He said something inappropriate about a child

[andarrr]

So this has been bothering me for while. When I met this person, we'll call him Gray, I was taken by someone else and for a year during that time period Gray tried very hard to get us together. This person is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I feel so connected on a mind, body, and soul level. Nothing has or could compare to this person and I've been in very passionate relationships and am a very passionate person. During that year he was trying to be with me we worked together at a restaurant and were hanging out on a daily basis. One day he had a table with a mom and a young daughter, around 5 to 8 years old maybe. After he dropped the check he was passing by me and he said to himself but loud enough for me to hear "Come back when you're 18" in reference to the little girl. That's a very crude comment and I find the concept of it very scary. It's now a year past that and no similar remarks have been made and he is my world but I still go back to that moment in my head. One thing that makes it even more disturbing to me is that he suffered sexual abuse as a child by a family member. So that comment has really stuck with me for some reason. I've asked him about it several times. He said he doesn't recall the incident but that he was probably being petty and trying to make me jealous... which is absurdly immature and just weird given the age of the girl. Am I overreacting or does anyone have advice on this matter?

[Snny]

It's a very bizarre comment. How is he in general around minors?

[andarrr]

Other than that comment I've never noticed anything else out of place. Children love him and we have been around a lot of our families and friends children. He just graduated med school and is considering working in pediatric medicine. I've also never wanted children with anyone other than him. I think he will be an amazing father. That comment really gets to me sometimes though.

[mustlovedogs]

Other than that comment I've never noticed anything else out of place. Children love him and we have been around a lot of our families and friends children. He just graduated med school and is considering working in pediatric medicine. I've also never wanted children with anyone other than him. I think he will be an amazing father. That comment really gets to me sometimes though.

 

Does it concern you he’s working pediatrics?

[ThatwasThen]

Other than that comment I've never noticed anything else out of place. Children love him and we have been around a lot of our families and friends children. He just graduated med school and is considering working in pediatric medicine. I've also never wanted children with anyone other than him. I think he will be an amazing father. That comment really gets to me sometimes though.

 

Well, not sure why you're looking at it so negatively unless you actually think he is a pedophile? His comment was indication that the little girl was pretty but he wouldn't have anything to do with her until she was of legal age and able to consent to... well, whatever. (Like she would want him pfffft).

 

If you've never noticed anything out of place then what is the issue? What makes YOU so uncomfortable with it?

[Starlight925]

I'm sorry, but I have 4 nieces, and if any grown man had ever said anything like that to any of them at that young age, their parents would have kicked that guy's ass.

 

Inappropriate doesn't even begin to cover it.

 

I don't know what to say here, other than I agree with you that there's something very wrong with looking at a little girl and even thinking that, other than saying it.

 

My friend has a stunning daughter, and once, when we were all out, her daughter (12 at the time) got up to use the bathroom, and we noticed men at the bar checking her out. My friend was about to go ballistic. I'm not a parent, but I sure understood her concern at the time.

[ThatwasThen]

Would your 'friend' go just as ballistic if it was his son you were talking about and women were checking him out as he went to the bathroom?

I think most men are that kind of protective of their daughters, particularly when they are coming of age. Does it mean that every man in that bar that looked is a pervert? Lots of deviant/perverts us women need to look out for I guess.

 

OP: If there is no other reason for you to be suspicious, then what is it about the comment that has you so you can't just dismiss it? Are you afraid he is a product of his own past and will do to others what was done to him?

[Starlight925]

Would your 'friend' go just as ballistic if it was his son you were talking about and women were checking him out as he went to the bathroom?

 

Absolutely.

[ThatwasThen]

Absolutely.

 

Sorry, but I have a hard time believing that. More times then not, men that "go ballistic" over someone looking at their daughter don't have the same sensibility when it comes to their son.

 

Can you ask him and then report back since you don't really know because it wasn't his son that was being looked at.

 

Cheers.

[Starlight925]

Sorry, but I have a hard time believing that. More times then not, men that "go ballistic" over someone looking at their daughter don't have the same sensibility when it comes to their son.

 

Can you ask him and then report back since you don't really know because it wasn't his son that was being looked at.

 

Cheers.

 

I do have a friend whose son was spoken to in a similar inappropriate manner.

 

Look, different people feel differently about these things. It's ok to have different views. This is mine. I have a zero room for error mindset with respect to children. Absolutely zero. But it's ok that you feel differently; I'm not trying to make you feel this way, and I appreciate reading your views!

 

Cheers & Happy New year to you too!

[andarrr]

Well, not sure why you're looking at it so negatively unless you actually think he is a pedophile? His comment was indication that the little girl was pretty but he wouldn't have anything to do with her until she was of legal age and able to consent to... well, whatever. (Like she would want him pfffft).

 

If you've never noticed anything out of place then what is the issue? What makes YOU so uncomfortable with it?

 

He really hasn't done anything to make me feel that way again. I think I'm very good at taking one instance and dwelling on it. He also said that something had to have happened at the table for him to have made a remark like that. My dwelling on it could also have to do with a fear that some people believe that people who were abused as children are more likely to do that to others but my true gut feeling tells me that won't be an issue with him.

 

Even though it's this one instance I still feel so alarmed by that comment.

[andarrr]

Does it concern you he’s working pediatrics?

 

My deepest feelings say no. He is great around children. I have never wanted to have children. I'm in my late twenties and have been married before. I feel like this person would be an amazing father and strongly desire to have a family with him and he feels the same.

I do feel like I'm dwelling on one remark but that isn't a light remark to just throw out the window.

[ThatwasThen]

He really hasn't done anything to make me feel that way again. I think I'm very good at taking one instance and dwelling on it. He also said that something had to have happened at the table for him to have made a remark like that. My dwelling on it could also have to do with a fear that some people believe that people who were abused as children are more likely to do that to others but my true gut feeling tells me that won't be an issue with him.

 

Even though it's this one instance I still feel so alarmed by that comment.

So: What are you going to do about it? Will you leave him or will you go on to be his wife and the mother of his children?

[andarrr]

So: What are you going to do about it? Will you leave him or will you go on to be his wife and the mother of his children?

 

I don't know that's why I'm here for advice.

[Snny]

My dwelling on it could also have to do with a fear that some people believe that people who were abused as children are more likely to do that to others

It is a common trait among predators. It's also common for predators to select job fields (pediatrics, teaching, camp counselor, etc) with access to children. I used to be a teacher, and I've personally known some mentors/ teachers who were popular with children were later accused of sexual assault on a minor- and only one of them was found guilty.

 

You feel something is very off. Even though his comment was about waiting for a young child to turn 18, it was very disturbing. No normal adult would say anything like that about a 5 or 8 year old child. And him to go into pediatrics to make a comment like that, wow! I sure as hell would not take my child to see a doctor who said that.

 

Please go with your gut on this one.

[SweetGirl28]

I think the fact you started a thread about this means you feel very unsettled and are looking for

posters to either dismiss your worries or agree it is a red flag.

It was one comment. If it's enough to make you feel uneasy, you should follow your own gut instinct.

The only person who truly knows him, is you. We can tell you it's nothing, or it's something.

Trust yourself. Good luck.

[Snny]

My concern is that this may not be the first time he made a similar comment. Who knows- he might be trying to access children elsewhere the OP doesn't know (i.e. Online, child pornography).

 

I have sat in multiple trainings (state and federal) about child predators and human trafficking as a teacher and mental health professional. I was always told throughout those training that if you feel something is VERY off or unsettling, report it. Let investigators determine if there is a case to prosecute. Quite frankly, the safety of children comes first.

[ThatwasThen]

Oh my goodness. Please do not put this man through that on One comment made (how many years ago) and there has been absolutely no indication that he's a pedophile or a predator or has uttered anything that you deem inappropriate since. He can't even remember the incident by all accounts.

 

Op: If he didn't confess his own abuse to you (has he had therapy for that?) would you be concerned with the comment or would you just dismiss it?

 

I don't know that's why I'm here for advice.

 

I fear your thread has just jumped on a run-away-train to an unsupported guilty verdict.

[katrina1980]

Staying out of this argument (dont have an opinion either way, it's too ambiguous in my opinion).

 

What I will say is that if women knew even half the stuff that goes on in men's brains with respect to girls, women, sex, relationships, no woman would ever want to date them!

 

That said, if I were to judge this, I agree with TWT.

 

He thought she was a pretty little girl, but has the decency and presence of mind to recognize she is just a young child, and that she's off limits until 18.

 

Not the brightest thing to say, even to himself, but if that's the only thing he's said or done that was "inappropriate" in the entire time you've known him, just let it go.

[katrina1980]

OP, why are you making so much of, and dwelling on, one "inappropriate" comment he made ages ago, that was so insignificant he doesn't even remember?

 

Are you looking for a reason to dump him? Has the RL run its course and you want out?

 

So you're using this one comment made ages ago, to justify in your mind why it's okay to end it?

 

You don't need a reason you know. If it's over for you, that's okay, no need to justify your decision.

 

I only ask cause I think it's quite bizarre you're focusing so much on this one stupid comment made a long time ago, when literally everything has been so good.

 

Or maybe things are getting a bit dull, so you're looking to create a little drama?

 

Not judging, I just find it curious.

[IAmFCA]

i was thinking maybe something is off despite how well you get along, perhaps your intuition is responding to something?

[Unreasonable]

If someone accused me of saying that and I didn't, I would be outraged at the accusation quite frankly. I wouldn't be saying I didn't remember or, IF I did, I was just being petty. It would be more like a vehement "EXCUSE me??"

 

Look, there are a lot of crude expressions out there that I've heard in jest like "Old enough to bleed, old enough to breed." Though I can't remember anyone saying that since I was a teenager. Extremely immature.

 

This is an even worse level, looking at a specific 8 year old in girl a sexual pedophile manner. A normal dude does not look at little girls that way. I can't really congratulate a pedophile for having the willpower to wait until they're 18 before taking action.

[IAmFCA]

Its just one comment, but its one I'd never make... but context is everything. I have said allowed and with no prurience intended about the beauty or aloof quality of a child and how that translates into adult (i dont xxx, just, grown up) sensibilities. Its a 2-D response to the look of a 3-D human.

 

Under one's breath but audible is a little creepy. But then, in between tables, busy day... i don't know.

 

Is there a pattern of behavior? Something that feels inauthentic? A layer that is brick wall you can't get past?

 

How can we judge someone's character by one sentence, and why are you doing that after this long time? What other clues are you blocking?

[tattoobunnie]

There are a few comments here that I want to put my 2 cents in. If any person said weird things about my two young boys, I would leave wherever we were immediately, or speak to their supervisor. Child sex slavery is no joke.

 

But the things is, the kid could have said, "you're so cute," and he was commenting away from her. Or she wanted a cigarette (weird, but kids say crazy things), or anything.

 

Child predators I hold in the bottom pit of hell, so I would dig deep to see if he had issues - like saved internet pictures deep, and search history. If everything looks normal, and you don't see anything in the garbage (computer folder), and normal browser search history, I would chalk that comment up as taken out of context.

 

And I would ask him, "I know you were abused as a child. Are you ever scared that you might abuse a child one day?"

 

Kids who are physically, emotionally, or sexually abused can at times become abusers themselves; it really depends on what outlet they found to release the pain it caused.

[andarrr]

I kind of agree with tattoobunnie. I think that something happened at the table for him to say what he did. As I said we've been around lots of children and he has a bright personality that they like. I don't want to say people crush on him but that's the only way I can think to put it.

Also his outlet is sports. It always seemed to me that his threshold in athletics was nonexistent. Running, cycling, and climbing and things like that. I read that was one way a lot of victims dealt with the pain, pushing themselves in athletics to block out emotions.

 

I would also like to add that he didn't seem to be trying to hide the comment when he said it, it was intended for me to hear. When I brought it up again he said he had absolutely no recollection of it but if I told him he said it then he believed me and he must have. He also said something had to have happened at the table for him to ever make a remark like that.

 

I've also read a lot into the psychology of children who were abused and I started putting labels on him and judging him for things I don't think that I should have, ThatWasThen mentioned that. I took some of the general things that characterized some people that had suffered sexual child abuse and started trying to fit him into them although not all victims respond to their abuse in the same way at all.

 

All hell is about to break loose when I tell people why it came up. I said I was taken and he's been trying all this time. Since we've met he's not seen anyone else. I've been having an affair with him now for 2 years (emotional only for a year) and I'm trying to get up the courage to divorce. I married young to a wonderful person but not the man for me (I never changed my name nor wanted to sign wedding license). I married because everyone said I was lucky and it was what I should do. I thought maybe you don't feel crazy in love when you marry, maybe it's about security and the person being good to you. I've been picking through every single little detail to be sure that I am making the right decision. I try to convince myself that I shouldn't leave my husband for him and try to make myself see flaws in him but I know that is who I want a future with. I know it's absolutely horrible. We've done so much together backpacking trips, traveling, and a little bit of everyday life. I've been around his family on many occasions, only a couple know I'm married. All of his friends I have met and spent time with know I'm married. I lived without my husband for 6 months while I was working in another state. I should have gone through with everything then. I just can't seem to get up the courage to do it because of all the people that will be hurt. Luckily no children are involved.

 

I know it is beyond ty and I'm a terrible person for it. Things start rolling and then you step back and don't realize how you got to where you are.