Financial disagreements

[Baspill0]

Guys I need some help making my wife understand something.

I am currently unable to work because I am waiting for a immigration process. Because of this, my wife has to support us until I can finally work. She was well aware of this before getting maried. Since we got married, we basically have depended on her parents. They are in a very good economic situation and the have insisted in paying for our expenses until I can work. The problem is, my wife basically takes her parents help as if she was doing all the work. She is calling me cheap for being conservative with the little money I have left since I can’t work. She has over 20k in her own account which she calls it safety money. Really we don’t need her parents help because she technically can afford to take care of us until I can work, but she reached for her parents for help anyways. How can I go and make her understand, that we are supposed to be a team and that her parents help is her parents credit. They are the ones sweating blood and she is just racking money on her account while I’m the cheap guy for not buying ice cream when I have $300 bucks and can’t work until further notice. My whole family knows about the situation and they feel bad for me. They know that I bend my back everyday making sure I do things to try to keep her happy since I can’t bring money in. Not that it matters much, but to me it’s a validation that this is wrong on her. Please advise, I am really hurting.

[DanZee]

What country are you in? In the US, you could probably start your own business or work under the table, depending on your skills. There's no need to be sitting around and watching TV. That would solve this problem pretty quickly.

 

Otherwise, money is the number one reason that breaks up marriages and perhaps you should reconsider your marriage, perhaps getting out before things get worse.

 

Or you could bring your wife to Financial Peace University where the both of you could learn how to budget your money. You can find a local class here:

 

https://www.daveramsey.com/fpu?gclid=Cj0KCQiA_JTUBRD4ARIsAL7_VeV26DDCelhXptgKM9JdcbKr7jtdLOAXEprOdqpiJKWGk97D8efab0saAtchEALw_wcB .

[Hollyj]

Why aren't you working off the books? Why isn't your wife working?

[Baspill0]

I’m in the US. Starting a business is not an option and I am not going to work illegally. She does have a job at a restaurant working about 40 hours a week.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been in the US? Can you get a marriage/fiance or a work visa? What is your trade/profession? Your wife and her family are being quite generous to you supporting you and taking care of everything. Everyone is working and contributing except you. What do you do all day? Are you contributing by at least doing stuff for her or her parents? It's your job to get your money and resident status figured out.

I’m in the US. She does have a job at a restaurant working about 40 hours a week.

[Baspill0]

I am quite aware it’s my job to get my resident status figured out. I have a masters in finance, and no I can’t work at all until I get my permit. Which I have been waiting for months. I absolutely agree that her parents are being generous. I appreciate them immensely. I double check with them all the time if they need anything from me but they want nothing in return. All day I basically play nanny and i keep the house clean to make sure she comes home to a peaceful environment. I often cook breakfast for her, drive her to work, and offer ears to her. Sometimes I drive to meet her at lunch so she is not alone.

 

I experience anxiety literally everyday over not being able to work and provide. The point to argue here is, should she be entitled to feel like she is providing for us? She is just working for a month and a half the first time ever at 25 years old and she literally does not pay anything. Her parents pay for rent, bills, and give a stipend. I cannot be there for her financially now, but in all sort of means i am emotionally. But I feel now more alone than ever. I don’t think she should take credit of what her parents are doing for us. They have all the credit. With these attacks, I also don’t feel her emotionally sensitive to me and feels like I am trying so hard, and her effort in the relationship does not come directly from her.

[Wiseman2]

How did you meet? Were you already in the US? She is in fact providing for you.

should she be entitled to feel like she is providing for us?

[Baspill0]

Met in the US in college. Dated for 4 years before getting engaged. Can you explain to me how she is providing? I feel like if the scenario was flipped and my parents were paying for everything, I would not feel entitled to say that I am taking care of us and specially would not feel excempt of being there emotionally like if I was already doing enough. This is considering I married her and signed an oath to take care of her.

[itsallgrand]

I don't think you will change her thinking on this. This is someone who obviously feels entitled to her parents money - she thinks of their money as hers.

And now you are being supported by them as well. You knew that when you were planning to move, as she had not been working for a living in all the time you were dating.

 

What a mess.

[Baspill0]

For the first 4 months, we supported our expenses from our wedding money. Then for 1 month she paid for rent, and she asked for help because she saw the loss in her bank account. So, it wasn’t from the beginning. I was against her parents helping at first, knowing that she had money saved. But I obviously felt bad for her having to spend all of her personal money in supporting us when her parents offered help, and cost them nothing (because of how well they are).

 

I don’t know what to do at this point. Basically spent the night away at my moms and cannot find a way to explain how alone I feel.

[boltnrun]

What arrangements did the two of you decide on before you got married?

[IAmFCA]

The issue is her judgment of you, according to her standards, and you caring about it. It will help if she learns to define generous in other ways. In marriage, we have to accept each other as they are...and ourselves.

 

She has a right to think you cheap. You have a right to be you. If she calls you cheap, give het back a funny retort. Or laugh it off. Or say, Generosity is measured in many ways beyond money.

[itsallgrand]

I thought you said she never had a job until a month and a half ago.

 

Does your mom live nearby then? Perhaps you'd consider loaning some money from your mom or elsewhere to eliminate this immediate issue. Then you can work on the more long term issues between you regarding your marriage.

[Lester]

Receiving/giving unearned income is highly addictive!

 

Unchecked for too long, it becomes the new normal.

In time, the giver/receiver both know and feel it's wrong.

 

That's when the search for excuses and scapegoats begins. *

 

Guess who that is?

 

 

* How else can a person making $30k a year take multiple overseas vacations each year? (True story - 47 now, never married or been able to stay in a relationship for more than two years. Thank her smart lawyer Dad for that! )

[mustlovedogs]

20k isn’t much. Your wife is smart to want to keep some kind of nest egg. I can’t really tell what the disagreements are. What do you do with your time? Have you considered dog walking or babysitting in your neighborhood? Tutoring? Those are cash based businesses.

[IAmFCA]

I don't hear money being the issue, exactly. I hear them judging each other harshly. That pattern will continue and will corrode their connection until nothing is left.

 

There will always be issues. Right now, her parents are supporting both of them. If she is his sponsor to immigrate, then she is financially responsible for him, legally. How much longer it takes to get a permit? I have no idea. For now, the money is handled.

 

But the sniping? That has to stop.

 

No matter the source of the money, two people treat each other the same. Money does not buya privilege.

 

I am reminded that it is not our business what other people think of us. Oddly, that applies in marriage, too (and other relationships).

 

Shut down the sniping with meaningful humor.

[BecxyRex]

I was in the same sitatuion as you. I immigrated to the US based on a marriage visa and you indeed are not allowed to work, until you receive your legal permanent residence. That process can sometimes take many months. My then husband had to support the both of us, and he knew this before we made the decision. I would've done the same for him in return. I was lucky that I got to work at my university during this process, as it wasn't considered a "real job", yet I made a little bit of income to at least provide groceries or my half for night outs. I also got a little bit of financial support from my parents to take some of the burden off. I understand how you feel helpless right now, but I can also see the toll it takes on her, as it was similar with my then husband. He never complained, but he was drained at the time. We were both very young as well. While making these plans sounds good initially, when reality hits, it can be quite exhausting.

 

I'd suggest trying to find ways to make a bit of cash, like someone else suggested. It'll show her that you're not just sitting around taking the support from her and her parents. I'd also talk to her again about what you had agreed upon in the beginning to get back on the same page. I agree, once you're married you're there through the thick and thin, but it helps to give room for complaints and just listen to her. She might just need to vent. If she's that overwhelmed, she might not be the right partner, since she knew what she was getting into.

[abitbroken]

Can you get a job back in your home country -- ie, something doing consulting where you would work over Skype and email? Something part time just to bring in some income? Why did you not discuss money before you married? Why didn't you come to the states with savings of your own knowing this situation would be the case? Even if it delayed the wedding a bit?

[boltnrun]

What agreement did you two have in place before you got married about handling financials?

[Hollyj]

For the first 4 months, we supported our expenses from our wedding money. Then for 1 month she paid for rent, and she asked for help because she saw the loss in her bank account. So, it wasn’t from the beginning. I was against her parents helping at first, knowing that she had money saved. But I obviously felt bad for her having to spend all of her personal money in supporting us when her parents offered help, and cost them nothing (because of how well they are).

 

I don’t know what to do at this point. Basically spent the night away at my moms and cannot find a way to explain how alone I feel.

 

You should be working illegally like MANY other others do!! Do something!!!!!!!

[abitbroken]

I am totally against anyone working illegally beyond just occasional types of things a teenager might do like babysitting. I do think that some bartering is totally fair and legal -- for example, could you help a neighbor teach their kid good spending habits or help them file their taxes if you were in finance and understand the US forms in exchange for a service you would normally pay money for -- ie, food from their garden, if they are a car detailer - washing your cars, if they are an electrician, fixing something in the house, for example?

 

I also think that if you are here on the merit of being your wife's husband (or if you were on the merit of being someone's other relative) that yes, she is responsible for you until everything is cleared up. I really think that you need to just bite the bullet and have a conversation with your wife - maybe even in front of a relationship counselor - about finances. Finances are one of the top three reasons people divorce - and she is not 'hearing" you.

 

Can you have a bank account? if you can, maybe i would suggest that she put the income less her pocket money (incidentals, gas, etc.) into an account that you have some control or equal control over and since you are in finance, you are in charge of paying the bills. That means her paycheck - and you stretch things by waiting for sales, bartering, cutting coupons etc to make the money from her income stretch the farthest. And if she wants to get money from her family - okay fine, but that money ONLY goes to her incidentals and not to household finances. Live off of her income and if she wants to get her nails done or have a personal bill like a phone above and beyond what her income provides, you have no control over what she accepts from her parents, but refused to live off of it. If you were in charge of the bills, it would make you feel like this is more equitable and you are not just sitting around doing nothing.

 

In the meantime, can you take classes that will help certify you to work in finance in your new country?

 

Also, as far as your status -- are you forbidden from getting a job or are you forbidden from making any money period -- ie, if you were handy, could you buy bikes at yard sales, fix them up like new and sell them? just as a one at a time thing?