Does this guy like me?

[akrngrl]

I’d just move on from this one. Enjoy the flirty banter by all means, but you have to see it as just that. If you find yourself over thinking things or wondering why he didn’t ask you out (text you back, talk to you, etc) then pull back. Some people can flirt without thinking about it and others aren’t wired that way. He hasn’t done anything wrong, he’s just not the guy for you so I wouldn’t waste anymore energy on him.

[Batya33]

What he wrote on his profile is really gross and offensive to women (and "girls" - is he a "boy?")

[Alex39]

I totally agree. I know he isn't a terrible guy. At work we have had nice conversations and he's a deceng guy. But slowly I am becoming less and less attracted to him.

 

Tonight, new years. He is snap chatting that he looks like he is at someones apartment and there are all these girls there that are dressed up, and not to put them down, but "ty"

 

Hoochie young party girls drinking right out of the bottle in a short tight skirt.

 

Do I dress up sometimes? Yes. And when I lose a bit more weight I want to wear cuter tighter clothes, but I am over that 21 year old college party phase.

 

Then he posts more pictures and he's posing in a group photo with these four girls around him, hanging all over him. One is kissing his cheek. They are all holding him etc...

 

Just not attractive to me at all. He's an immature party boy who talks like he is an old soul and hates clubbing, and wants this simple life with a girl and a dog, but is out with drunk girls who are acting obnoxiously in videos he posted at a club.

 

I don't want to say I am this great up there person. I enjoy the occasional night out, but I have a lot more class than that.

[Batya33]

I don't think he is a terrible person at all and I never wrote that. I don't think what you're describing is "dressing up" or that wearing tighter clothes is necessarily "dressing up" -it's just "dressing" (or barely dressing lol).

 

I think you're judging him too harshly on what he chooses to post on social media and if you are honest with yourself you would have been thrilled to be invited and you would have gone and rationalized his behavior as "new years eve" - since you go out to bars and clubs and think that is "social" as you wrote in this thread does that make you an "immature party girl?" - you just wrote about how jealous you were of your friends who were going to clubs over the vacation. Be honest with yourself - I think what he wrote in his profile is offensive - that's a world of difference from you lashing out at him because he doesn't want to date you -and I think that's most if not all of the reason. I think you'd agree too.

[Alex39]

Not here to complain about this guy anymore...promise.

 

I am over him. More and more I see of him, more and more I realize he isn't looking for anything serious and very immature. I mean, he lost his job in the fall, and hasn't even been trying to find another. He's been living off of his parents money and buying lobster and steak to eat. If my parents knew that, and I was doing that, they would be so mad. So as much as I think he is an okay guy, he isn't what I am looking for right now in my life. I want maturity and someone who can prioritize me as I will them.

 

I feel like I know what I want, but I just cannot find it. I decided to go back online dating, Bumble. Just look for someone who is less of a party boy and more of a success guy. Stable, work focused, fun, cute, smart, potentially moved out of parents place. Someone who wants a best friend and lover, a companion to experience theirs and downs of life, as cheesy as it sounds.

 

At the same time, I feel like I intimidate guys away from me. I tell them about my lucrative career, me going back to school to get a masters degree, and then if they know I have my own apartment, or if they see it, they feel intimidated with all that I have at my young age of 25. I don't have it all, and I don't preach that I do. I don't think me talking about my life is bragging. I am definitely not that type of person, but I think I am successful for my age, and most guys my age trying to be successful. I meet so many great guys, we click, but they are so busy with school, travel, career, and they just want casual and easy, and not serious girlfriend. I keep swiping on these guys, and I feel like none of them are what I am looking for, or when I do talk to them, they get intimidated or they just want a fling.

 

I feel like I even have guys that I know in person who are like sort of keeping me on the back burner. They talk with me, flirt sometimes, but we never go out. Work guy isn't the only guy who does this to me. I have one guy who has been treating me like a flirty friend for over a year now. He isn't in the place in his life right now to have a girlfriend. I have openly told him I am not looking for a playboy, I am looking for a serious boyfriend. My ex whom I was off and on with for years literally told me that I was the girl next door, the perfect girl to take home to mom, but he was not sure about a relationship with me, because of this. He said he could see himself with a girl like me down the road when he wanted to get married.

 

It just stinks. I don't want to get married right now, but I do want to share my life with someone, and I feel like I just cannot find that person. A best friend. Someone whom I can totally be myself with.

 

I feel so frustrated. Like I have hit a brick wall. I don't like anyone online. I don't meet anyone in person. I was talking to a guy last night online. He was 29. Seemed to be flowing well talking. Then I bring up travel and vacations. He says how he doesn't really take any. I tell him he should, even something small to relax and get away. He says he can't afford it. A little while later, he just unmatched from me, for no reason what so ever. I feel bad. Here I was saying how I want to travel and all these places that look amazing. I am not rich either, but he probably thought he couldn't keep up with me or provide for me what I want to do.

 

I feel like I need to wait like 5 more years for guys my age to get their lives together and be ready for a serious relationship. But then I am alone for another so many years, just waiting and waiting. I just feel like I am waiting for the sun to shine.

[Batya33]

So a few things. First of all I thought you said that guy you like works with you -now he is out of a job? Confused.

 

Don't tell, show. No need to tell someone off the bat about all your accomplishments. And, no, I don't think it's that unusual to have a successful job and be working on a grad degree at age 25-maybe where you live, not where I grew up. It's positive of course but not intimidating in the least. Kind of typical among professionals of that age. So, no need to act like you're on an interview. Talk about things you have in common -movies/music/cultural activities, what you do for fitness or want to do, classes you take (other than in grad school), volunteer work you do. Do more listening than talking and with a nice dose of humility without being self-deprecating.

 

I also wouldn't like if a stranger told me I "should" travel. You don't know him at all or know why he made that choice -so unless he asks for your input don't give it.

 

I don't think you have to wait around at all. I think you have to think about what your goals are in these first conversations - to impress him? to get to know more about him so you know whether you want to meet in person? to screen out those guys who don't want to travel as much as you do? Get it straight in your head first and then, again, do much more listening than talking and no unsolicited advice or input.

 

When I first dated my husband we were in our late 20s. We were both successful and both finished grad school. He is smarter than me and better educated than me. I wasn't intimidated. On our first lunch date over 20 years ago the very first question he asked me was why I chose the career I had (we had the same career back then) -that is what he wanted to know and he told me later it was because he wanted to see if I was really into my career or just doing it for the money, etc. And he was very surprised that it was because of an experience I'd had as a teenager which involved a lot of media attention - and that that was when I made my decision. So yes I guess I shared something pretty accomplished for a teenager but first of all he asked and second of all I already knew he was smarter/better educated than me so it wouldn't make the wrong impression.

 

Some men declined to date me because I worked so many hours and unpredictable hours, and probably had a higher salary in my 20s. Some. Most - they didn't care and I didn't share my salary anyway - they could take an educated guess but that was all.

 

Again get very clear on your goals on those first conversations -sound like you're trying to pack in all the details about you that are unique/impressive. I'd take a more laid back approach at first. And, again, listen a lot more.

[boltnrun]

Yeah I thought you saw him at work all the time. Why are you just now changing the story?

 

"We work in the same office. He is an office student intern."

 

Direct quote from your OP. What gives?

[figureitout23]

And If he doesn't work with you how do you see him daily?

[Alex39]

Oops, sorry did not make it clear. So work guy does still work with me part time. Goes to grad school at my same school, and he did have another part time job to pay his rent, but he lost it in the fall so he has been mostly living off of his parents money. He buys scallops and lobster, which to me is very immature. He told me his parents aren't rich, so while they pay for him, I guarantee they aren't eating lobster.

 

I don't tell guys my life story, boast, or brag. If they ask me a question aboyt my life, I answer it. I did ask that one guy why he got into his field and was interested to know. I like questions about peoples past experiences and life story. What and who made them who they are today.

 

I do try to find common ground, movies, music, etc...

 

I wasnt telling that guy that he needs to travel. I merely said he should treat himself to a vacation once in a while to get away from working all the time.

 

I do want to gain a sense of lifestyle, future goals, job satisfaction, etc...in the first conversation. I am not into people who hate their jobs and just do it for no reason. I like to see where people are in their lives. Do you want to date casually? Seriously? If the person says they recently got out of something, thats a big red flag to me. Do they go out every weekend with their buddies? Drink a lot? Are they self sufficient? I don't mind a guy living with his parents. If mine werent so far, i'd consider it to save money. But I at least need a guy who wants to move out, and is decent with their money.

 

Work guy makes me laugh. He complains about lack of money. But his parents give him some and he buys expensive food, alcohol, and goes out with his friends regularly. I don't think its terrible, but he isnt going without. If he really wanted to, he could cut back and take less from his parents. He's 25. Time to grow up. Lifestyle to me is so important. If you arent in the same place in your life, it will never work.

 

I know I want someone to spend lazy nights in with with movies. Soneone to cook dinner with and eventually live together. Someone to take spontaneous roadtrups with. Someone to get a dog with. I want someone to travel with me, protect me, and push me to try new things. A serious years long relationship. I want to bring someone home to meet my great family and I theirs. I just cannot seem to find the right guy yet and its frustrating. I keep seeing people I know getting married, moving in together, and I am no where close.

[Batya33]

"I wasnt telling that guy that he needs to travel. I merely said he should treat himself to a vacation once in a while to get away from working all the time. "

 

Yes, take "should" out of the discussion with a new person entirely - it comes across as you giving unsolicited input and since he is a stranger you don't know if there's a particular sensitivity- maybe he has severe allergies and finds it hard to travel with an epipen, maybe he takes care of an elderly parent who he cannot leave alone overnight. Etc. I am totally with you about trying to screen for general stuff like - relationship goals/education/career goals, family plans, etc - why waste time? But unfortunately you can't find out the extent you are writing about in a first call or first meet without seeming overbearing to many people -and these people are strangers so you don't yet know a thing about their personal boundaries. Yes, if you want someone who will happily answer your questions to the nitty gritty on the first call, I am sure those people exist and would probably expect you to do the same - so keep looking but realize those people are more unusual.

 

Your work friend is working. Part time is working. It's underemployed for sure if he's not making enough $ to make ends meet but it's working. Be careful about getting too judgy- it's not a good look and could bleed over into your interactions with people in general.

 

If you do more listening -real listening -not thinking about what you want to say the next time he stops talking -he will tell you all you need to know in the first 5 minutes of meeting (especially in person) - you can check out his tone of voice, body language, general energy, whether he asks questions about you and what they are, how he describes his family, the wait staff, his pets, etc.

 

Also if you want protection and someone who like a mentor is going to push you to try new things those people likely prefer someone who is not in a higher level career, who is not highly educated because it's hard especially as a first impression to think about "how am I going to be able to mold her and push her to try new things if she seems so independent financially and otherwise?". Yes, partners and spouses often protect each other or desire to. But the expectation -and your focus on it - plus the "push me to try new things" isn't consistent with your insistence that you are far more educated/professional/successful than other 25 year olds.

 

Because if someone "pushes" you you'll know it's not your accomplishment entirely, and you might even start to resent the person -which is why healthier people often refrain from pushing their partners to try new things -they don't want that level of responsibility and they want to believe that their partners will stand on their own two feet and be self-motivated. Also think about whether you would like that as a parenting style to your future kids -someone who pushes the kids to try new things rather than facilitating/encouraging. Sometimes you have to and I'm doing this as I type with pushing my son to eat vegetables but it should be the exception not the rule. Really think about the ramifications about what you say you want.

[Batya33]

Here's where I think you're getting your own way:

 

You claim you want marriage and a long term relationship and yet you spend weeks chasing after a guy who clearly does not want to date you -and who from the beginning you described as sort of a player (while you were still dating Mr. Boring). The very first time you realized he probably was a player -or at the latest when he blew you off when you asked him out and didn't reschedule you could have spent your precious free time meeting other men, meeting like minded people through activities, volunteer work, meetups, etc, rather than wasting that time overanalyzing what he typed and posted and continuing to chase him. He doesn't even meet your minimal standards of being employed full time so I say -the lady doth protest too much -meaning, you say you want marriage but your actions speak otherwise.

 

And there's no "trying" -if you "tried" to do your work at work and didn't do it or "tried" to study but didn't study where would you be as far as your professional accomplishments? And there's no "you are right BUT". Certainly I could be wrong but what you're doing is obviously not effective up to this point -your friends are getting married and you want that -there are no guarantees of course -this is romantic love, chemistry, etc but there are ways of increasing your chances.

 

It will take work, a shift in mindset, lots of pounding the pavement, lots of self-discipline so you stop chasing players and protest "but I can't help it, I can't help my feelings when I am attracted to someone!!" - but if you really do want marriage (and ask yourself if you really, really do) in a realistic way -not a wedded bliss/princess dress/spontaneous road trips whenever because your dog can just come with you or you can snap your fingers and have someone care for your dog and tell your bosses to take a hike - then you might have to work harder than others -and others might have to work harder than you -it's not a competition but it's also not time for a pity party. It's just time to roll up your sleeves and do the work.

[Jibralta]

Here's where I think you're getting your own way:

 

You claim you want marriage and a long term relationship and yet you spend weeks chasing after a guy who clearly does not want to date you -and who from the beginning you described as sort of a player (while you were still dating Mr. Boring). The very first time you realized he probably was a player -or at the latest when he blew you off when you asked him out and didn't reschedule you could have spent your precious free time meeting other men, meeting like minded people through activities, volunteer work, meetups, etc, rather than wasting that time overanalyzing what he typed and posted and continuing to chase him. He doesn't even meet your minimal standards of being employed full time so I say -the lady doth protest too much -meaning, you say you want marriage but your actions speak otherwise.

 

And there's no "trying" -if you "tried" to do your work at work and didn't do it or "tried" to study but didn't study where would you be as far as your professional accomplishments? And there's no "you are right BUT". Certainly I could be wrong but what you're doing is obviously not effective up to this point -your friends are getting married and you want that -there are no guarantees of course -this is romantic love, chemistry, etc but there are ways of increasing your chances.

 

It will take work, a shift in mindset, lots of pounding the pavement, lots of self-discipline so you stop chasing players and protest "but I can't help it, I can't help my feelings when I am attracted to someone!!" - but if you really do want marriage (and ask yourself if you really, really do) in a realistic way -not a wedded bliss/princess dress/spontaneous road trips whenever because your dog can just come with you or you can snap your fingers and have someone care for your dog and tell your bosses to take a hike - then you might have to work harder than others -and others might have to work harder than you -it's not a competition but it's also not time for a pity party. It's just time to roll up your sleeves and do the work.

 

Great advice.

[Alex39]

I guess I am just feeling defeated. I am online. I am not impressed with any of the guys. The ones I do swipe on, aren't really talking to me. I am trying to forge conversation and ask them questions and they seem luke warm and they don't want to put any effort in.

 

Also, as of right now, I have not said I want to get married. I do want someone that wants to date though, not just hookup or have a fling. I have girlfriends whom are crazy and want to get married after one year of dating a guy. That is crazy to me. I am not that crazed or doe eyed with a guy. I would like to meet someone and have a serious relationship, and down the road, years, if it fits, we can potentially get engaged and married. But just meeting someone at this point seems to be impossible. I feel like I have maxed out the guys in my area. I keep going through the same over and over.

 

I don't mean to chase these guys who are just stringing me along. I do. I like them. They interest me. I am attracted to them. I wish they would chase me. I have been trying harder than ever to pull back and not chase. I think I have been doing a good job. I've been handling the social media, better, and not seeing anything of it, while trying to make more plans for myself with my friends and focus on my life.

[Batya33]

"I guess I am just feeling defeated."

 

Feel what you feel. Choose your reaction. (just to repeat myself again)

 

"I don't mean to chase these guys who are just stringing me along. I do. I like them. They interest me. I am attracted to them. I wish they would chase me. I have been trying harder than ever to pull back and not chase. I think I have been doing a good job. I've been handling the social media, better, and not seeing anything of it, while trying to make more plans for myself with my friends and focus on my life."

 

"I don't mean to" - irrelevant. You do mean to as long as you do the actions. Whether you "like" them or not is irrelevant - other than it might make it more difficult to make the right choice in your best interest. You're a career person so you know about "difficult" and you know about "challenging" and you make chooses where you not only keep your job but are successful, right?

 

"I wish" - wishing is lovely. Spend a part of your day wishing and hoping -a discrete part - and then spend the rest making reality-based good choices. Do you do your job by "wishing" it would get done just by snapping your fingers?

 

I am glad you're taking actual steps to make progress -the end of your post -that was the only part of your post where you didn't focus on fantasy, make excuses based on your feelings, or excuses of "well I didn't mean to". That is great news that you're taking concrete steps. Keep up the great work.

 

As far as getting married within a year -it depends on the two people involved -you can think it's crazy and you don't have to do that but I also know of many, many relationships where the couple were engaged for years and lived together, got married then divorced shortly after. It's an individual thing.

 

If you've maxed out the guys in your area work on moving to an area with more singles. That is what I did at your age. That is one of the main reasons I am married today and one of the main reasons I met quality people of good character and all the other good qualities during my mid 20s and beyond. Because I lived in that area even though I worked so much I didn't have to travel to meet most people and they didn't have to travel to me, I could go to singles events on a moment's notice-often walk there - and there was never that obstacle of "oh you live too far away". Ironically my husband and I ended up being long distance for a few years but the first time around that we dated we lived 10 blocks apart. And he moved 10 miles to be in the city after we started dating (he'd been planning the move anyway).

 

I'm glad in the last part of your post you stopped making excuses and blaming externalities and focused on what you could do to improve your situation.

[Batya33]

I wanted to add in case it motivates you -a friend of mine who is in her late 30s, maybe 40, divorced for a few years, one child, met a guy on match less than a year ago - he's been awesome to her and her daughter - and they got engaged today. They are over the moon. She is a professor and went to all the best schools. She is pretty but not a model and he is attractive and not a model. Who knows if it will work -when she started dating again she went on many many bad or boring dates through on line sites. She had met her ex husband through work so I don't think she'd ever been on dating sites. But she persevered, became wildly successful at her university and ran marathons -and fell in love. It can be done.

[Alex39]

I see what you are saying. I can't really just up and move to a different area. My work and schooling is all here, so that is really not an option for me.

 

I keep letting these charmers use me and I don't want to. I like them and it clouds my judgement. The other night I let work guy get my hopes up. He mentioned maybe calling me on the phone to talk. I got excited, and easily let down when he didn't call me. I think I handled it well though. To him, I wasn't overly eager. I kind of acted as if I could care less, and ended the texting exchange. But inside I was super excited. He doesn't generally call me on the phone, so I thought maybe he was really interested in talking. Of course, when no call came, I was bummed. He has previously been telling me that he was lonely and depressed being away from home. I was too nice and clingy, and offered him an ear if he needed it and he knew where to find me for that. I told him I knew the feeling since I am not originally from here either. He said thank you with a big smiley emoji.

 

I shouldn't have even offered. I keep going with the "act like you don't care, and nothing bothers you", but in turn it ends up I think coming across to him that he can treat me every which was and get away with it, which is not what I want. I just feel like for me to speak up or give him a piece of my mind, is not appropriate, as we are only work friends, and that would insinuate that we were more, I expected more, and that there is investment, or which there is none. If that makes sense? Then again, I did this with my ex too, and he treated me like an emotional comfort pillow too. He used me, and I never spoke up enough. I did at first, but he manipulated me out of it. With work guy I don't at all, because I don't know. Again, I am not his girlfriend, so who am I to be a nag and expect him to be a certain way.

 

I watch a lot of Matthew Hussey videos. Almost every time I take his advice, it pans out exactly like he says it will. He's great. I notice in a lot of his videos when the guy isn't investing, he says to play it off like you don't care, because they don't care, so the "whatever, no big deal, its all good" attitude I have been portraying has been that one, but then like I mentioned I then feel like they think Oh she is okay with any sort of treatment, and they keep using me.

 

I should be firm. I should have told him to the potential phone call "No, sorry, but its late and I am not your shrink, so maybe a phone call isn't a good idea."

 

But I wanted to talk to him. We had been texting and it had been going well.

 

With the whole online dating thing. Over the last week, I have matched with over 30 men. I liked them, they liked me, I sent them a message, and they never messaged me back. Literally none of them. Its getting ridiculous. I feel ridiculous. I am ready to turn my profile off. I feel like maybe it just isn't my time, but I want to meet someone who treats me right. Not like work guy, or pen pal guy(whole other story. We me ton Facebook through mutual friends and he has been my flirty pen pal for over a year)

 

He snapchats me all the time too. Pen pal guy. Tonight he even sent me a pic and he was near my house. But he doesn't ask me out. I know why. I made it very clear to him, I am looking for a serious boyfriend, not a playboy. He can't offer that, because he travels too much right now. So he keeps me on the hook. He used to ask me out. We made solid plans multiple times, and he bailed every time.

 

I'm just so sick of being alone. I want to meet a nice man, who makes time for me, and wants to do fun things with me. Someone to take home to family, and I can't seem to find it anywhere. I don't meet people in my job. I don't meet quality men out at bars and I don't expect to. Online has been terrible. I don't know what else to do. I feel like a loser. Like maybe its me. My family and friend tell me its not. They insist I am a sweet, educated, and pretty girl with so much to offer. Then why can't I meet someone who fits with me? My life? Someone mature and serious about the future, whom also wants to have fun and enjoy life with me?

 

I do eventually want to get married. Not soon, and not a year after meeting someone. But I want that experience eventually. The excitement. I love planning and picking things out. I am OCD about event planning and will be so excited to share planning a wedding with my mom and aunt. I feel like when I look at it though, I can't find anyone, so me getting married seems so far away. Like more than 5 years away. I am okay with that, if I was actively meeting people, but I am not, so its sad for me.

[Batya33]

"I'm just so sick of being alone. I want to meet a nice man, who makes time for me, and wants to do fun things with me. Someone to take home to family, and I can't seem to find it anywhere. I don't meet people in my job. I don't meet quality men out at bars and I don't expect to. Online has been terrible. I don't know what else to do. I feel like a loser. Like maybe its me. My family and friend tell me its not. They insist I am a sweet, educated, and pretty girl with so much to offer. Then why can't I meet someone who fits with me? My life? Someone mature and serious about the future, whom also wants to have fun and enjoy life with me? "

 

Because of your choices with work guy and your excuses about those choices. It's an example of why and an important one too. Your choices and excuses tell me you're not ready for a person who would be kind, thoughtful and available to you. Being sweet, educated and a "pretty girl" is irrelevant given your self-sabotaging choices and excuses. If you really wanted to meet someone you wouldn't be interacting with your coworker at all and it would never occur to you to give him a piece of your mind. He's done nothing wrong. Neither have you except being dishonest with yourself and getting in your own way.

 

Sweet educated and pretty mean that your dating pool, all else equal, should include kind, educated professionals who are reasonably attractive and/or attractive to you. As far as not being able to move I'd look into lengthening your commute so you can move to a major city or closer to a place teeming with singles -it's worth it if you want long term. It was worth it to me,over and over again. I live in a smaller city now and the women in your age group and older apparently struggle to meet men here. And they are sweet pretty and educated too. One of them was my neighbor -and she eventually met her husband at church. Not my cup of tea at all but hers - and now they have a beautiful home and baby girl and are both educated attractive professionals.

 

I wouldn't focus on videos that have to do with dating or relationships when it comes to the coworker. He doesn't want to date you and he doesn't want a relationship with you so the videos are not relevant. If you find them helpful otherwise, sure, but I think getting out there and doing volunteer work (again, community theater backstage -great way to meet people) is far better than watching videos.

 

Good luck and stop choosing to get in your own way and stop choosing to cloud your judgment. Yes you are choosing it -you are not a victim and getting angry at a coworker because he doesn't want to date you is a waste of your stomach acid.

[Alex39]

So I went out on a date last weekend. Had a pleasant time, but I just wasn't overly attracted to the guy. He was very nice to me, and treated me well, and it was fun, but he reminded me of one of my good guy friends whom I never wanted to date. I feel bad, because he has been texting me after and wants to see me again. He even iffered to take me to a theater show, which was so sweet. I just have been holding him off.

 

It makes me like work guy all that much more. We've been texting so much. Talking about all sorts of things and its interesting. Last night I was up until 1am talking to him. Ladt week I mentioned us doing something Sunday. Ge said he was definitely down. I was excited. He texted me Sunday morning asking if I still wanted to go. I said yes. I thought this to be promising. But he then chats me up all day long and we never go. He doesnt mention it again. I'm crushed. I decide to call him out on it. I tell him that he obviously did not want to go. He said he got busy and forgot. I them joke "wow, nice to know plans with me were so memorable." He then laughs and says stop, joking. I tell him that I went out and did other things, but he could have said something if he did not want to go. He then says I could have mentioned something to.

 

Now I feel like the worlds most terrible pushover because we chatted it up all night and now we are in a competition to see who works out more this week.

 

I'm just so gullible. And I feel like I don't know how to not let him use me. I think I am being strong, but it turns out the opposite.

[Batya33]

You're not gullible and he is not using you in the least. You know exactly who he is because he's shown you multiple times. He is not using you - you are agreeing to text with him for hours on end and having fun doing it. You just don't like when he continuously breaks plans with you or doesn't follow through and you don't like that it means so little to him to make a plan with you that he "forgets". You don't have to like it and you don't have to text with him. But you are choosing to because the benefit of texting him outweighs the risks. I think the benefits are -it's something to do with your time that is social, it lets you continue to fantasize that he is interested in dating you, it gives you an excuse not to meet other people (because you're too busy /distracted texting with him).

Why were you "crushed?" Did you really expect a different outcome after multiple times of him not following through on in person plans with you? And why lecture him or criticize him? Do you think you are going to teach him to treat you differently by lecturing him or criticizing him? He knows you really don't mean it since you continue to come back for more, right? You are not gullible. You know exactly what you are doing, you're an adult making your own choices, and therefore you also choose the consequences.

 

There's no reason to see that other guy again if you're not attracted to him unless you're on the fence. If you're on the fence then give it a few more times to see if a spark develops. If you're not on the fence decline his invitation and let him move on and meet someone who is attracted to him and who wants to date him.

[boltnrun]

How many years are you willing to waste on this dead-end texting situation with this guy?

[katrina1980]

OP it seems fairly obvious to me that this man sees you as nothing more than a friend, if that. A chat buddy.

 

While you interpret his texts as meaning he has an interest in you beyond friendship.

 

So you proceed to escalate and ask him out. And what does he do? He forgets!

 

Come on girl, it's ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous. He's either getting a kick out of playing you, or he's a flake!

 

I echo was bolt said, how many months/years are you going to waste on a man who sees you as nothing more than a fun chat buddy?

 

Not a rhetorical question, I am perfectly serious when I ask this.

[figureitout23]

 

Now I feel like the worlds most terrible pushover because we chatted it up all night and now we are in a competition to see who works out more this week.

 

I'm just so gullible. And I feel like I don't know how to not let him use me. I think I am being strong, but it turns out the opposite.

 

You keep viewing this through a romantic potential lens so you're playing these dating games and getting upset when he flakes or takes a while to text you back but the truth is if you looked at your situation through a 'we're friends who flirt' lens it's really nothing negative going on.

 

I have male friends I text, I hang out with, I flirt with. The last text I got from any of my male friends was Friday evening, I had to look at my phone to know. That's not me boasting or bragging, like 'look at me I can handle male companionship' that's me trying to explain that when you see someone as a friend this stuff doesn't even cross your mind.

 

So you think hes treating you bad when he's really just treating you as a friend. You got so upset over him not mentioning your plans, but he made a darn good point, why didn't you bring it up? I'm guessing it's because you like him and you want him to make effort and court you but he's probably just looking at it as two friends hanging so when you didn't bring it up he probably just shrugged it off. He's not disrespecting you. You never made your desires clear and like you said by acting nonchalant you didn't teach him you don't care, you taught him you're a friend. Which at this point you both are, so either make your intentions clear or accept you two are just friends.

 

And if you make your intention clear and he says he doesn't feel the same, you gotta accept that and either choose to be his friend or break things off for your own wellbeing. You're ignoring potential men because you're hung up on him, it's fine this thing reaches a resolution.

[Batya33]

I disagree that he is treating her like a friend he hangs out with. People who actually want to hang out with other people keep plans barring an emergency and they value building the goodwill that comes with being reliable and following through on plans. He is interested in being her text buddy when he's in the mood and has time to spare -and he probably enjoys knowing that she likes flirting with him and bantering. Good for his ego and nothing wrong with that because she happily plays along and chats with him for hours.

[figureitout23]

I disagree that he is treating her like a friend he hangs out with. People who actually want to hang out with other people keep plans barring an emergency and they value building the goodwill that comes with being reliable and following through on plans. He is interested in being her text buddy when he's in the mood and has time to spare -and he probably enjoys knowing that she likes flirting with him and bantering. Good for his ego and nothing wrong with that because she happily plays along and chats with him for hours.

 

Well if that's the case he is being a jerk. Everyone should be responsible for their actions, if he knows she wants more and keeps her there dangling, shame on him. I wasn't under the impression he did that, then again I haven't read this post in a while.

 

There is most deffinetely something wrong with using people to stroke your ego. It's an individuals responsibility to not allow themselves to be used as an ego stroke but that doesn't take away the fact that it's wrong to do to begin with.

 

It would be like me leaving a 5$ bill on my desk in plain view and someone takes it. I'm wrong for not being more cautious but it doesn't mean the person who took it is any less of a thief.

 

Me saying this doesn't take away from the fact that there should be a resolution. I'm in no way saying you should wallow or feel used OPer, just, if that's what he's doing, he's a jerk and that's even more of a reason to just let it go.

 

I still see it my way though so yeah.

[katrina1980]

I understsnd Batya's POV, but after reading figureitout's post, I'm inclined to think it's more that.

 

OP, he was the one who asked you if you were still up (down?) for hanging out (just as a friend would), you said yes. Then started chatting away and *neither of you* brought it up again.

 

Agree with figureitout in that, because you were viewing this hang out as a "date" you were waiting for HIM to follow through and bring it up AGAIN.

 

But because HE viewed it as two friends hanging out, since "you" never followed through or said anything, HE essentially forgot about it.

 

Now you're mad at him and feel disrespected because he didn't meet "your" expectation that he treat you as a woman he has a romantic interest in.

 

The fact of the matter is he never did have a romantic interest. If he ever did, it was fleeting.

 

I think you were (and have been) projecting your feelings on to him (which is common) and presumed he felt the same as you.

 

This was "your" perception but not realty.

 

The reality is he views you as a friend, someone fun to text with, bounce thoughts off of, but nothing more.

 

Unless YOU propose hanging out, and following through, he's perfectly content and happy texting.

 

He may know you're into him, and is intentionally not initiating hang outs as he doesn't want to lead you on.

 

So limits it to texts.