Disclosing personal information in dating

[katrina1980]

Co signing this whole post. I never knew i was adhd, always thought i was smart and different and that my difference is my value add and my charm. I went to the movies tonight with a man I've met only once before. He said, You're a strange person. I said, Thank you. lol.

 

Agree with you IAmFCA and also Jibralta; like J, my brain has a tendency to flip back and forth also.

 

Example, I will often read the last chapter of a book first and go backwards.

 

Then read the first, and go forwards!

 

Lol at your date calling you a "strange person," and am glad you responded the way you did!

 

I am often called different, weird, an anomaly, even had a guy call me an alien once. I took it as a compliment!

 

Embrace your differences, different is good.

 

And yes it does add to your value and charm, I've had several people tell me this, including the men I date!

[IAmFCA]

Agree with you IAmFCA and also Jibralta; like J, my brain has a tendency to flip back and forth also.

 

Example, I will often read the last chapter of a book first and go backwards.

 

Then read the first, and go forwards!

 

Lol at your date calling you a "strange person," and am glad you responded the way you did!

 

I am often called different, weird, an anomaly, even had a guy call me an alien once. I took it as a compliment!

 

Embrace your differences, different is good.

 

And yes it does add to your value and charm, I've had several people tell me this, including the men I date!

 

I wish us to have the foregoing amalgamated into a short message, printed onto a magnet, and affixed to our refrigerators, cars, bicycles, office white boards, etc. Read our posts and it is obvious we are sunshine on earth. May we remember this always.

[Jibralta]

Example, I will often read the last chapter of a book first and go backwards.

 

Then read the first, and go forwards!

 

I do the same thing, especially with nonfiction. Very, very useful.

 

With fiction, it's easier for me to be linear. I guess because it's like a playground for my imagination and my thinking brain is resting.

 

I am often called different, weird, an anomaly, even had a guy call me an alien once. I took it as a compliment!

 

Same :)

 

I enjoy differences in people.

[itsallgrand]

Have you ever done Myers Briggs?

 

My best friend is INTJ I think. Anyway she’s not warm, she’s introverted, can be a bit awkward, etc. she definitely isn’t on the autism spectrum though.

 

What I’m saying is people are all different. Neurotypicals aren’t all the same. So if you’re symptoms aren’t obvious, they aren’t obvious. No reason to make a big deal out of it. What you describe sounds like some of the engineers I went to school with. Maybe they are on the spectrum, and maybe not. But it doesn’t matter because I get along with them.

 

I'm quoting this because I agree with the sentiment - it doesn't matter one way or another if I get along with a person. That part comes first, better if other details are for later.

 

And this thread made me think of a newish friend of mine. He recently told me he is on the spectrum. This was after we've already established we enjoy each other's company and know each other enough to be comfortable with more personal information. There's already a friendship that's been growing. I think had he told me earlier, it would have been a bit more jarring to hear. At this point, it's nothing but more info to understand where he's coming from sometimes. I had an inkling, but I try not to make assumptions - but I wasn't surprised. No matter either way.

 

I guess my point is i think it's totally alright, even preferable, to wait to disclose sensitive person info. I know friendships aren't the same as dating but there is some overlap.

I have some aspects of myself that will always be influenced to a degree ( and it varies) by early trauma and PTSD. When dating, it wasn't necessarily apparent off the bat, but it would show itself somewhere along the lines. With friends too, eventually they will see some part of that or it will come up as context of parts of my life etc.

I did find it better to let it unfold naturally with time. Too much too soon was usually when things were at the roughest for me, and not in a great place to date anyways. But there really is no point making things more difficult by prejudging your own self , know what I mean?

[IAmFCA]

I'm quoting this because I agree with the sentiment - it doesn't matter one way or another if I get along with a person. That part comes first, better if other details are for later.

 

And this thread made me think of a newish friend of mine. He recently told me he is on the spectrum. This was after we've already established we enjoy each other's company and know each other enough to be comfortable with more personal information. There's already a friendship that's been growing. I think had he told me earlier, it would have been a bit more jarring to hear. At this point, it's nothing but more info to understand where he's coming from sometimes. I had an inkling, but I try not to make assumptions - but I wasn't surprised. No matter either way.

 

I guess my point is i think it's totally alright, even preferable, to wait to disclose sensitive person info. I know friendships aren't the same as dating but there is some overlap.

I have some aspects of myself that will always be influenced to a degree ( and it varies) by early trauma and PTSD. When dating, it wasn't necessarily apparent off the bat, but it would show itself somewhere along the lines. With friends too, eventually they will see some part of that or it will come up as context of parts of my life etc.

I did find it better to let it unfold naturally with time. Too much too soon was usually when things were at the roughest for me, and not in a great place to date anyways. But there really is no point making things more difficult by prejudging your own self , know what I mean?

 

Yes again x 1000 to mustlovedogs' quote and IAGs point.

 

In fact I seem to be stuck on a man who is INTJ... I have sometimes wondered idly if he is neurotypical. But I have not wondered much, because, whatever, who cares. He is who he is, same as you, same as me. We seem to hit the wrong notes with each other sometimes and we go away forever, and forever lasts a week or two. And we aren't even a couple. This is our dance, neither of us is inclined to want this sort of push pull but we don't walk away either.

 

I describe all that as a way of saying... sometimes, someone strikes a note with us and that note feels like it is supposed to be there. Spectrum, extreme introversion, my lack of executive function and occasional obsessions... whatever. We absorb as part of the whole.

 

You are not your neurology, you are bigger and broader than that. Which is the coolest.

[glitterfingers]

I do agree with those things, and I appreciate the implication that everyone is different. I have a friend who is 100% neurotypical but she is one of the biggest balls of quirk I've ever met. She's incredibly gifted/talented too, so I think it goes hand in hand, eccentricity-wise. And I really appreciate that about her and others that I know (and thankfully she accepts me, ASD and all, even when I say the wrong thing by accident). I can't really understand 'normal' people all that well, or I get bored by them...I love weird and quirky, and celebrating those things, learning about other's interests

 

There are some parts of autism itself though, that do need explaining to someone that you intend to get involved with. And other disorders/conditions, just that I am not quite an expert on those. As for not defining yourself by your neurology, that depends. I would rather define myself by neurology in terms of explaining, these positive and negative traits are all caused by the same underlying thing in my brain - like my aesthetic appreciation for things and my need to avoid noisy environments or be touched in a certain way so that I don't recoil. They all have the same cause - and combined they make up a big part of my personality.

 

That to me is preferable than just giving facts like "ASD causes sensory sensitivity which can be problematic" and then not tying it back to observable behaviours. That wouldn't make a lot of sense to most people, and more likely leads to them to wonder in what ways it will become problematic. I'd rather explain how I experience life as a result of ASD, because it offers a more all-encompassing explanation that is less burdensome/worrisome to people (than just listing general symptoms) ... I am curious though, if anyone would disagree with that? I certainly know that when I've attempted a conversation like this before, the person was very uncomfortable the first time... but in the future, found it very helpful in understanding me

 

I'm INTJ too. For whatever Myers Briggs is worth

[mustlovedogs]

I know you don’t like my responses, but I feel like I’ve answered the question you posed above. No, I don’t want to have an in-depth discussion with a SO regarding any diagnosis. This will sound selfish, but I only really want to know - at least early on - what could impact me.

 

Yes, disclose it, that’s fine. I never said it’s not. But mention specifics as they occur, not in one big sweeping discussion.

 

In this discussion I’m having with you, I’m relaying a communication preference I have. This is no different from your motivations to reveal your diagnosis, at least fundamentally. I truly, sincerely am turned off by people who play the victim card. For the record, I am NOT saying you are. But that is my interpretation of someone when they want to discuss their problems at length. It feels very me, me, me and less “us”.

 

Call me insensitive if you want. But I guarantee I’m not alone. People don’t like hearing only about bad things and struggles. That doesn’t minimize the struggles. Just a preference with communication.

 

I don’t explicitly talk about my personality quirks unless they come up. Yes, I get that my quirks are different from ASD. But it’s still the same concept.

 

For instance, I feel super vulnerable when people look through my music collection. I don’t want to play my Pandora when people are over and I don’t listen to my iPhone music when friends are in the car. I don’t tell anyone that, but if they ask, sure I can tell them.

 

I’m being very careful with my phrasing here. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now. I just tell you that because your reaction frankly scared me off. I tell you this so you understand from my perspective too.

[Seraphim]

OP, all you can do is find someone who doesn't mind learning things about you. I personally REALLY feel education is key in this issue. If they are not interested in learning anything about it they are not for you . It doesn't make them a bad person it just makes them not for you .

[glitterfingers]

I know you don’t like my responses, but I feel like I’ve answered the question you posed above. No, I don’t want to have an in-depth discussion with a SO regarding any diagnosis. This will sound selfish, but I only really want to know - at least early on - what could impact me.

 

Yes, disclose it, that’s fine. I never said it’s not. But mention specifics as they occur, not in one big sweeping discussion.

 

In this discussion I’m having with you, I’m relaying a communication preference I have. This is no different from your motivations to reveal your diagnosis, at least fundamentally. I truly, sincerely am turned off by people who play the victim card. For the record, I am NOT saying you are. But that is my interpretation of someone when they want to discuss their problems at length. It feels very me, me, me and less “us”.

 

Call me insensitive if you want. But I guarantee I’m not alone. People don’t like hearing only about bad things and struggles. That doesn’t minimize the struggles. Just a preference with communication.

 

I don’t explicitly talk about my personality quirks unless they come up. Yes, I get that my quirks are different from ASD. But it’s still the same concept.

 

For instance, I feel super vulnerable when people look through my music collection. I don’t want to play my Pandora when people are over and I don’t listen to my iPhone music when friends are in the car. I don’t tell anyone that, but if they ask, sure I can tell them.

 

I’m being very careful with my phrasing here. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now. I just tell you that because your reaction frankly scared me off. I tell you this so you understand from my perspective too.

 

Look, I appreciate your input, but I don't think you're aware of your own prejudices. And I dislike conflict very much, so for me to point it out is just about the height of discomfort

 

I'll try and summarise what I found offensive though, so that you understand.

 

The implication in your wording is that explaining how life is different for an autistic person, is akin to complaining about a problem. What you are essentially saying is that, you don't want to hear about it in-depth because you don't want to see it as a problem. Who said that it's a problem?

You make it out to be a problem when you say, explaining it in depth is playing the victim card. I am not a victim of my brain, I never said I was... you are the one who is implying it with the idea that talking about it is talking about struggles. And that's where I get offended. Because to me it's like walking around with tinted lenses over my eyes. It's the same world, just seen in a slightly different way because of this thing that I see out of, i.e. my brain

 

Does it make a bit of sense to you why I find it offensive?

 

Maybe you still think it's on par with the other kinds of variations that you get in neurotypical people, but the truth is - it really isn't. It's a more significant difference. That's not to imply that it's bad. It's just more 'alien'. And I feel like talking about differences shouldn't be quite so uncomfortable for you, but it is because of your own prejudices, not mine (and not necessarily others) ...

 

And, hence, bottom line. It seems hypocritical to me to say that you accept differences but don't want to hear about them

[glitterfingers]

To aid what I'm trying to say, with exaggerated mock humour:

 

[Seraphim]

For instance how my son would impact a person's life :

 

1. He hates touch don't touch him .

2. He has very limited food options so going to restaurants is a crapshoot

3. He has very limited food options so eating at home and can be intensely boring

4. He can't drive ( yet)

5. You're lucky if he talks to you half an hour in a day

6. He's extremely interested in anime so unless you're interested in anime you're probably not going to be a part of his life

7. He is very overwhelmed by people very quickly you need to leave him completely alone for hours on end

8. He needs a lot of help with life skills

9. He has a lot of manual dexterity issues ,he can't tie shoes, he can't shave his own face etc etc

10. He can have meltdowns when he's overwhelmed what is overwhelming depends on the day

11. He dislikes confrontation of any kind

 

I could go on and on and on and on and on but how his life would impact another person's . It's not a minor issue where a quirk will come up once in a while . It is that every single aspect of your life is altered in a different way .

[glitterfingers]

For instance how my son would impact a person's life :

 

1. He hates touch don't touch him .

2. He has very limited food options so going to restaurants is a crapshoot

3. He has very limited food options so eating at home and can be intensely boring

4. He can't drive ( yet)

5. You're lucky if he talks to you half an hour in a day

6. He's extremely interested in anime so unless you're interested in anime you're probably not going to be a part of his life

7. He is very overwhelmed by people very quickly you need to leave him completely alone for hours on end

8. He needs a lot of help with life skills

9. He has a lot of manual dexterity issues ,he can't tie shoes, he can't shave his own face etc etc

10. He can have meltdowns when he's overwhelmed what is overwhelming depends on the day

11. He dislikes confrontation of any kind

 

I could go on and on and on and on and on but how his life would impact another person's . It's not a minor issue where a quirk will come up once in a while . It is that every single aspect of your life is altered in a different way .

 

Thank you. I've avoided going into detail with this because I simply don't want to be seen as complaining

 

But to compare:

- Extremely noise sensitive so constantly adjusting my environment/leaving noisy places (or I will shut down and stop communicating)

- Picky eater in the same way

- Oddities in conversation where I don't hear/process/respond appropriately

- Odd body language and facial expressions which are regularly pointed out by others

- Somewhat aloof and non-expressive so, this guy is unsure how I feel about him

- Have to follow a specific routine when I leave the house and melt down if it's disrupted too heavily

- Have to be touched in a very specific way and with warning

 

There's so many more but I don't really think about them. I spend a lot of time just by myself so I can do what I please and it doesn't affect others, but have had major issues in past relationships. I mean major issues. One of my exes called the cops on me regularly because I would shut down/melt down and he didn't know what to do with me, got scared I guess (if I just become unresponsive or start sobbing uncontrollably)

 

I don't focus on it most of the time, and I take care of myself on my own terms. I don't even think I'd go into that much detail with someone. But explaining generally, my world is a bit different and so I do things differently because I have to self-manage, that seems important

 

And as I said, a lot of positives as well. I like showing people my world - drawings, music, certain videos that have their aesthetic value, my home is really neat and everything colour-coordinated because that's what I like. It's all part of the same thing. So long as someone understands why I do things a certain way, it reduces the likelihood of conflict and relationship problems

 

Also, it's not obvious the first few times I interact with someone. But I've been seeing this guy for 2 mths on Thursday... he knows something is up. He's mentioned autism casually many times. But he doesn't know what it entails

[Seraphim]

Absolutely, my son is very expressionless except with me or his father. He is very robotic in movement. He doesn’t talk to people who call out his name on the street whether he knows them or not. He processes much much slower and differently to 99% of the world. He wears headphones everywhere because NT life is too noisy and causes him actual pain. Sun bothers him, rain hurts, heat is unbearable. Change of seasons is intolerable. Buying new shoes reduces him to tears.

 

I remember him screaming constantly as an infant because EVERYTHING was intolerable to him. All people other than me , my mom and step dad were intolerable to him even his own father.

 

It is life COMPLETELY different.

[glitterfingers]

I have it in my mind that things get better with age, self-awareness (thus self-management), therapy, etc. The older I've gotten, the more I've learned how to manage what I guess you'd call "triggers" (stimuli) both in terms of altering my environment and explaining to others what I am doing - so I rarely have meltdowns anymore. I think I had only a small handful of legitimate meltdowns last year, although I did shut down completely for a few weeks when my last relationship ended. And I still shut down in overwhelming environments. Emotional regulation is another issue. But manageable

[Seraphim]

Yes, as my son matures he is able to regulate better . Also more development occurs. As I am sure you understand many people on the spectrum can be as much as 10 to 15 years behind others in development hence developmental condition. It is baby steps at a time. As you know learning by observing doesn’t happen in most cases. Things must be specially taught over and over and over and over sometimes years on end. For instance it took until 15 for my son to master bathing. In the last 6 months he has consistently used deodorant without a prompt. Yay!!!! A mastered skill. He is 20. We are now mastering consistent flossing and brushing. Any NT person you would not even think it a “ skill” to wear deodorant consistently, you just do it.

 

My son is ASD level 1( Aspergers) so fairly mild. Maybe more severe than some with mild ASD.

 

A lot of people don’t even know that some people with ASD can’t be toilet trained. It depends on how their brain is wired as to what skills will be mastered. So it is not about quirks.

[Seraphim]

And my son is also incredibly funny, very articulate, very compassionate and adores animals and little kids. He is creative in writing comics and about movies. He knows so much on almost any subject. He has an eidetic memory in many cases. Exceptional sense of direction. Very handsome.

[glitterfingers]

Well it affects males and females differently, also. He does sound like his behavioural/sensory issues may be more pronounced than a lot of Level 1 - BUT even among high functioning, you get such a huge variation. Plenty of HFA by my age should be able to work at least part-time; I can't. Self-care takes so much out of me that it can be hard to do much else. But once you learn one thing, you can move onto bigger/more challenging things (although sometimes regress also)

 

I had some pretty significant developmental issues until 15-16 (selective mutism, bathing/grooming issues, isolating myself constantly, no friends, I would wear baggy clothes and no bras until about 16). My parents refused to get me "labelled". After my mother passed away, my father taught me to socialise and groom, not to do certain things in public lol. I know it's not easy for parents - and I was a receptive teenager as well. I wanted to be more like the popular kids at school

[Seraphim]

Yes, he has significant sensory issues. He isolates because of that. And he may never work due to that.

[mustlovedogs]

Look, I appreciate your input, but I don't think you're aware of your own prejudices. And I dislike conflict very much, so for me to point it out is just about the height of discomfort

 

I'll try and summarise what I found offensive though, so that you understand.

 

The implication in your wording is that explaining how life is different for an autistic person, is akin to complaining about a problem. What you are essentially saying is that, you don't want to hear about it in-depth because you don't want to see it as a problem. Who said that it's a problem?

You make it out to be a problem when you say, explaining it in depth is playing the victim card. I am not a victim of my brain, I never said I was... you are the one who is implying it with the idea that talking about it is talking about struggles. And that's where I get offended. Because to me it's like walking around with tinted lenses over my eyes. It's the same world, just seen in a slightly different way because of this thing that I see out of, i.e. my brain

 

Does it make a bit of sense to you why I find it offensive?

 

Maybe you still think it's on par with the other kinds of variations that you get in neurotypical people, but the truth is - it really isn't. It's a more significant difference. That's not to imply that it's bad. It's just more 'alien'. And I feel like talking about differences shouldn't be quite so uncomfortable for you, but it is because of your own prejudices, not mine (and not necessarily others) ...

 

And, hence, bottom line. It seems hypocritical to me to say that you accept differences but don't want to hear about them

 

I’m afraid you’re not understanding my point. I never said I didn’t want to hear the differences. I also said that I don’t think you’re complaining. I was just trying to offer up a perspective that I thought might be valuable.

 

My key point boils down to:

 

If I like you, that’s great. That’s good enough for me. But I don’t want to be bombarded right away with all this information. Too much, too fast. Give it to me slowly as it becomes relevant. Some information is good, and let me ask clarifying questions as I need. But then let the topic lie until it becomes relevant again.

 

I said that I understand my quirks can’t be compared to ASD. Please re read my post to see that.

 

If you knew me, I’m actually very interested in medicine and especially neurological disorders. You’re probably surprised - you probably don’t believe it, in fact. I’m just saying I don’t want to be overwhelmed with a data dump the first time we discuss this

 

Why is that a bad thing?

[Seraphim]

I think what we are saying though is that it's every day relevant .

 

I know for myself providing accommodations for my son is every minute of every day and has been since the day of his birth. And the fight for people to understand and accommodate has been so exhausting that I can't explain it.

 

He would literally need a partner to help him function in life .

[mustlovedogs]

I think what we are saying though is that it's every day relevant .

 

I know for myself providing accommodations for my son is every minute of every day and has been since the day of his birth. And the fight for people to understand and accommodate has been so exhausting that I can't explain it.

 

He would literally need a partner to help him function in life .

 

I can understand that from what you’ve said about your son, but as I understand - from the OP - she’s very high functioning?

 

My answers have been based on that. If I’m incorrect, then my answers aren’t relevant.

[Seraphim]

I can understand that from what you’ve said about your son, but as I understand - from the OP - she’s very high functioning?

 

My answers have been based on that. If I’m incorrect, then my answers aren’t relevant.

 

So is my son though. You can be very high functioning and still have really significant struggles.

[glitterfingers]

I can understand that from what you’ve said about your son, but as I understand - from the OP - she’s very high functioning?

 

My answers have been based on that. If I’m incorrect, then my answers aren’t relevant.

 

High functioning just means I talk fairly normally/articulately and behave in a more flexible way than those with lower functioning characteristics. People don't realise that in order to get a diagnosis, your symptoms have to cause clinically significant impairment in functioning - otherwise you aren't "disordered". I blame this misunderstanding on the stereotypes that are perpetuated throughout the media

 

Even if you look at Sheldon in the big bang theory, his communication issues alone would not be enough to earn him a diagnosis unless they actually cause a problem in his everyday functioning, such as the inability to form/maintain friendships or find/maintain employment. Which they apparently don't.. it's a bad stereotype to perpetuate because it doesn't capture what the ramifications of having autism are on everyday life

 

Anyway, that's why educating people on the disorder is important. It's important for a potential partner to understand that I'm going to be stubbornly inflexible about certain things at certain times, we might need to leave a restaurant/social event because if we don't, I'm going to a complete mess for the next week. Waiting until you're worked up is too late, especially if the person tries to negotiate/argue with your decision because they don't understand the need for accommodations - I can't think of a quicker way to exacerbate a potential shutdown/meltdown than making an autistic person explain themselves in the moment - this has been the cause of an ex that I mentioned having to call the police on me

 

It is far better to give an all-encompassing explanation of the way autism affects the brain well ahead of time, and what that means for someone that you are involved with. I spend a lot of energy and time self-regulating to avoid disasters. And that means I have preferences for everything, from what/where/when I am able to eat (I haven't been able to share meals with this guy, which bothers him a bit), to what kind of noise is in the environment at any given time, when I want to do certain things vs. when I need to relax in order to pace myself, why I might avoid social interaction or not be able to see him on a particular night, why I might need him to patiently wait while I finish my getting-ready-to-leave-the-house routine (even if that makes us an hour late, that is better than a meltdown/shutdown and me just refusing to go anywhere)

 

There's so much that it's hard to type it out, but I guarantee you I have learned from many bad experiences that negotiating these things as they come up is not my strong point. I have enough trouble with expressing myself as it is, verbalising needs when I need them, is impossible at times (beyond the very basic, "I need you to wait while I get ready" or "I need you to stay with me at this social event"). I can't have those conversations all the time, put on the spot, I cannot express myself adequately and I certainly cannot convince someone else to agree with me unless they already knew ahead of time what to expect. Communication is hard. That's autism.

 

And I'm a person with good mental health and quite happy with my life. I just do things in certain ways because I need to

[glitterfingers]

I’m afraid you’re not understanding my point. I never said I didn’t want to hear the differences. I also said that I don’t think you’re complaining. I was just trying to offer up a perspective that I thought might be valuable.

 

My key point boils down to:

 

If I like you, that’s great. That’s good enough for me. But I don’t want to be bombarded right away with all this information. Too much, too fast. Give it to me slowly as it becomes relevant. Some information is good, and let me ask clarifying questions as I need. But then let the topic lie until it becomes relevant again.

 

I said that I understand my quirks can’t be compared to ASD. Please re read my post to see that.

 

If you knew me, I’m actually very interested in medicine and especially neurological disorders. You’re probably surprised - you probably don’t believe it, in fact. I’m just saying I don’t want to be overwhelmed with a data dump the first time we discuss this

 

Why is that a bad thing?

 

A certain amount of information is necessary at first. Especially when the issue of why I don't work because of ASD comes up. Can you imagine being satisfied with a short, generalised answer without understanding the factors that contribute to it and whether they are likely to improve in the future, what's being done about it and why?

[mustlovedogs]

A certain amount of information is necessary at first. Especially when the issue of why I don't work because of ASD comes up. Can you imagine being satisfied with a short, generalised answer without understanding the factors that contribute to it and whether they are likely to improve in the future, what's being done about it and why?

 

If I’m not satisfied, then I’ll keep asking more.

 

I’m not saying this is a 3 minute discussion. But ten minutes is quite a bit different than 45.