What have I done? Devastation

[mrpinker]

This year will be 10 years of marriage to my wife. I fear it's over. I had an emotional affair that is continuing, and I just can't stop. I never intended to leave my wife, just was having fun. My wife is the greatest person on earth, I don't know why I can't stop lying to her about the other woman!

 

It has broke her down repeatedly, because I've told her I've stopped, so we have time to heal. But in the healing process, I'm in a separate bedroom and still can't cut off communication with the other woman, because of loneliness. She keeps seeing my texts. What is wrong with me? How could I do this to my wife? Maybe I don't love her? We have the most amazing young boys, but I feel like I have destructed this family and destroyed her.

 

I already went through a month long healing process with her, because I told her I choose her and my kids, but I STILL lied to her that I was communicating with the other woman! I can't help myself and it's broken my wife's heart beyond repair, caused her to fall out of love with me.

 

So now I'm almost forced to picture my future with the other woman, who quite frankly...I don't think is wife material. Uggg, what I have done. I'm not emotionally prepared to go through a divorce, and not see my kids everyday...but all my wife sees in me now is pain and there is no way we can continue. Did this happen for a reason? Maybe I was subconsciously unhappy in the marriage? I don't see a reason for me to have been unhappy, I had everything, my wife is loyal, treated me very well, wonderful sex life, wonderful house and kids. I think I just got bored...so sad.

[mustlovedogs]

You can help yourself. You choose this. You choose to lie and cheat. Where’s the responsibility for your actions?

[Seraphim]

Well ,the way life goes if you choose the behaviour you choose the consequences .

[thealchemist]

Well there had to be something missing from your relationship if you seek outside relations.

 

Or you could just be a person unable to have a long term relationship. But if you have been married for 10 years I doubt that, unless this has happened many times.

 

But something missing or not doesn't justify cheating. You seem to grasp that though so no point beating that horse.

 

So this was a totally non physical affair?

 

Well sh*t or get off the pot. Pretty simple.

 

You need to decide what to do. Then you need to summon a spine from somewhere and end it with this other woman, but that is just my opinion.

 

But honestly, either way, dump the other girl regardless. Even if you do get divorced.

 

And don't try to work on it with your wife if you aren't going to put 100% into it.

 

Even if she has done things to push you to do this, now that you have royally #ucked up you need to be the one busting your a$$ to prove yourself to her.

 

Fix the issue you two have starting on your end. Hope she reciprocates, but if she doesn't you don't have much of a leg to stand on.

[melancholy123]

You choose the behaviour you choose the consequences. You appear to want to understand why you have done what you have so get yourself some counselling to root out the cause. It may not save your marriage to do that but it should help you to understand your bad choices.

[yatsue]

So now I'm almost forced to picture my future with the other woman, who quite frankly...I don't think is wife material.

 

Unfortunately, you are not husband material either. Any person who cannot commit to the one thing marriage is for (monogamy) is not marrying material.

 

You said you got bored and were lonely, why is that so?

 

Don't mistake the fact this is all your undoing, although you did this for your own reasons; your wife is not to blame to reiterate. You have poor communication in addressing any potential problems, but perhaps in the future it can be worked on if you become better at recognizing your faults and amending them in healthy ways. I am tempted to guess your wife will hand you divorce papers soon, so I would improve for your own sake if you want someone who is monogamous.

[ThatwasThen]

Why don't you and your wife go to marriage counseling and try, with the help of a professional, to get your emotional connection back and your marriage on track?

 

You two trying to fix this by yourselves isn't working. Hopefully it's not too late to save your marriage and keep your family together.

[Usa1ah]

This year will be 10 years of marriage to my wife. I fear it's over. I had an emotional affair that is continuing, and I just can't stop. I never intended to leave my wife, just was having fun. My wife is the greatest person on earth, I don't know why I can't stop lying to her about the other woman!

 

It has broke her down repeatedly, because I've told her I've stopped, so we have time to heal. But in the healing process, I'm in a separate bedroom and still can't cut off communication with the other woman, because of loneliness. She keeps seeing my texts. What is wrong with me? How could I do this to my wife? Maybe I don't love her? We have the most amazing young boys, but I feel like I have destructed this family and destroyed her.

 

I already went through a month long healing process with her, because I told her I choose her and my kids, but I STILL lied to her that I was communicating with the other woman! I can't help myself and it's broken my wife's heart beyond repair, caused her to fall out of love with me.

 

So now I'm almost forced to picture my future with the other woman, who quite frankly...I don't think is wife material. Uggg, what I have done. I'm not emotionally prepared to go through a divorce, and not see my kids everyday...but all my wife sees in me now is pain and there is no way we can continue. Did this happen for a reason? Maybe I was subconsciously unhappy in the marriage? I don't see a reason for me to have been unhappy, I had everything, my wife is loyal, treated me very well, wonderful sex life, wonderful house and kids. I think I just got bored...so sad.

 

If happened because you chose to do so. You didn’t stop because you might have a weak character, no resolve to do the right thing. You got into this mess because of poor boundaries. You have to change who you are to fix your problems. I suggest seeing a counselor and talking it out with them. You will always get bored when one or both stop trying to make it.

[Careerchoice]

I will dissent from the chorus because I understand that your lack of interest in your wife and new found interest in this other woman aren't choices; they are results. No amount of trying to convince yourself is going to spark the fire with your wife again. You are fighting fate by staying with her. Something is missing in your current relationship. It's not like you've been dating for a few months. This doesn't work for you any longer.

 

You have only so much time on this earth. You are wasting it by trying to force it with someone you are no longer into.

[Bru]

If you do not love someone anymore you simply leave, but you do not ever cheat it is totally wrong , hurtful and most of all destructive to the one you are cheating on. Choose wisely but do'nt continue hurting your wife.

[Unreasonable]

So, people who cheat usually have some justification in their minds as to why they are doing it. What's yours? You mention loneliness. How is that being manifested?

 

If it is coming from your wife? If so, did it start occurring before your emotional affair, or is it a result of your emotional affair (the rightful result of being cheated on)?

 

Look, I don't really buy that you "can't stop", but if you truly believe you cannot, block this woman by every means possible and then go see a therapist to get to the root of this "addiction."

 

This type of cheating can't help but feed into the "grass is greener" mindset, even if you consciously know it won't be better. As others have said, I think it is likelier that YOU are not marriage material, more than your wife.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, now you'll be in the bathroom texting your divorce attorney about how you are going to lose your kids, house and shirt. You haven't even begun to know what real loneliness is.

I'm in a separate bedroom and still can't cut off communication with the other woman, because of loneliness.

[Careerchoice]

I don't understand where all the vitriolic statements are coming from. What if OP just said "I believe I've fallen out of love with my wife, but I don't yet have the strength to end it." Falling in or out of love isn't a choice. OP will eventually leave his wife once he's come to terms with the fact that it's over. It's not like a switch you can turn on and off. It's a process. And he hasn't done anything physical with this woman either. So this lunch mob treatment is unwarranted.

[ThatwasThen]

I think telling him that his marriage is over is also "unwarranted." We are human and we as humans do NOT stop finding others attractive just because we are in a relationship. It's quite possible to love more then one person at a time and unfortunately, the Op didn't adhere to good romantic relationship boundaries and became vulnerable to another pretty face.

 

Marriage therapy will help him to understand what he must do to keep himself from allowing this kind of thing from happening again. Her knowing he has these tools will help her to learn to trust again. Marriage counseling will help them to get back a romantic emotional bond that wasn't being nurtured.

 

Op: You should start with personal counselling to help you figure out why you are addicted to someone who clearly knows you're married but is continuing on in this fairy tale farce you two have going on. A dead end if ever there was one.

[ShatteredMan]

It's funny how many stories we see out here about how someone emotionally cheated on them and then they left. Now we're seeing it from someone who's actually doing it to someone else that they're married to.

 

The OP may have gotten more sympathetic replies if had chosen to words that alluded to the fact that he doesn't love or respect his wife anymore but now realizes where this is all leading to....

 

I think we're all in agreement that he should have cut the cord with his new interest before it became something that it shouldn't have.

 

Should he get counseling? For what its worth in how he deals with future relationships and to identify what drove him to make the decisions that he has, sure. Go for it.

 

However, I'm with Wiseman on this one.

[mrpinker]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have an update. I have cut it off cold with the other woman, and am addressing why I let it continue. I love my wife and kids, and it's embarrassing how shameful this is, to hurt everyone around me.

 

I'm taking multiple steps for healing my narcissistic tendencies -- making better connections with my family and seeing a therapist just to start. I was able to ignore everyones feelings so easily, and it's scary.

 

I would like my wife's heart to heal, but she is so hurt and traumatized, I'm really worried about her. We have a house and kids, and current arrangements are super awkward because we can't afford to live separately right now.

 

I understand that my actions have changed her perspective of me....all this has been eye opening to what I'm capable of and it's going to take drastic changes on my part, down to the core...which I can do...otherwise I can't live with myself knowing I can hurt her so bad. If my wife needs to move on, I understand....I'm not the best thing for her to heal right now and I'll have to take responsibilities for my actions.

[Betterwithout]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I have an update. I have cut it off cold with the other woman, and am addressing why I let it continue. I love my wife and kids, and it's embarrassing how shameful this is, to hurt everyone around me.

 

I'm taking multiple steps for healing my narcissistic tendencies -- making better connections with my family and seeing a therapist just to start. I was able to ignore everyones feelings so easily, and it's scary.

 

I would like my wife's heart to heal, but she is so hurt and traumatized, I'm really worried about her. We have a house and kids, and current arrangements are super awkward because we can't afford to live separately right now.

 

I understand that my actions have changed her perspective of me....all this has been eye opening to what I'm capable of and it's going to take drastic changes on my part, down to the core...which I can do...otherwise I can't live with myself knowing I can hurt her so bad. If my wife needs to move on, I understand....I'm not the best thing for her to heal right now and I'll have to take responsibilities for my actions.

 

Glad to hear you have found a therapist. If that therapist isn't a good fit, try another. Also consider marriage therapy for both of you to attend. You have severely damaged your relationship and betrayed her trust, but with very hard work from both of you, it can be repaired.

[Wiseman2]

Haven't you promised all this to her before? You really don't seem concerned about her. It seems that the prospect of living in a weekly rate motel working 2 jobs while you pay the mortgage and child support has you terrified because you know her lawyer can make that happen.

We have a house and kids, and current arrangements are super awkward because we can't afford to live separately right now.