Please help me. I'm desperate

[Matbon]

Me and my gf have been going out for close to a year. I found out that before i was involved that she was messaging a taken man who was her sports coach. She flirted/sent pics/he groped her over a course of 5 months. She had an awful relationship with her ex and says she needed the easy esteem boost and knew it wasn't going to go anywhere. They never had sex.

 

When she started dating me she stopped all the flirting and only spoke to him about training. I didn't know that they had a history until 5 months after being in a relationship with her. She stopped all contact with him because she felt it was unfair to me. I found out about the whole thing g by checking her phone. When I first met her I did enquire about a history with the 2 of them and she denied it. She feels the past is the past and it isn't any of my business about the mistakes she ls made. She feels awful for the decisions she's made, but believes they have made her a better person.

 

Now I'm left angry and upset. I. Also confused if I'm building this up to be a huge betrayal when really it's not and Ibe lied and hidden things from her as well. My issues are I don't respect her flirting with and taken man and I hate the fact she carried on speaking to him even if it was on and professional level.

 

I thinking of breaking up with her. Just give me your honest feedback please.

[snkv]

Her past BEFORE you, is none of your business.

 

But if that past is somehow PRESENT in the NOW, this is a problem. Otherwise, I do not suggest on acting hurt, or you will lose her.

 

Also, never go through your SO's personal tech. Whatever you may find may only hurt the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you don't trust her even if she speaks to her coach about her training. As she mentioned, the past is in the past, but you went through her phone. Since you feel betrayed and unhappy why not consider ending it rather than creating stress for her or yourself.

Me and my gf have been going out for close to a year.

When she started dating me she stopped all the flirting and only spoke to him about training.

I found out about the whole thing by checking her phone.

[Matbon]

Can that trust not be rebuilt? Do you see what she did as relationship ending in your opinion.

[Matbon]

Do you feel she brought her past into the relationship by keeping in contact and messaging this guy?

[Wiseman2]

You can not isolate her from her coach. Unfortunately whatever flirting she did before she met you/was exclusive with you is eating at you. You can't change the past and hanging on to her to beat her up about this is pointless, since you can't let go of it. As far as trust, she may or may not forgive you for rifling through her phone in a jealous, possessive moment.

Do you feel she brought her past into the relationship by keeping in contact and messaging this guy?

[Matbon]

You can not isolate her from her coach. Unfortunately whatever flirting she did before she met you/was exclusive with you is eating at you. You can't change the past and hanging on to her to beat her up about this is pointless, since you can't let go of it. As far as trust, she may or may not forgive you for rifling through her phone in a jealous, possessive moment.

 

Even if she said they didn't have a past? She expected the same from me. Am I overreacting?

[Liraele]

Well... why'd you go through her phone?

 

That speaks of a level of insecurity/distrust right there.

 

If you're going to hold something against her that happened before you even got together, then that's up to you, but you need to let her go...but you gotta make the call: are you in or are you out? If you're out, let her go and stop beating everyone up about this. Look for someone whose morals/standards align better with your own.

 

If you're in, let it go and move forward with your lives. It's the past, and you need to let it go or you're going to destroy what you've got anyway.

[indea08]

She didn't want you to know, it does not affect your relationship, so she didn't tell you.

 

Then you snooped through her phone and found out her private information, and you want to know if YOU should break up with HER!?

 

No. She should break up with you. Mind your own business and learn to respect other people's privacy.

[DancingFool]

Yeah, she should be dumping you. Going through her phone and wow, talk about digging deep into past history..... In her shoes, you'd be soooo gone.

 

What she did and with who before dating you is absolutely none of your business. Clearly she was correct not to share that info because you don't have the emotional maturity required to handle that kind of information. In that respect, she judged you correctly and acted accordingly. The whole jealous/possessive/insecure guy snooping through your SO's phone is something you really need to work on, because those traits will wreck all your relationships.

[boltnrun]

Why did you go through her phone?

 

Does she know you went through her phone? What reason did you give her if she does know?

 

Does she go through your phone?

[brookew17]

Seems there is a lot of backlash on here about going through her phone. Honestly, I don't see going through the phone that big of deal unless there is something hide. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend went through my phone Bc there's nothing to find. But I guess some people get offended by that Bc it shows signs of distrust. I wouldn't sweat it though. I think you are overreacting a bit

[Mari]

Seems there is a lot of backlash on here about going through her phone. Honestly, I don't see going through the phone that big of deal unless there is something hide. I wouldn't care if my boyfriend went through my phone Bc there's nothing to find. But I guess some people get offended by that Bc it shows signs of distrust. I wouldn't sweat it though. I think you are overreacting a bit

 

I agree, I don't see any problem with you going through her phone. My phone is available if someone needs to go through it. I have nothing to hide and I don't have a problem with it.

 

I think it's fine if a person feels that their past is their past but to some of us the past is a measure of what can happen in the future. A smoker can get back to smoking. If this girl boosts her self esteem through married men then perhaps she will again when he breaks up with her. But none of this is a problem right now. The main problem is why did she say she wasn't with him at all and now in 5 months that's no longer true. If she didn't want to share that information she could just say she doesn't want to say on any guy. But she says she didn't and now she did.

 

Overall though I don't think this is worth breaking up over but an honest talk needs to happen as to why she needed to hide it. It may be your issue or it may be hers.

[indea08]

It's none of your business why she wanted to hide it. You found out information about her WITHOUT her consent. She doesn't have to tell you a thing, and you have no right making her feel bad for something she did BEFORE you. Continue on like this and no quality woman will ever be with you..

[Matbon]

It's none of your business why she wanted to hide it. You found out information about her WITHOUT her consent. She doesn't have to tell you a thing, and you have no right making her feel bad for something she did BEFORE you. Continue on like this and no quality woman will ever be with you..

 

Your right I shouldn't have looked but I did and now I have to deal with it. Doesn't this show a lack of morals/character that she flirted with someone who had a gf? Would you be happy if you found out your partner flirted and then carried in talking to a guy she had history with?

[boltnrun]

So what are you going to do now? Tell her you went through her phone and confront her?

[Matbon]

So what are you going to do now? Tell her you went through her phone and confront her?

 

She knows I went through her phone she knows I know everything. I've already confronted her about it. This has been going on for some time.

[MissCanuck]

What was it that led you to go through her phone in the first place, though, OP?

 

You were clearly looking for something. I am gathering you already didn't trust her even prior to this discovery, correct?

[Matbon]

What was it that led you to go through her phone in the first place, though, OP?

 

You were clearly looking for something. I am gathering you already didn't trust her even prior to this discovery, correct?

 

I have trust/jealously issues. She hadn't done anything to make me suspicious she was cheating. I know I've got issues I need to address btw. That's why I made the thread. I need help deciding if she's done something that's awful and not worth forgiving or if I'm overreacting and this is a normal mistake when your single (flirting with a taken man) or in a relationship (keeping contact with an ex flirt who you train with on a daily basis).

[Everlong13]

You need to either trust her or let her go.

[Matbon]

You need to either trust her or let her go.

 

I trust her with me. I'm just upset about the past mistakes and that she carried on talking to this guy. Do I have a right to be upset about her previous mistakes (taken man) amd still talking to this guy (who unbeknownst to me was always just a coach/friend)?

[Wiseman2]

How long do you plan on beating her up about it and being this judgmental about some stupid flirting she did before you? How is she supposed to avoid her training coach?

I've already confronted her about it. This has been going on for some time. keeping contact with an ex flirt who you train with on a daily basis

[Matbon]

How long do you plan on beating her up about it and being this judgmental about some stupid flirting she did before you? How is she supposed to avoid her training coach?

 

I'm done with being angry about it. I'm just left disappointed over the whole thing. I had this impression that she respected other people's relationships. She left her training coach and got a new one (she trains at my gym now which is where we met). It wasn't a big deal for her. She just lost contact with a few friends. I never told her to quit the old one. She felt terrible because she would of expected the same from me. The double standard is what annoys me.

[boltnrun]

How long ago did she stop contact with this training coach?

[Matbon]

How long ago did she She stopped flirting with him end of may and started dating me in June. She spoke to him after may about training only.

 

She stopped flirting with him end of may, but continued to talk to him about training. We started dating in June. I found out end of October about the flirtinf and she hasn't spoken to him since.