Super nice guy, but not enough chemistry?

[Last Gentleman]

Thanks Katrina, I totally get what you’re saying.

 

I guess it’s more about me bringing the same level of enthusiasm to this date that I bring to everything else I do in my life.

 

No, I wouldn’t like if a guy faked it with me either!

 

I just want to consciously change my future destiny and go out with someone I’d have otherwise pasted on

 

But I completely see what you’re saying! That it’s not fair to him, as it wouldn’t be fair for a guy to do for me, to fake anything.

 

I’ll keep all that in mind as I go out on Saturday. He’s already come up with some great suggestions, which I appreciate. So we shall see!

 

I'm going to state an evidence to me, but it seems you're just realizing this ! When something puzzles you on a date, turn the tables around and put yourself in the man's shoes, you might realise you're doing stuff you wouldn't like being done to you, unfortunately too many people are too selfish nowadays to do the effort.

 

Also understand that even if the guy likes you, he still has this pressure on his shoulders, to plan the date and make sure everything goes smoothly as he expects. You know I have been on dates where the woman was almost hostile, looking at you like, come on can't you do better, I'm waiting for you to show your worth as I just sit and judge... these never get another call !

But as you had a good time and no red flags, there's really no harm in giving it another call.

[Starlight925]

I'm going to state an evidence to me, but it seems you're just realizing this ! When something puzzles you on a date, turn the tables around and put yourself in the man's shoes, you might realise you're doing stuff you wouldn't like being done to you, unfortunately too many people are too selfish nowadays to realize this.

 

Also understand that even if the guy likes you, he still has this pressure on his shoulders, to plan the date and make sure everything goes smoothly as he expects. You know I have been on dates where the woman was almost hostile, looking at you like, come on can't you do better, I'm waiting for you to show your worth as I just sit... Usually these never get another call !

But as you had a good time and no red flags, there's really no harm in giving it another call.

 

Thank you for this!

 

I'm actually emailing back & forth now with another guy who, prior to this thread, wouldn't have been someone I'd have responded to. But he's been so nice, consistent, and yes, checks all the boxes "on paper", that I'm responding enthusiastically & receptively to him. He's going to call me tonight, so we'll see how this goes.

 

It actually feels good to be stepping outside my box a bit. Maybe I can change my destiny here, a little bit!

 

Thanks to all who have responded. This thread has been hugely helpful to me.

[Last Gentleman]

Thank you for this!

 

The things I saw that were concerns in our first week of dating are still there.

 

Oh well, I was educated in a way that women are to be cherished and almost sacred things, but I'm often frustrated with their behaviors, because I expect people to have the same

mindset and treat me with respect, so I try to spread what I think is lacking in relationships nowadays. I'm a gentleman after all !

 

This last phrase you said is also something I can never understand, people don't change, repeat it 50 times, people don't change ! Especially if you try to push them to do it they will

resist, it's a human reaction, but still most people expect the other to figure out things and change magically. You can only encourage someone and be clear about your boundaries,

so they know if they transgress your boundaries, you will warn them first and then walk away. If you really matter to them, that's the only way people will improve !

[Starlight925]

Oh well, I was educated in a way that women are to be cherished and almost sacred things, but I'm often frustrated with their behaviors, because I expect people to have the same

mindset and treat me with respect, so I try to spread what I think is lacking in relationships nowadays.

 

This last phrase you said is also something I can never understand, people don't change, repeat it 50 times, people don't change ! Especially if you try to push them to do it they will

resist, it's a human reaction, but still most people expect the other to figure out things and change magically. You can only encourage someone and be clear about your boundaries,

so they know if they transgress your boundaries, you will warn them first and then walk away. If you really matter to them, that's the only way people will improve !

 

This is so true.

 

When we look back on our relationships, I bet you're right, in that 80% of the time, the things that ended up breaking us up were present in the first few weeks. I know they were in my last relationship.

 

In my last relationship, within 3 weeks, I found out:

--He had cheated on his wife (the mother of his kids) with her best friend, for 4 years, yet he never felt any remorse or guilt, as she "deserved" it, and the woman "seduced" him, so he felt it was on her, not him.

--He had a slew of ex-girlfriends on call and at the ready, and communicated with them via text, social media, etc., and he had a ton of stuff from ex-girlfriends still at his house, including large pieces of furniture!

--He was on at least 5 dating sites, even after declaring exclusivity (very early), which continued for 3 months, until I threatened to break up over it, yet he told me he had deleted his profiles.

--Lied to me about several things....yes, I found this out early on.

 

So, why did I put up with all the above? Because for each thing, he talked me into his excuse, or he blatantly lied to me about things. And I, to my detriment, bought it all.

 

A year & a half later, all the same nonsense was going on, yet I continued, until I finally decided to end things. He was still texting/keeping up with all the exes (many, many, many exes), still denying any responsibility for the affair he had, and still lying to me about multiple things.

 

We broke up, 1.5 years later, over the exact same things I had issues with early on.

 

A lot of times, there aren't glaring red flags like this, but more subtle things. But there are still blinking yellow flags, yet we choose to ignore those, because we are so "in loooooove".

 

So, this is me, trying to change my destiny, going with the flow on some new guys, who haven't shown a single flag.....yet.

[Last Gentleman]

LHGirl

 

That's why we all have to conciously rationalize at times, stepping out of the feeling only mode to be able to think is this working or not and perceive red flags without the love goggles ! People think it's impossible, but I can tell you from experience after many abusive women, I managed to get there, so anyone can do it, you just have to work on it !

 

The minute the guy talked about cheating, your concious part should have rung, if he doesn't show remorse and makes excuses for it, then he can do it again, that's not someone mature !

 

And even if his ex was a master mind and awful, he should have broken up not cheated. I had bad GFS, and you know what, I allowed them to mistreat me, I have responsability in this too, there's never 100% failure on one part...

[katrina1980]

>>There's never 100% failure on one part.

______

 

Amen. As I've said often, where you have one person in the RL behaving and treating their partner poorly, there is the other person (the recipient) who is allowing it.

[Starlight925]

>>There's never 100% failure on one part.

______

 

Amen. As I've said often, where you have one person in the RL behaving and treating their partner poorly, there is the other person (the recipient) who is allowing it.

 

This times 1000.

 

I’ve never blamed my ex or felt sorry for myself. Rather, I’ve had to become very introspective and understand why I allowed it.

 

I read something the other day that I’ll misquote, but something like: When you feel anxious, angry, or insecure, ask yourself what boundaries you are allowing to be crossed.

[Last Gentleman]

This times 1000.

 

I’ve never blamed my ex or felt sorry for myself. Rather, I’ve had to become very introspective and understand why I allowed it.

 

I read something the other day that I’ll misquote, but something like: When you feel anxious, angry, or insecure, ask yourself what boundaries you are allowing to be crossed.

 

I found a great exercize to improve on this subject, every time someone angers you or you don't like a situation, take some paper and write it down. I was angry because of XXXXX who did XXXXX,

then reflect on this and you realize most of the time it's your insecurities speaking, not really the people doing something wrong, so you then write honestly what insecurity caused it.

 

Seems weird but the anger gradually disappears and you can reread these if you need in the future !

[90_hour_sleep]

I always wonder about ''chemistry''. I think it's important to really refine the definition of this term if it's one you're going to use to gauge prospects.

 

For me, chemistry is a bit like intuition. It's ease. It's flow. It's desire. It's curiosity. It's also a subtle energetic flow. Magnetic almost. Are our energies co-mingling, complementing. I tend to think of it as my own intuitive sense that a person is ''right'' for me. I developed a bad habit of gauging people almost exclusively by their ''good-on-paper'' qualities, so for me tuning into chemistry has actually been really important. Good-on-paper is great. It's a very practical way of measuring compatibility. It's an important piece of the puzzle. Can this person communicate well? Does he have relationship tools? Does she value things that I feel are important. Does she work. Can he manage his own money? Yep. All good stuff. But we can all agree that relationships have the potential to be a whole lot more. They can be inspiring...and challenging...and fun...and thrilling...and sobering...and passionate...and confusing...and frustrating...and...and...and. Chemistry is what happens when there's space for everything. When we're both open to the potential. It's like being on the same wavelength. I think it's one of the defining features for me: Chemistry isn't one-sided. If I'm not feeling it...then she's not feeling it either. And for me, this is how I discern between my feelings. Chemistry isn't rooted in the physical. It isn't lust. It isn't one-dimensional desire. It isn't checked boxes on any list.

 

Trust your gut...

 

Personally, I prefer chemistry from the get go. It's never let me down. I feel it from the start, and I keep feeling it. I always found online dating to be the worst for getting to that point though. Too much pressure. Too many people putting too much expectation into the interaction. Wasn't my cup of tea. I think it makes sense that it wouldn't be there after a first meeting...so giving it more time is probably a good idea. So different for everyone though.

 

Curious to hear how the date goes...

[katrina1980]

 

For me, chemistry is a bit like intuition. It's ease. It's flow. It's desire. It's curiosity. It's also a subtle energetic flow. Magnetic almost. Are our energies co-mingling, complementing. I tend to think of it as my own intuitive sense that a person is ''right'' for me.

 

Chemistry isn't rooted in the physical. It isn't lust. It isn't one-dimensional desire. It isn't checked boxes on any list.

 

Personally, I prefer chemistry from the get go. It's never let me down. I feel it from the start, and I keep feeling it.

 

Well said and my sentiments EXACTLY! Each and every word of it.

 

It's good to know there is another person who understands what the heck I've been talking about!

 

Most (or many) people hear "energy" and they think it's a bunch of malarkey, so thanks for posting.

[90_hour_sleep]

Well said and my sentiments EXACTLY! Each and every word of it.

 

It's good to know there is another person who understands what the heck I've been talking about!

 

Most (or many) people hear "energy" and they think it's a bunch of malarkey, so thanks for posting.

 

Ha!

 

Well...''energy'' is a pretty loaded word these days, isn't it? It can often carry certain ''new-agey'' connotations that a lot of people find unpalatable (myself included!).

 

To clarify my statement that I feel it from the start, and I keep feeling it...I'm not confusing this with always feeling good (or some iteration of ''blissfully unaware''). There's an ability and a willingness to acknowledge and embrace the natural oscillations of life and relationship. The chemical bond is helpful and at least partly responsible for allowing and accepting things that aren't always comfortable or appealing, but are also valuable aspects of relating with another human being! So maybe I'd add that to my definition of chemistry...the willingness (freely offered without agenda or coercion) to participate...something which isn't always easy to explain or rationalize but feels intuitively ''right'' for me. Important (essential really) to have a good sense of self-awareness and self-acceptance so that that intuitive sense can be harnessed. Misrepresentation of self within a relationship is painful business.

[himynameisslim]

well I only got through the first 4 pages or so since this thread is way too long so hopefully I won't sound repetitive...

 

based on what I read, you're used to having some drama in your life; some excitement so to speak. but just b/c you don't have that in this new guy doesn't mean you should just brush him off. that could be a big mistake. I mean who knows, you may not have that spark but I would at least give it a few dates then decide.

[Last Gentleman]

90_hour_sleep

 

But you still need to be realistic about the possibilities in life, in my life there is a woman that when we are together there's crazy chemistry, but I will not pursue her because her lifestyle doesn't align with

what I want in life, so without reducing people to lists of features, it's still good to remain grounded about your life goals.

 

But totally agree, chemistry isn't physical or lust, that's where a lot of people go wrong, they mistake chemistry for other things that aren't it, heck when in my LDR with a Polish woman, I thought we had crazy

chemistry, but it was the mix of romantic fog, distance making you extremely lusty for the other, but it wasn't chemistry !

[Last Gentleman]

Females treat nice guys horribly

 

Until they hit 40 and suddenly want a family then the nice guys don't look so bad anymore... but shhhh if you say it too loud you are generalizing and mysoginistic, it's becoming a trend though it seems !

[Starlight925]

Females treat nice guys horribly

 

Until they hit 40 and suddenly want a family then the nice guys don't look so bad anymore... but shhhh if you say it too loud you are generalizing and mysoginistic, it's becoming a trend though it seems !

 

OK, this thread has taken a turn I didn't intend.

 

Can the mods please close it? I believe it's run its course.

[Seraphim]

OK, this thread has taken a turn I didn't intend.

 

Can the mods please close it? I believe it's run its course.

LHGIRL , you are being targeted by the same troll continuously. He has been on the board more than a year and keeps returning with a new name every few days or even the same day. Just see what mod is up and PM them to close it.

[figureitout23]

Until they hit 40 and suddenly want a family then the nice guys don't look so bad anymore... but shhhh if you say it too loud you are generalizing and mysoginistic, it's becoming a trend though it seems !

 

Don't blame womankind for your short comings. Most men and women are in a marriage or have had a marriage or serious relationships by the time they're 40. Again, you are not our cross to bear.

 

Anyway back to the OPer I also got the impression your enthusiasm spiked when you thought he was rejecting you , it's in black and white unless you edited or deleted it, you said something along the lines of 7 pages and he didn't even call back and someone else responded saying something like maybe he sensed your lack of interest, I think you agreed then he messaged you and the change was night and day.

 

At the end of the day this is the impression I got, you can get snappy you can get defensive but I think you know based on your posts you fall for the wrong men and you aren't going to just turn that off in a matter of months, it takes a lot of work and retraining your brain, figuring out what's causing it and changing your actions. I think posting here helps a ton too because it puts things in perspective, but if youre jumping on folks for giving honest opinions you're going to miss out on making that huge change in my humble opinion.

 

I'm glad he messaged back and I hope you two have a great second date.

[Starlight925]

There's a 2nd guy now, who messaged me and we spoke on the phone for an hour the other night. I have similar feelings about him, in that I believe he checks all the boxes "on paper", but not sure there will be a romantic connection. He's kind, polite, and attractive (photos at least). We are meeting after work next week.

[Starlight925]

deleted, duplicate post

[mustlovedogs]

There's a 2nd guy now, who messaged me and we spoke on the phone for an hour the other night. I have similar feelings about him, in that I believe he checks all the boxes "on paper", but not sure there will be a romantic connection. He's kind, polite, and attractive (photos at least). We are meeting after work next week.

 

You need to remove these pre conceived notions about if there WILL be a connection. Just go and be open to it. In my experience, thinking he is just good on paper kills the date.

[Starlight925]

You need to remove these pre conceived notions about if there WILL be a connection. Just go and be open to it. In my experience, thinking he is just good on paper kills the date.

 

Good advice, will do!

 

Trying to focus on the positives with these guys: both guys have called/texted when they said they would, and both have been nice and respectful in their conversations. And both are attractive. So I will just go with the flow!

[katrina1980]

You need to remove these pre conceived notions about if there WILL be a connection. Just go and be open to it. In my experience, thinking he is just good on paper kills the date.

 

Agree with MLD.

 

LHGirl I posted about this earlier, you may have missed it, but that's one of the problems with OLD; people go in with all these "expectations" and pre-conceived notions that they're supposed to "connect."

 

I mean that's precisely why you're there right? To connect.

 

As such, you get all up in your head about it, placing such pressure on yourself to *connect* that you end up not connecting!

 

Had you met the same person IRL, spontaneously, where that pressure to "connect" wasn't there, you may have just connected!

 

Pretend he is just a guy you met at a party or while waiting for the train, and struck up a spontaneous casual convo with. Not to date him, just a friendly conversation to pass time.

 

Forget the idea that you're "supposed to" romantically like him and again, connect with him.

 

Stay open to any and all possibilities, with NO expectations that you have to like him or connect. Stay genuine and real.

 

I dunno perhaps that will help.

 

I will NEVER go back to OLD for this reason.

 

I much prefer meeting men spontaneously IRL and allowing things to happen naturally with no expectations or pressure to connect or anything else.

[Batya33]

I treated first meets as as much of a spontaneous meeting as possible. I had no expectations of a romantic connection -sometimes i had some but I didn't let myself go there. I didn't have the luxury of completely giving up meeting men through dating sites because I wanted a husband and baby and had limited free time.

[katrina1980]

I treated first meets as as much of a spontaneous meeting as possible. I had no expectations of a romantic connection -sometimes i had some but I didn't let myself go there. I didn't have the luxury of completely giving up meeting men through dating sites because I wanted a husband and baby and had limited free time.

 

That's smart if you can do it. For me it was tough, which is why I stopped.

 

But what about the men? Did they meet you with that same spontaneous attitude?

 

Men feel pressure and get up in their heads too, although if he's physically attracted, his little head overrides his big head, lol, in my experience anyway.

[Starlight925]

I actually think OLD is a great way to meet people I'd otherwise never have a chance to meet.

 

I've met literally hundreds of men over the years through OLD. I even married one! And I've had quite a lot of LTR's, as I've been doing OLD since 2000.

 

I've also done speed dating, singles mixers, meet ups, parties, you name it. I dated a client for a while. I met, and got engaged to, someone I met on a plane.

 

For me, chemistry is chemistry, wherever you meet them. I either look into someone's eyes and feel the desire to kiss them, or I don't.