Disclosing personal information in dating

[glitterfingers]

If I’m not satisfied, then I’ll keep asking more.

 

I’m not saying this is a 3 minute discussion. But ten minutes is quite a bit different than 45.

 

It needs to be framed a certain way so that particular issues are pre-empted or obvious, as well as how the other person responds to them. I've never gone into much detail with someone face-to-face (except for specialists/therapists, of course)

 

I haven't figured out how to approach it yet. Writing a list of things to summarise seems most logical but I wouldn't want to read off a list (that would look weird)

Like: What ASD is, Generalised symptoms and how they affect me, How it affects my closest relationships and social issues I've had as a result of my limitations (like sexual assault, vilification, manipulation, rejection)

 

I probably wouldn't even get into work the first time I discuss it because that's a whole other conversation that involves disclosing the specifics of workplace bullying incidents, manipulation, being fired from jobs, burn out and taking time off work. People usually care about those details and what happened in different instances, and they judge you on it. And also misunderstand the reasons for certain occurrences ("You shouldn't be so stubborn then" - "I wasn't being stubborn, I just wasn't able to communicate this and that adequately, and the person didn't understand")

 

It's very complex

[glitterfingers]

I think because it's complex, and also the actual issues associated with ASD, it makes it that much more difficult to gauge whether the person has enough information to not make incorrect assumptions (not everyone asks).

Not to mention it burns me out just talking about it

 

I already know this guy is going to ask questions and what I want to be a 10 minute discussion will probably turn into 30.\

 

And yes, I am worried about that ending the relationship

 

Hence why I am reluctant to disclose

[mustlovedogs]

If he’s asking questions though then he’s interested. But disclosing too much too fast can be overwhelming.

 

I wouldn’t want you to come off as being defined by your diagnosis. You are more than that, even if it makes up a huge component of your personality. If you make it out to be a huge problem/difficulty/struggle, then what will stop him from thinking this problem will become his problem?

 

I think it’s important to relay when the time is right. Maybe just initially phrase it as “I have autism, which generally means [x]. I’m pretty high functioning, but my biggest struggles are with a, b, and c. That means that ... “etc. then follow up with “I know this may be a lot to take in. We can talk about it more now or later.”

 

Just my two cents. but if he’s stuck around this long, he likes you. Be confident in that.

[Seraphim]

[glitterfingers]

If he’s asking questions though then he’s interested. But disclosing too much too fast can be overwhelming.

 

I wouldn’t want you to come off as being defined by your diagnosis. You are more than that, even if it makes up a huge component of your personality. If you make it out to be a huge problem/difficulty/struggle, then what will stop him from thinking this problem will become his problem?

 

I mean... It will. There's no way around that. But my positive traits will also benefit him. So, it's up to him to decide if it balances out. I think it's pretty obvious that I don't define myself by it entirely since I haven't addressed it in 2 mths, and play down a lot of aspects

 

I think it’s important to relay when the time is right.

 

When is that? I'm not comfortable having the conversation in public. I'm not sure if it should be had before/after intimacy. We've progressed to having sleepovers, and I am worried - if that conversation gets heavy - I don't want him to be in a position where he feels obligated to stay over despite being uncomfortable.

 

Maybe just initially phrase it as “I have autism, which generally means [x]. I’m pretty high functioning, but my biggest struggles are with a, b, and c. That means that ... “etc. then follow up with “I know this may be a lot to take in. We can talk about it more now or later.”

 

Just my two cents. but if he’s stuck around this long, he likes you. Be confident in that.

 

I think in large part it's due to my appearance/body. I don't entirely trust men in this regard. They get all worked up on how much they like a girl because she's attractive, and ignore the other things which are ... more important for compatibility

[glitterfingers]

 

Haha

I might not say anything. I'll just put this on the TV

[katrina1980]

I think because it's complex, and also the actual issues associated with ASD, it makes it that much more difficult to gauge whether the person has enough information to not make incorrect assumptions (not everyone asks).

Not to mention it burns me out just talking about it

 

I already know this guy is going to ask questions and what I want to be a 10 minute discussion will probably turn into 30.\

 

And yes, I am worried about that ending the relationship

 

Hence why I am reluctant to disclose

 

glitter, just my opinion but if you're worried telling him will end the RL (meaning HE will end it) then don't disclose yet.

 

I was diagnosed with Bipolar2 several years ago, I was dating my ex at the time so he obviously accepted it, but since we broke up, with new men, I only disclose when I feel emotionally safe and comfortable.

 

I have never been rejected for it.

 

Until I met my current BF, there were many men I dated and never even told them. I just didn't feel comfortable enough.

 

With my current, I felt emotionally safe telling him after about a month. I knew he would accept it and not negatively judge me for it.

 

Why? Because we had been together enough times for him to know I manage my symptoms quite well and it would not negatively affect our RL which it hasn't.

 

It's only an issue if you make it an issue.

 

Sure I have my quirks and moods sometimes, so does he and he's NOT bipolar!

 

Unfortunately it's still a stigma, many don't understand it, and would be quick to end things before getting to know ME and realizing how well I manage (without meds I might add) and that it's really not that big a deal at all.

 

When I told my BF, it was a very quick discussion. As time went on and goes on, I disclose certain things, my experiences dealing with it, how I react in certain situations, when the conversation warrants it.

 

It's a gradual process and there are still things he doesn't know.

 

Of course you have to do what feels best for you, but this is how I handle it which works really well for me and those I become close with.

[glitterfingers]

glitter, just my opinion but if you're worried telling him will end the RL (meaning HE will end it) then don't disclose yet.

 

I was diagnosed with Bipolar2 several years ago, I was dating my ex at the time so he obviously accepted it, but since we broke up, with new men, I only disclose when I feel emotionally safe and comfortable.

 

I have never been rejected for it.

 

Until I met my current BF, there were many men I dated and never even told them. I just didn't feel comfortable enough.

 

With my current, I felt emotionally safe telling him after about a month. I knew he would accept it and not negatively judge me for it.

 

Why? Because we had been together enough times for him to know I manage my symptoms quite well and it would not negatively affect our RL which it hasn't.

 

It's only an issue if you make it an issue.

 

Sure I have my quirks and moods sometimes, so does he and he's NOT bipolar!

 

Unfortunately it's still a stigma, many don't understand it, and would be quick to end things before getting to know ME and realizing how well I manage (without meds I might add) and that it's really not that big a deal at all.

 

When I told my BF, it was a very quick discussion. As time went on and goes on, I disclose certain things, my experiences dealing with it, how I react in certain situations, when the conversation warrants it.

 

It's a gradual process and there are still things he doesn't know.

 

Of course you have to do what feels best for you, but this is how I handle it which works really well for me and those I become close with.

 

Thank you. I thought about not disclosing for 6 mths or so if I could avoid it. But it would seem better to disclose before any obvious issues arise

 

I also want to disclose before meeting friends/family, which he keeps asking me to do because he wants to progress the relationship. Seems it would be better to have a conversation about it. In the very least so I can say, "If you're thinking about getting your friends to size me up for suitability, don't put me in that position. You're setting me up to fail"

[katrina1980]

Thank you. I thought about not disclosing for 6 mths or so if I could avoid it. But it would seem better to disclose before any obvious issues arise

 

I also want to disclose before meeting friends/family, which he keeps asking me to do because he wants to progress the relationship. Seems it would be better to have a conversation about it. In the very least so I can say, "If you're thinking about getting your friends to size me up for suitability, don't put me in that position. You're setting me up to fail"

 

Again jmo but it doesn't matter how long you've dated, one month or six months, tell him when you feel emotionally safe, comfortable and trust him.

 

By trust, I don't mean cheating-wise but trust that he respects you, values you and will always consider your boundaries and best interests, and trust that he would never pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable doing yet.

 

I could be wrong but I'm getting the sense you're not quite there yet with him.

 

glitters, don't allow him to pressure you to meet his friends, to advance the relationship or for any other reason.

 

Simply tell him you are not comfortable or ready to meet friends yet. If he cares about you he will respect your boundaries about that.

 

It would be a lot better than telling him about your ASD (before you feel safe doing so) followed by "if you're thinking about getting your friends to size me up for suitability, don't put me in that position, you're setting me up to fail."

 

I could almost guarantee you that would NOT go down well.

 

I know it's not your intention, but it sounds very accusatory and defensive.

 

And the fact you even believe "that" is why he wants you to meet his friends -- to size you up for suitability -- indicates (to me anyway) you don't feel safe and definitely do not trust him (emotionally).

 

I realize I'm a bit weird, but I've never thought the reason my boyfriend(s) have wanted me to meet friends was to "size me up for suitability." Such thought never even occurred to me.

 

It's certainly not the reason I have wanted my friends to meet him.

 

Best of luck whatever you decide, and g'luck with your relationship!

[glitterfingers]

Thank you. You're right - I don't feel safe telling him. And one of the reasons is because he talks to his friends about me a lot and wants to introduce me to them. I'm worried about him telling them I have ASD, or about his suspicions that I do. Or them asking me a lot of personal questions, and not having an adequate answer prepared that doesn't involve disclosure. Also I may not 'perform' well (I have to put on an act in social settings, "turn the charm on", but sometimes I get too anxious)

 

He's accepted that it's too soon for me and I wouldn't socialise often like he does. But he is very extroverted, has many friends and it matters to him. I'm working with a counsellor to try and resolve my insecurities about my diagnosis and past social traumas because I want to be able to do those things - I am kind of glad this situation is forcing me to grow

[glitterfingers]

I know you don’t like my responses, but I feel like I’ve answered the question you posed above. No, I don’t want to have an in-depth discussion with a SO regarding any diagnosis. This will sound selfish, but I only really want to know - at least early on - what could impact me.

 

Yes, disclose it, that’s fine. I never said it’s not. But mention specifics as they occur, not in one big sweeping discussion.

 

In this discussion I’m having with you, I’m relaying a communication preference I have. This is no different from your motivations to reveal your diagnosis, at least fundamentally. I truly, sincerely am turned off by people who play the victim card. For the record, I am NOT saying you are. But that is my interpretation of someone when they want to discuss their problems at length. It feels very me, me, me and less “us”.

 

Call me insensitive if you want. But I guarantee I’m not alone. People don’t like hearing only about bad things and struggles. That doesn’t minimize the struggles. Just a preference with communication.

 

I don’t explicitly talk about my personality quirks unless they come up. Yes, I get that my quirks are different from ASD. But it’s still the same concept.

 

For instance, I feel super vulnerable when people look through my music collection. I don’t want to play my Pandora when people are over and I don’t listen to my iPhone music when friends are in the car. I don’t tell anyone that, but if they ask, sure I can tell them.

 

I’m being very careful with my phrasing here. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells now. I just tell you that because your reaction frankly scared me off. I tell you this so you understand from my perspective too.

 

For the record, I understand now that what you were saying is that talking about autism will cause some people to automatically assume that the conversation is going down a negative path, and thus deliberating on it is only going to reinforce that in their mind, and they probably won't hear much else of what I'm trying to say

 

And I agree that if someone has that initial reaction (despite their best intentions), it's unlikely any further conversation is going to change their feelings at that point in time

 

Ultimately that is exactly the kind of stigma that I am worried about encountering. The kind where people don't or can't vocalise their concerns/assumptions about the label because it's so uncomfortable, and instead just walk away. I've rarely gone into detail with people, but saying "autism" can be just as scary as saying "schizophrenia" - it carries connotations (where also too little info is just as bad as too much)

[mustlovedogs]

For the record, I understand now that what you were saying is that talking about autism will cause some people to automatically assume that the conversation is going down a negative path, and thus deliberating on it is only going to reinforce that in their mind, and they probably won't hear much else of what I'm trying to say

 

And I agree that if someone has that initial reaction (despite their best intentions), it's unlikely any further conversation is going to change their feelings at that point in time

 

Ultimately that is exactly the kind of stigma that I am worried about encountering. The kind where people don't or can't vocalise their concerns/assumptions about the label because it's so uncomfortable, and instead just walk away. I've rarely gone into detail with people, but saying "autism" can be just as scary as saying "schizophrenia" - it carries connotations (where also too little info is just as bad as too much)

 

Kind of, but not exactly.

 

You made it sound worse than I initially thought. High functioning to me sounds like you generally ride through life right along with neurotypicals (perhaps with some discomfort), but you function well for the most part. Occasionally something pops up that is a bigger issue, but that it isn’t debilitating day to day.

 

I swear I’m not trying to be offensive. But the more you posted and elaborated, the less high functioning you seemed. With each post, your autism seemed like a bigger and bigger roadblock to living your life.

 

Maybe that is your reality, but I tend to think it’s not. I believe you when you say you’re high functioning. By elaborating too much, however, I think you risk making your autism sound like a REALLY BIG DEAL and scaring a guy off. Like I said, it’s overwhelming. Smaller doses are easier to manage. I would imagine that’s something you can relate to?

[dias]

 

Is she autistic ? To me she looks like every normal person(and she is cute).

[glitterfingers]

Kind of, but not exactly.

 

You made it sound worse than I initially thought. High functioning to me sounds like you generally ride through life right along with neurotypicals (perhaps with some discomfort), but you function well for the most part. Occasionally something pops up that is a bigger issue, but that it isn’t debilitating day to day.

 

I swear I’m not trying to be offensive. But the more you posted and elaborated, the less high functioning you seemed. With each post, your autism seemed like a bigger and bigger roadblock to living your life.

 

Maybe that is your reality, but I tend to think it’s not. I believe you when you say you’re high functioning. By elaborating too much, however, I think you risk making your autism sound like a REALLY BIG DEAL and scaring a guy off. Like I said, it’s overwhelming. Smaller doses are easier to manage. I would imagine that’s something you can relate to?

 

I think you might not understand what high functioning means. High functioning means articulate and not so fixated/rigid in interests and behaviours that they can't do basic things for themselves (But even then, Seraphim's son has trouble and he's also high functioning)

 

Yes, it has been a major roadblock for me. But most people with ASD don't coast through life anything like what you describe. That's what I was trying to address with the Sheldon Cooper stereotype. You might be surprised to know that the vast majority of people with ASD are unemployed/underemployed, and many are asocial. Our society is not that inclusive or understanding of the kinds of differences that ASD entails

 

Socially, I am just about as high functioning as they come. I can form friendships and relationships, but it takes constant, conscious effort. My ASD isn't usually a roadblock, BECAUSE of the way that I take care of myself. That doesn't leave a lot of room for flexibility sometimes, and with the push and pull of relationships, it's important to explain that. As I've matured, I've become better at self-regulating. But I'm still autistic. I still have meltdowns or shutdowns when I'm overwhelmed

 

Yeah, that sort of thing is scary. I don't intend to disclose to the guy like this. It's more for your education and others, because it was clear that you might not know what it's like to live with ASD

 

When I disclose, it'll be more like

Hey, you know how I get those weird facial expressions and body language you've brought up a few times? And how sometimes my eyes seem to be flying all over the place while I'm listening to you? And how everything in my house is organised by colours? And how I nerd out on algebra for fun? And don't want to meet your friends yet?

I kinda wanted to talk about that

 

And then yeah, later on (but not too much later) it needs to be said that I have a potential to meltdown or shutdown, and various social issues, and that's basically why my life is organised in a certain way. And what that means for a potential partner. They have to be ok with me being "selfish" about certain things

[glitterfingers]

Is she autistic ? To me she looks like every normal person(and she is cute).

 

Yes she is autistic (and cute lol). She is a major autism advocate

 

There are a lot of misconceptions about high functioning autism. Females are particularly hard to notice. Case in point

[glitterfingers]

Kind of, but not exactly.

 

You made it sound worse than I initially thought. High functioning to me sounds like you generally ride through life right along with neurotypicals (perhaps with some discomfort), but you function well for the most part. Occasionally something pops up that is a bigger issue, but that it isn’t debilitating day to day.

 

I swear I’m not trying to be offensive. But the more you posted and elaborated, the less high functioning you seemed. With each post, your autism seemed like a bigger and bigger roadblock to living your life.

 

Maybe that is your reality, but I tend to think it’s not. I believe you when you say you’re high functioning. By elaborating too much, however, I think you risk making your autism sound like a REALLY BIG DEAL and scaring a guy off. Like I said, it’s overwhelming. Smaller doses are easier to manage. I would imagine that’s something you can relate to?

 

I hate typing essays. Short response: It is a really big deal. It dictates my life. And it will dictate many parts of a romantic relationship, in both positive and negative ways. People with ASD have a LOT to offer, they are honest, loyal, compassionate and dedicated when they want to be in a relationship. Plus they are usually creative and highly talented in some areas. I can't stress that enough

 

It's not problematic for me, because I like how I live life. But that might not be how another person likes to live theirs, and that would be problematic

[mustlovedogs]

I think you might not understand what high functioning means. High functioning means articulate and not so fixated/rigid in interests and behaviours that they can't do basic things for themselves (But even then, Seraphim's son has trouble and he's also high functioning)

 

Yes, it has been a major roadblock for me. But most people with ASD don't coast through life anything like what you describe. That's what I was trying to address with the Sheldon Cooper stereotype. You might be surprised to know that the vast majority of people with ASD are unemployed/underemployed, and many are asocial. Our society is not that inclusive or understanding of the kinds of differences that ASD entails

 

Socially, I am just about as high functioning as they come. I can form friendships and relationships, but it takes constant, conscious effort. My ASD isn't usually a roadblock, BECAUSE of the way that I take care of myself. That doesn't leave a lot of room for flexibility sometimes, and with the push and pull of relationships, it's important to explain that. As I've matured, I've become better at self-regulating. But I'm still autistic. I still have meltdowns or shutdowns when I'm overwhelmed

 

Yeah, that sort of thing is scary. I don't intend to disclose to the guy like this. It's more for your education and others, because it was clear that you might not know what it's like to live with ASD

 

When I disclose, it'll be more like

Hey, you know how I get those weird facial expressions and body language you've brought up a few times? And how sometimes my eyes seem to be flying all over the place while I'm listening to you? And how everything in my house is organised by colours? And how I nerd out on algebra for fun? And don't want to meet your friends yet?

I kinda wanted to talk about that

 

And then yeah, later on (but not too much later) it needs to be said that I have a potential to meltdown or shutdown, and various social issues, and that's basically why my life is organised in a certain way. And what that means for a potential partner. They have to be ok with me being "selfish" about certain things

 

How you presented it to me is how I assumed you would present it to him. But what you shared above seems reasonable. I don’t mean to say it doesn’t impact your life daily - but the way you present it feels very stressful and overwhelming to me. How you present it is just as important as what you present.

 

I’m sure it is stressful and overwhelming to you, but passing that to a partner in one giant leap will not be conducive to furthering your relationship. That’s all I was trying to say.

[Seraphim]

Is she autistic ? To me she looks like every normal person(and she is cute).

 

Yes, she is. But people don’t “ look” autistic.

[glitterfingers]

How you presented it to me is how I assumed you would present it to him. But what you shared above seems reasonable. I don’t mean to say it doesn’t impact your life daily - but the way you present it feels very stressful and overwhelming to me. How you present it is just as important as what you present.

 

I’m sure it is stressful and overwhelming to you, but passing that to a partner in one giant leap will not be conducive to furthering your relationship. That’s all I was trying to say.

 

I've tried to say a few times that I've rarely gone into much detail and wouldn't intend to, because talking about it makes me uncomfortable (I also have a fair amount of trouble expressing myself verbally)

 

Which part did I address to you that seemed stressful and overwhelming? Or was it the general discussion of autism in the thread that was overwhelming?

[Seraphim]

Kind of, but not exactly.

 

You made it sound worse than I initially thought. High functioning to me sounds like you generally ride through life right along with neurotypicals (perhaps with some discomfort), but you function well for the most part. Occasionally something pops up that is a bigger issue, but that it isn’t debilitating day to day.

 

I swear I’m not trying to be offensive. But the more you posted and elaborated, the less high functioning you seemed. With each post, your autism seemed like a bigger and bigger roadblock to living your life.

 

Maybe that is your reality, but I tend to think it’s not. I believe you when you say you’re high functioning. By elaborating too much, however, I think you risk making your autism sound like a REALLY BIG DEAL and scaring a guy off. Like I said, it’s overwhelming. Smaller doses are easier to manage. I would imagine that’s something you can relate to?

Most people though have a massive misconception of what high functioning is. Most people assume it is a neurotypical with some quirks . But that is not it at all.

This is ASD LEVEL 1

Requires Supports:

Without supports in place, deficits in social communication cause noticeable impairments. Difficulty initiating social interactions, and clear examples of atypical or unsuccessful response to social overtures of others. May appear to have decreased interest in social interactions. For example, a person who is able to speak in full sentences and engages in communication but whose to- and-fro conversation with others fails, and whose attempts to make friends are odd and typically unsuccessful.

Inflexibility of behavior causes significant interference with functioning in one or more contexts. Difficulty switching between activities. Problems of organization and planning hamper independence.

 

Both glitter and my son fall into this category. ALL autistic people require some kind of support due to deficits and challenges. There is the misconception that high functioning don’t require any support which they absolutely do .

Even Amethyst in the video is supported by her husband Marvin . He does most things for her so she can be an advocate.

[glitterfingers]

To be very clear, Level 1 - high functioning - means you have a high level of verbal and behavioural functioning, as compared to Level 2 (limited use of vocabulary, more severe behavioural/sensory problems, often intellectual disability) and Level 3 (nonverbal, the most severe 'autistic' behavioural/sensory problems, usually intellectual disability but not always). Level 2/3 are low functioning

 

High functioning does not mean a highly functional human being. That is the colloquial interpretation, but it is not the clinical one. In order to be diagnosed, you will be impaired in some areas

And those areas require accommodations in order to live a more normal, stress-free life

 

Plus the classic autistic behaviours will still occur, those aren't really impairments. (e.g.) I flick my fingers, wiggle my toes, flinch/twitch my face, draw patterns with my fingers, make 'pop' sounds with my mouth, jump up/run/climb things when I'm happy, repetitively click/tap things. I know enough not to do it too much in public

[Seraphim]

To be very clear, Level 1 - high functioning - means you have a high level of verbal and behavioural functioning, as compared to Level 2 (limited use of vocabulary, more severe behavioural/sensory problems, often intellectual disability) and Level 3 (nonverbal, the most severe 'autistic' behavioural/sensory problems, usually intellectual disability but not always). Level 2/3 are low functioning

 

High functioning does not mean a highly functional human being. That is the colloquial interpretation, but it is not the clinical one. In order to be diagnosed, you will be impaired in some areas

And those areas require accommodations in order to live a more normal, stress-free life

 

Exactly. It means you have a greater degree of spoken language and fewer behavioural deficits . However, just because you have a full range of spoken language doesn’t mean you know what the Hells going on or that you can get along in the world on your own .

 

High functioning which is actually a bad way of terming it means that you have a full range of language and fewer behavioural problems than the other levels of ASD it doesn’t mean that you’re a non-autistic person .

[glitterfingers]

Exactly. It means you have a greater degree of spoken language and fewer behavioural deficits . However, just because you have a full range of spoken language doesn’t mean you know what the Hells going on or that you can get along in the world on your own .

 

High functioning which is actually a bad way of terming it means that you have a full range of language and fewer behavioural problems than the other levels of ASD it doesn’t mean that you’re a non-autistic person .

 

Yes. I thought about using Asperger's (occasionally I do) but people see Aspergers the same way they see high functioning autism. Or Aspergers is deemed even more "high functioning"

[Seraphim]

Yes. I thought about using Asperger's (occasionally I do) but people see Aspergers the same way they see high functioning autism. Or Aspergers is deemed even more "high functioning"

 

It is deemed “ more high functioning “. ( according to many people who don’t understand the condition )But as we know people don’t even know what high functioning means . It means you have a command of language and you’re not in a constant meltdown or constant stim. Aspergers is ASD level one under the DSM-V .

[mustlovedogs]

Overwhelming because this turned in to an 8 page thread where I was thrown facts and misconceptions from every angle. Why would I think you would approach a SO any differently than you do here?

 

My point has been and remains: this is overwhelming. You saying you don’t go in to details doesn’t change what IS happening: you going in to detail. What you posted, what I said sounds good, I like that approach.

 

Make no mistake. I do not think discussing AUTISM is overwhelming.

 

Getting thrown facts is. Starting what I think is a simpler discussion and getting told all the ways I’m wrong is. If you had Parkinson’s or MS or cancer or depression or anything else, my answer would stay the same. You’ve had your whole life to learn and process this. All I’m saying is give your partner time to digest. Time to read up on their own. Time to process on their own terms.

 

It’s also frustrating that both you and Seraphim take one line out of a whole post and take that to mean my whole point. I’m sorry I misunderstood what high functioning meant, but don’t you see my point stays the same?