Opinions please

[SherrySher]

I am curious to know what everyone's opinion is about lying when first starting to date someone.

 

Would you continue dating someone if you found out they lied about themselves or their past to make themselves look better?

 

It could be anything from lying about things they've done or how many sexual partners they've had and so on.

 

I realize that when we first start dating someone we want to come off as good as possible but would you be willing to lie if you thought your date wouldn't like something in your past?

 

And lastly, how important is this kind of lying to you? Does it show someone's character or could be a red flag down the line? Is lying ever okay?

[pippy longstocking]

Hi darling xx

 

It would depend for me on how big this tale telling was , I have been with someone who exaggerated so much it got to the point were if he said 40 I would presume he meant 20 !

 

I think out and out lies would put me off .

[Capricorn3]

I don't have a huge issue with "little white lies" ........ such as if someone asks you if you think they look good in the new dress they bought and you say yes, even though you don't really like it at all, but you don't want to hurt their feelings etc. (Personally, I tend to tell the person that I don't think it suits them and the other dress looks better on them and let them decide which to choose). Basically, small harmless "lies" .... which I think pretty much everyone on the planet has lied in their lifetime.

 

On the other hand, I detest liars, people who lie about important things. I think it shows poor character. I once knew a guy who was a pathological liar - he lied about everything to the point he actually believed his own lies. It was fascinating - he couldn't tell the difference between truth and lies. It was mind blowing.

 

So No. I am not crazy about liars, but that's just me.

[ArianaTanmi]

One guy asked me out and after 2 moths of dating I was presented with a fact he lied about his nationality, family members (there were no brothers, just one sister) and profession. It was a total take off. So I think it depends on what are people lie about. If these facts are playing an essential role for you (for example, religion or age) then you don’t have to accept their lies. But if it was a small lies about not that important things and he didn’t actually want to mislead you ... these things are quite understandable.

As for me... I can’t barely stand any kind of lies . Once a lier )))

[pippy longstocking]

I once new a guy who was a pathological liar - he lied about everything to the point he actually believed his own lies

 

I started seeing someone who had 1 child .....turns out he had 6 lol

[SherrySher]

Hahaha Pippy...jeez

 

I am one who does not like lies at all. I see no reason for them and for anyone to lie while dating, it's no good is it? You're basically fooling someone on some level and that's not fair.

 

I mean, even white lies, yes I know people do so to stop hurt feelings, but it's still an untruth.

 

I dunno, I guess I just like the plain truth no matter what.

[Starlight925]

No lies for me. I will literally get up in the middle of a date and walk out if I detect a liar. My last relationship was built on lies that I didn't figure out until later, and looking back, my only regret is that I didn't leave when I first uncovered them.

 

That, for me, includes "lying" by posting a really old picture. I met one guy who was unrecognizable, his photo was so old. Another who complained to me how "fat" this one girl was, compared to her photo, but when I pressed him, he admitted that he "fudged" (his word) his age by about 5-7 years. No second date for either.

 

I'm not 10 years younger or 10 lbs. lighter. I post honest, recent photos, and I tell honest stories. I've been married 3 times....yes, 3. When asked, I tell the abridged stories, honestly. I expect the same.

[SherrySher]

I agree all...liars are very difficult to have a relationship with and the bad part is..you never know what's true and what isn't true. And the worst part is the lies could range from then not being honest about a shirt you're wearing, to fooling around with someone. :(

 

I just can't see that lies at the start or any part of a relationship will ever be a healthy one.

[Starlight925]

Funny thing about liars and karma.....my exBF just tried to come back to me....definite no, LOL. But he shared some things about the girl he started dating right after me, and how he stopped seeing her due to her being "crazy". Turns out, she started off with a couple of "small" lies: she lied by 5 years about her age, and she lied and said she was fully divorced when in fact she's still legally married. Turns out, there were so many more lies in store for him, including multiple felony arrests, multiple jail sentences, including thefts, substances, etc. A quick google of her name revealed 4 different mugshots.

 

So, at first, he justified the "little" age lie, then the "slightly bigger" not-yet-divorced lie, but he uncovered so much else, even he had to admit it was too much.

 

So yeah, for me, a lie is a lie is a lie. None of it.

 

And by the way, if I ask someone how I look in something, I want honesty. That's why I'm asking. There's a gentle way to say "You look fat in that", lol, but if it's the truth, I want it.

[SherrySher]

I totally agree LH.

[Liraele]

No lies for me. I will literally get up in the middle of a date and walk out if I detect a liar. My last relationship was built on lies that I didn't figure out until later, and looking back, my only regret is that I didn't leave when I first uncovered them.

 

 

Same. Me. This. Yes.

[j.man]

It would depend on the lie. It'd either have to be something incredibly menial or an resulting from an insecurity I could personally relate to. In either case, she'd have to be a 10 out of 10 with a slice of pizza in one hand and a bottle of bourbon in the other if there's even gonna be a chance I overlook it.

[Annia]

If I found out he was lying about himself to present a better image of himself I'd be very wary. It doesn't mean that he is a manipulative jerk or whatever... he can be a very nice guy who is simply insecure... but I know too good that I can't form good relationships with insecure people to a degree that they feel the need to lie. I have empathy for insecure people since I am one too... but such as I'm working on my issues and trying to be better, I also want someone who deals with their insecurities better than lying.

 

I was also in a situation where he was in fact a manipulative liar, so the "little lies" in the beginning should have been a red flag for me.

 

And like it was said before, I also don't mind with "white little lies" of "you look good in that dress"... but I'll get worried with the type of lies you're talking about.

[SherrySher]

I think it has more to do with lies along the lines of wanting to make themselves look better, pretending to be someone they are not or denying things they've done?

 

Yes, I totally understand that what's past is past, however for whatever reason if the subject comes up, it still seems like a good idea to be an open book and not to pretend or lie.

 

What about the whole reason/excuse that people say they had to lie in order to avoid confrontations?

[boltnrun]

Lying to avoid confrontations is selfish. They just don't want to deal with the other person's reaction. Really bad lies are those where the person says "I just didn't want to upset you!" which really means "I didn't want to deal with your reaction when I told you the truth".

 

No one "has" to lie. You can tell the truth like a grown up, or lie like an immature child.

[AtitAgain]

I never lied to try and portray myself as a better person. However, once in a relationship I have lied to avoid hurting my partner... from small to big lies...

 

Like... "Oh what did you eat today?" (Me being on a diet..."Ahh nothing much..." - Really I had just eaten a ton of Pizza..........I still lost 30lbs this year, and am pretty fit, so yeah. Still a lie though).

 

Bigger lies... 10PM - "Oh, hey, thought you were coming around 8 - is everything okay?" - "Hey sorry, all good... fell asleep.. coming now" - Really was at my ex-wife's house cheating on my gf.................................

 

I am decided to make a 100% turn and never lie again. It breeds nothing but problems, shame, hurt... And from now on I expect the same from those I date.

[SherrySher]

Thank you, Bolt that really is a great answer.

[SherrySher]

Well done AtitAgain...it takes a big person to admit fault and change for the better.

[Imho]

I am curious to know what everyone's opinion is about lying when first starting to date someone.

 

Would you continue dating someone if you found out they lied about themselves or their past to make themselves look better?

 

It could be anything from lying about things they've done or how many sexual partners they've had and so on.

 

I realize that when we first start dating someone we want to come off as good as possible but would you be willing to lie if you thought your date wouldn't like something in your past?

 

And lastly, how important is this kind of lying to you? Does it show someone's character or could be a red flag down the line? Is lying ever okay?

 

I don't believe in "white lies". Lies are lies and a deal breaker for me. I believe that a person should be who they are and let the other person decide if they want to get to know them better or not.

[Imho]

One guy asked me out and after 2 moths of dating I was presented with a fact he lied about his nationality, family members (there were no brothers, just one sister) and profession. It was a total take off. So I think it depends on what are people lie about. If these facts are playing an essential role for you (for example, religion or age) then you don’t have to accept their lies. But if it was a small lies about not that important things and he didn’t actually want to mislead you ... these things are quite understandable.

As for me... I can’t barely stand any kind of lies . Once a lier )))

 

Why lie about something that's not important? If someone lies about something unimportant they will lie about bigger issues.

[Batya33]

I am curious to know what everyone's opinion is about lying when first starting to date someone.

 

Would you continue dating someone if you found out they lied about themselves or their past to make themselves look better?

 

It could be anything from lying about things they've done or how many sexual partners they've had and so on.

 

I realize that when we first start dating someone we want to come off as good as possible but would you be willing to lie if you thought your date wouldn't like something in your past?

 

And lastly, how important is this kind of lying to you? Does it show someone's character or could be a red flag down the line? Is lying ever okay?

 

For me lying about age on an online dating site especially was a dealbreaker as was marital status or what education he finished. Two of my friends are with men who lied to me about their ages. One is married to the guy and the other is engaged. No regrets on my end lol. Another friend married a guy who lied about finishing college at age 16 (or earlier than typical) -he confessed after a few months of dating -he'd been intimidated I guess by how smart she was/educated. They've been married now 22 years. I actually was ok with lying about height to a minor extent because some men aren't sure about their exact height (or got measured in shoes, etc). I was not ok if it was a vast difference.

 

To me it does show someone's character especially if it's about age/marital status etc. I didn't lie about my age on the dating sites although I looked much younger and limited my dating pool by being honest (because I was in my mid 30s and certain men of course wanted a younger woman so that they wouldn't have to rush into having kids)

[Imho]

I never lied to try and portray myself as a better person. However, once in a relationship I have lied to avoid hurting my partner... from small to big lies...

 

Like... "Oh what did you eat today?" (Me being on a diet..."Ahh nothing much..." - Really I had just eaten a ton of Pizza..........I still lost 30lbs this year, and am pretty fit, so yeah. Still a lie though).

 

Bigger lies... 10PM - "Oh, hey, thought you were coming around 8 - is everything okay?" - "Hey sorry, all good... fell asleep.. coming now" - Really was at my ex-wife's house cheating on my gf.................................

 

I am decided to make a 100% turn and never lie again. It breeds nothing but problems, shame, hurt... And from now on I expect the same from those I date.

 

Hi. I read your other posts so I know what you are going through but actually these were lies to portray yourself as a better person. The first portray you as a determined person sticking to your diet but you were really cheating on the diet and the second portray you as a good guy that fell asleep when you really were cheating on your girl. Good luck with that 100% turn around. It can be done.

[Jibralta]

Would you continue dating someone if you found out they lied about themselves or their past to make themselves look better?

 

It would be a nail in the coffin. Maybe not an instantaneous break up, but definitely a strike against them. Lying just complicates things too much.

[limichelle]

Lying is a big pet peeve of mine! It's because I'm open and honest to a fault myself!

 

So lying would be a huge turn off for me!

 

It was with one of my exes. He lives in Santa Monica so we were long distance. He lied about every single thing! Like for instance he had me believing he sent a package and to expect it on a certain date. I stayed home per his instructions because I had to sign for it.

 

He then admitted that night after me asking him over about the so called package I was sure got lost or something. He said there wasn't a package on its way he just wanted me to think I was getting a gift...?

 

He also claimed that Harrison Ford would call him up for a beer.

 

I told my boyfriend now to always be straight up and he has which I love.

 

Yuck why can't people just be themselves and be honest.

[journeynow]

Would you continue dating someone if you found out they lied about themselves or their past to make themselves look better?

 

No. I've been around long enough to realize how ho-hum this is. It does show their character, that they believe looking good is more important than integrity. Why create false expectations, or invest in a relationship with someone who believes you are someone you're not?