I feel like I’m second best - he’s been telling his ex he loves her

[MissCanuck]

OP, you're focusing on the wrong issue. It's not really about whether or he is lying about this or that, at the end of the day.

 

He wants to be with ex and he's still in love with her. Not with you. He's about as far away from "all in" as you can get.

[yatsue]

he told her that he misses her every day, he can’t move on and he loves her with every beat of his heart and always will. He called her princess (which he had been calling me for a while) and signed off by saying he loves her very much (which is how he usually tells me he loves me). It turns out this wasn’t his first message to her. There seemed to be quite a few messages to her but I only read the ones that were during our relationship

 

This is what I call an insta-dealbreaker. What he says in response is just damage control.

 

he then feels incredibly guilty for being the cause of their breakup (he’d been texting an ex - surprise surprise. So she dumped him).

 

And this is where we all tell you that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.

[SarahP]

RainyCoast, what I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of is whether he ACTUALLY DOES love her. He swears blind he doesn’t and it was a result of extreme drunkenness and being an idiot. Obviously I can’t just take his word for it but I’ve said similar things in the past to exes after a break up and not meant it - I was just sad and hoping to speak to them. Afterwards I felt pathetic and ridiculous. My ex is currently doing exactly that to me - confessing his love when I’m 100% sure he doesn’t love me in the slightest. He just feels sorry for himself when something reminds him of me.

 

We’ve already agreed that if I decide that I can’t trust him again then there’s no option other than to end it as I don’t want any more of my time wasted. He’s quite happy to be alone as he’s been alone most of his life so I know he’s not staying with me just because it’s easier. I know he’s not hanging around for sex as a few people on here have suggested and he’s not broke (he has a job and Home - he’s not scrounging off me). He’s also working all the hours he can plus his days off to pay me back the few hundred pounds he owes me so I know he’s intending to pay me back regardless of whether we stay together or not.

 

I don’t make any excuses for his behaviour when I’m with him. I’ve gone over the details repeatedly with him and have given him some serious earache about how he made me feel. He’s under no illusions that he will get off from this lightly. He also knows that there will be zero chance of me lending him anymore money.

 

Pretty much all the psychology I’ve read advises that still loving an ex is pretty common, especially in men. But I don’t intend to just let him use this as an excuse.

I feel a little bit of a hypocrite as I still have feelings for someone that I used to be with - but the difference is that I haven’t been texting that person telling them about my feelings for them.

[boltnrun]

Since you're coming up with one excuse after another to stay with him and make him sound like a heck of a wonderful guy...what exactly is the problem?

[Batya33]

Please move on and find someone worthy of you who has character and integrity. He does not. He’s bad news as my mother would say. Reading this made me cringe. I can only imagine.

[RainyCoast]

One can be cognizant of common psychological failings without resigning oneself to them or equating them with helpful, healthy, or desirable, but if "common" translates as something you are willing to entertain, then no, there shouldn't really be room for the double standard. It sounds like you can't decide what your boundaries are. From an outside perspective it looks very much like he's pushing it, and your discomfort seems to be saying that too.

 

I think you'd do well to clear things up with youself first. One moment it bothers you how strongly he might feel about her, the next, the feelings themselves are tolerable, but that they were acted upon isn't. Of course, one could further complicate by defining what exactly "act upon" means, and whether "passive pursuit" by remaining available to an exs advances isn't also "acting on it". If you're okay with there being emotional investments elsewhere on either side, it is going to be quite messy trying to draw a line in the sand one may not "feel" past, but I would dare to say a partner professing their love and regret over not being with an ex is miles from what anyone serious about you would do.

 

Perhaps you need this to go on to find out for yourself what you're looking for. Not everyone necessarily enters relationships knowing what they want so much as they enter them to discover what it is they might want.

 

Sure would've preferred the potato alternative myself o.O.

[SarahP]

RainyCoast, I don’t think I 100% know what I want as I’ve been messed around so much in my past two relationships. They’ve been full of lies and hurt and at the beginning of this relationship I pushed him away and was very suspicious of his feelings and behaviour - that was all my fault. But I thought we’d finally got to a good place - then I saw that he’d messaged the ex.

I’ve only seen him once since I found out and the fact that he thinks I should have gotten over it by now pisses me off more than the message itself. I text him about it this morning and he told me I sound like a stuck record, going over and over the same things.

My reply was that he’s clearly not considerate of how he made me feel insecure and second best. If he can’t even be honest about his true feelings for her then we can’t move forward together. I advised him I’m fed up of having my time wasted by liars and as I can’t trust him at all then we cannot continue the relationship.

[MissCanuck]

Sure, plenty of people still love their exes. But he's still actively trying to contact her. This isn't someone who secretly pines and has accepted it's over - this a guy trying to win her back.

 

Sorry OP, but this won't end well for you. I feel badly for you, as I can see you're struggling to face the truth about him, hence why you continue to try to rationalize his bad behaviour. You're still processing all of this yourself. You would be very wise to end this before you wind up even more broken-hearted than you already are.

 

If this is a pattern for your relationships, then you very much need to take time from dating and do some self-reflection. It seems your man-picker is broken and you keep going for guys who exploit your kindness. It isn't your fault that these guys are jerks, to be perfectly clear. But you seem to overlook serious red flags (ie. a new boyfriend accepting money from you to pay down his debts, speaks poorly of his character) rather than implementing healthy boundaries and leaving when you see questionable behaviour.

[Annia]

This is what I call an insta-dealbreaker. What he says in response is just damage control.

 

 

 

And this is where we all tell you that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.

 

This.

 

There is no excuse or reasons to stay and try to make it work with someone who is pinning on their ex. There is no excuse he can give, no damage control he can try or rational explanation that can make this ok. There is nothing to save here.

 

Let him pin for his ex girlfriend alone without you as his emotional, physical and financial support. Let her deal with this mess and run away from this mess. It might seem hard now, but in time you'll thank yourself for letting this one go.

[Annia]

Who cares if he actually loves her? Sending her those texts while being with you is a lack of respect for your relationship. It doesn't matter if she's the love of his life, if he's doing this for the ego or if he actually loves you or not. Even if he loves you, he's no boyfriend material to have a stable, respectful and healthy relationship.

[Jibralta]

Who cares if he actually loves her? Sending her those texts while being with you is a lack of respect for your relationship. It doesn't matter if she's the love of his life, if he's doing this for the ego or if he actually loves you or not. Even if he loves you, he's no boyfriend material to have a stable, respectful and healthy relationship.

 

I agree. This is not a competition where he is the prize. This is wasting your time with an uncaring jerk. You should be trying to get rid of him, not keep him.

[SarahP]

Jibralta, if you read my reply above you’ll see that I have told him that as I can’t trust a word he says, we cannot continue the relationship.

He has not even bothered to read my texts or listen to the long voice recording I sent explaining why I’m ending it. He’s been out of work an hour so I know he’s had the time to read/listen to it, he just doesn’t want to.

[Jibralta]

Glad to hear it.

[MissCanuck]

Jibralta, if you read my reply above you’ll see that I have told him that as I can’t trust a word he says, we cannot continue the relationship.

He has not even bothered to read my texts or listen to the long voice recording I sent explaining why I’m ending it. He’s been out of work an hour so I know he’s had the time to read/listen to it, he just doesn’t want to.

 

Good for you, OP.

 

This guy is not worth the trouble and pain at all.