Disclosing personal information in dating

[glitterfingers]

Glitter fingers, I think I have suffered from anxiety for most of my life, but I am able to work although recently I became overwhelmed when I had 4 part-time jobs, and I found that I had too much to remember, and with anxiety was having a lot if forgetfulness which was causing increasing problems for me.

For a lot if us, self-improvement is life-long. I am in my 50s. I have recently acknowledged to myself that sometimes I am impulsive. I may get an idea which I think is really good, and act on it without thinking it out properly, and then regret it later. I'm also regretful that recently, I was very direct, though I wouldn't say that I was rude, about 2 matters which I'm thinking I would have been better to have not responded to - at least for now. I need to find a balance between procrastinating and over-thinking or else making decisions too quickly and acting on them. I would say that the biggest step is recognising these traits within ourselves and having an awareness if them - how they can affect others as well as ourselves. For me, I have to get the right tempo in my life - I am much better when I am not rushing and when I am organised.

 

100%. I am and will continue to be in a life-long battle with my brain. I constantly second-guess and check myself on things - this guy I'm seeing thinks I'm really insecure with low self-esteem (and probably a little self-absorbed). That doesn't give an accurate picture. My self-consciousness is self-awareness, ultimately more for other people's benefit (and reduces the likelihood of social rejection for me)

 

People act like self-consciousness is a bad thing but I swear it's an adaptive survival mechanism

Double standards. Be confident with who you are! But ... don't be like that

[Seraphim]

Then he needs educating.

[boltnrun]

I actually like to have information because then I try harder to relate to people in a way that I hope will be successful.

 

For example, I was called upon to train a new employee in my department. I carefully went over procedures with him. The next day, he didn't know how to even begin the procedures we'd gone over the previous night. I thought, well, it's all new, I'll just go over it again with him and invite questions. The third night, he still didn't even know how to begin. Same with the fourth. And so on, for about 5 weeks. To be honest, I began to get frustrated. He started writing himself virtual sticky notes but never seemed to read or refer to them. Then one night, I'm ashamed to admit I lost my patience with him. He claimed to have no idea how to do something we'd gone over at least a dozen times and I strongly reminded him of this. He then began to cry while I felt like the meanest person in the world. He then lowered his head and, in a low voice, told me "I have trouble with written instructions. They don't make any sense to me. And I have trouble remembering verbal instructions. The only way I can learn is if someone shows me." I felt even worse. I wish he'd told me because I would have gladly adjusted my training methods to whatever worked for him. For instance, I learn by writing things down. And I would have been happy to show him without using words because he said that works best for him. But I have to wonder if he'd been mocked or made to be ashamed when he'd disclosed this in the past, and that's why he didn't want to tell me, particularly since our department requires us to teach other employees how to work in all of the various processes.

 

I have self-diagnosed with some form of attention deficiency because at home I have trouble completing chores. I always have something like a dozen half-finished chores because every time I start one I see something else that needs to be done so I start that new chore, then inevitably I see something else needing to be done, so I start that, and so on and so on and so on. Interestingly, at work I don't have this issue.

 

Anyway, I've hesitated to date because I have several medical conditions that require me to severely restrict my diet, PLUS as soon as I eat I have to make a beeline to the restroom to evacuate the contents of the previous day's meals. And that always takes me about 15-20 minutes. I can't imagine asking a date to wait 20 minutes while I take a massive dump lol!

[abitbroken]

100%. I am and will continue to be in a life-long battle with my brain. I constantly second-guess and check myself on things - this guy I'm seeing thinks I'm really insecure with low self-esteem (and probably a little self-absorbed). That doesn't give an accurate picture. My self-consciousness is self-awareness, ultimately more for other people's benefit (and reduces the likelihood of social rejection for me)

 

People act like self-consciousness is a bad thing but I swear it's an adaptive survival mechanism

Double standards. Be confident with who you are! But ... don't be like that

 

having low self esteem is not being confident about who you are.

 

I am on the spectrum and if people think you are self absorbed, insecure and have low self esteem, you can learn to not come off that way if its not really true (though some people can be self absorbed and it has nothing to do with their diagnosis, but their personality).

 

If people think you have low self esteem and are self absorbed, can you practice making eye contact more and better with people? It shows interest in what they have to say and it may mean that you have to say in your brain "okay, make eye contact while he is talking" if its not natural. Can you practice giving him time to be center stage in conversation - ask him how his day went and take space to listen, or ask about his hobbies without babblng on about random topics and making him feel like you are not listening and don't care and only care about you? There is body language you can remind yourself of to show interest and concern.

[glitterfingers]

My brain is an adhd brain, which is not the same but I realize has presented me with some similar challenges.

 

Just so everyone understands, I didn’t mean to make it out like ASD is in a league of its own, it was just certain comments about how to handle disclosure and social interaction which became offensive. ASD involves communication difficulties which make it difficult to gauge whether I’ve explained myself properly. So even with the best of intentions, I wouldn’t be able to avoid over- or under-explaining things at times, and a whole variety of other social issues which I can’t avoid because ASD is not just social awkwardness

 

The idea that dominating a conversation (classic HFA trait) is self-absorbed just set me off. I do my best, and usually err on the side of saying too little, which creates just as many issues/misunderstandings. The onus is completely on me to explain these things, as otherwise...clashes occur

 

I really appreciate everyone else’s disclosure here. I learn a LOT from these forums

 

Managing myself - my time, my money, and my emotions, is not my strong suit. Those essential traits are primary in relationships of all kinds and seem like basic skills to most. To me I value them less than the substance of someone's thoughts, ideas, values... probably as a way to avoid devaluing myself.

 

For most, it isn't either/or. They expect values AND self-management, as they should. So, in my 50s, I am learning more and more.

 

How I view others is cockeyed, because I know how meaningless punctuality is in my life and was in my family's life as a child. I know how emotions can blow through a place and then poof, be gone. I focus on people's intentions. This leads me down many wrong paths, and undervalues the clarity of delivering the bottom line. (I am learning, Batya!)

 

I find I tell people readily about adhd. It scares some people. I had a business associate once use adhd repetitively as a disparaging trait -- I hoped I hadn't mentioned it to him before! I am sure it has truncated some relationships.

 

And adhd as compared to asp is an easier story to tell.

 

It is a part of us, whatever we are. How our brains are mapped differently fascinates me. How wee absorb some chemicals more quickly or less so, and how that chemical impacts thoughts and emotions - fascinating! I try to anchor it in a neurology discussion. It helps point up the fact that everyone is made a certain way, making it about strengths and weaknesses. I remind people that the non-seeing often have extraordinary abilities to hear.

 

What else can we do but educate.

 

BTW re library exit, I tell people that I am jumpy. I use text a lot. It helps me fill in the blanks. Social interaction in the moment overwhelms my ability to intake and process.

 

ADHD may be more easy to explain, but still carries plenty of misconceptions. The guy I'm seeing said he thought you just couldn't pay attention at all. I'm like, no... my attention span is great, when I am interested in someone/something. It's directing attention to anything else which is hard

[abitbroken]

My self-consciousness is self-awareness, ultimately more for other people's benefit (and reduces the likelihood of social rejection for me)

 

People act like self-consciousness is a bad thing but I swear it's an adaptive survival mechanism

Double standards. Be confident with who you are! But ... don't be like that

 

self awarness and self consciousness are different things. Being self conscious is being nervous --- the girl who wants to throw on 40 baggy sweaters because her body has started to change and she is self conscious about it. Self awareness is being aware of your behavior and your actions.

[glitterfingers]

Then he needs educating.

 

I am realising your wisdom more and more, and deeply thankful for it

 

Just that in the early stages, being labelled "insecure" is easier to deal with than being labelled autistic

[glitterfingers]

I actually like to have information because then I try harder to relate to people in a way that I hope will be successful.

 

For example, I was called upon to train a new employee in my department. I carefully went over procedures with him. The next day, he didn't know how to even begin the procedures we'd gone over the previous night. I thought, well, it's all new, I'll just go over it again with him and invite questions. The third night, he still didn't even know how to begin. Same with the fourth. And so on, for about 5 weeks. To be honest, I began to get frustrated. He started writing himself virtual sticky notes but never seemed to read or refer to them. Then one night, I'm ashamed to admit I lost my patience with him. He claimed to have no idea how to do something we'd gone over at least a dozen times and I strongly reminded him of this. He then began to cry while I felt like the meanest person in the world. He then lowered his head and, in a low voice, told me "I have trouble with written instructions. They don't make any sense to me. And I have trouble remembering verbal instructions. The only way I can learn is if someone shows me." I felt even worse. I wish he'd told me because I would have gladly adjusted my training methods to whatever worked for him. For instance, I learn by writing things down. And I would have been happy to show him without using words because he said that works best for him. But I have to wonder if he'd been mocked or made to be ashamed when he'd disclosed this in the past, and that's why he didn't want to tell me, particularly since our department requires us to teach other employees how to work in all of the various processes.

 

I've had this problem a lot at work - I get trained verbally and shown things, but I only really understand written instructions. When I've asked to be trained in a certain way, people get indignant "I train how I train, it's your job to learn". Also because I lack an understanding of what they've expected me to do, but haven't explicitly told me to do. It just gets really hard, he probably has been bullied a lot because people assume it's intentional and he's lazy etc. Sometimes disclosing difficulties doesn't make things better, it just makes people think "The world doesn't revolve around how you prefer things, you have to adapt to new situations" and yeah that's just not always possible

 

When people do respond with empathy, it makes everything better... so don't feel too bad :)

 

I have self-diagnosed with some form of attention deficiency because at home I have trouble completing chores. I always have something like a dozen half-finished chores because every time I start one I see something else that needs to be done so I start that new chore, then inevitably I see something else needing to be done, so I start that, and so on and so on and so on. Interestingly, at work I don't have this issue.

 

Anyway, I've hesitated to date because I have several medical conditions that require me to severely restrict my diet, PLUS as soon as I eat I have to make a beeline to the restroom to evacuate the contents of the previous day's meals. And that always takes me about 15-20 minutes. I can't imagine asking a date to wait 20 minutes while I take a massive dump lol!

 

I did laugh a bit at this. That would be really uncomfortable to deal with lol

 

I am a picky eater so eating on dates is difficult for me also. I just suggest other activities or make excuses

[abitbroken]

I've had this problem a lot at work - I get trained verbally and shown things, but I only really understand written instructions. When I've asked to be trained in a certain way, people get indignant "I train how I train, it's your job to learn". Also because I lack an understanding of what they've expected me to do, but haven't explicitly told me to do.

 

If you only learn from written instructions, when they train you, you take a notepad and you write things down. And then you can repeat and say "is that correct?" They are right to train you how they train you - not everyone provides paper copy of everything. This is part of being a grownup on the spectrum -- you said you are "self aware" - so that is an example of being self aware and adapting.

[glitterfingers]

having low self esteem is not being confident about who you are.

 

I am on the spectrum and if people think you are self absorbed, insecure and have low self esteem, you can learn to not come off that way if its not really true (though some people can be self absorbed and it has nothing to do with their diagnosis, but their personality).

 

If people think you have low self esteem and are self absorbed, can you practice making eye contact more and better with people? It shows interest in what they have to say and it may mean that you have to say in your brain "okay, make eye contact while he is talking" if its not natural. Can you practice giving him time to be center stage in conversation - ask him how his day went and take space to listen, or ask about his hobbies without babblng on about random topics and making him feel like you are not listening and don't care and only care about you? There is body language you can remind yourself of to show interest and concern.

 

I'm actually quite a good listener, I guess I prefer to listen rather than say the wrong thing by accident. With this guy, conversation is probably split 70/30 in his favour. So I am not self-absorbed in that sense. I just worry that I only talk about me or things that impact me personally, or ask him questions about what he's said, whereas he talks very generally and about other people and not that much about himself

 

self awarness and self consciousness are different things. Being self conscious is being nervous --- the girl who wants to throw on 40 baggy sweaters because her body has started to change and she is self conscious about it. Self awareness is being aware of your behavior and your actions.

 

I am also self conscious because I'm afraid of appearing different to others

[glitterfingers]

If you only learn from written instructions, when they train you, you take a notepad and you write things down. And then you can repeat and say "is that correct?" They are right to train you how they train you - not everyone provides paper copy of everything. This is part of being a grownup on the spectrum -- you said you are "self aware" - so that is an example of being self aware and adapting.

 

I have done that in the past, it's a lot more complicated than that. I also have to get people to repeat things verbally, slowly, since I have an auditory processing condition. And if we're being trained in a group, or on the job, it gets very difficult, and their response is to micromanage me into their way of training. Eventually I stop resisting, at the expense of my own learning. It's either comply or create conflict

 

Either way, I usually get through the initial training. But it sets the stage for issues that crop up on the job, like the unspoken implications of certain instructions and social politics

 

I am self-aware enough to know that I need to find a job where training places emphasis on already-acquired technical skills. Hence why I am getting an education

[boltnrun]

We have a saying at work that I can't disclose, but basically it's considered MY responsibility to make sure the employees are trained. If someone doesn't "get it" I am required to keep trying until they do. No matter what it takes.

 

HR has to get involved whenever we feel we've exhausted all methods and the employee is still struggling. I've coached and re-coached. And since it's important to me for the people to succeed, I really don't mind. No matter what I have to do.

[Seraphim]

I am realising your wisdom more and more, and deeply thankful for it

 

Just that in the early stages, being labelled "insecure" is easier to deal with than being labelled autistic

 

I have taught my son to be proud to be autistic. There would be little innovation in the world without autistic people.

[glitterfingers]

I have taught my son to be proud to be autistic. There would be little innovation in the world without autistic people.

 

Does he talk to people about it?

[Seraphim]

Does he talk to people about it?

 

No. He doesn’t feel the need to. Almost every single person he has social contact with is autistic . Almost all the people in his card clubs. My friend’s daughter etc... and the way he sees it you can’t appreciate him then take a flying leap. He says I live my life on my own terms and people don’t have to like it. Why would people not live on their own terms. It makes no sense. He is very self contained and self content.

[glitterfingers]

No. He doesn’t feel the need to. Almost every single person he has social contact with is autistic . Almost all the people in his card clubs. My friend’s daughter etc... and the way he sees it you can’t appreciate him then take a flying leap. He says I live my life on my own terms and people don’t have to like it. Why would people not live on their own terms. It makes no sense. He is very self contained and self content.

 

He has very supportive parents. He is a very lucky young man

 

My parents are gone so I rely on social connections with people and I haven't found an autistic community here. I try my best to assimilate...sort of like an immigrant, I suppose

[Seraphim]

He has very supportive parents. He is a very lucky young man

 

My parents are gone so I rely on social connections with people and I haven't found an autistic community here. I try my best to assimilate...sort of like an immigrant, I suppose

 

I am sorry you no longer have your parents. :( My son has no siblings so we fear his being alone when we are gone . We bolster him as much as we can. He is totally accepted at home and in the community which he frequents.

[Jibralta]

I have ADHD and it's literally never bothered me. My mom took me to a mental health clinic when I was 7 years old because she thought I was autistic. This was in 1984, and there wasn't a lot out there about ASD (or ADHD for that matter) and who knows, I could be on the ASD spectrum but not diagnosed. I like learning, so I learned how to learn. I don't always fit in with other people, but I've learned how to adapt because it's useful. And I know I can be awkward as hell, but I only care a little bit about that. I'm just not extremely people-oriented. The people who like me really like me. And I like it that way.

 

Anyway, I bring this up because I was really surprised when I was in my 20s and my boyfriend's son felt bad about his ADHD diagnosis. It was like a revelation. I don't know why I've never felt bad about it. But I'm frequently insensitive to things that others are sensitive to. That often leaves me wondering about how I "should" feel. Similarly, I felt like I "should" learn a certain way. I felt like I was supposed to learn things in a certain order--especially with reading, but I could never do it. Instead, I kept skipping around. But now I realize that my brain works the way that it works--and it works just fine. Unfortunately, it violated most school curriculums and drove my teachers crazy.

 

I recently mentioned to a coworker that I had ADHD. I was making a joke about it, but he looked like I'd just disclosed some upsetting information. I think he even said something like, "I never would have known." This was a 60-year old man, so I didn't expect that reaction. I wanted to question him about it, like, "What do you think ADHD is?" but I didn't want to make him feel even more awkward. I almost don't believe in ADHD. This is just who I am and how I get around. I think that if we didn't have institutions, ADHD would probably be undetectable because there would be no social order to offend.

[Seraphim]

My husband has severe ADHD and he is quite successful. My son was misdiagnosed ADHD initially.

[glitterfingers]

There is an interesting correlation between ADHD and ASD… many people with ASD have ADHD.

 

ADHD is thought to affect the neurotransmitter dopamine. ADHD medication works on dopamine, and myself and others I know with ADHD have benefited hugely from medication. So I don’t question that it’s legitimate for some people

 

But dopamine also plays a role in motivation and reward-seeking. So, I really like music for example, it makes my brain buzz. Music is correlated with reward/pleasure (dopamine). In short, there seems to be a causal link for seeking certain stimuli repetitively, which is a part of ASD. I don’t know what the link is, but dopamine would explain it. It could be that some aspects of ASD are related to ADHD... we have both in our family as well (one brother with ASD, and another with ADHD)

 

Anyway, I digress…

 

Having a mild panic attack because I just googled “Autism community” where I live and then left the room briefly with the google page open. My housemate and three of her friends were lingering around when I returned

[Seraphim]

If they say anything educate. If they are rude, you can’t fix stupid.

[glitterfingers]

If they say anything educate. If they are rude, you can’t fix stupid.

 

Very true

[IAmFCA]

Just so everyone understands, I didn’t mean to make it out like ASD is in a league of its own, it was just certain comments about how to handle disclosure and social interaction which became offensive. ASD involves communication difficulties which make it difficult to gauge whether I’ve explained myself properly. So even with the best of intentions, I wouldn’t be able to avoid over- or under-explaining things at times, and a whole variety of other social issues which I can’t avoid because ASD is not just social awkwardness

 

The idea that dominating a conversation (classic HFA trait) is self-absorbed just set me off. I do my best, and usually err on the side of saying too little, which creates just as many issues/misunderstandings. The onus is completely on me to explain these things, as otherwise...clashes occur

 

I really appreciate everyone else’s disclosure here. I learn a LOT from these forums

 

 

 

ADHD may be more easy to explain, but still carries plenty of misconceptions. The guy I'm seeing said he thought you just couldn't pay attention at all. I'm like, no... my attention span is great, when I am interested in someone/something. It's directing attention to anything else which is hard

 

My own well educated GP said, "I don't get it. When I can't get all my stuff done, I just stay up later that day." (rolls eyes) I'm trying to learn to tell people, imagine losing focus every. three. words.

[IAmFCA]

There is an interesting correlation between ADHD and ASD… many people with ASD have ADHD.

 

ADHD is thought to affect the neurotransmitter dopamine. ADHD medication works on dopamine, and myself and others I know with ADHD have benefited hugely from medication. So I don’t question that it’s legitimate for some people

 

But dopamine also plays a role in motivation and reward-seeking. So, I really like music for example, it makes my brain buzz. Music is correlated with reward/pleasure (dopamine). In short, there seems to be a causal link for seeking certain stimuli repetitively, which is a part of ASD. I don’t know what the link is, but dopamine would explain it. It could be that some aspects of ASD are related to ADHD... we have both in our family as well (one brother with ASD, and another with ADHD)

 

Anyway, I digress…

 

Having a mild panic attack because I just googled “Autism community” where I live and then left the room briefly with the google page open. My housemate and three of her friends were lingering around when I returned

 

OH I am so glad you wrote this! I often think about all the ways we seek immediate stimulation. The dopamine uptake fascinates, what we will do in search of more dopamine. It is so dang logical. I think also about how I am extroverted, but struggle to string words together and love a weekend with no friends or family on my calendar. Self isolation is my bae.

[IAmFCA]

I have ADHD and it's literally never bothered me. My mom took me to a mental health clinic when I was 7 years old because she thought I was autistic. This was in 1984, and there wasn't a lot out there about ASD (or ADHD for that matter) and who knows, I could be on the ASD spectrum but not diagnosed. I like learning, so I learned how to learn. I don't always fit in with other people, but I've learned how to adapt because it's useful. And I know I can be awkward as hell, but I only care a little bit about that. I'm just not extremely people-oriented. The people who like me really like me. And I like it that way.

 

Anyway, I bring this up because I was really surprised when I was in my 20s and my boyfriend's son felt bad about his ADHD diagnosis. It was like a revelation. I don't know why I've never felt bad about it. But I'm frequently insensitive to things that others are sensitive to. That often leaves me wondering about how I "should" feel. Similarly, I felt like I "should" learn a certain way. I felt like I was supposed to learn things in a certain order--especially with reading, but I could never do it. Instead, I kept skipping around. But now I realize that my brain works the way that it works--and it works just fine. Unfortunately, it violated most school curriculums and drove my teachers crazy.

 

I recently mentioned to a coworker that I had ADHD. I was making a joke about it, but he looked like I'd just disclosed some upsetting information. I think he even said something like, "I never would have known." This was a 60-year old man, so I didn't expect that reaction. I wanted to question him about it, like, "What do you think ADHD is?" but I didn't want to make him feel even more awkward. I almost don't believe in ADHD. This is just who I am and how I get around. I think that if we didn't have institutions, ADHD would probably be undetectable because there would be no social order to offend.

 

Co signing this whole post. I never knew i was adhd, always thought i was smart and different and that my difference is my value add and my charm. I went to the movies tonight with a man I've met only once before. He said, You're a strange person. I said, Thank you. lol.