Having major problem with my boyfriend

[ellen88]

Me and this guy have been dating for about 8 months and everything so far is great. We’ve had our ups and downs, but in general he is a good guy. We are very open and honest with one another (i’d like to think so) and we’re very comfortable so we do talk to each other about stuff that it’s unusual for couples to talk about.

 

A few weeks ago we were hanging out and just talking in general and I asked him something about his girl best friend and one thing led to another and he was honest with me and told me he actually likes her appearance more than mine. To be exact he told me I’m an 8 and she’s a 9. At first I didn’t really mind. It kind of bothered me to know that because they’re best friends, but nothing too extreme.

 

Now I’m going crazy. I’m making all these senarios in my head and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t know if I should talk to him about it. I’m not the jealous type but he did say that he likes his best friend more than me and I’m thinking what if they start liking each other in a more romantic type of way? My best friend who is friends with that girl told me he’s not her type at all.

 

I don’t know what to do. Should I talk to him about it and tell him all my thoughts? I don’t want to tell him to stop hanging out with her because I don’t want to be that controlling girlfriend even though he told me to stoo haging out with a friend of mine because he was into me. The thing is that i feel like it’s poisoning my relationship. Maybe I should just forget about the whole situation and act like it never happened.

[lilyv]

It's kind of mean and passive aggressive to measure you against her. I know you say you're not the jealous type but he's trying to set you up in a competition with her. I personally wouldn't feel jealous I would feel betrayed. Who is he to say how you measure up and why does he believe he is such a prize? I wouldn't hang around him anymore, he's just not kind.

[ellen88]

It's kind of mean and passive aggressive to measure you against her. I know you say you're not the jealous type but he's trying to set you up in a competition with her. I personally wouldn't feel jealous I would feel betrayed. Who is he to say how you measure up and why does he believe he is such a prize? I wouldn't hang around him anymore, he's just not kind.

 

To be honest he can be kind of mean sometimes, not with me but in general with some people. On the other hand he is such a nice person with the people he loves. In that specific occasion it wasn’t like his intention was to sound as a bad person, it was really just us making conversation, I don’t remember exactly what I told him and why he said that, but I do remember that it wasn’t out of the blue. So you think I should break up with him?

[lilyv]

To be honest he can be kind of mean sometimes, not with me but in general with some people. On the other hand he is such a nice person with the people he loves. In that specific occasion it wasn’t like his intention was to sound as a bad person, it was really just us making conversation, I don’t remember exactly what I told him and why he said that, but I do remember that it wasn’t out of the blue. So you think I should break up with him?

I wouldn't tell anyone to break up with anyone but if you feel hurt more than appreciated, I would just monitor that. I don't advocate being anyone's emotional punching bag.

[j.man]

I'm interested in what "one thing led to another" means. What did you ask him about his friend? What's the step-by-step of him telling you his friend's appearance is more his type?

[Imho]

Wow! You say you guys are honest with one another. You ask him a question and he answers it honestly and now you want to leave him because you can't deal with the honesty. Stop comparing yourself to the other person. He didn't choose to be in a relationship with her and what happens if your next guy have friends you're going to leave them too. You found out you can't handle the truth so stop asking question

[katrina1980]

I'm interested in what "one thing led to another" means. What did you ask him about his friend? What's the step-by-step of him telling you his friend's appearance is more his type?

 

He also told OP he "likes" his "friend" more than he likes her, his own girlfriend.

 

To me that would be worse than him finding her more physically attractive, because it speaks to his emotions.

 

OP do what you wish but personally I would not continue to date a man who likes his female friend more than he likes me.

 

Tell him to go date her!

 

My guess is he would love nothing more but *she* sees him as only a friend. She is his type (obviously) but he's not hers, as your other friend even confirmed. So he settles for "friends."

 

And what are these other "ups and downs" you speak of?

 

Never settle for less than what you deserve.

[adat95]

 

A few weeks ago we were hanging out and just talking in general and I asked him something about his girl best friend and one thing led to another and he was honest with me and told me he actually likes her appearance more than mine. To be exact he told me I’m an 8 and she’s a 9. At first I didn’t really mind. It kind of bothered me to know that because they’re best friends, but nothing too extreme.

 

I think that what is important is that he pointed out that he likes HER APPEARENCE more than yours. Relationship is not all about appearance dear. He may like her appearance but not her personality. If I were you and as you saying you are open with each other, I would ask him just to make sure but ... if there is no other problém between you, I think it is quite pointless - if he shows you he loves you and doesn't show differently, then have a calm mind :)

[lady00]

Did he say he likes her appearance more or likes her more? It's different. There are always going to be people in the world, including friends, who are more attractive to someone than their partner, it's inevitable. What matters is that you choose to be in a relationship with someone for a whole host of reasons, one of which is physical attraction but it doesn't mean your partner is going to be the most physically attractive person you know or are friends with. Now, whether or not you are honest with them is an interesting question. Some people believe in honesty above all else, some believe a white lie is ok to spare someone's feelings.

[ellen88]

He also told OP he "likes" his "friend" more than he likes her, his own girlfriend.

 

To me that would be worse than him finding her more physically attractive, because it speaks to his emotions.

 

OP do what you wish but personally I would not continue to date a man who likes his female friend more than he likes me.

 

Tell him to go date her!

 

My guess is he would love nothing more but *she* sees him as only a friend. She is his type (obviously) but he's not hers, as your other friend even confirmed. So he settles for "friends."

 

And what are these other "ups and downs" you speak of?

 

Never settle for less than what you deserve.

 

this is exactly what I’m afraid of. I’m scared of him actually wanting her but just settling with me because she isn’t into him. The thing is that when we first met I asked him if there is or anything was going on between them and he said that she was dating a friend of his when they met (they broke up 2-3 months ago) and he told me that he could never do that to his friend, so I never thought about that again until he told me she’s better looking.

 

When I say ups and downs I mean silly stupid fights nothing serious, we don’t have any ither problems apart from that.

[ellen88]

I think that what is important is that he pointed out that he likes HER APPEARENCE more than yours. Relationship is not all about appearance dear. He may like her appearance but not her personality. If I were you and as you saying you are open with each other, I would ask him just to make sure but ... if there is no other problém between you, I think it is quite pointless - if he shows you he loves you and doesn't show differently, then have a calm mind :)

 

he does like her personality as well they’re best friends and he has told me before he enjoys her company. For example a few months ago they went out and when he came back I asked him if he had fun and he said “I always have fun with her”

[ellen88]

Did he say he likes her appearance more or likes her more? It's different. There are always going to be people in the world, including friends, who are more attractive to someone than their partner, it's inevitable. What matters is that you choose to be in a relationship with someone for a whole host of reasons, one of which is physical attraction but it doesn't mean your partner is going to be the most physically attractive person you know or are friends with. Now, whether or not you are honest with them is an interesting question. Some people believe in honesty above all else, some believe a white lie is ok to spare someone's feelings.

 

he only talked about appearance, but she’s been his best friend for many years so I guess he also likes her personality.

[ellen88]

I'm interested in what "one thing led to another" means. What did you ask him about his friend? What's the step-by-step of him telling you his friend's appearance is more his type?

 

I don’t specifically remember how it happened. It wasn’t the fact that he told me she’s better looking that hurt me, it was the fact that he told me that about her. They go out on their own many times they’re best friends she knows everything about him and he does so about her. Something could happen between them easily

[Pleasedonot5]

How inappropriate of him to open his mouth like that. That would make any normal human being offended and/or insecure. I have an ego, so I don't know how I'd bounce back from that.

 

Maybe the two of them should date.

[ellen88]

Wow! You say you guys are honest with one another. You ask him a question and he answers it honestly and now you want to leave him because you can't deal with the honesty. Stop comparing yourself to the other person. He didn't choose to be in a relationship with her and what happens if your next guy have friends you're going to leave them too. You found out you can't handle the truth so stop asking question

 

I’m not gonna leave him. What if he wanted to be in a relationship with her but he knew that she had a different type? And if she was available? And what if she suddenly realises she likes him and he leaves me for her? Like those are the things I can’t stop thinking about. Could be paranoid. But yeah I’ll definitely stop asking questions from now on I learned my lesson.

[katrina1980]

he only talked about appearance, but she’s been his best friend for many years so I guess he also likes her personality.

 

I can't copy quotes but in your first post, you said he likes her appearance more than yours, considers you an 8 and her a 9, and then later in your post (third paragraph) you posted he also said that "he likes his "best friend" more than he likes you.." And you were worried it would turn romantic.

 

Why are re-writing history now?

[ellen88]

I can't copy quotes but in your first post, you said he likes her appearance more than yours, considers you an 8 and her a 9, and then later in your post (third paragraph) you posted he also said that "he likes his "best friend" more than he likes you.." And you were worried it would turn romantic.

 

Why are re-writing history now?

 

In my third paragraph I meant her appearance. Sorry for any misunderstandings. It could be possible though that he likes her as a person more than me. That’s why I’m worried their friendship will turn romantic.

[katrina1980]

I’m not gonna leave him. What if he wanted to be in a relationship with her but he knew that she had a different type? And if she was available? And what if she suddenly realises she likes him and he leaves me for her? Like those are the things I can’t stop thinking about. Could be paranoid. But yeah I’ll definitely stop asking questions from now on I learned my lesson.

 

This is precisely why I don't get involved with men who have women as "best friends," or still communicating/involved with ex's.

[katrina1980]

I don’t specifically remember how it happened. It wasn’t the fact that he told me she’s better looking that hurt me, it was the fact that he told me that about her. They go out on their own many times they’re best friends she knows everything about him and he does so about her. Something could happen between them easily

 

Of course it can. She's a woman, he's a man.

 

My first BF and I were "friends" for a year. He had a girlfriend.

 

One night, we went out, had a few drinks, having a great time and he kissed me. Told me he had been wanting to do that, like forever.

 

After that night, he ended it with his gf and we dated for four years.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to bring you down by posting that, but it's important to be aware of all the possibilities here.

 

The fact he actually told you he finds her more physically appealing and how much he enjoys spending one-on-one time with her would not sit well with me.

 

Have you ever joined them when they go out? Has he ever invited you or expressed a desire for you and her to become friends too?

 

If not, big red flag in my opinion.

[ellen88]

Of course it can. She's a woman, he's a man.

 

My first BF and I were "friends" for a year. He had a girlfriend.

 

One night, we went out, had a few drinks, having a great time and he kissed me. Told me he had been wanting to do that, like forever.

 

After that night, he ended it with his gf and we dated for four years.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to bring you down by posting that, but it's important to recognize all the possibilities here.

 

The fact he actually told you he finds her more physically appealing and how much he enjoys spending one-on-one time with her would not sit well with me.

 

Have you ever joined them when they go out? Has he ever invited you or expressed a desire for you and her to become friends too?

 

If not, big red flag in my opinion.

 

My best friend hangs out with her so we’ve went out as a group like me, him, my best friend, that girl and other people as well. He wanted me to meet her and I think she likes me. He told me that from all the girls he was into or dated in the past I was the only one she approved. He has never told me that he’d want me and her to become friends but we’ve went out all together a few times and everything was great. It was never his idea though, he wasn’t the one who planned that.

[Batya33]

How inappropriate of him to open his mouth like that. That would make any normal human being offended and/or insecure. I have an ego, so I don't know how I'd bounce back from that.

 

Maybe the two of them should date.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

[katrina1980]

 

The thing is that when we first met I asked him if there is or anything was going on between them and he said that she was dating a friend of his when they met (they broke up 2-3 months ago)

 

.. and he told me that he could never do that to his friend, so I never thought about that again until he told me she’s better looking.

 

 

Oh man, just caught this.

 

So you asked him if there was something going on between him and this "friend, and his response was he would never do that to his friend, who used to date her?

 

How about, "no there is nothing between us, she's just a friend, I have no desire to date her."

 

But he didn't say that did he, only that he wouldn't do that to his friend who used to date her.. Not very reassuring, is it. Ugh.

 

Sorry, but something is definitely not jiving here.

 

I know I wouldn't be hanging around, but your call.

[smackie9]

OK lets get to brass tacks here. Guys (most) don't hang out with girls they don't find attractive. It's a no brainer your BF wanted/wants to date her yes BUT, this girl has friend zoned him. She has no interest in him romantically. So basically he will never have access. Why do I know this? Because of the close friend's comment of her saying he isn't her type. I'm sure he has attempted and got rejected.

 

There are girls out there that like orbiters, and she has him in her orbit and likes him there. Any girl that has come along, she's felt threatened and would lose her orbiter so she would make comment how she doesn't approve. What makes you different? Maybe she feels she's prettier than you and doesn't think she will lose too much of his attention towards her. (god I feel like I'm back in high school).

 

So what to do. Well now that the cat is out of the bag on how he feels about her, I suggest you tell him it would only be fair for him to restrict his access in lieu of you having to do the same. Also mention that his comment made you feel very hurt and now uncomfortable about their relationship. Yes you can express yourself, and it's not controlling. You DO have a legitimate reason to say something. Make sure you turn it on him, and say how would he feel if you had an attraction to a male friend. See where that gets you. If the results are negative, then you have a decision to make.

[fabact]

Wow how old r u guys? Number rating ? Seems immature

[figureitout23]

Wow how old r u guys? Number rating ? Seems immature

 

I know 80 year old grandparents that do it...