional attraction for that person, and a few hours isn't enough time to know what they have in store for you

[intotheself]

LHGirl, speaking from experience, please don't settle for just an "honest-to-goodness nice guy."

 

If you don't feel that *energy* (which is essentially what chemistry is) with a man, it's not a romantic relationship anyway, it a friendship.

 

If you settle for that, you will eventually feel emotionally empty and unchallenged, alone and well, just "blah."

 

Sure he's "there" but you will still feel alone if there is no energy keeping your relationship alive, exhilarating and passionate (not just physically).

 

After experiencing both types of RLs, I refuse to settle for anything less than a man who challenges me emotionally, mentally and even physically, and with whom there is that mutual energy/chemistry.

 

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life rather than settle for a "nice" guy with whom that energy is missing.

 

MLD described it perfectly. The butterflies (which in a long term relationship will ebb and flow), the anticipation of seeing him, walking through the door, missing him when he's gone, the endless and easy flow of conversation.

 

Why would you want anything less than that?

 

It's your life of course, but meh and blah. Would rather be alone.

 

I appreciate your insight defining chemistry as 'energy' felt between two people. I have had the same problem as the OP's. I met a great guy who ticks all the boxes but the mutual energy I felt initinally is dwindling over a few dates. I have agnoaized why but your thought helped me to understand why. This guy has not challenged me at all, by agreeing with almost everything I say or suggest. Chemistry doesn't seem to be the sole matter of physical attraction, as he is good-looking. Last week, I came across a guy in a discussion group I started to attend recently. I got a little crush on him, after he asked me to clarify the statement I said. He made me clear my thought, which taught me something. I look forward to seeing him again in the next meet up! Mental challenge is sexy. But I thoroughly hear OP's concern. I have the same issue from childhood experience.

[IAmFCA]

OK, so I'm back in the dating world, after a breakup almost 7 months ago.

 

Put my profile back....actually did it shortly after the breakup, and had several meetings, before realizing that I was just not ready for the B.S. that comes along with online dating. So I removed the profiles, but now I'm back.

 

I've gotten a lot of emails, but most of them are garbage....the spam, the Nigerian money-grabbers, etc. Or guys where I'd have honestly zero connection.

 

But I had a nice meet with someone the other day. So nice, and he checks every single box I can think of. Total gentleman, messaged on the site for a bit, asked me to meet, he chose a place close to where I live (actually gave me 3 choices, which was so nice of him), he showed up about 15 minutes early to grab some seats, he walked me to my car, he asked me for a date, he texted me to confirm that he really enjoyed meeting me. Every. Single. Box. Oh, and he's cute, and he lives about 10 minutes from me. Divorced for many years now, definitely single. Check, check, check.

 

What's missing.....the chemistry. Like, I didn't drive away hoping I'd hear from him. I did text him back, as I figure it's definitely worth an actual date.

 

I'm used to the rush....the exhilaration. But that got me in the mess I was in with the last guy.

 

Anyone have any experience where they didn't feel chemistry, but it worked out?

 

Yes, I have had this experience more than once. I expected to write a different reply. Then, I read your post.

 

Are you sure you want a man who is bf material? Because, maybe your instincts are telling you otherwise.

[Last Gentleman]

Let me give you the perspective from a guy who is also said to check a lot of boxes... I'm so fed-up with this delusion some women have about chemistry, when I go to bars where I live I often hear the usual girls talking,

saying something like "where have all the good men gone", newsflash ladies they are in your discarded for no chemistry pile ! Yes chemistry can grow, it's not always an instant thing and sometimes you also have to work

for it yourself.

 

There's a difference between wasting your time if you see red flags, or you really don't like his face, humor or the vibe a man gives. To just wanting to know someone that looks like a great human being, sure after 3 dates

it might not work, but really what's the risk trying ? I really don't understand this logic, wouldn't you feel a bit annoyed if some man would have the reverse logic, that he thinks he can figure you out just after 1 date !!!?

 

I tried online dating years ago and that's the thing that shocked me, they looked at my profile texting me stuff like "omg are you for real ?", or "how is it possible you're single", maybe they ramp up their expectations too

damn much and invariably 90% of the time I would get one date and nothing more, some not even having courtesy to say anything and just disappear. That's why I will never use online dating again, seems to me no one

wants to do any efforts to really know the other, it has to be like junk food, quick, easy and pleasurable...

[Batya33]

Let me give you the perspective from a guy who is also said to check a lot of boxes... I'm so fed-up with this delusion some women have about chemistry, when I go to bars where I live I often hear the usual girls talking,

saying something like "where have all the good men gone", newsflash ladies they are in your discarded for no chemistry pile ! Yes chemistry can grow, it's not always an instant thing and sometimes you also have to work

for it yourself.

 

There's a difference between wasting your time if you see red flags, or you really don't like his face, humor or the vibe a man gives. To just wanting to know someone that looks like a great human being, sure after 3 dates

it might not work, but really what's the risk trying ? I really don't understand this logic, wouldn't you feel a bit annoyed if some man would have the reverse logic, that he thinks he can figure you out just after 1 date !!!?

 

I tried online dating years ago and that's the thing that shocked me, they looked at my profile texting me stuff like "omg are you for real ?", or "how is it possible you're single", maybe they ramp up their expectations too

damn much and invariably 90% of the time I would get one date and nothing more, some not even having courtesy to say anything and just disappear. That's why I will never use online dating again, seems to me no one

wants to do any efforts to really know the other, it has to be like junk food, quick, easy and pleasurable...

 

I dated for many years before there were on line dating websites. The bar and club scene had the same candy store/snap judgment situation except that you were scanning the room not scrolling through profiles. I know of a number of marriages that started from meeting in a bar/club and based on a snap judgment/initial impression that turned into a long, happy, compatible, loving relationship. And the opposite.

 

Likewise I know of several happy marriages and LTR (meaning like marriage) that resulted from meeting from a dating site. It's not the dating sites that create the "instant chemistry required" mindset -that's always been there - those dating sites might make it easier to sit in front of a screen and scroll rather than get dressed and go to a singles event - but it's simply another way people with that mindset meet people. Nothing wrong with that mindset at all - it can lead to a happy marriage too. I do think it vastly limits the dating pool and people with that mindset forego many potentially good matches. But it's a free country and no harm done.

[Last Gentleman]

I dated for many years before there were on line dating websites. The bar and club scene had the same candy store/snap judgment situation except that you were scanning the room not scrolling through profiles. I know of a number of marriages that started from meeting in a bar/club and based on a snap judgment/initial impression that turned into a long, happy, compatible, loving relationship. And the opposite.

 

Likewise I know of several happy marriages and LTR (meaning like marriage) that resulted from meeting from a dating site. It's not the dating sites that create the "instant chemistry required" mindset -that's always been there - those dating sites might make it easier to sit in front of a screen and scroll rather than get dressed and go to a singles event - but it's simply another way people with that mindset meet people. Nothing wrong with that mindset at all - it can lead to a happy marriage too. I do think it vastly limits the dating pool and people with that mindset forego many potentially good matches. But it's a free country and no harm done.

 

Sure maybe this isn't symptomatic of only online dating, but you can't argue it gives people more options to be lazy and not actualy go out meeting the persons in reality.

My point exactly if women want to limit their dating pool and relationship possibilities, well no one can force them but then don't complain you are 40 and single, it doesn't fall out from the sky !

[Batya33]

Sure maybe this isn't symptomatic of only online dating, but you can't argue it gives people more options to be lazy and not actualy go out meeting the persons in reality.

My point exactly if women want to limit their dating pool and relationship possibilities, well no one can force them but then don't complain you are 40 and single, it doesn't fall out from the sky !

 

Of course it gives them more options - but it doesn't create the mindset in the first place. That's important because it's like dieting - we have many more options now to get unhealthy food -there are apps, you can text/call/have it delivered 24/7 but if you're not a person who has a propensity to eat unhealthy/binge those other options aren't going to start you on binging.

 

I agree with not complaining about being single if you are getting in your own way. I got in my own way to an extent but not because of needing instant chemistry. I complained once in awhile but mostly I was too busy being proactive about meeting people and figuring out how to become the right person to find the right person.

[abitbroken]

another vote that i would have accepted a second date if i were you. If the conversation flowed, you found him attractive, he had good boundaries like you say -- i would have gone out again. You are used to the fast burn and the chaos and someone even someone treating you badly or intriguing you by it. I think you don't know what good chemistry is. Its okay not to want to tear someone's clothes off on a first date. And in fact, i would really worry if i felt that because that's not what i am out for.

[Starlight925]

So, here's a funny update.....

 

After all that, 7 thread pages later.....

 

He hasn't contacted me again for another date, lol.

 

He texted me a couple of days after our meeting to say he had a nice time, and that we should do it again after my (planned) minor surgery, that I had told him about. I texted him back, saying that yes, I'd really like to get together again, and I reiterated that my surgery was the following day. But, that was it.

 

So, 7 pages later, and I guess he made the decision not to see me again! Thanks for all your replies, though, as it's helped me figure some things out!

[TheRawTruth]

So, here's a funny update.....

 

After all that, 7 thread pages later.....

 

He hasn't contacted me again for another date, lol.

 

He texted me a couple of days after our meeting to say he had a nice time, and that we should do it again after my (planned) minor surgery, that I had told him about. I texted him back, saying that yes, I'd really like to get together again, and I reiterated that my surgery was the following day. But, that was it.

 

So, 7 pages later, and I guess he made the decision not to see me again! Thanks for all your replies, though, as it's helped me figure some things out!

 

It's possible that he could tell YOUR interest wasn't that high. Despite our perceived lack of intelligence, lol some men can read a situation and stop pursuing. Doesn't mean he wasn't interested in you though.

[Starlight925]

It's possible that he could tell YOUR interest wasn't that high. Despite our perceived lack of intelligence, lol some men can read a situation and stop pursuing. Doesn't mean he wasn't interested in you though.

 

Thanks, I thought about that. Maybe I didn't give him enough "go" signals.

[Starlight925]

Update: He just texted, asking me out for Saturday night. I responded quickly, and we are going out! So, I will update again, after!

[abitbroken]

Thanks, I thought about that. Maybe I didn't give him enough "go" signals.

 

If someone was sick or having minor surgery and i just met them, i would wait for them to contact me when they were ready. Don't assume the worst. I am glad that you are going out again with a guy who seems to have good boundaries thus far

[Starlight925]

If someone was sick or having minor surgery and i just met them, i would wait for them to contact me when they were ready. Don't assume the worst. I am glad that you are going out again with a guy who seems to have good boundaries thus far

 

LOL, read the post just above yours. He did end up texting me, and we are going out on Saturday.

[mustlovedogs]

LOL, read the post just above yours. He did end up texting me, and we are going out on Saturday.

 

I think abitbroken was acknowledging that and saying that it’s an appropriate boundary to wait to reach out

[abitbroken]

I think abitbroken was acknowledging that and saying that it’s an appropriate boundary to wait to reach out

 

Yes. This guy has acted appropriately at everything so far. When you went on one date, its not aprorpriate for them to play nurse to you after surgery - and they certainly don't want to call you when you are trying to sleep or aren't thinking clearly recovering from anesthesia. i think he waited long enough to give you space but not long enough to make you think he was not interested.

[AlexSays]

I was in the exact same boat as you rn.

I met a great guy, but no chemistry. Not even attraction.

I was used to intense, back and forth exhilaration with my ex. TBH now I dont even miss it.

Now, I am too used to being treated the right way by a gentleman.

It's been 2 months, I like him more and more every day.

[AlexSays]

LHGirl, speaking from experience, please don't settle for just an "honest-to-goodness nice guy."

 

If you don't feel that *energy* (which is essentially what chemistry is) with a man, it's not a romantic relationship anyway, it a friendship.

 

If you settle for that, you will eventually feel emotionally empty and unchallenged, alone and well, just "blah."

 

Sure he's "there" but you will still feel alone if there is no energy keeping your relationship alive, exhilarating and passionate (not just physically).

 

After experiencing both types of RLs, I refuse to settle for anything less than a man who challenges me emotionally, mentally and even physically, and with whom there is that mutual energy/chemistry.

 

I would rather be alone for the rest of my life rather than settle for a "nice" guy with whom that energy is missing.

 

MLD described it perfectly. The butterflies (which in a long term relationship will ebb and flow), the anticipation of seeing him, walking through the door, missing him when he's gone, the endless and easy flow of conversation.

 

Why would you want anything less than that?

 

It's your life of course, but meh and blah. Would rather be alone.

 

 

The guy I am with, we started and I felt NO chemistry. No attraction, no NOTHING.

And now?

I literally get butterflies when I think of him.

I cant wait to see him every weekend. I keep thinking of plans for us. The attraction falters tho. He's needs a bit of a fixing upping, he's the type that likes being comfortable so he doesnt dress up or anything. But MANNN does he have ARMS. He's so strong!

Some of his teeth need to be fixed a little... but his BEARD IS EVERYTHING. He is NO prince charming, but I gave it a shot because he treats me right. He treats me well. And now those things that were originally missing are all slowly showing up. He makes me so happy, I dont even miss the drama with my ex.