We had sex and now I’m lost

[CBC2000]

So in my last thread I talked about my issues with attachment and the guy I’ve been talking to for over a month Who lives in another country, but will be moving to the same state as me later on this year. Anyways so we had sex last week and I haven’t seen him ever since. Before we had sex we went out for a few dates and every day he would make an effort to see me. Since we had sex he calls and texts me everyday, but has not made an effort to hang out with me knowing that he will be going back to his country in a few days. The issue is before he came he made it seem like we would hang out a lot, but now he is saying he can’t because he is with his family. I understand that family is top priority, but I also feel like once he got the sex he just disappeared. He also says that he has a terrible cold that and he doesn’t want to get me sick, that’s another reason why he hasn’t come to see me or let me come see him. This truly hurts me because I feel like I have been used. I have not said anything to him about how I’ve honestly been feeling, every-time he calls I just pretend like nothing is bothering me. What should I do? I’m confused because he calls me and texts me everyday, but I’m not sure what his angle is anymore. Am I just over thinking this or did I get played?

[boltnrun]

Did the two of you discuss being exclusive and in a committed relationship before you had sex?

[CBC2000]

Did the two of you discuss being exclusive and in a committed relationship before you had sex?

 

We talked about how I didn’t want to just have sex with him because as a woman sex is more emotional than physical. He told me that he didn’t want it to be just sex either. He has also been talking about me to his family, I don’t know anyone who would talk about a girl to his family that he is just having sex with

[SweetGirl28]

You just started talking in November, and then he came for a visit.

Not judging, just a question though--- why did you have sex with him, knowing he's leaving again?

Anyone with attachment issues should not be engaging in this behavior so quickly, especially

with someone they just met. Now you are having anxiety and worries.

 

Ask yourself if you hung out, and didn't have sex, would you still be feeling this way?

He might be sick, he might be busy. I'm sorry,but you can't undo it now.

Back off a bit with the worrying if you can, and hopefully he contacts you to see you before he leaves.

[CBC2000]

You just started talking in November, and then he came for a visit.

Not judging, just a question though--- why did you have sex with him, knowing he's leaving again?

Anyone with attachment issues should not be engaging in this behavior so quickly, especially

with someone they just met. Now you are having anxiety and worries.

 

Ask yourself if you hung out, and didn't have sex, would you still be feeling this way?

He might be sick, he might be busy. I'm sorry,but you can't undo it now.

Back off a bit with the worrying if you can, and hopefully he contacts you to see you before he leaves.

 

It was in the heat of the moment and we had both been drinking, I know this is not even a good excuse, but it just happened, he is the person I’be let get that close to me since my ex. I have backed off, I never call him or text him first, he is the one that does all that.

[SweetGirl28]

It was in the heat of the moment and we had both been drinking, I know this is not even a good excuse, but it just happened, he is the person I’be let get that close to me since my ex. I have backed off, I never call him or text him first, he is the one that does all that.

 

Alcohol---- don't I know it, lol

Know your limit for the future, so you can keep yourself in check.

It's a good sign he's staying in contact, just hope for the best I guess.

When is he supposed to move to where you are?

I do hope for your sake he sees you prior to leaving, because this may wreck you if he just leaves :(

Don't let it though.

[Honeycomb8]

Two adults chose to have sex. No one was used.

 

Also if you chose to not confirm exclusivity, but choose to sleep someone...You have to be prepared to deal with what comes after.

 

Talking for a month isn't much. How many times did u see him in person?

[figureitout23]

Two adults chose to have sex. No one was used.

 

Also if you chose to not confirm exclusivity, but choose to sleep someone...You have to be prepared to deal with what comes after.

 

Talking for a month isn't much. How many times did u see him in person?

 

I never got this mindset. Of course you can be used for sex , just like you can be used for money, a ride, ones ideas... why does giving something willingly = the other persons intentions are moot? That makes no sense to me. Nothing personal towards you honeycomb just a general observation, never got the 'two adults' correlation.

 

 

OPer, unfortunately like other posters have said because you are not the type to have casual sex (per your own words) it's probably going by to be a bad idea to lead with sex. He may very well have used you, also he could have had sex with you and simply lost interest or maybes hes just sick or spending time with his family but because you are now vulnerable all of his actions are magnified.

 

This anxiety and uncertainty doesn't happen when you wait until youre comfortable. So to avoid this you can't operate in this manner. I'm not saying what you did is wrong at all, it's simply wrong for you and that's what matters.

[ThatwasThen]

Am I just over thinking this or did I get played?

I vote for the latter.

[milly007]

It sounds like you had sex too soon.

 

I'd talk to him and express your concern. But make sure you do it calmly and don't yell, otherwise he won't hear what you're saying above your raised voice.

 

Explain to him that he was making an effort to see you every day, but once you had sex, things seemed to change. Let him know that because of this you feel used.

 

I agree with figureitout. You had sex when you weren't ready, and because you're feeling vulnerable/used, you're much more sensitive to how he's acting towards you.

 

The only way to know is to speak to him.

 

But moving forward, please remember this for next time.

 

Doesn't sound like sex outside of an exclusive, monogamous relationship with someone you've known only for a short period of time is your thing.

[CBC2000]

It sounds like you had sex too soon.

 

I'd talk to him and express your concern. But make sure you do it calmly and don't yell, otherwise he won't hear what you're saying above your raised voice.

 

Explain to him that he was making an effort to see you every day, but once you had sex, things seemed to change. Let him know that because of this you feel used.

 

I agree with figureitout. You had sex when you weren't ready, and because you're feeling vulnerable/used, you're much more sensitive to how he's acting towards you.

 

The only way to know is to speak to him.

 

But moving forward, please remember this for next time.

 

Doesn't sound like sex outside of an exclusive, monogamous relationship with someone you've known only for a short period of time is your thing.

 

I will take this advice, he just called and I once again pretended like nothing is bothering me. He said he will call me back so I’ll let him know what’s been going through my head

[katrina1980]

OP, accusing a man of "using" you suggests he intentionally misled you, lied to you, so you would agree to sex.

 

What makes you assume he did these things?

 

It's not uncommon for men to lose interest after sex, and/or pull back after sex.

 

Hell "some" men won't even make the decision to have a RL, 'until' they have sex. Fact.

 

Does not mean he intentionally misled you, lied to you, or "used" you, so probably best to change your mind-frame about that as it serves no good purpose.

 

He may simply have changed his mind after sex, which is OK. It happens and is the risk you took by allowing your hormones to run the show before you were emotionally ready. You need to take responsibility for that, at least

 

When you speak to him, try and be positive, otherwise you risk your mistrusting, negative attitude affecting your discussion such that you come across as accusatory, accusing him of things that simply are not true. Not good and nothing gets resolved.

 

Best of luck.

[CBC2000]

OP, accusing a man of "using" you suggests he intentionally misled you, lied to you, so you would agree to sex.

 

What makes you assume he did these things?

 

It's not uncommon for men to lose interest after sex, and/or pull back after sex.

 

Hell "some" men won't even make the decision to have a RL, 'until' they have sex. Fact.

 

Does not mean he intentionally misled you, lied to you, or "used" you, so probably best to change your mind-frame about that as it serves no good purpose.

 

He may simply have changed his mind after sex, which is OK. It happens and is the risk you took by allowing your hormones to run the show before you were emotionally ready. You need to take responsibility for that, at least

 

When you speak to him, try and be positive, otherwise you risk your mistrusting, negative attitude affecting your discussion such that you come across as accusatory, accusing him of things that simply are not true. Not good and nothing gets resolved.

 

Best of luck.

 

Katrina i will take responsibility for my part in this, as I previously stated in one of my responses that the sex was in the heat moment and that this was not an excuse. Also I didn’t actually accuse him of using me, I was asking for advise to see what’s his angle b/c he hasn’t made an effort to see me but he talks about me to his family and friends here and also calls and texts every single day. If he had just had sex with me and never called then I would’ve made this thread, but he checks on me every day, that is where my confusion is.

[boltnrun]

We talked about how I didn’t want to just have sex with him because as a woman sex is more emotional than physical. He told me that he didn’t want it to be just sex either. He has also been talking about me to his family, I don’t know anyone who would talk about a girl to his family that he is just having sex with

 

So in other words no, you didn't discuss and decide to be an exclusive, committed couple prior to having sex.

[katrina1980]

Katrina i will take responsibility for my part in this, as I previously stated in one of my responses that the sex was in the heat moment and that this was not an excuse. Also I didn’t actually accuse him of using me, I was asking for advise to see what’s his angle b/c he hasn’t made an effort to see me but he talks about me to his family and friends here and also calls and texts every single day. If he had just had sex with me and never called then I would’ve made this thread, but he checks on me every day, that is where my confusion is.

 

Fair enough, perhaps he is simply needing some space then. I have had long term bfs who "pulled back" slightly after first time sex; fortunately, I have five brothers, very close with two, who explained to me that this is quite "normal" for some men.

 

When this happened, I did my own thing, and was happy whenever I heard from them, and allowed them to move closer to me emotionally at their own pace.

 

This resulted in our dating for many years. One I became engaged to after 5.5 years but broke it off two years ago.

 

My current BF did a slight "pull back" also after we had sex the first time. It was subtle, but I definitely noticed!

 

I have learned, through my brothers, reading books and the men in the weekly meet up support group I used to attend, that some men need space and pull back after first time sex to think about what they really want, where they wish things to go, after accomplishing their initial goal -- sex -- with a woman they are very attracted to.

 

This often happens no matter how long they waited to have sex. Sex tends to change things.

 

Can't say for sure this is what's happening with your guy, but the fact he still contacts you regularly and talks about you to his family suggests it is.

 

So allow him that time, be happy when you hear from him; if you show no attitude and convey the message that you are a secure happy woman with her own life, and interests, apart from him, he will begin to move closer to you emotionally.

 

If you confront, display insecurity and any sort of mistrust, you will push him away.

 

It's important to understand the changes nuances as you proceed forward developing a relationship.

 

I wish it weren't this way, but things, especially in the early stages, are not always going to be consistent, unfortunately.

 

It's all very "normal" for lack of a better word.

.

Good luck and try to stay positive!

 

ETA: This has been my personal experience, as you can see we all have had different experiences which shape how we view these things.

[itsallgrand]

In my experience, a man who is interested in something more lasting with you will make an effort to see you as normal after sex. Men aren't stupid. I truly believe in this case, he simply is not as invested as you. And you took that risk by jumping into sex so early. That's not a judgment just my point of view on risk level. If you wait until you have an established committed relationship, the risk level and anxiety levels go down. Communication is smoother and easier.

 

Are you seeing a therapist? It sounds like you are playing out some theme on your attachment issues. The choice you made here was a lead right into anxiety ville and the least secure option.

[katrina1980]

^ I agree he's not as invested, they've only had a few dates. This is understandable, it takes time to become emotionally invested, certainly longer than a few dates in my opinion.

 

Having sex does not cause a man to become emotionally attached as it does for women. We're just wired differently, Mars/Venus, yin/yang.

 

Not all men, but many, there are always exceptions to the rule.

 

OP, your guy may be (and still is) attracted to you, wanted to have sex with you for this reason, but may not have been thinking long term. In fact, my guess is he wasn't!

 

He was thinking about the here and now, accomplishing his initial goal, sex.

 

Now that "that" is out of the way, he's now thinking about where he wants this to go. Casual, long term, or nowhere.

 

Again, a risk you took before an emotional connection had developed between you.

 

Your behavior now will make all the difference!

 

Act insecure, clingy, needy = push him away.

 

Act secure, confident, independent = draw him closer.

 

Again, my opinion and experience!

[yatsue]

I never got this mindset. Of course you can be used for sex , just like you can be used for money, a ride, ones ideas... why does giving something willingly = the other persons intentions are moot? That makes no sense to me. Nothing personal towards you honeycomb just a general observation, never got the 'two adults' correlation

 

Sex is a two way street; you either both have sex or you don't. Hence, you agree to both give and both take sex. Unless one of you is actually a pillow, it's an act you both partake. So sex can not be "used" by one person, as opposed to money, rides, etc.

 

Using someone for money requires only one out of the two to provide it while the other takes it, same with rides or anything similar. Unless you're both agreeing to give money and rides to each other you can use sex as a comparison, but all of those situations are not "using" someone. However, if you are raped, that's a whole different ball game as you cannot mutually agree to that, by definition.

 

I agree, OP you should wait in the future if you're going to be this paranoid after sleeping with someone, before commitment.

[figureitout23]

Sex is a two way street; you either both have sex or you don't. Hence, you agree to both give and both take sex. Unless one of you is actually a pillow, it's an act you both partake. So sex can not be "used" by one person, as opposed to money, rides, etc.

 

Using someone for money requires only one out of the two to provide it while the other takes it, same with rides or anything similar. Unless you're both agreeing to give money and rides to each other you can use sex as a comparison, but all of those situations are not "using" someone. However, if you are raped, that's a whole different ball game as you cannot mutually agree to that, by definition.

 

I agree, OP you should wait in the future if you're going to be this paranoid after sleeping with someone, before commitment.

 

I get what youre saying completely, I really do, and in many case, I completely agree with you, I just think it's too much of a blanket statement sometimes. I will use this instance as an example, but I will state that OPer I do not believe you were used or that he will or plans on running away, I think having sex has magnified his actions.

 

So as I was saying the one fact that would potentially make this 'using' in my eyes is this quote here:

 

We talked about how I didn’t want to just have sex with him because as a woman sex is more emotional than physical. He told me that he didn’t want it to be just sex either. He has also been talking about me to his family, I don’t know anyone who would talk about a girl to his family that he is just having sex with

 

In so many words she told him, if she chooses to engage in sex, it wouldn't be a ONS , she let him know sexual intercourse holds value to her and he agreed. So if he had 'hit it and quit it' he would have blatantly lied to gain what he wanted.

 

 

He would have been using a woman's emotions against her and to his advantage, that's deceit and by my deffinintion 'using'. So in an instance like this, the man is gaining something, a conquest, a notch on his bed frame, while the woman gains confusion and hurt. How is that a fair exchange of 'goods**'?

 

 

** please keep in mind, I do not view sex as an exchange of goods, it's much more emotional to me, like many women and some men. Try as I may it's an act I do not take lightly. So for me, if you deceive me to sleep with me, you've taken something from me for your gain. I define that as using.

 

I also want to add, I personally have never been used for sex, wherever the mans head was, serious or not, I was aware. I don't think it can be called 'using' if you know the man isn't serious or you keep going back or you simply don't bother asking, you're making a conscious choice and I do believe every person is responsible for their choices. I just don't really understand this refusal to label bad behavior. I'm responsible for me, you're responsible for what you do to me.

[reinventmyself]

Ok. . so my guy has been home sick with the flu since Sunday.

I offered to bring him soup, but joked about the leaving it at the door and ringing the bell.

 

I am only saying this because he mentioned being sick and you technically haven't seen him since last week.

Last week was 3 to 4 days ago?

 

It's a long shot, but possible. Just sayin'

[Imho]

Katrina i will take responsibility for my part in this, as I previously stated in one of my responses that the sex was in the heat moment and that this was not an excuse. Also I didn’t actually accuse him of using me, I was asking for advise to see what’s his angle b/c he hasn’t made an effort to see me but he talks about me to his family and friends here and also calls and texts every single day. If he had just had sex with me and never called then I would’ve made this thread, but he checks on me every day, that is where my confusion is.

 

How about talking to him and asking him? Surely, if you can have sex with him you should be able to talk to him.

[milly007]

How are things going, CBC2000?

[CBC2000]

How are things going, CBC2000?

 

Hey thanks for following up with me. So he ended up coming to see me last night, but I didn’t bring anything along that subject up. After reading some of these responses on this read, I just felt like it wasn’t worth it to have this conversation. One of the reasons why I did this is because we know his moving to my town this year, but we don’t know when exactly yet. The other thing is I did have sex with him way too soon. Lastly the reason I didn’t say anything about it is because I know that when a man wants me he will do everything he can to keep me around. I just decided to accept my mistake in this and bite the bullet

[figureitout23]

Bite the bullet and do what? End things? Continue dating?

[milly007]

Hey thanks for following up with me. So he ended up coming to see me last night, but I didn’t bring anything along that subject up. After reading some of these responses on this read, I just felt like it wasn’t worth it to have this conversation. One of the reasons why I did this is because we know his moving to my town this year, but we don’t know when exactly yet. The other thing is I did have sex with him way too soon. Lastly the reason I didn’t say anything about it is because I know that when a man wants me he will do everything he can to keep me around. I just decided to accept my mistake in this and bite the bullet

 

Ok. How was the visit? Everything okay?