Disclosing personal information in dating

[glitterfingers]

This is just my opinion, but I wouldn’t want a big show to reveal your diagnosis - especially if it isn’t super obvious.

 

I would want it presented to me over dinner, something casual, with the big discussion only if probed. “Hey hun, I’ve been meaning to tell you this but I wanted to wait till the right time. This is my diagnosis, and at a high level it means this, that, and the other.”

 

And then answer questions.

 

I may sound insensitive, but I find it offputting and annoying when people define themselves by their diagnosis. Being prepared to practically provide a medical lecture feels self centered in some ways to me. Almost attention seeking. I know that sounds bad to say, but my perception is someone who wants to discuss their diagnosis in depth comes off to me as someone who wants attention and sympathy.

 

Like I said, hit the high notes and discuss more if asked.

 

If you are in a situation where your symptoms are more prevalent, you can mention it then.

 

Thank you so much. This is probably my biggest insecurity. I know I get caught up in my own mind often and tend to perseverate in thought/speech, so I worry that I appear self-centred. That's why I would rather limit the self-disclosure and find other topics to talk about

 

Your solution is very tactful in that regard

[mustlovedogs]

Don’t worry about feeling self centered, just remember that no one likes hearing about ailments. It’s fine for a bit but it’s like reminiscing about an ex... gets old after not too long :)

 

Remember this, too - he’s stuck with you this long. If you had any glaring deal breakers in your personality, he would’ve seen them by now. So stay confident with that.

[Seraphim]

The thing is though it is not an "ailment" but a different way of being.

[dias]

Thank you so much. This is probably my biggest insecurity. I know I get caught up in my own mind often and tend to perseverate in thought/speech, so I worry that I appear self-centred. That's why I would rather limit the self-disclosure and find other topics to talk about

 

Your solution is very tactful in that regard

I agree with MLD. Don't make it a big deal because since you are highly functional it isn't. Be confident of who you are. Some people will walk away, some will stay. In the end, who doesn't have flaws?

[mustlovedogs]

The thing is though it is not an "ailment" but a different way of being.

 

Yesterday was a rough day so I couldn’t find the right words to use, my apologies

[glitterfingers]

Yesterday was a rough day so I couldn’t find the right words to use, my apologies

 

I think what she may mean is that autism isn't a mental illness, it's a pervasive neurodevelopmental condition which means that being different affects most parts of a person's life. This is why some conditions are a bit more defining for people than others

 

But I agree that for a neurotypical person who can't see the symptoms it would be uncomfortable to have them pointed out and elaborated on, because to you they are just differences like people who prefer vanilla over chocolate

[DarkShadows549]

Honestly, it'd be better if he found out later down the road rather than soon. Finding out soon might cause him to unfairly judge you before you really KNOWS knows you. If he finds out a later time from now, after a while of being around you, he'll probably think "wow, I never even noticed." This is a good thing.

[Jibralta]

I think what she may mean is that autism isn't a mental illness, it's a pervasive neurodevelopmental condition which means that being different affects most parts of a person's life. This is why some conditions are a bit more defining for people than others

 

But I agree that for a neurotypical person who can't see the symptoms it would be uncomfortable to have them pointed out and elaborated on, because to you they are just differences like people who prefer vanilla over chocolate

 

I think gist of what mustlovedogs was trying to say earlier was that it's not a good idea to lead with an insecurity. Whether it is a neurodevelopmental condition, a mental illness, or even just an imaginary shortcoming, when you paint yourself with that big brush you are almost limiting the outcome.

[Silverbirch]

I thought you said that you are upfront about the ways you are affected by autism - you just haven't provided him with "the label" yet. I'm fascinated by Temple Grandin and read some books by another woman who is actually quite different in some ways to Temple Grandin. I will check her name, but i remember her first name is Lianne. If this man shares your scientific interests, he may well be a very good match. I think you should wait for 3 months, then re-evaluate before telling him about "the label", but continue to be quite upfront about yourself. The woman I refer to is very happily married with 4 children. I will find her and provide a link.

[Silverbirch]

I hope this link works. I read this woman's autobiography and some other books she wrote a few years ago. loved them and her! I wonder if you might find answers from her. I suppose that it's about working out which risks you want to take.

 

http://www.aspie.com

[glitterfingers]

I thought you said that you are upfront about the ways you are affected by autism - you just haven't provided him with "the label" yet. I'm fascinated by Temple Grandin and read some books by another woman who is actually quite different in some ways to Temple Grandin. I will check her name, but i remember her first name is Lianne. If this man shares your scientific interests, he may well be a very good match. I think you should wait for 3 months, then re-evaluate before telling him about "the label", but continue to be quite upfront about yourself. The woman I refer to is very happily married with 4 children. I will find her and provide a link.

 

Thanks :) I have read Lianne Halliday's books, and some of Temple Grandin's work (but can't stomach some of the stuff about slaughtering animals). I have books on my bookshelf about autistic people, he asked me about one last night..think I'll have to hide them, and my Kindle

 

I am upfront about my quirks, but I have given other excuses for them like introversion, giftedness, ADHD. Some of the more difficult symptoms generally aren't apparent at first because they tend to be circumstantial. I'm not sure I would want to wait that long to disclose

 

He is great and we do have plenty in common. I agree that I'll wait and try my best to minimise the difficulties with ASD, and help him understand how ASD can affect different people differently. I'm good with social cues but not good with warmth/emotional reciprocity, so that's my biggest concern right now, because he seems consistently unsure how I feel about him. Relationships are hard

[glitterfingers]

I hope this link works. I read this woman's autobiography and some other books she wrote a few years ago. loved them and her! I wonder if you might find answers from her. I suppose that it's about working out which risks you want to take.

 

http://www.aspie.com

 

I really admire those people in the autistic community who are comfortable with disclosure and advocacy. Another great one is Amethyst Schaber on YouTube

[Silverbirch]

I really admire those people in the autistic community who are comfortable with disclosure and advocacy. Another great one is Amethyst Schaber on YouTube

 

Oh yes, I saw some of Amethyst YouTube. 8m quite certain I was linked to her through another member here. I so admire what Temple Grandin has achieved for animal rights through her work. Myers, some of it is terrible. She had me in tears through my admiration for her when she climbed into the sheep dipping vat to understand what the animals were experiencing. I've seen one of her cocos too.

 

Both of those women seem very different somehow to me - but I admire them equally. Did you notice they are both gifted with horses and animals?

[Silverbirch]

actually, did you see the movie of Temple Grandins life starting Clare Danes. She played the role very well - I was surprised at the likeness and the good acting.

[mustlovedogs]

Have you ever done Myers Briggs?

 

My best friend is INTJ I think. Anyway she’s not warm, she’s introverted, can be a bit awkward, etc. she definitely isn’t on the autism spectrum though.

 

What I’m saying is people are all different. Neurotypicals aren’t all the same. So if you’re symptoms aren’t obvious, they aren’t obvious. No reason to make a big deal out of it. What you describe sounds like some of the engineers I went to school with. Maybe they are on the spectrum, and maybe not. But it doesn’t matter because I get along with them.

[glitterfingers]

Oh yes, I saw some of Amethyst YouTube. 8m quite certain I was linked to her through another member here. I so admire what Temple Grandin has achieved for animal rights through her work. Myers, some of it is terrible. She had me in tears through my admiration for her when she climbed into the sheep dipping vat to understand what the animals were experiencing. I've seen one of her cocos too.

 

Both of those women seem very different somehow to me - but I admire them equally. Did you notice they are both gifted with horses and animals?

 

Yeah, autism is very diverse in its presentation. I notice a lot of autistic people bond particularly well with animals.. animals are simpler

 

actually, did you see the movie of Temple Grandins life starting Clare Danes. She played the role very well - I was surprised at the likeness and the good acting.

 

I haven't seen that movie but I would watch it when I get a bit more free time from uni. Thank you for the recommendation :)

[glitterfingers]

Have you ever done Myers Briggs?

 

My best friend is INTJ I think. Anyway she’s not warm, she’s introverted, can be a bit awkward, etc. she definitely isn’t on the autism spectrum though.

 

What I’m saying is people are all different. Neurotypicals aren’t all the same. So if you’re symptoms aren’t obvious, they aren’t obvious. No reason to make a big deal out of it. What you describe sounds like some of the engineers I went to school with. Maybe they are on the spectrum, and maybe not. But it doesn’t matter because I get along with them.

 

Do you know what the difference is between someone who is introverted and socially awkward, and someone who is on the autism spectrum?

[mustlovedogs]

Do you know what the difference is between someone who is introverted and socially awkward, and someone who is on the autism spectrum?

 

Maybe I don’t. I don’t know and frankly I don’t care. I don’t care if the people I enjoy to hang out with are on the spectrum or not. But that’s my point. I can’t tell if you’re going to lecture me about what autism looks like or something else, but my point is being proven right here. I personally don’t care about the diagnosis. Literally not one bit at all. If I enjoy your company that’s enough. It’s valid to still TELL someone, but to expect to have a whole unveiling and discussion is crazy to me.

[Seraphim]

I really admire those people in the autistic community who are comfortable with disclosure and advocacy. Another great one is Amethyst Schaber on YouTube

 

I used to watch Amethyst until she got more anti NT. But I love her explanations

[glitterfingers]

I used to watch Amethyst until she got more anti NT. But I love her explanations

 

I didn't notice she was anti-NT, but I can see that she does have a bit of an "Us against them" mentality, if that's what you mean

 

My favourite by far is the TED talk by Rosie King. Particularly the part about her inner world being more real than the outer world. I think that is an important thing to understand about ASD

[Seraphim]

I didn't notice she was anti-NT, but I can see that she does have a bit of an "Us against them" mentality, if that's what you mean

 

My favourite by far is the TED talk by Rosie King. Particularly the part about her inner world being more real than the outer world. I think that is an important thing to understand about ASD

Absolutely,I know Rosie! Yes, the US AGAINST THEM with Amethyst lately. Yes, inner life is very important to my son as well.

[glitterfingers]

Maybe I don’t. I don’t know and frankly I don’t care. I don’t care if the people I enjoy to hang out with are on the spectrum or not. But that’s my point. I can’t tell if you’re going to lecture me about what autism looks like or something else, but my point is being proven right here. I personally don’t care about the diagnosis. Literally not one bit at all. If I enjoy your company that’s enough. It’s valid to still TELL someone, but to expect to have a whole unveiling and discussion is crazy to me.

 

I know what your point is, it's an oft-repeated one borne from the sentiment that inclusivity of differences means ignoring/minimising them. Frankly, I think it's a bit misguided and offensive - that's not to say that I am personally offended. I am used to it. But to give you an idea, could you imagine saying to a friend of a different race or sexual orientation, "I don't know what it's like to be black/gay/transgender and frankly I don't care". The point is that being different does make it difficult to integrate into society, I have to work twice as hard as you to be accepted and appear like a normal person lest I be stereotyped and stigmatised. I work hard so that others don't feel uncomfortable with the fact that I am inherently, innately different from them. And I consider myself very lucky that I am able to do this

 

I'm not asking you to care about a diagnosis. I'm suggesting that you might care about the struggles associated with being different. It is a part of my identity just as much as someone's culture or gender is. It also means that life has its own set of unique (daily, sometimes hourly) challenges and my worldview is very strongly tied to navigating those challenges. This becomes relevant when you get into a close relationship and integrate your life with someone - the other person will inadvertently end up affected directly or indirectly

 

If you ever get into a relationship with someone who has a disability, I think you would care

[Seraphim]

I know what your point is, it's an oft-repeated one borne from the sentiment that inclusivity of differences means ignoring/minimising them. Frankly, I think it's a bit misguided and offensive - that's not to say that I am personally offended. I am used to it. But to give you an idea, could you imagine saying to a friend of a different race or sexual orientation, "I don't know what it's like to be black/gay/transgender and frankly I don't care". The point is that being different does make it difficult to integrate into society, I have to work twice as hard as you to be accepted and appear like a normal person lest I be stereotyped and stigmatised. I work hard so that others don't feel uncomfortable with the fact that I am inherently, innately different from them. And I consider myself very lucky that I am able to do this

 

I'm not asking you to care about a diagnosis. I'm suggesting that you might care about the struggles associated with being different. It is a part of my identity just as much as someone's culture or gender is. It also means that life has its own set of unique (daily, sometimes hourly) challenges and my worldview is very strongly tied to navigating those challenges. This becomes relevant when you get into a close relationship and integrate your life with someone - the other person will inadvertently end up affected directly or indirectly

 

If you ever get into a relationship with someone who has a disability, I think you would care

Absolutely. The autistic community is just as valid as any racial, gender or non gender or whatever community. And we don't tell them I don't care about your struggles.

[glitterfingers]

Absolutely. The autistic community is just as valid as any racial, gender or non gender or whatever community. And we don't tell them I don't care about your struggles.

 

Yes. I do agree, though, that for people who don't live with something that dominates their life to that degree, it can be really difficult to understand what it's like to live with disability or prejudice. I totally appreciate the sentiment behind wanting to see someone who is different as equal. It's just that inclusivity doesn't erase the struggles, and the struggles impact the person and their loved ones

 

So I can see how disclosure needs to be handled tactfully because it is confronting. I wish it were as simple as being a nonsense label that doesn't require a heavy conversation, but eventually heavy conversations will be necessary

[Silverbirch]

Hi Glitterfingers. I thought I would take the liberty to post the trailer to that film. Of course, I realise that how autism is experienced by people is very diverse, so she may be very different to you, but she is a person I like and admire a lot