I lied to my boyfriend. Now we're 'recovering' I'd just like some advice ?

[Dvand123]

First of all, I would just like to say thanks for taking your time to read and answer. I will keep everything simple and straight to the point.

 

Last month I LIED to my boyfriend. It wasn't a huge lie. It has nothing to do with an infedilty, stealing or anything severe. Just a simple...'exaggeration' if you would. My boyfriend went on holiday and whilst he was there I fell ill. I was sent into hospital for 3 nights but came home after the third day and was told to rest. I was messaging him basically saying, I'm not well, been in hospital for 2 days and I feel absolutely AWFUL, my body is killing and I can't do much.

 

The point is, I lied about how I TRULY felt. Yes I did leave hospital and I did feel sick, and was on heavy medication but I was capable of looking after myself just as long as I took it easy. I know!!!! I shouldn't have lied, and I'm selfish and extremely guilty. Please!!! I've made myself sick over it. My boyfriend is on the phone almost 7000 miles away saying he's coming home and he needs to be with me, I said no. Please don't I'll be okay. Again he wasn't listening to any of it and was panicking and basically booked a flight about 3 days after I told him. I felt absolutely AWFUL. I had lied to my boyfriend about my current state and he was coming home....all on the pretence of a lie. Typing this out makes me feel nothing but guilt, shame and complete embarassment. Please do not judge me.

 

Whilst he was on his way home I was at home resting and because I was heavily medicated I was out of it. All I could do was sleep and sometimes eat. Yes I was sick but not sick enough for someone to cut their holiday 9 days short just to be by my side. My boyfriend got in touch with his mother and told her to check on me until he got home. I missed a couple of her calls as I didn't bother much with my phone and was asleep about 90% of the time. I even missed my boyfriend's call when he had arrived back home! When he did arrive back home he picked me up and took me back to his place. He said he would look after me until I felt well enough(we don't live together yet.)

 

Fast forward now. My boyfriend came to the realisation that I exaggerated my state and he stated how he and his family felt let down by me and how I've upset them by just not being honest. And although he wasn't happy and we 'separated' temporary for 3 weeks. I decided I HAD to do something. I called my boyfriend and agreed to have a talk with him in person. He come to get me and whilst we were out I confessed how truly and utterly sorry I am. How I had lied and I had no reason to, and that I appreciate everything he has ever done for me. And how I'd do anything to prove just how sorry and remorseful I am. I even said to him,I would like to see your family especially your mother and give them an apology. He seemed extremely happy by this and said he automatically felt better.

 

This was almost two weeks ago. In this space of time, I've apologised multiple times to him. He even called me up at the beginning of this week for a "date" we ended the night by booking a hotel. Even though our date went amazingly well, just like old times. I still felt like I had to address the issue once and for all, explain to him how sorry I am and how I'd do anything for a second chance. Again he said he was more than happy that I recognised my faults and that I was willing to apologise to his family too. He did say during our date the other night that "this is going to be like the first date all over again" and "let's take it slow" which I am more than happy to do. I am thankful that he's even considering working on things so I've decided not to rush anything.

 

HOWEVER, my biggest fear is that during this "taking it slow" phase him and I take it too slow and fall out of love? I love this man more than life itself and he not only tells me he loves me, his actions whilst I was sick spoke volumes too! I know this man loves me; and if it really is true love between us then I have nothing to worry about. Him and I message each other daily and things seem like they're slowly getting there. I messaged him yesterday basically saying "I know we are taking it slow and I completely respect that. However I am scared you will turn around and say you can no longer do this." To which he replied: "please stop being so negative. I am genuinely trying to work on this and don't need to hear negative things like that." He told me repeatedly whilst we stopped speaking how he "misses me terribly" and "hates not speaking to me"

 

Again I was happy with his response and respect his choice decision. All of this has happened within the space of a month, so our breakup is still quite "fresh" it wasn't even an official break up. Just us two not seeing another and hardly even speaking. Now, after we have discussed things. We've been on a date and things are looking better.

 

My question is, do you think going slow is a good thing? I'm more than happy to as long as I know at the end I'll be guaranteed to have him back. Also my boyfriend hasn't mentioned his parents? I would like to see them to apologise. He hasn't brought them up? Do you think our relationship is fixable? I do. But I would just like some insights from others.

 

I apologise for the length of this. I just wanted everyone to be well up to date with our situation so I could get some honest advice.

 

Thank you very much.

[indea08]

You've got to forgive yourself. It seems your boyfriend has. You keep apologizing and professing how sorry you are to him, and every time you do that, you're dragging him back through the situation and all his emotions about it. You're also continuously putting him in a position to have to ease YOUR insecurities (when you say youre afraid youll fall out of love from moving too slow). What youre actually doing is pressuring him to move faster to make you feel better. Thats not fair. You should be easing HIS insecurities and allowing him the time he needs to get over the situatuon, without pressure from you.

 

Regarding his family, it's your responsibility to apologize to them. It is not his responsibility to facilitate that. You need to take the initiative and either approach them yourself, or tell your boyfriend you want to go see them on XYZ date to apologize and have him ask them if they're available. Be proactive in that, based on your boyfriends response to this offer, he will greatly appreciate it, and probably needs it to happen to move forward with you.

 

We've all said and done stupid things that we regret. We learn from it and move on, that's part of being human. If you can just get a grip on your insecurities and be patient, you guys will be just fine.

[rosephase]

I don't understand this situation. Where did you lie? You were really sick. You told him not to come home. He chose to come anyway. And then he dumped you because you weren't sick enough? I don't understand. Did you say you were bleeding from your eye balls and were going to die? Where did this relationship ending lie happen?

 

I would be nervous about the relationship too. His reaction seems way out of line. If I was in your shoes I would be worried that I was going to get dumped for some minor infraction in the future. Am I missing something? What on earth did you say that justifies his action?

[Hollyj]

Oh my gosh, give yourself a break! Damn. It is serious that you were in the hospital for three days. I don't understand what you lied about?

 

Where was your family in all of this? You should not have been left alone?

 

You have apologized enough. You really need to move forward.

[Hollyj]

I don't understand this situation. Where did you lie? You were really sick. You told him not to come home. He chose to come anyway. And then he dumped you because you weren't sick enough? I don't understand. Did you say you were bleeding from your eye balls and were going to die? Where did this relationship ending lie happen?

 

I would be nervous about the relationship too. His reaction seems way out of line. If I was in your shoes I would be worried that I was going to get dumped for some minor infraction in the future. Am I missing something? What on earth did you say that justifies his action?

 

I agree with the second paragraph.

[DaisyMayPorter]

Him and his family "felt let down" by you? Really? Why? What did you do wrong? I'm just not seeing it.

[JaggerJim]

Because she over-exaggerates. Maybe it's a pattern and not the first time she's done this.

[MissCanuck]

What exactly did you tell your boyfriend about your health status?

 

Have you been known to exaggerate before?

 

I'm trying to connect the dots between this episode and him doubting your relationship.

[yatsue]

I don't understand this situation. Where did you lie? You were really sick. You told him not to come home. He chose to come anyway. And then he dumped you because you weren't sick enough? I don't understand. Did you say you were bleeding from your eye balls and were going to die? Where did this relationship ending lie happen?

 

I would be nervous about the relationship too. His reaction seems way out of line. If I was in your shoes I would be worried that I was going to get dumped for some minor infraction in the future. Am I missing something? What on earth did you say that justifies his action?

 

Same here. I'm glad I'm not the only one confused here as I kept re-reading and getting more confused. What did you say EXACTLY to him about your condition after the hospital? Yes, you were sick. Yes, medications can make you feel awful, drained, and ironically could make you feel more lax to "exaggerate". Did you ever consider your medicated condition possibly led you to be more lax with your words?

 

If all you said was that you felt awful after your hospital stay and didn't say anything else (aka my eyes are bleeding fibs lol), then I see your boyfriend and his family as the problem, not you.

[Dvand123]

I lied about my situation. Made myself sound more sick than I actually was. Told him I couldn't even get out of bed when in actuality I could and how I needed him asap....when in reality I could actually manage

[yatsue]

I lied about my situation. Made myself sound more sick than I actually was. Told him I couldn't even get out of bed when in actuality I could and how I needed him asap....when in reality I could actually manage

 

You said yourself you were on HEAVY medication and told him not to come, but he came on his own volition. You did exaggerate a little (I'm positive the drugs are the cause), although I can't blame you one bit! You went through a lot hun and it's bound to take a toll, even when you think you're ok.

 

What I'm saying is, you were in serious condition if you were in the hospital (I am surprised he didn't come then) and are still recovering, believe it or not. Hence, him and his family should not be so critical of you in such a state. Shame on them. They should apologize to you for not being more accepting and understanding of recovering after hospital.

 

Regardless, even if it turned out you are fine and he was on vacation, why wouldn't he want to visit you after hearing you were in the hospital??? Cold much?!?!

[rosephase]

I lied about my situation. Made myself sound more sick than I actually was. Told him I couldn't even get out of bed when in actuality I could and how I needed him asap....when in reality I could actually manage

 

You also told him not to come. Again, I'm not seeing a relationship ending LIE anywhere. I'm seeing a person who was quite ill and had been hospitalized and a partner who dumped you for not being sick enough after he chose to end his vacation early when you told him not too. I mean, did you go out dancing when he came back or something? I wouldn't trust getting back together with someone who is so quick to dump you.

[Hollyj]

I lied about my situation. Made myself sound more sick than I actually was. Told him I couldn't even get out of bed when in actuality I could and how I needed him asap....when in reality I could actually manage

 

Where was your family in this?

 

You had just been released from this hospital. You should not have been left alone. Not matter who it was.

 

I don't understand him ending things for that period. I agree with Rose. This is a red flag.

[boltnrun]

Why did you tell him you were sicker than you actually were? Did you want him to cut his trip short and come home even though you told him you didn't? Were you feeling left out because he went on a trip without you?

 

How sick did you tell him you were? From what you're telling us, you only exaggerated a little. Did you actually exaggerate a lot?

 

I don't know what your illness was, but I have been hospitalized several times (once for 11 straight days for what ended up being a potentially life-threatening condition) and I still didn't need anyone to sit with me. Maybe your illness was more serious?

[katrina1980]

I lied about my situation. Made myself sound more sick than I actually was. Told him I couldn't even get out of bed when in actuality I could and how I needed him asap....when in reality I could actually manage

 

When and how did your BF come to the realization that you weren't as sick as you originally claimed you were?

 

OP, the level of guilt you're feeling over this is out of proportion to the facts as presented.

 

Were you sick at all?

 

Sorry, I'm doubting everything now, somethings sounds very off.

[Annia]

I don't understand this situation. Where did you lie? You were really sick. You told him not to come home. He chose to come anyway. And then he dumped you because you weren't sick enough? I don't understand. Did you say you were bleeding from your eye balls and were going to die? Where did this relationship ending lie happen?

 

I would be nervous about the relationship too. His reaction seems way out of line. If I was in your shoes I would be worried that I was going to get dumped for some minor infraction in the future. Am I missing something? What on earth did you say that justifies his action?

 

I also don't understand where is the lie. You were actually sick and in the hospital and it was his decision to cut his vacation short though you said not to. Forgive yourself and relax because int his instance I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

[Annia]

I lied about my situation. Made myself sound more sick than I actually was. Told him I couldn't even get out of bed when in actuality I could and how I needed him asap....when in reality I could actually manage

 

Where is/was your family in all of this?

 

And what does his family have to do with all this and why would they be disappointed?

[Annia]

You also told him not to come. Again, I'm not seeing a relationship ending LIE anywhere. I'm seeing a person who was quite ill and had been hospitalized and a partner who dumped you for not being sick enough after he chose to end his vacation early when you told him not too. I mean, did you go out dancing when he came back or something? I wouldn't trust getting back together with someone who is so quick to dump you.

 

This... I don't get why he's so mad and why you're feeling so guilty.

 

At first I thought you'd made up a big lie like having a terminal diagnosis or something like that... but you just told him how you felt. You were in the hospital for god sake and under strong medication... maybe you exagerated a bit but you were actually sick... it just seems to me that he was trying to find an excuse to break up if that's the reason he broke up with you. I also don't understand why him and his family are trying to manipulate you into feeling guilty of something you're not guilty of. He returned from his trip by his own decision. It's not fair to throw it in your face now. It's actually manipulative to guilt trip you for a decision HE MADE after you telling him not to.

 

He seems to be the problem here and not you in this particular instance.

[1Love1]

She did lie though. She admitted that she was fully capable of taking care of herself, but told him otherwise. That's a lie. And he didn't listen to her when she told him not to come home because he was under the impression that she was in such a state that he really was needed by her. It wasn't a matter of "he chose to even though you told him not to so that's on him". He came home because of the belief that she was being truthful and found out she wasn't, which cost him the last 9 days of his holiday. If he truly knew that she was okay and just needed some rest and some medication, his actions probably would have been different (which wouldn't have been cold on his part either, because being in a relationship doesn't render you no longer able to care for yourself the way you would if you were single). Yes it's nice and courteous for a partner to drop what they're doing to come take care of you, but it shouldn't be expected if the person is okay and can take care of themselves. If I could take care of myself while recovering from an illness, I wouldn't call my husband and make him stay home to take care of me.. He would anyway, but I would never just expect it from him

[MissCanuck]

OP, what's your relationship been like up to this point?

[catfeeder]

I don't understand why you've done yourself the disservice of calling your illness a lie if you were sick enough to be hospitalized. This makes no sense.

 

And whOt...you're not allowed to have healed a great deal within a few days?

 

My neighbor called me from her porch when she had the flu because she had fallen. She had taken Tylenol with Codeine and was disoriented. The ambulance took her to the ER for IV fluids, but they were so overwhelmed with flu patients they returned her before morning. When I stopped in during lunch to bring her prescriptions to the pharmacy, she sounded coherent and like herself again. That 180 turnaround happened within HOURS, but it doesn't mean that her condition had not been severe hours ago.

 

So I don't understand the additional drama around this. Sick people are in no condition to diagnose themselves.

[yatsue]

She did lie though. She admitted that she was fully capable of taking care of herself, but told him otherwise. That's a lie.

 

Haah, look, she was on heavy drugs while making those statements. Not to be insulting in any way, but I don't think you know what that means. She said she needed him ASAP and was feeling awful while essentially inebriated, although her condition was stable enough to manage on her own.

 

I remember when I got my wisdom teeth out, I was under heavy medication as well (idk what she was on but strong medication does alter your state of mind). I was talking pure nonsense on that medication. Really weird stuff, I'll tell you. I exaggerated SO MUCH it was hilarious to my family around me, and my friend was also there with me under the same medication. Our conversation together got more weird. The OP sounds like she handled it better than we did, regardless her mind was also significantly affected and it would be naive/nonsensical to take someone on heavy drugs so seriously. Then to have the unfortunate person essentially "pay" for those comments made under the influence is wrong on so many levels.

 

In addition, it is cold for a partner to not visit after hearing their partner is in the hospital; normally it shows you care and are concerned. No one knows what the OP went through, however hospitals don't take in people for three days over something minor that's for sure. Your partner shouldn't feel a need to take care of you, more so they should feel the need to be physically there for you emotionally while your state of health is at risk. That is the usual response people have anyway, concerning close family, a SO, or even a friend. You bet I'll be there if I love that person, and I have time and again.