Different Religious Beliefs

[Regularguy512]

I have been dating someone for nearly a year now. I knew she was a very serious Catholic when we met and started dating. And it was not too big of a deal for a while. She has never pushed it on me and accepts that I myself am not very religious. I have family who are Catholic and was raised around it so I am familiar with the ritual, doctrine, etc. But I am more of a Humanist or an Agnostic Theist (open to believing there is something out there, but pretty much assuming this is all there is so lets make the best of it and treat people nicely).

 

Only recently we were having some conversations that revealed to me just how serious her beliefs were. The issue had to do with gays. I will not get into the specifics. But suffice it to say, we differ on opinions.

 

I have to confess, also I have been recently thinking she might not be right for me. The religious aspect is just one part of it. I fully support anyone's right to practice their religion, but when it comes to someone who I might spend my life around, or who might help raise my kids, I am seriously, seriously starting to think we might have differences of mentality and ways of looking at the world, that are impossible to reconcile. It seemed to be okay while we were dating lightly, but I can tell she is wanting to get more serious.

 

I guess my question is...how do I explain this to her (that I think we might be too different to make this work in the long run) without making her feel bad about her religious beliefs, which in fairness to her, I have known about all along. I feel like it might already be over. I don't know if there is anything she can say to me that would make me change my mind at this point, because she definitely is not going to step back from her religious beliefs, and I would never ask that.

 

Thoughts??

[rosephase]

I think you tell her just what you said here. It's not to make her feel bad. It's to explain that you aren't compatible. That is what dating is for. It takes a couple of years to get to know someone. And as you've come to know her better you've realized that you aren't a good fit for long term partnership. Be up front and break it off as cleanly as you can.

[Regularguy512]

Thanks for your reply.

[reinventmyself]

 

I guess my question is...how do I explain this to her (that I think we might be too different to make this work in the long run) without making her feel bad about her religious beliefs, which in fairness to her, I have known about all along. Thoughts??

You tell her about your differences in such a way that there isn't a right or a wrong. .there are just too many differences.

You respect her values but they are not in alignment with yours and you don't see any compromise here, nor would you want one.

[DanZee]

Don't use religion as an excuse. Come clean about your other reservations about her and be honest. I don't see how her opinion of gays affects you one way or another.

[IAmFCA]

Have had this conversation more than once, including recently on two first meets and one of my most memorable LTRs.

 

With any range of emotion as appropriate, editing out the repetition etc:

 

I appreciate who you are, and part of what makes you who you are is your faith, your religious practices, and your ethics and values. Because I enjoy you so well, I could date you for a long time just as we are dating now, without progressing the relationship any farther. That isn't fair or respectful to you, or to me. We have different goals. This relationship doesn't meet our long term goals, not for either one of us. It will never feel good or easy to call it over -- and yet over it will be, just by becoming stagnant. I, or we, have taken this as far as I/we can go.

 

 

It feels awful. Agree to no contact for a time. Love/appreciation/attraction is only a part of what we need to build a life together. You are wise to move on.

[IAmFCA]

Don't use religion as an excuse. Come clean about your other reservations about her and be honest. I don't see how her opinion of gays affects you one way or another.

 

Disagree. Make this about yourself. It is never appropriate to criticize someone else. Only to identify ways in which we have irreconcilable differences and are therefore poorly matched for the journey of life

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening, but that's what dating is for before you get too serious. This wording sounds fine:

I think we might be too different to make this work in the long run

[hyden]

Not all Catholics have issues with LGBT folks, so while you knew she was Catholic, you discovered a deal breaker. So, there really isn't an 'in fairness to her' aspect. I am shocked that you have been with her for a year and 'only recently' her issue was revealed. I would take the approach mentioned by reinventmyself. Actually, no, I wouldn't, but you should. I would likely angle the conversation to make her look ridiculous a little bit during the conversation.

 

Good luck.

[j.man]

My fiancee is a devout Christian, though thankfully (for me) the far more liberal, "we don't even know who wrote half the Bible," goes to a church lead by a gay pastor kind. Funny enough, been raised Catholic and with the sacraments, I'm likely much more familiar with the scriptures and conventions as a now-agnostic than she'll ever be. Still, interfaith (or, in my case, only one subscribed to faith) involves navigating some potentially strong currents. They're not comfortable conversations, but they're necessary. Candidly mention where your principles may conflict and gauge how willing either of you are to bed on certain values and whether you're absolutely sure you could without harboring resentment.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely, not all Catholics have an issue with Lbgt community. My husband and son and I are devout Catholics and we have no issues.

[Snny]

I'm bisexual, conservative, and active in my Catholic parish. I had an uncle and cousin who were gay and were also devoted to the faith ("were" as in they are deceased).

 

Some people are going to have their opinion on LGBT regardless of whatever background they came from. That's their problem. Don't pin it on just Catholics or conservatives.

 

This girl has her views, and clearly your values aren't aligned with hers. It's time to look elsewhere.

[boltnrun]

Don't use religion as an excuse. Come clean about your other reservations about her and be honest. I don't see how her opinion of gays affects you one way or another.

 

We can't assume just because the OP isn't gay that he doesn't have someone close to him who is gay.

 

I've chosen to limit my contact with a coworker who had been trying to become a friend because he made an anti-gay comment to me despite knowing one of my children is gay.

 

Everyone is entitled to their beliefs; everyone is also entitled to choose whom they engage in relationships with based on their own set of criteria. If being anti-gay is a deal breaker for him, that is certainly his choice.

[Regularguy512]

Thanks for all the comments. Just for the record, I fully understand that all Catholics do not share the same attitude toward the LGBT community. In fact I have a Catholic friend who just officiated a lesbian wedding and he's very religious, so...totally get it. It's a personal issue perhaps more than a religious one. Again, thank you.

[Everlong13]

Don't use religion as an excuse. Come clean about your other reservations about her and be honest. I don't see how her opinion of gays affects you one way or another.

 

Because it shows an intolerance, lack of compassion and ignorance?

 

I think you should just explain that your values/religious beliefs (or lack of) are very different